If you want them back.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

If you're ex is in a new relationship, and it's not a rebound, there's 0% chance of any hope, right?

 

 

 

 

I think you are missing the point of this thread.

 

 

abandon hope and live your own life.

[tikay00]

I think you are missing the point of this thread.

 

 

abandon hope and live your own life.

 

I know. Trust me I know. It's just the sudden shock of realizing that she has a new guy that has me back in this zone.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I know. Trust me I know. It's just the sudden shock of realizing that she has a new guy that has me back in this zone.

 

 

 

 

I've been in that zone too, trust me, was with my ex for 6.5 years and within a month of our breakup she was in a rebound.

 

 

I know the pain, the anxiety, misery, etc.

 

 

Its going to hurt for awhile but trust me when I say, NC is the one and only way to get your sanity & yourself back and maybe even her.

 

 

sticking around will definitely kill any chance, believe that.

Edited December 9, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Danda]

you make good points, however, when you're the one who was dumped, and suffering, no contact IS the one-size-fits-all rule book to get your sanity and yourself back.

 

I agree with you, as far as the initial giving-each-other-time-and-space thing.

 

Like in the example I gave of the dumpee getting dumped because they acted like a total douche, even if they deserved to get dumped, NC for a little while would still be a good idea to let the dumper cool off, and also to let the dumpee do some introspection and make sure their apology is really genuine and heartfelt (if they decide to apologize at some point) and not an act of desperation (which could come back to bite them in the butt later).

 

But once both parties have cleared their minds and stabilized, I do think there are some scenarios where it's appropriate for the dumpee to reach out first, if they want to get back together, because in some scenarios waiting for the dumper to reach out will send some very wrong messages and ruin the dumpee's chances.

 

But I do agree with you that some NC time is healthy for parties, even if they both want to eventually get back together, because they can't know for sure until they've had some time to calm down and process things.

[ralfgarnett]

Huh? I was asking for me.

 

 

ok I can see that now.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I agree with you, as far as the initial giving-each-other-time-and-space thing.

 

Like in the example I gave of the dumpee getting dumped because they acted like a total douche, even if they deserved to get dumped, NC for a little while would still be a good idea to let the dumper cool off, and also to let the dumpee do some introspection and make sure their apology is really genuine and heartfelt (if they decide to apologize at some point) and not an act of desperation (which could come back to bite them in the butt later).

 

But once both parties have cleared their minds and stabilized, I do think there are some scenarios where it's appropriate for the dumpee to reach out first, if they want to get back together, because in some scenarios waiting for the dumper to reach out will send some very wrong messages and ruin the dumpee's chances.

 

But I do agree with you that some NC time is healthy for parties, even if they both want to eventually get back together, because they can't know for sure until they've had some time to calm down and process things.

 

 

 

 

in some scenarios, yea maybe, as in years have passed since the breakup.

 

 

as far as very wrong messages go... how should the message of getting dumped be received?

 

 

unless you were dumped because you cheated on them, it should be received with nothing more than no contact.

 

 

end of story.

Edited December 10, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Zard0z]

Just curious if LGO and others could offer their perspective on my situation.

 

After 14mos, cross-cultural RS, she dumped me citing loving me less. We were in LC for a few weeks, had a 'date', (where she confessed she had been on a 'bad' blind date just hours before). On this date she held my hand and rested her head on my shoulder (she seemed really nervous tho, and teared up a bit). A week later she ends up confessing to me she has feelings for this 'bad blind date guy' and says we should stop seeing eachother. Lots of mutual crying, but a vague offer of reconciliation if things didnt work out.

 

I couldnt take this ambivalence, gave an ultimatum and received a non-comital response. I blew up at her over text (the first time i did anything like that in our relationship), basically told her she was using this guy to get over me, and that she'd regret not having me around for stability. **the preceding all occured within a 1mos. time frame**

 

She blocked me and unfriended me on FB. A week later she accepted my apology. I wrote her a pretty decent letter (not the typical weepy BS you see here, but sincerely apologizing for a few minor things in the relationship, and giving some solid details about things I had been thinking about in terms of my future before the BU. She responds warmly to my letter telling me "Those things you mentioned weren't big problems just minor annoyances. I'm so grateful for all the help you gave me. I'll always remember this year as passionate, happy, and warm. But its time to move on."

 

Went NC for over 1 mos. Then broke it to tell her how I'm moving on and am grateful for the breakup since it gave me a lot of perspective. Told her it would be difficult to be friends but thought it would be good to be "friendly" to each other. That was about 2 weeks ago. No response.

 

I know she's in a relationship now, and I feel like... maybe... that's part of her continuing NC. I've already starting a new relationship now, and it seems to be going well. So I'm reaching the point of ambivalence.

 

I sent one last apology to her friend for involving her somewhat right after the breakup, but I don't plan on sending anything else.

 

I dunno, all that stuff about her being open to recon was so long ago, that I think its past its expiry date. I know I had her number in the sack tho always told me and expressed general amzement at my unusual talents, and since her new man is in his 40s, I kinda use that to give me a little ego boost, plus wondering if it will make her curious about coming back

 

Anyway, like I said, I'm getting more ambivalent everyday. So either way I'm fine.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Zard0z

[Simon Phoenix]

Just curious if LGO and others could offer their perspective on my situation.

 

After 14mos, cross-cultural RS, she dumped me citing loving me less. We were in LC for a few weeks, had a 'date', (where she confessed she had been on a 'bad' blind date just hours before). On this date she held my hand and rested her head on my shoulder (she seemed really nervous tho, and teared up a bit). A week later she ends up confessing to me she has feelings for this 'bad blind date guy' and says we should stop seeing eachother. Lots of mutual crying, but a vague offer of reconciliation if things didnt work out.

 

I couldnt take this ambivalence, gave an ultimatum and received a non-comital response. I blew up at her over text (the first time i did anything like that in our relationship), basically told her she was using this guy to get over me, and that she'd regret not having me around for stability. **the preceding all occured within a 1mos. time frame**

 

She blocked me and unfriended me on FB. A week later she accepted my apology. I wrote her a pretty decent letter (not the typical weepy BS you see here, but sincerely apologizing for a few minor things in the relationship, and giving some solid details about things I had been thinking about in terms of my future before the BU. She responds warmly to my letter telling me "Those things you mentioned weren't big problems just minor annoyances. I'm so grateful for all the help you gave me. I'll always remember this year as passionate, happy, and warm. But its time to move on."

 

Went NC for over 1 mos. Then broke it to tell her how I'm moving on and am grateful for the breakup since it gave me a lot of perspective. Told her it would be difficult to be friends but thought it would be good to be "friendly" to each other. That was about 2 weeks ago. No response.

 

I know she's in a relationship now, and I feel like... maybe... that's part of her continuing NC. I've already starting a new relationship now, and it seems to be going well. So I'm reaching the point of ambivalence.

 

I sent one last apology to her friend for involving her somewhat right after the breakup, but I don't plan on sending anything else.

 

I dunno, all that stuff about her being open to recon was so long ago, that I think its past its expiry date. I know I had her number in the sack tho always told me and expressed general amzement at my unusual talents, and since her new man is in his 40s, I kinda use that to give me a little ego boost, plus wondering if it will make her curious about coming back

 

Anyway, like I said, I'm getting more ambivalent everyday. So either way I'm fine.

 

You need to stop reaching out. You keep trying to find new angles to try to crack her, and that's just not very intelligent.

[Zard0z]

You need to stop reaching out. You keep trying to find new angles to try to crack her, and that's just not very intelligent.

 

Yer kinda assuming a lot about my motives here.

 

I dont even want her back. At least not right now, I'm not in a space in my life right now to have an intense and close relationship as I had with her. I believe there's been enough space in between that its safe. I don't wanna pressure her, and I didn't ask for or expect a response, but at the same time I wanted her to know that I really did think that the breakup happened when it needed to. Its motivated me in ways that never would have happened, and given me more free time to work on myself. This absolutely would not have happened if it weren't for the breakup.

 

But, like I said. I wanted to let her know it was no hard feelings and that I'd welcome her warmly if she ever wanted to catch up.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Zard0z

[LifeGoesOnMan]

But, like I said. I wanted to let her know it was no hard feelings and that I'd welcome her warmly if she ever wanted to catch up.

 

 

so yea, problem with this is that you are proclaiming yourself as a safety net.

 

that wont win her back, in fact, it makes you look pathetic as if you are waiting on her, as if she can come back whenever she wants...

 

its not attractive, and it will help permanently kill any chance of ever reconciling...

 

they have to think they have lost you, whether or not its true, they have to atleast think they have..

 

being a safety net sends the complete opposite message pal.

 

 

if you want to crack some real emotion out of her, go bang some other girls and let the world know about it.

Edited December 12, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Simon Phoenix]

Yer kinda assuming a lot about my motives here.

 

I dont even want her back. At least not right now, I'm not in a space in my life right now to have an intense and close relationship as I had with her. I believe there's been enough space in between that its safe. I don't wanna pressure her, and I didn't ask for or expect a response, but at the same time I wanted her to know that I really did think that the breakup happened when it needed to. Its motivated me in ways that never would have happened, and given me more free time to work on myself. This absolutely would not have happened if it weren't for the breakup.

 

But, like I said. I wanted to let her know it was no hard feelings and that I'd welcome her warmly if she ever wanted to catch up.

 

I think my assumptions are pretty correct. But even if they aren't, you need to back off. You keep trying all these different methods to "trick" her into interacting with you. She knows what you're doing, you aren't fooling her, so just stop. Stop meddling, let her be and let yourself get your head straight. Stop scheming and plotting.

[Zard0z]

so yea, problem with this is that you are proclaiming yourself as a safety net.

 

that wont win her back, in fact, it makes you look pathetic as if you are waiting on her, as if she can come back whenever she wants...

 

its not attractive, and it will help permanently kill any chance of ever reconciling...

 

they have to think they have lost you, whether or not its true, they have to atleast think they have..

 

being a safety net sends the complete opposite message pal.

 

 

if you want to crack some real emotion out of her, go bang some other girls and let the world know about it.

 

The way I out it in the email was like this: "it was a good relationship, its over; we both want to move on; theres no anger or bitterness on my part, but we cant be friends; we knee eachother pretty well tho, so it cluld be useful to reach out if you need it"

 

And in her case, she made it almost explicit when we first started dating that she needed me for stability and comfort. The dynamic changed after she landed her job though, found a new source of stability, consistency, and validation.

 

Im seeing someone and we've alrrady hooked up a number of times.

 

So yeah she and I will be different people if we ever do happen to meet again. I'll be more certain about the direction my life is taking me, what I want out of it, and with the wisdom that comes from analyzing what failed in a past relationship and what builds attraction in my current relationship.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Zard0z

[Simon Phoenix]

If you're seeing someone else, then why the heck do you keep trying to reach out to your ex? That's not cool at all.

[Zard0z]

If you're seeing someone else, then why the heck do you keep trying to reach out to your ex? That's not cool at all.

 

I think posting on here was a bad idea. Originally I was just curious for an opinion. Id actually rather just move on right now.

 

I havent reached out to her since the relationship got serious.

[darser]

Well...here's my story, met this superb girl since young age and had been in a relationship for over 5 years, sure there where problems but in any relationship they where atleast tried to be handled, around 3 weeks ago, i decided it was time to get on a tlak since she was being a little 2 distance and I wanted to see what was going on, long story short, she broke up with me telling me that she didn't love me anymore, talked with her for a few times after that and i begged her to come back with me (1st serious girlfriend never had dealt with a break up) and she said that even tho she wants to, she just know it won't work and she want to be friends, i told her i respected her decision, but i wasn't gonna stop trying, she said that she didn't knew when she stoped loving me and she tried to love me again but didn't know why she couldn't ( though it was another guy on the way or just my insecurities that killed the relationship) right now i started the no contact this monday and it's killing me, i'm trying to work on myself but every once in a while I think about her and it makes me crazy not knowing if she ever gonna want anything with me anymore since she hasn't started a conversation in a long while....any help guys :c ?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think posting on here was a bad idea. Originally I was just curious for an opinion. Id actually rather just move on right now.

 

I havent reached out to her since the relationship got serious.

 

I mean, we're not going to tell you want you want to hear. This website wouldn't be very useful if we're just going to blow sunshine up each other's butts. That being said, if you are dating someone else, stick with that person and stop plotting contact with your ex and reaching out to your ex. If you would rather do that (though I'm really not sure why you'd want to), then stop dating other people.

 

I don't think you are a bad guy. I just think you need to completely detach from your ex and stop scheming. If you do that, you'll get where you need to go.

[idoltree]

I think posting on here was a bad idea. Originally I was just curious for an opinion. Id actually rather just move on right now.

 

I havent reached out to her since the relationship got serious.

 

Usually the people who are bullheaded are the ones who don't hear what they want to hear, and then instead of listening to those with experience, want to leave.

 

Part of life is learning and growing. You've made some pretty classic dumpee moves, yet you insist that you're over her. Words vs actions, my friend. You kept reaching out to her, and frankly I feel awkward for you that you sent "it's over, I'm moving on" messages to her. For her, it was over when she broke up with you, which is probably why it was not received well. She can tell you're living in a fantasyland where you still want to think you're half of determining your futures. It's similar to you coming here and asking for opinions and then rejecting those opinions because it's not what you want to hear. Perhaps your ex tired of you not hearing her. Just a thought.

 

Now you've reached out to her friend out of the blue, but it was completely unnecessary. This is just another transparent attempt by you to stay relevant and feel connected. It wasn't about her friend, and both her and her friend will be able to see that. Best that you admit that to yourself, too, so you don't come up with new and creative ways of reaching out.

 

You're with someone new. You say you're happy, so why aren't you acting like it? If you were, you wouldn't have those desires to stay relevant in your ex's life. I think you're rebounding, getting involved before you're ready, and I feel bad for the girl you're dating.

 

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear. You posted your situation asking for perspective, and you're rejecting that perspective that you requested. People took time to tell you what they thought, and you're rejecting it, instead of appreciating the time they took to read and consider your situation. Your reaction really says a lot about you, and I'd urge you to consider making some changes in your life, and rethinking whether your stubbornness is really serving you as well as you want to believe it is.

 

Sometimes life knocks us on our *ss with what we need to hear, and I'd urge you to open up your ears. If you're ready to leave because people have consistently been telling you the opposite of what you want to hear about the choices you've made, it's still you being stubborn and refusing to grow. That attitude is a great way to keep hurting yourself and other people, then wondering why you can't seem to find happiness.

 

Accept that you are human and you make mistakes, despite having good intentions. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person and that you won't find happiness, just that you're doing yourself (and others) a disservice by refusing to examine yourself and your motivations. No one here is judging you; believe it or not, we're all here because we want to help, and sometimes that necessitates tough love, like you are getting.

[Zard0z]

I agree with pretty much everything that was said here. Excluding some of the assumptions. I know I shouldnt do this stuff.

 

But I do honestly feel like my feelings for my ex are fading, so thats why I thought it would be safe to send those emails. I dunno, I'm kind of a weird guy, fair to say a bit stubborn as well.

 

Anyway, back to NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with pretty much everything that was said here. Excluding some of the assumptions. I know I shouldnt do this stuff.

 

But I do honestly feel like my feelings for my ex are fading, so thats why I thought it would be safe to send those emails. I dunno, I'm kind of a weird guy, fair to say a bit stubborn as well.

 

Anyway, back to NC.

 

You know its safe when you have no desire to send emails. Lesson learned for next time.

[amorydiver]

11 days no contact. she woke me up at 3 am with a call, then a barrage of txts. the next nite, she woke me up calling again at 1:30 and 3, again with a bunch of goofy txts. (i'd block her but I have an older model flip phone and that causes problms) its day 14 nc, for me, i'm struggling.

[Zard0z]

You know its safe when you have no desire to send emails. Lesson learned for next time.

 

Something I read today supposedly posted by someone with 50 years experience in RS gave me some insight today, particularly with regard to mixed messages and offers of reconciliation. That the dumper often is duped into meekly offering recon as a way to ease the dumpee's pain.

 

I don't have any experience with breaking up and honestly don't know many people who do or who are were open to me about their relationships. So I just thought my case was special since there was never any hostility / intimacy problems. Through that lens, its easier to see why I confused any contact, any "I miss you too's", any sign of warmth as an indication that this breakup was only temporary.

 

She wasn't stringing me a long. She wasn't putting me on the back-burner. I pushed until she made it abundantly clear that I was no longer #1 or even tied for first place. Who knows whether or not I had eased back things might have been different. But it doesn't matter now.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Zard0z

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I think posting on here was a bad idea. Originally I was just curious for an opinion. Id actually rather just move on right now.

 

I havent reached out to her since the relationship got serious.

 

 

bro, no one likes to hear what they don't want to hear.

 

 

if you read my first thread, (I believe in second chances), all I did was fight with everyone and deny and not listen and all it got me was misery and all that happened was what everyone said was going to happen, which was get jerked around and not get her back.

 

 

the truth hurts and it will piss you off but then it sets you free.

 

 

we are only trying to help.

[Zard0z]

bro, no one likes to hear what they don't want to hear.

 

 

if you read my first thread, (I believe in second chances), all I did was fight with everyone and deny and not listen and all it got me was misery and all that happened was what everyone said was going to happen, which was get jerked around and not get her back.

 

 

the truth hurts and it will piss you off but then it sets you free.

 

 

we are only trying to help.

 

read my other posts. i agree with pretty much everything said. my reason for saying "it was a mistake" was because it set me back a bit by posting here in the "getting her back" forum.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

read my other posts. i agree with pretty much everything said. my reason for saying "it was a mistake" was because it set me back a bit by posting here in the "getting her back" forum.

 

 

 

 

yea I hear ya, I feel the same way sometimes, kinda keeps you stuck in the loop, however there is good advice here whether or not people want to adhere to it.

[Zard0z]

yea I hear ya, I feel the same way sometimes, kinda keeps you stuck in the loop, however there is good advice here whether or not people want to adhere to it.

 

Yeah I'm in a weird spot where I'm comfortable where I'm at, addressed some things I needed to work on and feel like it could work out if she wanted to reconnect.

 

But at the same time me wanting her to come back is the last obstacle to truly getting back on solid ground. Feelin positive about where I'll be at next month tho.