If you want them back.

[LivingLife93]

I met this girl over the summer and we hit things off pretty well. We were spending a lot of time together, going on dates, talking constantly, and everything was going well. We had so much in common: sense of humor, politics. hobbies, etc...We talked about a future together, a house, kids, the whole nine yards. She invited me to meet her parents and I invited her to meet mine. We were so right for each other. Her parents had remarked to me how different and happy she seemed now. We both told each other our biggest dreams and fears. Her biggest fear was that I would leave her. Things were looking to be on the path to a serious long-term relationship until she got cold feet. She was concerned that the relationship was progressing too fast and didn't want to rush into it. I respected this wish and backed off, giving her the space she wanted, but since then things have been different.

 

We have since all but lost contact. We no longer spend time together, and our text conversations (sometimes initiated by me, sometimes by her) are very infrequent and brief. I never really got any sort of communication or explanation of what exactly went wrong to cause the downfall in our relationship. It essentially had gone from everything to nothing without any cause. Seeing as how we never get the chance to talk in person, I've tried talking about it via text or email, but she has played off or ignored every opportunity. I have heard from mutual friends though, that she asks about me.

 

I would've given up hope on getting her back had it not been for the mixed signals I was getting from her. She and I attend the same gym and I see her there sometimes. When we did get to see each other in person, I never tried to bring up our relationship or jump back into things or assume we were going to get back together. I tried to continue to give her space and let her sort out her feelings. Therefore, some days at the gym she would approach me and start a casual conversation, other days she would ignore my presence and pretend like I didn't exist. We went out for drinks with friends one night, and she asked me to give her a ride. She invited me over to her place beforehand to ask my opinion on how she was dressed (something I felt you wouldn't normally do with just a friend). That night things seemed to be back to normal relationship behavior, but then she would ignore any form of contact I tried with her (infrequent texts or emails). I was very confused as to what to do about the position I was in. Part of me thought she was trying to start things back up, but another part of me thought she was pushing me away. Some days it was more one side of her, other days it was the opposite.

 

I've read comments about the one who does the breaking up exaggerating small instances to convince themselves they were right in their decision. And I feel she may have done that as well. A few weeks ago we both attended a Christmas party with our friends. It was another night where, despite being ignored and denied contact previously, when we were together everything seemed normal and back on track. Later that night she informed me that she thought I should "go after" one of the girls we had met at the party. This struck me as very odd, and I informed her that that was unnecessary because I was still only interested in her. I attempted to explain that I just wanted to know where I stood with her in her life, be it as just a friend or more than that. But again, I was ignored and am still in limbo.

 

After a week of not communicating with her, both of us were invited to another party by a mutual friend. She contacted me beforehand to inform me she would be bringing a date. I replied with professionalism (and a bit of jealousy) at her honesty. However, her date cancelled on her, and therefore she spent most of the night hanging around and talking to me. Despite having multiple friends present, she ended up asking me for a ride home, so I obliged. I never attempted any conversation that indicated I was concerned for our relationship or put pressure on her to figure out her feelings. Since the "break-up" I have done my best to simply be a good friend for her while she figures things out. However, she has not talked to me about what she is thinking/feeling and has ignored the one or two attempts I've made about talking to her about it. To further the mixed signals, a mutual friend has told me that she informed them that she was done with me and had cut contact (not true, albeit infrequent contact is still present). However, later they caught her looking at pictures of me and asking about me.

 

After reading all of these posts it seems the best option is to cut contact to make her miss me or figure out what it's truly like without me. Because until now, that hasn't happened. However, I feel my situation is different. This girl is one of the best I've ever met, but she also has abandonment issues. She has told me that her biggest fear is committing to someone (be it a friend or a boyfriend) and them turning around and leaving. She has been betrayed, used, and manipulated in the past. She has complained that she has no friends she can always count on and that there is no one that is always there for her. To me, by cutting contact with her and "moving on" or "giving up", I simply portray myself as just another person who won't be there for her or that she can't rely on. I want to stand out as someone who is different and unique in her life, someone reliable who will be there for her. But at the same time, small gestures of friendship from me have not done anything to progress the relationship forward.

 

Is there a special way to cut contact with someone who doesn't want to feel abandoned and alone? How do you make someone miss you and want you back when you know that person strongly desires reliability in a relationship? She told me that her only two serious relationships ended with the other person leaving her after she fully committed. I don't understand how she went from "I want to get married and have two kids" to literally " leave me alone" a few days later. Is she testing my resolve? I don't want to give up because the few short weeks/ months where things were good were exactly what I always dreamed that things with the right person would be like.

 

If it makes a difference, I am 22, will graduate university in May. (Have an internship which may turn into a job. If not, I will attend grad school.) She is 21 and graduates next December with plans to begin Law School the following year. Our relationship histories are also quite different. My previous relationship to her began in high school and lasted four years. She has dated a lot, but only has only had two real "relationships" of any length (the longest just short of a year) both of which ended badly.

[erklat]

I'm a bit older and I would evade women 20-24 at all costs as they are

fickle regarding long term commitment.

 

The post is very long but I will write my observations.

 

*first you went too fast - evade marriage and kids topic with young women

at all costs - I lived through the same as documented here on loveshack and

trust me - better be silent than contemplate with them even if it is

going to be serious relationship.

 

*I was going to say she was stringing you along halfway through thettext but then

you wrote she was bringing herself a date.

 

*do you want to always be pleasing this woman? She is convincing herself

she is afraid of commitment but that rules only apply to you. It doesn't

stop her from dating around.

 

Go ninja on her. You are not getting from this woman what you should

be getting. Therefore you need to enforce your personal boundaries as she

has no respect for you. I would just disappear but if you feel like explaining

tell her you are not anyones emotional bandaid but yourselves.

 

Strong personal boundaries and the lasting impression with her leaving

will not bring your world crumbling down was the most important lesson I learned

on my voyage.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

After reading all of these posts it seems the best option is to cut contact to make her miss me or figure out what it's truly like without me. Because until now, that hasn't happened. However, I feel my situation is different.

 

 

I understand why you feel the way you do, however, your situation isn't any different than any other of the countless stories of heartbreak on here.

 

 

in fact, your situation mirrors many, many others before you.

 

 

the best option IS to cut all contact and make her miss you (for an indefinite amount of time, that is, until if/when she comes back).

 

 

that is your one and only option.

[KS_Law]

I've been reading through this thread over the last few days and have a situation somewhat similar to Living Life's. Is there any chance that this could be a "test", I mean I know that sounds like grasping at straws, but when the other person has said in the past that they have intimacy issues because people always abandon them, could that be a red flag that something else is going on? If they are so scared of abandonment why would they break up with you after you've made it clear that you're invested in the relationship? I don't understand that.

 

Then if you go NC, and it turns out they were testing you, then you failed. Why would a person beg you to never leave them, then turn around and walk away?

[Kayann]

I'm in a position where all I have is time to dwell on him and on what used to be "us". I am heart broken and very depressed. He contacts me, I contact him... he sort of makes it clear he doesn't want us back together. I really need to follow the no contact rule for my own sanity. Our talks or text do little else but hurt more and more. It honestly feels like I'm addicted to him.

[erklat]

You know everythin . The sooner you start following this advice, the sooner

You will start feeling bette .

[msms21]

I posted her something like 2 and a half months ago, was still broken from the break up (4 years she dumped me and started dating an other guy)

Any way your advice was to try Full nc, which i did.

I blocked her everywhere she can be, i blocked her mom, sister, friend, hide our photos.

Im on nc for something like 70 days now and yes im feeling better no doubt. But i have few questions which i would like to hear the true and your honest opinion.

 

Honestly i still misses her, i really dont know if she still in a realtion cus i dont check it out. But since ive blocked her she stopped calling me from block number to hear my voice, i didnt heared nothing from her.

 

Is it really over for ever? Shes not going to try contact me any more? She dumped me 6 months ago, last time she tryed to contact me was 2 and a half months ago she aend me a text asking my forgiveness for her behaviour during the break, but she still had a boyfriend and i knew it so i told her just "i dont want to talk to you."

 

Is it over ? I truely waiting for her to contact me almost every day...

I

[erklat]

Who knows what the future holds, but you are doing everything you should.

 

Good thing you declined her forgiveness, I would do the same.

 

You will hope for her contact for quite some time. Eventually you will grow

out of it.

[msms21]

Who knows what the future holds, but you are doing everything you should.

 

Good thing you declined her forgiveness, I would do the same.

 

You will hope for her contact for quite some time. Eventually you will grow

out of it.

 

I hope so, deep inside i know i should try another relationship before of even thinking get back to her because she was my first serious relationship,I had 3 more but not more than an half year and i was too young.

So im trying to live my life thanks for your adivces, i work, still go to gym almost everyday, go out with friends, it really burn sometimes that i think i may not even talk to her any more, but i can't do anything about it, last time she asked my forgiveness felt an act to me, a lie to make herself feels good with herself, and either way she still was with this twisted idiot she left me for him, couldent forgive her.

I feel like that if she really want my forgiveness she needs to beg, cry, show me that she is really sorry and loves me, Because now, i dont belive her.

And than i dont really knows what will be either, i may reject her cus im really hurt.

Days will say i guess. Any way thanks for your comment it really helps me to talk about it

[ralfgarnett]

Today would of been my mums birthday, I have received an nice enough e-mail from my WS as follows below, but should I reply ?, I haven't instigated contact with her for weeks now and don't really feel the need to do so but I am polite and like to think that I do things correctly, but if I reply then that puts the ball back in her court with regards LC or NC, or is this just becoming a silly game of emotional tennis with both of us trying to be the winner and gain the upper hand ?, anyway here is her email.

 

"Hi @@@@

 

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today and of course your mum, as it would have been her @@th birthday.

.

Take care @@@@@ "

[erklat]

There is no LC except when you have to pickup children from her.

 

LC invented people for being spineless and slipping up. What you

should be doing is NC which means no fake plesentries from both

sides.

[ralfgarnett]

There is no LC except when you have to pickup children from her.

 

LC invented people for being spineless and slipping up. What you

should be doing is NC which means no fake plesentries from both

sides.

 

So you think my wife's email is a fake pleasentry ?, if you do I wont be offended just say, she and my mum loved each other very much and my mum couldn't of had a better more caring D-I-L, my mum died 9 years ago and my wife really did care about her and was fabulous in supporting me after her death I wouldn't of got through it as well as I did without her love and support at that time, so personally speaking I think her email is genuine and well meant but maybe I would think that as maybe deep down even peanuts is better than nothing right now as I am extremely low and lonely and the weather here in the UK is so grey and dull and downright miserable right now.

Edited January 6, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[LifeGoesOnMan]

So you think my wife's email is a fake pleasentry ?, if you do I wont be offended just say, she and my mum loved each other very much and my mum couldn't of had a better more caring D-I-L, my mum died 9 years ago and my wife really did care about her and was fabulous in supporting me after her death I wouldn't of got through it as well as I did without her love and support at that time, so personally speaking I think her email is genuine and well meant but maybe I would think that as maybe deep down even peanuts is better than nothing right now as I am extremely low and lonely and the weather here in the UK is so grey and dull and downright miserable right now.

 

 

a simple "thank you" would be fine but it will open up the wound of hope & waiting for a reply and hoping something will come of it, etc.

 

 

her email probably is genuine and well meant, but nothing more than that.

 

that's where it gets dicey and complicated, the over-analyzing and reading into this simple little email of well wishes.

 

replying would be walking a fine line of insanity.

[erklat]

So you think my wife's email is a fake pleasentry ?, if you do I wont be offended just say, she and my mum loved each other very much and my mum couldn't of had a better more caring D-I-L, my mum died 9 years ago and my wife really did care about her and was fabulous in supporting me after her death I wouldn't of got through it as well as I did without her love and support at that time, so personally speaking I think her email is genuine and well meant but maybe I would think that as maybe deep down even peanuts is better than nothing right now as I am extremely low and lonely and the weather here in the UK is so grey and dull and downright miserable right now.

 

I won't read if her agenda is genuine or not. It's not about her, it's about you. Picking

that scab will 99% lead to overanalyzing.

 

Maybe I'm harsh but IMO whatever is in place where there should be only silence

is fake. Always ask yourself what do you want and what will any interaction with her

bring to your personal well being. Do not engage where there is nothing to be gained

for you - and answering to her unsubstantial attempts is just that.

[hearbroken]

Hey lifegoeson man, curious your take

looking for some advice. So I broke with my ex in march, but we still were together until nov. Then she told me she was dating someone else, but still wanted to be friends. I was like idk if that can work, but she wanted to stay friends. so over the past two months we talked almost everyday, multiple times. she invited me over two weeks ago, and we were kissing, touch etc but no sex bc she said she would fell bad. a week ago she told me she loves me, and on nye she told me she misses me while with the other guy. The other day i asked her out, and she said she is not interested in running back to something that broke her so many times again.She once told me she needs boring stable and he is boring/stable. So, is this guy a rebound or is it done?

[ralfgarnett]

I am split 50/50 (which can be painfull especially in cold weather) between a simple thanks or just staying quiet, the thanks would be genuine and well meant with no ulterior agenda on my part, after all this concerns my dead mother so im not looking to score points off that, and I am thinking that to ignore on such an occasion would look rude and churlish, I will sit on it for a while and not do anything until later if at all.

[Juha]

Hey lifegoeson man, curious your take

looking for some advice. So I broke with my ex in march, but we still were together until nov. Then she told me she was dating someone else, but still wanted to be friends. I was like idk if that can work, but she wanted to stay friends. so over the past two months we talked almost everyday, multiple times. she invited me over two weeks ago, and we were kissing, touch etc but no sex bc she said she would fell bad. a week ago she told me she loves me, and on nye she told me she misses me while with the other guy. The other day i asked her out, and she said she is not interested in running back to something that broke her so many times again.She once told me she needs boring stable and he is boring/stable. So, is this guy a rebound or is it done?

 

 

Dude, get a backbone here. She broke up with you, changed your relationship. you do not want her as a friend, she wants you as a friend so she feels better about herself. She is using you to get over you while the other guys gets all the benefits, fun, and sex.

 

you are her emotional support, stop it!! She has a new bf let him handle that crap not you.

 

you need to state your case to her. Tell her that being friends is not what you want, tell her how you feel about her, whatever you feel the need to say and then tell her if she ever changes her mind to get in touch with you but otherwise you would appreciate it that she not contact you anymore if all she wants is friends.

 

Then you disappear and never, ever contact her again unless she contacts you. If and when she contacts you make a date with her.

[hearbroken]

i always said that we cant be friend and have been doing nc for 5 days......not going to lie hope she does contact me but guess i have to accept its over

[hearbroken]

Dude, get a backbone here. She broke up with you, changed your relationship. you do not want her as a friend, she wants you as a friend so she feels better about herself. She is using you to get over you while the other guys gets all the benefits, fun, and sex.

 

you are her emotional support, stop it!! She has a new bf let him handle that crap not you.

 

you need to state your case to her. Tell her that being friends is not what you want, tell her how you feel about her, whatever you feel the need to say and then tell her if she ever changes her mind to get in touch with you but otherwise you would appreciate it that she not contact you anymore if all she wants is friends.

 

Then you disappear and never, ever contact her again unless she contacts you. If and when she contacts you make a date with her.

 

thanks for the help...think she will reach out?

[Aint_Easy]

Just read through 37 pages in 2 days. This thread has helped me immensely. I literally did not have any real understanding of how to handle all this until this thread. Only thing I knew was "no contact with the goal of getting her back". Now I truly understand.

 

Here is where I am struggling: blame.

 

We were best friends for 7 years, lovers for 5 years. We intended to get married. She was obsessed with me. She told me the day she met me her heart fluttered. I literally had this absolute confidence we would be together until one of us died. It was amazing. However she finally moved out of her crazy hispanic christian parent's house, and everything changed. It was good for about 2 months, but she started acting differently. Because of this we argued alot and I partied alot for about 3 weeks, my last quarter of school suffered because of it (happened right at finals). I just didn't know how to handle everything in my life (lawsuit, car accident, ****ty job, etc) as well as this giant change in hers. I knew we were struggling, but one day she breaks up with me. Says she started feeling this way about 2 weeks ago. We argue too much, she's not happy, she wants to be single for once, maybe one day we can be together but not now. Tells me my life is kind of stagnant while her's is just racing. Tells me she will always love me but she is just stressed and unhappy and for once wants to be selfish and think about her life. We have a mutual girl friend (but she's closer to me). Friend told me my ex talked to her the day before we broke up. Friend told me she told her "you guys need to talk through this and work on your problems. you might seriously regret deciding to break up this quickly" when I told said friend we broke up she was extremely disappointed and shocked. the girl we and our other mutual friends knew wouldn't make such a rash decision.

 

I immediately placed all the blame on myself. "I pushed her away. I didn't try hard enough. I took her for granted. BLAH BLAH BLAH" It has been 8 weeks, and while I'm finally seeing how amazing I was to her, and everything I did for her, and that this was her decision to leave our absolutely amazing relationship, I still can't shake the blame. I can't stop blaming myself for the things I did and said in those last two-three weeks.

 

How do I stop this? I finally unfollowed her facebook, I stopped watching her snapchat stories, I finally unfollowed her on instagram, and I've finally decided to stop posting how "good" my life is. I've finally made the conscious decision to cut her out of my life and focus completely on myself FOR myself. But dammit how do I get rid of this feeling of blame...

Edited January 7, 2015 by Aint_Easy

[ralfgarnett]

Just read through 37 pages in 2 days. This thread has helped me immensely. I literally did not have any real understanding of how to handle all this until this thread. Only thing I knew was "no contact with the goal of getting her back". Now I truly understand.

 

Here is where I am struggling: blame.

 

We were best friends for 7 years, lovers for 5 years. We intended to get married. She was obsessed with me. She told me the day she met me her heart fluttered. I literally had this absolute confidence we would be together until one of us died. It was amazing. However she finally moved out of her crazy hispanic christian parent's house, and everything changed. It was good for about 2 months, but she started acting differently. Because of this we argued alot and I partied alot for about 3 weeks, my last quarter of school suffered because of it (happened right at finals). I just didn't know how to handle everything in my life (lawsuit, car accident, ****ty job, etc) as well as this giant change in hers. I knew we were struggling, but one day she breaks up with me. Says she started feeling this way about 2 weeks ago. We argue too much, she's not happy, she wants to be single for once, maybe one day we can be together but not now. Tells me my life is kind of stagnant while her's is just racing. Tells me she will always love me but she is just stressed and unhappy and for once wants to be selfish and think about her life. We have a mutual girl friend (but she's closer to me). Friend told me my ex talked to her the day before we broke up. Friend told me she told her "you guys need to talk through this and work on your problems. you might seriously regret deciding to break up this quickly" when I told said friend we broke up she was extremely disappointed and shocked. the girl we and our other mutual friends knew wouldn't make such a rash decision.

 

I immediately placed all the blame on myself. "I pushed her away. I didn't try hard enough. I took her for granted. BLAH BLAH BLAH" It has been 8 weeks, and while I'm finally seeing how amazing I was to her, and everything I did for her, and that this was her decision to leave our absolutely amazing relationship, I still can't shake the blame. I can't stop blaming myself for the things I did and said in those last two-three weeks.

 

How do I stop this? I finally unfollowed her facebook, I stopped watching her snapchat stories, I finally unfollowed her on instagram, and I've finally decided to stop posting how "good" my life is. I've finally made the conscious decision to cut her out of my life and focus completely on myself FOR myself. But dammit how do I get rid of this feeling of blame...

 

 

We all play the blame game, they blame us we blame them, at the end of the day its doesn't really matter about who did what to whom you have to face the fact that the breakup happened, I think blame eventually eases along with all the other emotions associated with the sisutation, blame is just another part of the nagging feeling, the nagging feeling is made up of many components such as, sadness, hurt, betrayal, what if, will she come back etc etc, add blame in to there and you have the nagging feeling, if bit by bit you can deconstruct, analyse, then discount each component then bit by bit you will start to feel better I hope, so why not write down all the things you feel blame about then bit by bit go through them to see if you can honestly say that you were guilty as accused, I have done this and it made me feel a bit better as it is just one less thing to feel bad about but you must be honest with your answers.

[hearbroken]

hey anyone else have any thoughts... day 6 of nc....

[KBarletta]

hey anyone else have any thoughts... day 6 of nc....

 

A few thoughts:

 

1. Blame is a natural part of the grieving process. You need to let yourself go through it. The key is that once you do, you need to forgive yourself. You aren't perfect, neither is she. You're both human and have faults and are both to blame in some ways. Let that go eventually, but it is a stage you need to go through to heal.

 

2. The part of the "blame game" this is productive is recognizing things you could have done better. You can use those things to grow and become a better person and better partner in the future, either with someone else or your ex if reconciliation is an option (way down the line).

 

3. Six days of NC is just the beginning. You need to stick to it and get to the one, two month point, maybe more, before you start feeling/seeing real results. Hang in there. You will feel better.

[hearbroken]

thanks man i guess for me accepting its over is just really hard.... lt doesnt feel like the final chapter but i have to accept it.... and if it is meant to be she will reach out

 

 

 

A few thoughts:

 

1. Blame is a natural part of the grieving process. You need to let yourself go through it. The key is that once you do, you need to forgive yourself. You aren't perfect, neither is she. You're both human and have faults and are both to blame in some ways. Let that go eventually, but it is a stage you need to go through to heal.

 

2. The part of the "blame game" this is productive is recognizing things you could have done better. You can use those things to grow and become a better person and better partner in the future, either with someone else or your ex if reconciliation is an option (way down the line).

 

3. Six days of NC is just the beginning. You need to stick to it and get to the one, two month point, maybe more, before you start feeling/seeing real results. Hang in there. You will feel better.

[BC1980]

thanks man i guess for me accepting its over is just really hard.... lt doesnt feel like the final chapter but i have to accept it.... and if it is meant to be she will reach out

 

You can't really expect to accept a breakup after 6 days of NC. Acceptance is the last part of the grieving process, and it occurs when you file the entire relationship away as a part of your past that you learned from. It took me about a year of NC to reach full acceptance. Like you, I stayed in contact with my ex for some time after our breakup (he strung me along for 8 months), so I had to start the grieving process from scratch after I told him to leave me alone and went total NC. I will say this. Your ex being involved with someone else, while very painful in the short term, can really help you close the door and reach acceptance in the long term. I have had several people tell me that knowing their exes jumped right into a relationship helped them move forward more quickly.