ralfgarnett Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 You can't really expect to accept a breakup after 6 days of NC. Acceptance is the last part of the grieving process, and it occurs when you file the entire relationship away as a part of your past that you learned from. It took me about a year of NC to reach full acceptance. Like you, I stayed in contact with my ex for some time after our breakup (he strung me along for 8 months), so I had to start the grieving process from scratch after I told him to leave me alone and went total NC. I will say this. Your ex being involved with someone else, while very painful in the short term, can really help you close the door and reach acceptance in the long term. I have had several people tell me that knowing their exes jumped right into a relationship helped them move forward more quickly. Not so sure, if my w/s jumped in to a relationship I would be livid with her not to mention disgusted. Link to post Share on other sites
hearbroken Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 makes it more painfully for me....i would rather her have said ok were done.... instead of her wanting to be friends telling me she loves me and misses me etc Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 makes it more painfully for me....i would rather her have said ok were done.... instead of her wanting to be friends telling me she loves me and misses me etc That's her, a hurt person, trying to make herself less hurt and less guilty by maintaining a friendship with you and keeping you around for comfort. All the more reason you need to stick to NC. You WILL feel better. I am less than two months into NC and I already feel like myself for long stretches. Not to say that I feel great yet, but I know it's working. Hang in there, and don't accept anything less than either 1. No contact or 2. A full commitment from her toward romantic reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Not so sure, if my w/s jumped in to a relationship I would be livid with her not to mention disgusted. I meant that in the short term it's painful, but you can move on quicker in the long term. I don't know from experience, but I've had several people tell me that was what happened to them. They never held out hope for reconciliation, so the grief process was able to stay on track for the most part. I know that when I stayed in contact with my ex, it greatly protracted the grief process because I was holding onto hope. I also think that knowing your ex has been with someone else can kill off any sexual/romantic feelings for them. My romantic feelings were pretty much non existent before I found out, but they went to zero after I found out. I could never look at him the same way again. Until I recently found out he is engaged, I would occasionally wonder if I would ever find out he had found someone else. Now, I don't have to wonder that anymore, and he won't ever come back to reel me back in. It's good and done. Edited January 7, 2015 by BC1980 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 makes it more painfully for me....i would rather her have said ok were done.... instead of her wanting to be friends telling me she loves me and misses me etc Ugh. I went though this same thing. It's like a feather in their hat to claim friendship. They also keep you on the line as an option. If you read my recent thread, that is what happened to me. He strung me along, and, when I told him to eff off and leave me alone, he turns up engaged 5 months later. Seriously? I'm sure he has us both on the line until I went dark on him. Link to post Share on other sites
hearbroken Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 someone told me she is confused.... i mean i know she loves me but i think its that she doesnt know if she can trust me/or am the one That's her, a hurt person, trying to make herself less hurt and less guilty by maintaining a friendship with you and keeping you around for comfort. All the more reason you need to stick to NC. You WILL feel better. I am less than two months into NC and I already feel like myself for long stretches. Not to say that I feel great yet, but I know it's working. Hang in there, and don't accept anything less than either 1. No contact or 2. A full commitment from her toward romantic reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Aint_Easy Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 what about when they say something like "I'm so relieved to hear from you, happy to say the least. I deeply miss you as my best friend, but I need time." (we were best friends for years before getting together) this was what she sent me on week 5 of NC, after I sent her a message basically saying "I don't want you to think I'm stealing our group of friends away from you, they are still your's too, and if you thought that was my intention I apologize" Now I'm on week 8 of NC after that just confused. She dropped our amazing relationship to go be single and be free and selfish and blah blah and says SHE needs time?? Link to post Share on other sites
hearbroken Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 lifegoeson, I was wondering if you can opine on my situation...thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 someone told me she is confused.... i mean i know she loves me but i think its that she doesnt know if she can trust me/or am the one Is your purpose in life to be around to ease someone else's guilt and dirty conscious? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hearbroken Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Is your purpose in life to be around to ease someone else's guilt and dirty conscious? your right... that why i did nc.... i guess its just so ****ing confusing.... how you date someone and then talk about kids and engagement rings with me etc maybe he is rebound but am not waiting Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 And all that "some girls" this or that, dude seriously, all their brains operate the same. Despite their personality, looks, upbringing, etc. It all comes down to psychological influences, and they have to be "challenged", they have to "wonder" what you're doing, who you're with, whether or not you miss them... They can't know you're pining over them. They have to believe THEY f-ked up and made a mistake and now they're losing you. Until they are obsessed, like some literotica novel or something. It's true, believe it. That's where I messed up so badly. It doesn't matter. I wasn't int he right frame of mind to play the game of being cool regardless. At least I didn't totally screw up, and keep playing the game, and possibly lose even more value by being there for her for weeks, and months. Had to cut it off. Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Pretty much. Used logic and poured my heart out ONCE right after the BU, but I responded to breadcrumbs. Happy as ever, but let it turn into a conversation. More than anything else, it just hurt...and probably revealed that I was pining. At this point, I really just wish I'd saved myself the embarrassment. So at this point, it's over in terms of ever getting that chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 That's where I messed up so badly. It doesn't matter. I wasn't int he right frame of mind to play the game of being cool regardless. At least I didn't totally screw up, and keep playing the game, and possibly lose even more value by being there for her for weeks, and months. Had to cut it off. The thing is, they know when you play games. But you gotta "play" it cool. You know the secret? It gotta be genuine. If you're still invested, pinning for it, you'll end up having to play games in order to keep your stuff together. And that's bound to go up in flames at some point. The only way, is to not care anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 its all a push/pull thing, never ending power struggle haha relationships in a nutshell. oh so predictable lol its the same story, over & over & over.. I know, it gets ridiculous after awhile. I think the key to a successful relationship is finding an even balance between the pushing & pulling. as far as exes go, they do have love for us, and are people too, and its hard to let something you loved and cared about for a significant time "go". I don't think they mean to hurt us, but they are certainly selfish in a lot of ways. its not cool to play with someone's emotions because you aren't sure of your own. Wholeheartedly agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
hearbroken Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 does this nc work for a ex dating someone? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 does this nc work for a ex dating someone? NC is only guaranteed to work in one way: It will help YOU heal. It will not send your ex running back into your arms, or have them burning up your phone line. That's up to them, not you. Remember, NC is for you - to provide you with the best environment to heal, move on and become a better person. You cannot do that if you are pining every single day for them. Don't concentrate on them. Concentrate on you. That's what NC is for. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 through my experince with nc out of an almost 4 year rl and 17 month nc. i can safely say nc restored my value towards her . i increased my value and from the poor dumpee i became a wanted single . i know unbelievable but true story though. from the point she said she wants to break up i responded with joy politness and simplicity. since then i did hardcore nc, she called like 170 times.dozens of texts.dozens of encrypted calls. couple of mails and now 2 years later an email asking how i am doing. of course i ignored. i am now sure i spin in her head 24/7. i spin so much in her head that she broke up her current bf. hehehehe. psychology game. just do nc. i will break nc only if her interest level makes her do impossible things. and its true girls want what they cant have. i dont really know though if i want her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 nc is like banks interest rate the more you wait the more you get.just make sure to get enough for a lifetime :lmao::lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 through my experince with nc out of an almost 4 year rl and 17 month nc. i can safely say nc restored my value towards her . i increased my value and from the poor dumpee i became a wanted single . i know unbelievable but true story though. from the point she said she wants to break up i responded with joy politness and simplicity. since then i did hardcore nc, she called like 170 times.dozens of texts.dozens of encrypted calls. couple of mails and now 2 years later an email asking how i am doing. of course i ignored. i am now sure i spin in her head 24/7. i spin so much in her head that she broke up her current bf. hehehehe. psychology game. just do nc. i will break nc only if her interest level makes her do impossible things. and its true girls want what they cant have. i dont really know though if i want her back. Did she ever give you a really good breadcrumb, and you almost broke? Is it just a bunch of, "I want you in my life as friends!" (disguised as "I miss you sooo much!") messages? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Did she ever give you a really good breadcrumb, and you almost broke? Is it just a bunch of, "I want you in my life as friends!" (disguised as "I miss you sooo much!") messages? There is no friendship between failed romantic partners. I miss you sooo much means "I hit a bump and I need your validation to ease my guilt." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 There is no friendship between failed romantic partners. I miss you sooo much means "I hit a bump and I need your validation to ease my guilt." Or, " me and my man are fighting". Also, "my new relationship didn't work out". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 i went stealth mode area 51 lol. i literally vanished. never initiated contact and didnt allow my self to answer. the bigger breadcrumb was a compination of text cute messages and out of my ignorance she calls in the middle of the night couple days later. well she also looks like she came from a funeral in all pics at social media. its so funny.. the guy she went with aint the so much of better ,infact he is a pathetic looser but i dont wan to be mean, now on i only focus on my income and my businesses while i keep the no contact account to grow a huge interest and liquify it :D:D:D Did she ever give you a really good breadcrumb, and you almost broke? Is it just a bunch of, "I want you in my life as friends!" (disguised as "I miss you sooo much!") messages? Link to post Share on other sites
Aint_Easy Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 here's a question on the vanishing and disappearing completely though: social media? My friends have told me to go completely cold. Stop posting anything. It's hard to not post the good things that happen in my life. But at the same time I want her to wonder what the hell is going on with my life instead of constantly seeing it. Example: Snapchat, she watches every single one of my snaps, sometimes she's the first one to see them. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 here's a question on the vanishing and disappearing completely though: social media? My friends have told me to go completely cold. Stop posting anything. It's hard to not post the good things that happen in my life. But at the same time I want her to wonder what the hell is going on with my life instead of constantly seeing it. Example: Snapchat, she watches every single one of my snaps, sometimes she's the first one to see them. If you block her, then you can post whatever you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) you have to undestand though. going stealth mode doesnt mean to manualy block her.for example.i have my ex on viber. the only thing she can see is when i am online and a lame quality avatar image nth more.if i do the extra mile to block her it would mean i have sth that bothers me and this would make me putting effort at least in blocking her. the thing is to put 0 effort. any amount of energy you put out of your self MUST be for anything but her. easy. justimagine that a UFO abducted your ex dumper . would you do any blocking? no would you avoid sth? no would you call? no would you answer her call which comes from earth? no would you answer her texts? no take into account advanced physics. is there a negative mass. a negative molecule in the cosmos? if it is its her. it like the void. the gap. the minus. capiche? take care here's a question on the vanishing and disappearing completely though: social media? My friends have told me to go completely cold. Stop posting anything. It's hard to not post the good things that happen in my life. But at the same time I want her to wonder what the hell is going on with my life instead of constantly seeing it. Example: Snapchat, she watches every single one of my snaps, sometimes she's the first one to see them. Edited January 12, 2015 by hurts2death Link to post Share on other sites
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