If you want them back.

[Van Norden]

So your'e ex is checking up on you, telling you she misses you, what are you waiting for? I don't get it. Women often give clues rather than saying things outright. I feel like some people are waiting for a certain phrase or statement when it's right in front of them.

 

Unless she's just unstable, and on one hand is contacting you/missing you but she is dead set on being broken up. Is that the case?

No way, dude. Unless I am terribly wrong, no text deserves reply other than "I want to get back with you". Obviously there are cases of friendly break ups in which you can reply with monosyllables, like with a birthday greeting as I did.

Other than that, stay in NC. My ex told me she was struggling a lot missing me one week after she broke up, and I found it just normal but without having anything to do with wanting to continue the relationship - all in all, we spent great times and she confessed that I had not a single flaw for her, just that she couldn't love at all due to her troubled mindset at the moment (and, before someone gets into the cynical viewpoint as I did: I have enough proof that there is no third person involved, but surely it will be sooner or later since I've chosen complete NC). There is no day that passes without questioning her behaviors, before and after the rupture, in hopes of her wanting to get back. Only time will tell, but hopefully it would be in a not-so-near future so all wounds are healed and we are able to START a new relationship together rather than just CONTINUE a dying one.

 

If it's meant to be, it will be. I don't know if that uplifts or devastates, but reality is what it is. Hope my post helps someone.

[Cedar27]

Obviously I agree with you that if the dumper truly doesn't know what they want or is content with the break up, it's probably not a good idea to respond to those kinds of statements.

 

However find that out first.

 

P.S. not all of us were in relationships where we had our hearts stomped on by vicious and evil dumpers that left over selfishness and need to win us back by chasing us. Many dumpees recognize they played their own part in the downfall of the relationship, in some cases even pushing the dumper out the door. So some are more sympathetic to an ex than others.

 

I mean what do you do in these cases? When you played a good 50% or more in the downfall of a relationship and your ex finally left? Make them chase you? I don't know about that. It's tricky wouldn't you say?

Edited March 3, 2015 by Cedar27

[Simon Phoenix]

Obviously I agree with you that if the dumper truly doesn't know what they want or is content with the break up, it's probably not a good idea to respond to those kinds of statements.

 

However find that out first.

 

If the dumper is serious, they'll make it a heck of a lot more obvious. If they aren't, they won't. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup 99% of dumpees aren't able to handle waffling, so if a dumper wants the dumpee back, then they are going to eventually have to be clear about it. Maybe not necessarily a "I want you back", but they don't get the luxury of being able to tiptoe back into contact. You broke you, you fix it. Nothing personal, just be accountable for your actions and the consequences of those actions.

[Cedar27]

If the dumper is serious, they'll make it a heck of a lot more obvious. If they aren't, they won't. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup 99% of dumpees aren't able to handle waffling, so if a dumper wants the dumpee back, then they are going to eventually have to be clear about it. Maybe not necessarily a "I want you back", but they don't get the luxury of being able to tiptoe back into contact. You broke you, you fix it. Nothing personal, just be accountable for your actions and the consequences of those actions.

 

I edited my post, not sure if you read the last few paragraphs. Any thoughts on these situations?

[Van Norden]

I mean what do you do in these cases? When you played a good 50% or more in the downfall of a relationship and your ex finally left? Make them chase you? I don't know about that. It's tricky wouldn't you say?

I think I would have apologized before NC. Trying to fix anything I could have broken. After that, NC. Not a strict one, since I'm unable to ignore messages of someone I still care for, but one that does not put any hope of reconciliation in any message short of "I want you back" (or some less straight yet obvious messages).

 

But, again, every case is a different world and I'm lost myself trying to move on in mine. I don't know if I'm the most accurate messiah.

[Cedar27]

I think I would have apologized before NC. Trying to fix anything I could have broken. After that, NC. Not a strict one, since I'm unable to ignore messages of someone I still care for, but one that does not put any hope of reconciliation in any message short of "I want you back" (or some less straight yet obvious messages).

 

But, again, every case is a different world and I'm lost myself trying to move on in mine. I don't know if I'm the most accurate messiah.

 

Yeah, that's what I essentially did. I owned up to what I did wrong and put the ball in her court. Then again my situation is very unique. I feel like I contributed to the downfall of our relationship like 50%, as did she. She didn't communicate to me a lot about our problems and by the time she did she was out, yet I was ready to work on them. It's a complex situation but I understand what I did to drive her away, then again I can't hear what people don't say.

 

Either way yeah I don't think there's much more I can do personally than what i've done. I've taken responsibility, apologized for what I needed to, and asked for reconciliation in which she denied. Then she said if she changes her mind she'll let me know, but right now she needs time to sort through her life and find herself. Long long story I have a number of threads on it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I edited my post, not sure if you read the last few paragraphs. Any thoughts on these situations?

 

I'm answering this based on the situations of the dumpees in this thread, ones that are clearly heartbroken and feeling a heavy loss.

 

First of all, I don't believe all dumpers are evil. In fact, I don't believe that 50 percent of dumpers are evil. But I do believe that if you are the one to break something up, it's up to you to do the vast majority of the lifting. The only exceptions to this case in my mind are forced dumpers by means of betrayal such as cheating. In that case, the dumper is basically the dumpee.

 

Sure, there are situations where the dumpee might be more than 50% responsible for the downfall of a relationship. But, at the same time, the dumper chose to end the relationship despite the dumpee appealing to them to work it out. When a dumper does that, the consequences of that action is that they don't get to use the dumpee as a sounding board, a support. If you want that, then you stay in the relationship. You don't get to break up with someone to test to see how they respond -- that's juvenile and not a solid foundation for any sort of healthy relationship.

 

If the dumper feels that they need to break up with the dumpee, that's fine. But if you reconsider that position, it's up to you to clearly let the dumpee know. That's called being an adult. You make a decision, you live with the decision. If you want to take back the decision, then you let that person know clearly. The dumpee has already appealed to them to reconsider, which was shot down. It's not the dumpee's role, especially when still feeling vulnerable and like crap, to gobble up the ex's breadcrumbs. That's a terrible way to go.

 

And dumpers that dump with conditions suck, even if the dumper is completely justified for dumping. Either you take them as is (with the potential to be surprised) or you move forward yourself (which is what you expressed that you wanted to do when you dumped the dumpee).

 

When you fire someone (for cause or what not), you don't continuously call them and tell them that feel bad about it and you miss them in the office and that maybe you'll rehire them. You let them be, leave them alone and let them find their own work and don't tell them that you "might" rehire them. If you want to rehire them to the old position, you call them and tell them the job is open and that you want them back. I see breakups as firings in many ways.

 

Dumping someone is a major breach of trust. When you do that, you have to earn that trust back. And yes, maybe the dumper dumped the dumpee for lack of trust. But if that's the case, that dumper needs to forge ahead and try to find someone they can trust, not check up on the dumpee and hope that the dumpee magically becomes trustworthy over the course of a few weeks or a month. That's just stupid for both parties. I also think that dumpers that send messages right after a breakup aren't thinking in the right state of mind. No Contact is also beneficial to them, as they can come to grips with what they've done and be consistent in their intentions instead of the infuriating waffling that usually happens.

 

So yeah, I'm sorry, I will not ever advise dumpees that are still hurting and still raw to gobble up breadcrumbs. The only way I would ever advise such a thing is if the dumpee can basically say "meh, whatever" if the ups and downs of contact arise or they don't get their way ultimately. "I miss you" more than often means that they miss the person as a friend but have no desire to get back with them. Almost every dumper misses the dumpee. Every girl that's ever dumped me has missed me, and I've missed most of the girls I've dumped. But that's not good enough. You can dump whoever you want, but live with your decision. You were able to cut the cord on a emotional relationship -- you are more than able to put yourself on the line if you truly want that person back. Sure, it's not very comfortable, but being dumped certainly isn't comfortable.

 

I know I probably come off as a hard-ass and anti-dumper, but I'm not that at all. If a dumper has legitimate reason to dump, they should definitely do it. But I also believe that when you make a decision, you live with the consequences of that decision. If I get caught for speeding, I pay my ticket because that was the consequence of me breaking that law. If I don't pay my cable bill, I don't get to watch cable TV. And so on and so forth.

 

So to make a short story really long, no, I do not agree with dumpees that are still emotionally raw checking up with dumpers that send them breadcrumbs. And if the dumper was a "forced dumper", I'd get on them for communicating like that with a person who clearly f*cked them over.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, that's what I essentially did. I owned up to what I did wrong and put the ball in her court. Then again my situation is very unique. I feel like I contributed to the downfall of our relationship like 50%, as did she. She didn't communicate to me a lot about our problems and by the time she did she was out, yet I was ready to work on them. It's a complex situation but I understand what I did to drive her away, then again I can't hear what people don't say.

 

Either way yeah I don't think there's much more I can do personally than what i've done. I've taken responsibility, apologized for what I needed to, and asked for reconciliation in which she denied. Then she said if she changes her mind she'll let me know, but right now she needs time to sort through her life and find herself. Long long story I have a number of threads on it.

 

The one that brought me here was similar. I definitely played a large part in why she dumped me, and I completely owned up to my part of what happened plus gave her detailed descriptions of why it happened (as you saw from my last post I tend to do that) so she had all the info. She from there chose to stick with her decision. That's fine -- but I would have certainly expect the same courtesy in her explanation process that I gave her before making any moves when I was still vulnerable. Now I couldn't care less and could have a conversation with her about whatever if I chose, but at that time, no chance I would let her be able to limp in when I came correct.

[Cedar27]

Man that was well said. I agree with everything you mentioned. You have a way of putting things that is spot on. I do think you come off a bit strong sometimes but underneath that there's a lot of wisdom.

 

Only thing I would add is if this is the first time an ex is reaching out, saying "I miss you", or checking in, it doesn't hurt to investigate a bit more by engaging with them.

 

If it's soon clear they just want to drop breadcrumbs to relieve their guilt, or stay "friends", or use you as their therapist, then it's time to express that you need more than that and go full blown NC until they are clear with their intentions.

 

I would think you would probably agree.

[Van Norden]

Man that was well said. I agree with everything you mentioned. You have a way of putting things that is spot on. I do think you come off a bit strong sometimes but underneath that there's a lot of wisdom.

 

Only thing I would add is if this is the first time an ex is reaching out, saying "I miss you", or checking in, it doesn't hurt to investigate a bit more by engaging with them.

 

If it's soon clear they just want to drop breadcrumbs to relieve their guilt, or stay "friends", or use you as their therapist, then it's time to express that you need more than that and go full blown NC until they are clear with their intentions.

 

I would think you would probably agree.

In my case she said that "I still LIKE you both physically and psychologically and I'd like to things work as ever". I told her to get back to me when she felt that she REALLY missed me as I deserve. Don't know if I lost her forever with such a bold statement, but I was in love and she was not, so rather than conform to just be friends with mutual sexual impulses, I'd let the thing go and wish she gets back when clears her mind up.

[Simon Phoenix]

Only thing I would add is if this is the first time an ex is reaching out, saying "I miss you", or checking in, it doesn't hurt to investigate a bit more by engaging with them.

 

Actually, no, I don't agree at all with that. You have to earn my contact, and a simple "I miss you" isn't good enough. And yes, it can absolutely hurt. It can be like being broken up with again. It can be unbelievably awful.

 

If it means more, they'll come back with more. If the "I miss you" salad was the appetizer to a juicy t-bone steak, they are going to bring you the steak even if you pass on the salad.

 

So no, I would unequivocally disagree with that assessment.

[Cedar27]

Actually, no, I don't agree at all with that. You have to earn my contact, and a simple "I miss you" isn't good enough. And yes, it can absolutely hurt. It can be like being broken up with again. It can be unbelievably awful.

 

If it means more, they'll come back with more. If the "I miss you" salad was the appetizer to a juicy t-bone steak, they are going to bring you the steak even if you pass on the salad.

 

So no, I would unequivocally disagree with that assessment.

 

Well, that's where we would disagree despite the fact we mostly see things eye to eye. I think that there are some exes who would prefer to come back without putting everything out there immediately. I don't think a dumpee investigating and finding out where they are at, just once, is all that bad. It's much better though if the dumpee has gotten to a place where their expectations have lowered or diminished.

 

If a dumpee gives their ex the cold shoulder when they are trying to reignite the flame (albeit in a timid way), the dumper could take it as a response of disinterest. You've now lost a legitimate chance of reconciliation. Of course I know what you are going to say. If the ex is that interested in you, they will up the ante and become more clear with their intentions. If they are too prideful to do so they really weren't that motivated in the first place. You might be right to some extent, but some people aren't that bold and that's just how they operate.

 

They may want to test the waters to see where you are at so to speak. They may just want to reconnect in a more organic way. Some people, especially women, are not good pursuers. They would rather drop clues and hints that they want to reconnect than come out and say it outright. To expect them to just "get" the message by your silence is a poor choice of conveying where you stand, and in a way seems like a game where we expect them to play by the rules without letting them know what the rules are.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, that's where we would disagree despite the fact we mostly see things eye to eye. I think that there are some exes who would prefer to come back without putting everything out there immediately. I don't think a dumpee investigating and finding out where they are at, just once, is all that bad. It's much better though if the dumpee has gotten to a place where their expectations have lowered or diminished.

 

First of all, I'm sure there are a lot of dumpers that would prefer to come back with the dumpee holding their hand. And I'd prefer to have a high-paying job where I don't have to work very much or do much of anything. Just because that's what they prefer does not mean that it's reasonable to expect such a thing. And like I said before, the overwhelming majority of the people looking for advice on here do not have lowered or diminished expecations because it's fresh. When they do they become like me and are giving out advice instead of asking for it.

 

If a dumpee gives their ex the cold shoulder when they are trying to reignite the flame (albeit in a timid way), the dumper could take it as a response of disinterest. You've now lost a legitimate chance of reconciliation. Of course I know what you are going to say. If the ex is that interested in you, they will up the ante and become more clear with their intentions. If they are too prideful to do so they really weren't that motivated in the first place. You might be right to some extent, but some people aren't that bold and that's just how they operate.

 

They may want to test the waters to see where you are at so to speak. They may just want to reconnect in a more organic way. Some people, especially women, are not good pursuers. They would rather drop clues and hints that they want to reconnect than come out and say it outright. To expect them to just "get" the message by your silence is a poor choice of conveying where you stand, and in a way seems like a game where we expect them to play by the rules without letting them know what the rules are.

 

No offense, but I completely disagree with all of this. I don't care if they don't feel "bold" for two reasons. 1) Fortune favors the bold and 2) they were "bold" enough to dump, so that's a sh*tty copout. Plus, a mature dumper would realize that they have to earn trust and not hold it against the dumpee.

 

And the whole "game" thing doesn't exactly resonate with me either. They are the ones who kicked off this "game" by pulling the plug on the relationship. And every, and I mean every, successful reconciliation that has happened came from the dumper being bold. My brother-in-law for example was given nothing by my sister. She didn't trust him and made him earn the communication she eventually gave him. He didn't tuck and run though -- he wanted what he wanted and he realize he had to up the ante. And women don't get different rules because they are women -- also have a female friend who successfully reconciled with an ex she dumped because she was able to shuck this "oh no, I'm a woman and the rules don't apply to me" thing and come correct with what she wanted.

 

It's simple to me -- you break, you fix. Things get broken for all sorts of reasons on the micro level, but on the macro level, the person that breaks something fixes it if they want to continue to utilize. If they don't, someone else will.

[Ruby65]

They may want to test the waters to see where you are at so to speak. They may just want to reconnect in a more organic way. Some people, especially women, are not good pursuers. They would rather drop clues and hints that they want to reconnect than come out and say it outright. To expect them to just "get" the message by your silence is a poor choice of conveying where you stand, and in a way seems like a game where we expect them to play by the rules without letting them know what the rules are.

 

Curious how many times this approach has worked for you? It's sure never proven true for me. Anytime I've reconciled, it's started with a very clear message of: "I want to get back together."

 

Anytime I've been jerked around by contact from a dumper -- to ease their guilt or keep me on the backburner -- it's started with a very ambiguous "how are you doing?" type message. Sadly, THIS type of contact is the vast majority.... based on my own personal experiences and certainly as reflected in the experiences of people who post on sites like this.

[Cedar27]

Curious how many times this approach has worked for you? It's sure never proven true for me. Anytime I've reconciled, it's started with a very clear message of: "I want to get back together."

 

Never honestly tried it. My ex from the get go has been very clear about needing space and only contacting me if she's ready.

[Simon Phoenix]

Curious how many times this approach has worked for you? It's sure never proven true for me. Anytime I've reconciled, it's started with a very clear message of: "I want to get back together."

 

Anytime I've been jerked around by contact from a dumper -- to ease their guilt or keep me on the backburner -- it's started with a very ambiguous "how are you doing?" type message. Sadly, THIS type of contact is the vast majority.... based on my own personal experiences and certainly as reflected in the experiences of people who post on sites like this.

 

Yeah, I've never seen this happen either -- at least not when the dumpee was still hurting. I've seen it happen when the dumpee didn't care about the old relationship anymore, but I've always said that if the dumpee is indifferent and isn't hurt, then do whatever they want.

[Simon Phoenix]

And Cedar, I've had a woman who dumped me lay it all out on the line to try to get me back. I eventually said no, but I respected that she did it. I agree that many women would rather not do that, but sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable for you to fix something that you caused. That's the way of the world.

[Cedar27]

First of all, I'm sure there are a lot of dumpers that would prefer to come back with the dumpee holding their hand. And I'd prefer to have a high-paying job where I don't have to work very much or do much of anything. Just because that's what they prefer does not mean that it's reasonable to expect such a thing. And like I said before, the overwhelming majority of the people looking for advice on here do not have lowered or diminished expecations because it's fresh. When they do they become like me and are giving out advice instead of asking for it.

 

 

 

No offense, but I completely disagree with all of this. I don't care if they don't feel "bold" for two reasons. 1) Fortune favors the bold and 2) they were "bold" enough to dump, so that's a sh*tty copout. Plus, a mature dumper would realize that they have to earn trust and not hold it against the dumpee.

 

And the whole "game" thing doesn't exactly resonate with me either. They are the ones who kicked off this "game" by pulling the plug on the relationship. And every, and I mean every, successful reconciliation that has happened came from the dumper being bold. My brother-in-law for example was given nothing by my sister. She didn't trust him and made him earn the communication she eventually gave him. He didn't tuck and run though -- he wanted what he wanted and he realize he had to up the ante. And women don't get different rules because they are women -- also have a female friend who successfully reconciled with an ex she dumped because she was able to shuck this "oh no, I'm a woman and the rules don't apply to me" thing and come correct with what she wanted.

 

It's simple to me -- you break, you fix. Things get broken for all sorts of reasons on the micro level, but on the macro level, the person that breaks something fixes it if they want to continue to utilize. If they don't, someone else will.

 

Your post does make a whole lot of sense and I can't say I disagree with it, but I suppose I just am not so all-or-none in that sense. If someone is going to reach out to their ex one time with the hopes of getting back together, and they decide to do so with a simple message of I miss you, there are worse things in the world and I think the dumpee should respond to see what's up, while soon leading things back to a place of reconciliation talk. I just wouldn't shut them down completely from the get-go, but that's me.

 

Then again, I think it's probably healthy for dumpees to make it abundantly clear to their exes that any future communication shall only be with the intention of reconciliation to avoid these gray areas which may or may not be legitimate attempts of reconciliation. I think that takes care of most of the problems right there.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your post does make a whole lot of sense and I can't say I disagree with it, but I suppose I just am not so all-or-none in that sense. If someone is going to reach out to their ex one time with the hopes of getting back together, and they decide to do so with a simple message of I miss you, there are worse things in the world and I think the dumpee should respond to see what's up, while soon leading things back to a place of reconciliation talk. I just wouldn't shut them down completely from the get-go, but that's me.

 

Then again, I think it's probably healthy for dumpees to make it abundantly clear to their exes that any future communication shall only be with the intention of reconciliation to avoid these gray areas which may or may not be legitimate attempts of reconciliation. I think that takes care of most of the problems right there.

 

I mean, the odds of you eating sh*t with that approach are far greater than the odds of you getting a tasty steak dinner. It's an unnecessary risk to me and reeks of you tiptoeing around a person who put you in a pretty gnarly position, which isn't very attractive to that person. They know you're hurt, and most of them, if they truly value you, will respect that you aren't so easy and that you have a bit of a backbone. But if that's the way you want to roll, ultimately it's on you. That's more likely to get you a reservation in the friendzone section though, because at what point do you stop reciprocating. If you answer this one, then, oh, this next one will be a step in the right direction. And that's how you'll spin it in your head until you are a mess.

 

But like I said, if that's the way you want to roll, have fun with it.

[Cedar27]

IThat's more likely to get you a reservation in the friendzone section though, because at what point do you stop reciprocating. If you answer this one, then, oh, this next one will be a step in the right direction. And that's how you'll spin it in your head until you are a mess

 

Yeah, i'm not down with that approach. I was strictly talking about a one time get of jail free card. I would stay stop reciprocating soon after it becomes clear it's not going anywhere. You should know pretty quick. I wouldn't advise anyone go days, or weeks playing this game.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, i'm not down with that approach. I was strictly talking about a one time get of jail free card. I would stay stop reciprocating soon after it becomes clear it's not going anywhere. You should know pretty quick. I wouldn't advise anyone go days, or weeks playing this game.

 

And here in lies the major problem I have with this approach -- it assumes that the dumpee is able to clearly decipher what's going on logically and be able to clearly tell how things are trending. That just doesn't happen.

 

Your perception is so clouded at this stage that nothing is clear to you. Hell, even when it is clear to everyone on the outside it ain't happening you're hanging onto straws and mixed signals. People in the healing/mourning stage are rarely capable of logically being able to truly decipher how things are trending, which is why they are advised to stay away from contact.

 

Think about any girl you've had a crush on but you weren't quite sure if she felt the same. Multiply that by 20 and that's the confusion that can happen. It might as well be one of Dante's levels of hell.

 

But yeah, the assumption that the dumpee can clearly tell what's going on without their wants/feelings/delusions clouding the issue is why I would never advise that particular course of action.

[Cedar27]

And here in lies the major problem I have with this approach -- it assumes that the dumpee is able to clearly decipher what's going on logically and be able to clearly tell how things are trending. That just doesn't happen.

 

Your perception is so clouded at this stage that nothing is clear to you. Hell, even when it is clear to everyone on the outside it ain't happening you're hanging onto straws and mixed signals. People in the healing/mourning stage are rarely capable of logically being able to truly decipher how things are trending, which is why they are advised to stay away from contact.

 

Think about any girl you've had a crush on but you weren't quite sure if she felt the same. Multiply that by 20 and that's the confusion that can happen. It might as well be one of Dante's levels of hell.

 

But yeah, the assumption that the dumpee can clearly tell what's going on without their wants/feelings/delusions clouding the issue is why I would never advise that particular course of action.

 

I do see your point. A dumpee in an emotionally fragile spot will likely not heed my advice. They will grasp onto every text as if it were an olive branch and get their hopes up, only to hang on when objectively it's clear the dumper has no intention of getting back with them.

 

Perhaps this approach should only be advisable to those who have gone some considerable time without their ex, and have gotten to a point where they will not jump for joy at a simple text message or call from their ex.

 

I definitely see what you are saying. I guess I just would hate to tell a recent dumpee who's ex is actually motivated to get back with them (without saying it in so many words), to ignore them until they hear a clear statement. I would hate if they lost a legitimate chance by being too exact in their expectations. This is very tricky business in that sense, but I think in most cases it probably favors your view.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Cedar27

[Simon Phoenix]

I do see your point. A dumpee in an emotionally fragile spot will likely not heed my advice. They will grasp onto every text as if it were an olive branch and get their hopes up, only to hang on when objectively it's clear the dumper has no intention of getting back with them.

 

Perhaps this approach should only be advisable to those who have gone some considerable time without their ex, and have gotten to a point where they will not jump for joy at a simple text message or call from their ex.

 

I definitely see what you are saying. I guess I just would hate to NOT give this type of advice to a recent dumpee who's ex is actually motivated to get back with them, but doesn't say it in a clear way. This is very tricky business in that sense, but I think in most cases it probably favors your view.

 

If that ex is motivated though, they aren't going to be dissuaded by a simple non-response to an "I miss you" text or something. Giving up that easily would be the exact opposite of being "motivated." You see where I'm coming from?

 

I think you don't want to be a stick in the mud and you think that "hope" is a good thing. And in theory, it does seem like a good thing. But the reason that people on here advise others to let go of "hope" because that hope can lead you down a really, really, really painful path.

 

Not sure if you watch Star Wars, but the thing that starts Anakin Skywalker's path to the Dark Side is actually "noble" -- his love for his mother and his wish to "save" her. But the unrequited result of him acting on that set in motion an inner turmoil in him that eventually caused him to become Darth Vader. I'm stretching with this analogy, but it holds true in a lot of ways -- the "noble" notion of hope can start an avalanche of negativity that's ultimately harmful.

[Cedar27]

If that ex is motivated though, they aren't going to be dissuaded by a simple non-response to an "I miss you" text or something. Giving up that easily would be the exact opposite of being "motivated." You see where I'm coming from?

Perhaps they want to be an adult and respect your space and not come off as intrusive, no? They hear silence, that's their answer. We advise dumpees all the time to do this.

 

I think you don't want to be a stick in the mud and you think that "hope" is a good thing. And in theory, it does seem like a good thing. But the reason that people on here advise others to let go of "hope" because that hope can lead you down a really, really, really painful path.

Letting go of hope is one thing, telling someone to ignore their ex when they reach out for the first time with some level of interest I think is a bit extreme. At least see what it's all about. Obviously if a person isn't able to accept the possible consequences it might be in their best interest not to.

 

Not sure if you watch Star Wars, but the thing that starts Anakin Skywalker's path to the Dark Side is actually "noble" -- his love for his mother and his wish to "save" her. But the unrequited result of him acting on that set in motion an inner turmoil in him that eventually caused him to become Darth Vader. I'm stretching with this analogy, but it holds true in a lot of ways -- the "noble" notion of hope can start an avalanche of negativity that's ultimately harmful.

I think you are taking this just a bit too far. All I said was if an ex reaches out after a period of time, or in a way that's indicative of interest, a dumpee who seeks reconciliation should hear them out just once.

 

Maybe we just don't see eye to eye on this.

[Pixel_Hugs]

I didn't read the whole 45 pages of this thread say I am sure I'm missing a lot here plus I'm half asleep so pardon me if I'm not reading this correctly or misunderstand.

 

I have read a other threads, have watched life coaches speak, and have had my own recent experiences.

 

It seems that if a women is the dumper she has to 'earn' her way back. A simple I miss you or how are you isn't good enough. That she needs to do much more then bring the appetizer. She needs to bring the steak.....

It's sounds like the woman needs to do some major kissing ass. Everyone wants the women to go outside her comfort zone to do the extra ordinary.

 

Why is it that when men do the dumping and want to reconcile it's make no contact, don't submit yourself to such humiliation. Don't risk your pride, have more respect for yourself, keep your dignity, be an Alpha male, indifference is your best bargaining chip...etc, etc...

 

I think everyone and every situation is different. You can't expect so much and shouldn't make people kiss your ass. If you wait too long to hear what you want to hear or for her to earn your particular level of respect she may just turn and walk away and you'll miss that boat forever.

 

I think with big risk comes big rewards and you sometimes have to risk your dignity or even stepping five steps backwards in your road to recovery. I also think forgiveness goes a long way. So what if all she says is 'I miss you'.. she is opening the door.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs