If you want them back.

[BC1980]

Not every situation is cut and dry, but you could be right. I'm not a mind reader.

 

I was like you when I first came to this site, but I soon realized that, yes, most situations are cut and dry when it comes to breakups. You can paint it in any way you like, and the specifics might be different. But people mostly behave in the same way after a breakup. It's uncanny really. I feel like I read the same threads over and over, and they all end the same. Funny thing is that when I started looking at situations in real life, they mirrored what I saw on LS.

 

The bottom line is that one party falls out of love and no longer cares to invest in the relationship. The other party doesn't feel the same, so they come up with a million reasons WHY their situation is different. I get why you feel the way you do because a ton of people come to LS with that same mindset. Heck, I was very hard headed when I came here. You can slice it a million different ways, but, when someone dumps you, all you can do is walk away and try not to take it personally.

[Cedar27]

I was like you when I first came to this site, but I soon realized that, yes, most situations are cut and dry when it comes to breakups. You can paint it in any way you like, and the specifics might be different. But people mostly behave in the same way after a breakup. It's uncanny really. I feel like I read the same threads over and over, and they all end the same. Funny thing is that when I started looking at situations in real life, they mirrored what I saw on LS.

 

The bottom line is that one party falls out of love and no longer cares to invest in the relationship. The other party doesn't feel the same, so they come up with a million reasons WHY their situation is different. I get why you feel the way you do because a ton of people come to LS with that same mindset. Heck, I was very hard headed when I came here. You can slice it a million different ways, but, when someone dumps you, all you can do is walk away and try not to take it personally.

 

I don't think I can ever accept that most relationships are cut and dry. My educational background is in psychology so maybe i'm just very careful about making blanket statements. I always like to analyze every situation, and unfortunately what we get on this site most often is bits and pieces so it's difficult for me to give the same advice all the time. What I can say is I do believe NC is the best method of healing in most cases of a break up and there's usually not much you can do to reconcile unless the other person wants to play ball. Methods of getting your ex back only work if the other person is open to it, and if they are open to it I suspect doing next to nothing would get you a similar result, as they would find a way to reach out. So i'm not that different really than most posters. I just see things in a slightly more open minded way. I'm not hard headed in my opinion because i'm open to different ideas. The other day Simon Phoenix opened me up to some new ways of thinking and I accepted it. He made some great points and made me change my mind a bit.

 

I will say this. If an ex reaches out to you after they've dumped you, I will advise people to see what's up just once. I admit, in many (if not most) cases they may just be fishing, looking to relieve their guilt, not serious, etc. But for that 10-20% or whatever the number is of dumpers who want to reconcile and are doing it in more of a timid way, I would hate for the dumpee to just ignore them. I would like them to see what the text/phone call is all about, and if it doesn't look like the ex is interested in reconciling this gives the dumpee a chance to clearly tell them the only time they should call in the future is for reconciliation. That is if they haven't already.

 

Some say that will set you back in the healing process. I think the biggest setback you could ever face would be a lost opportunity. I don't want anyone to go through the rest of their life saying they wish they just heard their ex out once. That's not extreme or unreasonable advice in my opinion.

 

Like other people said though, most posters on this site may not listen to me…they will take it too far and begin to analyze every breadcrumb text and won't be able to let go. To them I would say my advice is not for them. So I will concede my advice is probably best for those who have already done a lot recovery. I also agree with you that in most cases break ups have something to do with falling out of love, but many healthy and stable relationships that last a life time have ups and downs in terms of attraction levels. But they make it work through dedication and patience.

 

I believe most people (especially inexperienced ones) don't work hard enough to keep the love alive. I'm a firm believer that people can fall back in love, but of course they need to want to try. Many would rather take the easy way out. I am not referring to relationships of course that are rife with incompatibility issues/abuse/etc. either. I'm talking about those where people throw in the towel because the going gets tough, and they refuse to get going. They will repeat the pattern until they get that long term relationships aren't romance novels. Mature couples see the love dying out, recognize it, talk about it, and work on it. Love inevitably dies down if its not nurtured. I feel like it's equivalent of a person failing to water a plant, seeing it die out, and then they decide to walk away altogether because they convince themselves the plant was never good to begin with.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Cedar27

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think I can ever accept that most relationships are cut and dry. My educational background is in psychology so maybe i'm just very careful about making blanket statements. I always like to analyze every situation, and unfortunately what we get on this site most often is bits and pieces so it's difficult for me to give the same advice all the time. What I can say is I do believe NC is the best method of healing in most cases of a break up and there's usually not much you can do to reconcile unless the other person wants to play ball. Methods of getting your ex back only work if the other person is open to it, and if they are open to it I suspect doing next to nothing would get you a similar result, as they would find a way to reach out. So i'm not that different really than most posters. I just see things in a slightly more open minded way. I'm not hard headed in my opinion because i'm open to different ideas. The other day Simon Phoenix opened me up to some new ways of thinking and I accepted it. He made some great points and made me change my mind a bit.

 

I will say this. If an ex reaches out to you after they've dumped you, I will advise people to see what's up just once. I admit, in many (if not most) cases they may just be fishing, looking to relieve their guilt, not serious, etc. But for that 10-20% or whatever the number is of dumpers who want to reconcile and are doing it in more of a timid way, I would hate for the dumpee to just ignore them. I would like them to see what the text/phone call is all about, and if it doesn't look like the ex is interested in reconciling this gives the dumpee a chance to clearly tell them the only time they should call in the future is for reconciliation. That is if they haven't already.

 

Some say that will set you back in the healing process. I think the biggest setback you could ever face would be a lost opportunity. I don't want anyone to go through the rest of their life saying they wish they just heard their ex out once. That's not extreme or unreasonable advice in my opinion.

 

Like other people said though, most posters on this site may not listen to me…they will take it too far and begin to analyze every breadcrumb text and won't be able to let go. To them I would say my advice is not for them. So I will concede my advice is probably best for those who have already done a lot recovery. I also agree with you that in most cases break ups have something to do with falling out of love, but many healthy and stable relationships that last a life time have ups and downs in terms of attraction levels. But they make it work through dedication and patience.

 

I believe most people (especially inexperienced ones) don't work hard enough to keep the love alive. I'm a firm believer that people can fall back in love, but of course they need to want to try. Many would rather take the easy way out. I am not referring to relationships of course that are rife with incompatibility issues/abuse/etc. either. I'm talking about those where people throw in the towel because the going gets tough, and they refuse to get going. They will repeat the pattern until they get that long term relationships aren't romance novels. Mature couples see the love dying out, recognize it, talk about it, and work on it. Love inevitably dies down if its not nurtured. I feel like it's equivalent of a person failing to water a plant, seeing it die out, and then they decide to walk away altogether because they convince themselves the plant was never good to begin with.

 

It's funny, I also have a psychology background and we don't really agree on answering back thing at all, at least when in recovery mode. Not going to expound on it much more than that -- that horse has been beat to death. I just believe that while there's a lot of diversity on the micro level, on the macro level most of the data points run together.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

I just believe that while there's a lot of diversity on the micro level, on the macro level most of the data points run together.

 

Perfectly stated.

[BC1980]

I also agree with you that in most cases break ups have something to do with falling out of love, but many healthy and stable relationships that last a life time have ups and downs in terms of attraction levels. But they make it work through dedication and patience

 

I tend to believe that people stay in long relationships because they get comfortable and don't really have any other options. I also think it's easier financially to be part of a couple, and an awful lot of marriages seem to stick it out for the kids. I think that if a new option presented itself, a lot of people would leave a long term relationship. There is still a social stigma, though diminished, attached to not being married and having kids. I think that can also be a reason that people stay.

 

There are people out there who stick together, and both genuinely want. it. But that seems rare. What do you think?

[Cedar27]

I tend to believe that people stay in long relationships because they get comfortable and don't really have any other options. I also think it's easier financially to be part of a couple, and an awful lot of marriages seem to stick it out for the kids. I think that if a new option presented itself, a lot of people would leave a long term relationship. There is still a social stigma, though diminished, attached to not being married and having kids. I think that can also be a reason that people stay.

 

There are people out there who stick together, and both genuinely want. it. But that seems rare. What do you think?

 

I think the time where the social stigma was still enough of a deterrent to keep people together has been diminished in the last 30-40 years. With first marriages ending in divorce 50% of the time, and 60% of second marriages ending in divorce, I think couples that stick it out may soon become the exception to the rule if they haven't already. Of course this also depends a lot on cultural/geographic variables. When I was in school, I was often one of maybe a handful of kids in a class of 20 who still had parents who were together, but i'm out here in California.

 

I also want to add that sticking it out for the kids is far different from trying to make it work. The former is a compromise for familial stability and the latter is actual work for the relationship. How many couples really do the hard work it takes to keep the love alive? Or do they give up prematurely and agree to simply be civil until the kids are in college? I think most don't do nearly enough. If a new option is presented to them and they run off with the new flame, statistically the next marriage is MORE likely to end in divorce. The argument is that many divorced folks leave their first marriages hastily without doing the hard work necessary to keep the love alive. A new flame is obviously more desirable with the honeymoon period, the butterflies, and the passionate sex. Yet once that dies, there right back to the same old, same old.

 

Of course, i'm making sweeping generalizations here and not every divorce ends because the couple didn't do enough. I just think that giving up is becoming more of a common trend in our society today. I do agree with you that there are plenty marriages where people overstay due to comfortability/kids. What are the ratios between the two? Hard to say. I guess I just am a firm believer in that no relationship is perfect. Some are more perfect than others though, and those especially need to be taken care of and worked on.

 

As for your last statement, as to those who stick it out together who both really want to work on things despite the inevitable setbacks: It does seem rarer, doesn't it? It probably is. Not because I think this scenario isn't possible in the first place, but because one or both parties in a relationship are impatient and have unrealistic expectations. I think it's rare to find two people that are mature enough, dedicated enough, and motivated enough to get through the rocky times together hand in hand. Maybe it's our society's fast food, quick fix approach to life. Instead of pruning and watering their once beautiful garden, one spouse would rather gut the whole thing and get it re-landscaped. They will soon find out that failing to maintain the next garden results in the same outcome, and so they repeat the pattern until a light bulb goes off. Although who knows if that ever happens with some, as third marriages end 75% of the time.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Cedar27

[erklat]

Maybe she needs to go out and experience the world, get knocked down a few times by a-hole men if that's what it takes, and then maybe she'll come back. I'm not holding my breath.

 

Unfortunately you seem like you are.

Otherwise you would take every little piece of her guilt relieving bullshi7 at face value

meaning on the end of every sentence she said just append '... with you' .

 

Whatever she said, is only for you, not for entire male gen pop!

 

 

So I will concede my advice is probably best for those who have already done a lot recovery.

 

Simon, BC1980, me, we all done a lot of healing. And we tell you it doesn't work.

 

For example... Take my breakup log and read only the first post. Can you feel the

distress? I had a rough patch. My life was crumbling around me emotionally and

financially. I had agonizing situation in my family. She met someone else. For about

10 days she was throwing red flags, I knew something is off. The rest is history.

 

Does it sound familiar? Like maybe 99% of the other stories here?

Edited March 5, 2015 by erklat

[Ruby65]

I believe most people (especially inexperienced ones) don't work hard enough to keep the love alive. I'm a firm believer that people can fall back in love, but of course they need to want to try. Many would rather take the easy way out. I am not referring to relationships of course that are rife with incompatibility issues/abuse/etc. either. I'm talking about those where people throw in the towel because the going gets tough, and they refuse to get going. They will repeat the pattern until they get that long term relationships aren't romance novels. Mature couples see the love dying out, recognize it, talk about it, and work on it. Love inevitably dies down if its not nurtured. I feel like it's equivalent of a person failing to water a plant, seeing it die out, and then they decide to walk away altogether because they convince themselves the plant was never good to begin with.

 

Dude, you are preaching to the choir on this site.

 

This site is filled with people who DIDN'T want to give up but were broken up with anyway. Very few dumpers here. The truth is, most dumpers either have someone else they're already interested in, or would simply rather not dwell on what they've done by posting about it.

 

The majority of posters here are just like you -- recently broken up with, not much relationship experience, wanting to believe there's a good chance for reconciliation. Many of them have already tried everything they can think of to do and say to get back together. They're out of ideas and looking for new ones.

 

Like you, many take offense at the concept of No Contact or believe their situation is unique or point a finger at the regular posters here.... it's human nature. No Contact is counter-intuitive. Many will try and use it as a final means of manipulating their ex into wanting them back, instead of as a tool for healing.

 

Yes, in a perfect world, no one would break up and everyone would fight for love.... but in our cases, the goal is to accept that our exes ARE fighting for love,.... they just don't want love with US. They want something/someone else and they have a right to make that choice, painful though it is to those they've left behind. Who's to say it's the wrong choice -- or GIGS -- or immaturity or whatever? It's not what you want, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong choice for her.

[xpaperxcutx]

NC NC NC.

 

I cannot accept the breadcrumbs of my ex and the hurtful things he say to me. I am now on 2nd day of NC after a month of begging and pleading.

 

ALOT OF people on here are right about NC, you either continue contact with an ex and make them completely lose respect for you or you show them through action that you have higher self-worth than accepting their measly little breadcrumbs.

 

I miss my ex but when I think about the way he continues to belittle me and put me down, I don't even want to see him or think of him. I know it's only been two days but i feel alot better than going through those days of feeling down and depressed over him. It counts for something when Im not in the middle of fixing up my life and Im not pining or crying over him because of a text

[ralfgarnett]

Right come on give it me straight cos I need to crack this, we are 8 months down the line and from time to time I am still emailing or texting her, I cant go on like this I need to stop im tempted every day including today, so I need a mugs guide how to go totally NC I need to do this for my pride, health, and sanity so just give it me straight tell me how to do it and how to avoid the drug like addiction for contact,

[dyna85]

Right come on give it me straight cos I need to crack this, we are 8 months down the line and from time to time I am still emailing or texting her, I cant go on like this I need to stop im tempted every day including today, so I need a mugs guide how to go totally NC I need to do this for my pride, health, and sanity so just give it me straight tell me how to do it and how to avoid the drug like addiction for contact,

 

Well Ralf, for starters, what are you gaining from keeping in contact? Does it feel good? It sounds like probably not if you want the guide on NC for the sake of your pride, health, and sanity. It sounds like it may be damaging, this continued contact with your ex.

 

I think the only way to avoid the drug is to avoid the drug. You just have to recognize WHY you are doing this. Like a drug addict needs to recognize the problem to seek help. You need to commit for yourself.

 

No one can make you do it but yourself. It's about figuring out the purpose and the benefit for you.

 

If you've been bit one too many times, at some point enough is enough.

 

Has there been that breaking point for you?

[ralfgarnett]

Well Ralf, for starters, what are you gaining from keeping in contact? Does it feel good? It sounds like probably not if you want the guide on NC for the sake of your pride, health, and sanity. It sounds like it may be damaging, this continued contact with your ex.

 

I think the only way to avoid the drug is to avoid the drug. You just have to recognize WHY you are doing this. Like a drug addict needs to recognize the problem to seek help. You need to commit for yourself.

 

No one can make you do it but yourself. It's about figuring out the purpose and the benefit for you.

 

If you've been bit one too many times, at some point enough is enough.

 

Has there been that breaking point for you?

 

 

I have ben nice and thoughtful and kind romantic and wordy and the bitch keeps ignoring me, so yes maybe I am reaching that breaking point but I have moments of weakness and that's what im trying to avoid and kick the habit of, we would be together 20 years in May and the ingonrant bitch doesn't give me the time of day so she can eff off no more mr nice guy I don't care any more and need to look after me, she can go and scroo herself

[Simon Phoenix]

Right come on give it me straight cos I need to crack this, we are 8 months down the line and from time to time I am still emailing or texting her, I cant go on like this I need to stop im tempted every day including today, so I need a mugs guide how to go totally NC I need to do this for my pride, health, and sanity so just give it me straight tell me how to do it and how to avoid the drug like addiction for contact,

 

Honestly, you just have to do it. Block her e-mail, block her phone number. But it's about you using self-control. All you are doing with your current approach is treading water in Heartbreak Lake. It's just dumb quite frankly. You're an adult, it's time to be an adult and practice self-control. Stop chasing someone who has shown no interest in being chased. You're better than that.

 

It's not up to her to keep talking to you. She broke up with you and wants to move on. She's not a bitch for not responding to you; you're acting like a bitch (no offense meant) for continuing to chase this person. Sending her romantic, wordy texts and e-mails is completely inappropriate. It's time to take the hint and fall back completely.

 

No more treading water. It's time to swim for the shore. If you keep treading water, you're going to sink. She's not sending a lifeboat after you.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Honestly, you just have to do it. Block her e-mail, block her phone number. But it's about you using self-control. All you are doing with your current approach is treading water in Heartbreak Lake. It's just dumb quite frankly. You're an adult, it's time to be an adult and practice self-control. Stop chasing someone who has shown no interest in being chased. You're better than that.

 

It's not up to her to keep talking to you. She broke up with you and wants to move on. She's not a bitch for not responding to you; you're acting like a bitch (no offense meant) for continuing to chase this person. Sending her romantic, wordy texts and e-mails is completely inappropriate. It's time to take the hint and fall back completely.

 

No more treading water. It's time to swim for the shore. If you keep treading water, you're going to sink. She's not sending a lifeboat after you.

 

 

^as real as it gets.

[dvx]

Stop begging and pleading immediately and stay out of contact.

 

Does the time of begging and pleading have any impact on the outcome? I mean if i begged for a whole week immediately after the breakup, and then completely disappear, does that lower my chances of getting her back?

 

If i begged for a whole month after the breakup does that lower the chances? at what point do i know that i've pushed her so far away that no NC in this world will help?

 

And to @LifeGoesOnMan

when you wrote this thread, did you just write to fool the dumpee to stay in NC even though u don't really think that she will ever come back? Or have you experienced it by yourself that she infact did come back after your NC? If so how long NC did you do?

 

Does the time of the relationship matter? Lets say if you were together 5 years vs 5 months, does the longer relationship have bigger chance to make up?

 

And to add her words when i begged was "you're just making it worse" how can i make it worse when she is gone? Was that a hint of her that she would come back some day? The next day i did beg, she said "you are scaring me, stop it" and "no matter what you do, or say will make me change my mind, there is not even a 1% chance" since that day I'm completely in NC. How are the chances?

Edited April 3, 2015 by dvx

[Simon Phoenix]

Does the time of begging and pleading have any impact on the outcome? I mean if i begged for a whole week immediately after the breakup, and then completely disappear, does that lower my chances of getting her back?

 

If i begged for a whole month after the breakup does that lower the chances? at what point do i know that i've pushed her so far away that no NC in this world will help?

 

And to @LifeGoesOnMan

when you wrote this thread, did you just write to fool the dumpee to stay in NC even though u don't really think that she will ever come back? Or have you experienced it by yourself that she infact did come back after your NC? If so how long NC did you do?

 

Does the time of the relationship matter? Lets say if you were together 5 years vs 5 months, does the longer relationship have bigger chance to make up?

 

The more you beg and plead, the less likely he or she will come back because all begging and pleading does is annoy the piss out of them. As for the rest of it, No Contact can make them eventually re-think their decision, but that's not the point of it. Most of the time once it's done it's done. And length of relationship/time in No Contact/how the relationship was broken doesn't matter. It's up to the dumper alone WITHOUT THE DUMPEE'S INTERFERENCE to realize that they made a mistake and want the dumpee back. I know you are looking for rays of hope or tips to manipulate your ex, but you aren't going to get any.

 

What No Contact does is it gets your head straight over time and gets you to recover and it might get the dumper to actually feel the loss of not having you in their life. It's a win-win for the dumpee -- either they recover and move forward in their life or, if they do it correctly, they are put in position where they can decide with a clear head what to do if the dumper comes sniffing back around.

[dvx]

The more you beg and plead, the less likely he or she will come back because all begging and pleading does is annoy the piss out of them. As for the rest of it, No Contact can make them eventually re-think their decision, but that's not the point of it. Most of the time once it's done it's done. And length of relationship/time in No Contact/how the relationship was broken doesn't matter. It's up to the dumper alone WITHOUT THE DUMPEE'S INTERFERENCE to realize that they made a mistake and want the dumpee back. I know you are looking for rays of hope or tips to manipulate your ex, but you aren't going to get any.

 

What No Contact does is it gets your head straight over time and gets you to recover and it might get the dumper to actually feel the loss of not having you in their life. It's a win-win for the dumpee -- either they recover and move forward in their life or, if they do it correctly, they are put in position where they can decide with a clear head what to do if the dumper comes sniffing back around.

But you didn't answer my specific questions, you answered the general answer which i know. I was thinking about staying in complete NC for 2 months, after that I'm sending a huge explanation and closure letter.

[Simon Phoenix]

But you didn't answer my specific questions, you answered the general answer which i know. I was thinking about staying in complete NC for 2 months, after that I'm sending a huge explanation and closure letter.

 

Awful, awful, awful idea as far as the closure letter (letters are bad) and staying NC for a set amount of time (you stay NC for as long as it takes you to be recovered). As for your specific questions, there are no answers. There's no playbook as far as who will want to reconcile and who won't. It's up to the dumper. The only thing the dumpee can do is hurt their cause, they can't help it.

 

But I want to reiterate, the letter idea is terrible.

[Jimmyjackson]

But you didn't answer my specific questions, you answered the general answer which i know. I was thinking about staying in complete NC for 2 months, after that I'm sending a huge explanation and closure letter.

 

That's because your specific questions apply to the general rule of thumb. Many people come here thinking their situations are "unique", when in fact they're actually not.

[OneBigIdgit]

Sit back and read where she said you scared her.

 

If you two had a clean break with no follow up contact from you,

then maybe she might feel like talking to you in 5 months

or so. It's going to take a long time for her to forget the

messages after the break. I'd say give her about 3 yrs

[ralfgarnett]

I have ben nice and thoughtful and kind romantic and wordy and the bitch keeps ignoring me, so yes maybe I am reaching that breaking point but I have moments of weakness and that's what im trying to avoid and kick the habit of, we would be together 20 years in May and the ingonrant bitch doesn't give me the time of day so she can eff off no more mr nice guy I don't care any more and need to look after me, she can go and scroo herself

 

Well not sure if I have cracked this or not but I have made total NC now for 4 weeks and 10 months down the line that is the longest I have managed, I have no plans to make C although I fully admit to missing her, but I would do because we would of been together for 20 years next month but I am sticking to NC, not angling for compliments but am I doing well having never done 4 weeks before I honestly don't know if im doing ok or not.

[NopeNah]

Well not sure if I have cracked this or not but I have made total NC now for 4 weeks and 10 months down the line that is the longest I have managed, I have no plans to make C although I fully admit to missing her, but I would do because we would of been together for 20 years next month but I am sticking to NC, not angling for compliments but am I doing well having never done 4 weeks before I honestly don't know if im doing ok or not.

 

Good for you! Get on with living/doing you,my man!

[Simon Phoenix]

Well not sure if I have cracked this or not but I have made total NC now for 4 weeks and 10 months down the line that is the longest I have managed, I have no plans to make C although I fully admit to missing her, but I would do because we would of been together for 20 years next month but I am sticking to NC, not angling for compliments but am I doing well having never done 4 weeks before I honestly don't know if im doing ok or not.

 

If you aren't writing stupid, romantic things to a woman who dumped you like you were before, I'd say that's progress. Keep it up and don't backslide. You'll make it eventually -- just keep walking the path and stop taking detours.

[KBarletta]

Well not sure if I have cracked this or not but I have made total NC now for 4 weeks and 10 months down the line that is the longest I have managed, I have no plans to make C although I fully admit to missing her, but I would do because we would of been together for 20 years next month but I am sticking to NC, not angling for compliments but am I doing well having never done 4 weeks before I honestly don't know if im doing ok or not.

 

Good to hear ralf. You have tried the "being nice" route and it's only prolonged your heartache. I am glad to hear you are moving forward. It will not be easy, but you will eventually do better. Good luck!

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks gents, still doing a few daft things at times such as looking at old photos reading love letters that kind of thing, but not often just now and again it gets the better of me, 19 years was a long time to be with someone and we were very happy, I think she started to go awol maybe only a month or so at the very most before leaving in July, I still have most of her stuff here so there was no pre-planning of any note, I know eventually we will have to talk about this with a view to her picking up her gear but I have drawn up a plan for that where I get what I want out of it all and I am going to be totally non-compliant in helping her I refuse to play any part whatsoever in the dismantling of any aspect of our marriage, this is all her doing she can carry the can alone I want nothing to do with it.