If you want them back.

[jphcbpa]

So this guide only works for the dumper, and the dumpee has no shot?

 

perhaps I am misunderstanding you, but the guide is for the dumpee

[newenglandkid]

Seems like it works for dumpee, wouldn't make much sense for the dumper to do NC. If the dumper had second thoughts, THEY should be the one to initiate first contact since they caused this.

 

I'm two days NC, and everyday it's a struggle. Just saw my ex at the gym, didn't even make eye contact with her. Trying to stay strong, and hopefully she initiates first contact towards reconciliation.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I read the opening post. It makes sense.

 

However, if both parties read the opening post (or otherwise subscribe to that post-breakup plan), then neither will contact the other, and the two won't get back together.

 

I think with the advent of the internet and dissemination of dating advice, it is safe to say that anyone with a computer knows the "no contact" rule.

 

So if both parties play it, and stick to it, neither is going to get back together.

 

 

I understand the point, but just sayin...

 

 

 

 

this guide is for the dumpee..

 

 

and if a dumper that wants to reconcile reads it, I hope to god they reach out to the dumpee with nothing less than:

 

 

"I made a huge mistake and I want you back".

[NC-Thomas]

LifeGoesOnMan --> thanks for sharing this with us. It gives me some hope of healing faster.

 

Small question, I have been in NC for a short period (2,5 weeks). Then we met again, turned out she still wasn't ready for a RS. So yea, I got fooled, I got backburned like hell, like burger that had been on the BBQ for too long. I should have waited, as the desperate needy chump I am.

 

What does going back into NC after failing to maintain NC tell you about reconciling-chances?

[jphcbpa]

. I should have waited, as the desperate needy chump I am.

 

What does going back into NC after failing to maintain NC tell you about reconciling-chances?

 

don't beat yourself up, start NC NOW.

 

Get to the point where you don't care about reconciling and then worry about "chances". Take this time out for you. Learn, grown, accept, let go. FOCUS all your energy (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) on you and your life.

[NC-Thomas]

don't beat yourself up, start NC NOW.

 

Get to the point where you don't care about reconciling and then worry about "chances". Take this time out for you. Learn, grown, accept, let go. FOCUS all your energy (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional) on you and your life.

 

Thanks for reminding me, im beginning to understand that NC is not for US, but for ME.

 

If you would still have your stuff at her place, like some sweaters and pillow, what would you do? Get it right now - or - when you stopped caring ? (started & told her i would do NC ( about 8 hours ago...))

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Thanks for reminding me, im beginning to understand that NC is not for US, but for ME.

 

If you would still have your stuff at her place, like some sweaters and pillow, what would you do? Get it right now - or - when you stopped caring ? (started & told her i would do NC ( about 8 hours ago...))

 

 

 

leave it all, its hers now, don't go back at all.

 

 

trust me on that, do not go back and get your sweaters and pillow.. lol theyre hers now.

 

 

consolation prize haha

[NC-Thomas]

leave it all, its hers now, don't go back at all.

 

 

trust me on that, do not go back and get your sweaters and pillow.. lol theyre hers now.

 

 

consolation prize haha

 

haha thats a good one, I already got a friend to pick it up for me. Im not going to give her my favorite pillow, she ain't work that !

[erklat]

Bump for the newly brokenhearted. ☺

[feelingtorn]

Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/482197-i-cannot-make-up-my-mind

 

 

He def. has not said I WANT YOU BACK. All he has said is I just want to see you.

 

This is breadcrumb, and I should continue to ignore, right? I also love the part when you said, everything was there, but the innocence was gone. I can totally imagine it.

[PhillyConnection23]

Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/482197-i-cannot-make-up-my-mind

 

 

He def. has not said I WANT YOU BACK. All he has said is I just want to see you.

 

This is breadcrumb, and I should continue to ignore, right? I also love the part when you said, everything was there, but the innocence was gone. I can totally imagine it.

 

The only place your ex is going to read that in order for him to get you back is to say "I want you back, it was a huge mistake" is here or another online forum.

 

If your ex really wants to be with you, he is just as scared as you are about what you will say and do.

[BC1980]

Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/482197-i-cannot-make-up-my-mind

 

 

He def. has not said I WANT YOU BACK. All he has said is I just want to see you.

 

This is breadcrumb, and I should continue to ignore, right? I also love the part when you said, everything was there, but the innocence was gone. I can totally imagine it.

 

I didn't read the link, but, if he only said he wants to see you, that is a breadcrumb. That certainly wouldn't be good enough to get me to do anything. I would ignore the crumb or, at the very least, ask why he wants to see you. When pushed for a reason, most people will admit it's simple curiosity to see an ex. It's also got a lot to do with ego. It's rarely anything genuine regarding reconciliation.

[learning_slowly]

Yes. Reply with "I'm really busy lately. Is it important, if so, let me know why you want to meet and I can try and postpone a date or something".

 

When you don't want them will be the time when they may want you and not before. So fake it for now. But don't expect there to be a reconciliation and prepare yourself for the worst.

 

Depending on your support network you will be over them largely within 4 - 6months, and you can meet someone new. So make sure you really want contact first.

[Simon Phoenix]

The only place your ex is going to read that in order for him to get you back is to say "I want you back, it was a huge mistake" is here or another online forum.

 

If your ex really wants to be with you, he is just as scared as you are about what you will say and do.

 

This is not true at all. He might be scared, but if he really wants it, he'll take the leap. This happens quite a bit in reconciliations -- pretty much every successful reconciliation I know of in real life had this happen. Heck, read the jbelle thread on this very forum.

[BC1980]

This is not true at all. He might be scared, but if he really wants it, he'll take the leap. This happens quite a bit in reconciliations -- pretty much every successful reconciliation I know of in real life had this happen. Heck, read the jbelle thread on this very forum.

 

Agreed. I certainly wouldn't engage in any back and forth with a person who dumped me. The risk would be too great. If the person is serious about getting you back, he/she will make it known without any games.

[feelingtorn]

Well, I was the one who dumped him, but I really did not have any choice. After I caught him sexting with another woman, I could not stay with him. When we came back from our trip, he said he wanted to give us another try, but quickly changed his mind claiming I was not the one.

[Allosdiver]

Call me insane, but for purposes of getting them back it sounds counterproductive to ignore them if they come around to contact you.

I mean, it's a pretty big step over their pride to make contact if they're stubborn and you initiated NC, and it might just be that they're giving up when they think you want nothing to do with them. If they're desperate enough to make that step, you can probably already go as far as to ask them for a half-date/half-friends something like going to a movie or smt to 'catch up'

 

Might just be me though, I don't have experience with it, but from a psychological viewpoint it seems so.

(And I obviously don't mean the ego-boost hunting breadcrumps, I mean stuff that implied hope of reconciliation. stuff like randomly posted lovesongs or a 'i miss you')

Edited June 30, 2014 by Allosdiver

[Simon Phoenix]

Call me insane, but for purposes of getting them back it sounds counterproductive to ignore them if they come around to contact you.

I mean, it's a pretty big step over their pride to make contact if they're stubborn and you initiated NC, and it might just be that they're giving up when they think you want nothing to do with them. If they're desperate enough to make that step, you can probably already go as far as to ask them for a half-date/half-friends something like going to a movie or smt to 'catch up'

 

Might just be me though, I don't have experience with it, but from a psychological viewpoint it seems so.

(And I obviously don't mean the ego-boost hunting breadcrumps, I mean stuff that implied hope of reconciliation. stuff like randomly posted lovesongs or a 'i miss you')

 

"I miss you" and randomly-posted love songs are just as breadcrumby. The latter is passive-agressive as all hell, the former sounds great on the surface but doesn't necessarily mean anything in the reconciliation process at all. Almost every dumper misses their dumpee at some point, but "I miss you" usually means they miss your friendly companionship, not that they want to get back together. If they want to get back together, they'll go a lot further than saying "I miss you".

 

I wouldn't call you insane, just naive. a) any conscientious dumper realizes that it's going to be hard for the dumpee to put out the welcome mat and that they have to do work and b) any dumper that would give up that easily clearly isn't that passionate or driven to reconcile in the first place.

 

My sister was broken up with several years ago by a man who pretty quickly realized he screwed up. But he was doing the breadcrumb thing at first. But since she didn't trust him and she was hurt, she told him to pound sand, ignored further contact and spent a year without being in contact with him except in rare situations when they were hanging out with mutual friends (probably happened two times in a year). She used this time to settle herself, evolve, all that stuff. At a year he came back and put all of his cards on the table, saying that he screwed up, he changed, and he would do whatever necessary to have her back in his life. She finally heard him out due to a) time and b) the fact that he came back over the top and put himself on the line. They're now married.

 

A dumper wasn't concerned about wrecking the dumpee's world enough when they broke up with them, so that same dumper shouldn't be hesitant to put themselves out there if they choose to come back. If they are hesitant, then how serious can they possibly be?

[sugarlove]

I agree. Being a dumpee is hard, we move on way slower than the dumper but once we do move on, it'll need to take the same amount of effort from the dumper to win us back. If a simple I miss you or some sappy love songs indicate his interest, not good enough for me. Especially when I did more than that to try to reconcile, humiliating myself to the point I've lost my dignity and self-respect.

 

It's not about revenge as much as it sounds like it. But the dumper has to show he wants me back just as much as I wanted him back initially. Making it easy for him is devaluing my worth after I tried so hard to regain my self-worth back.

[BC1980]

Call me insane, but for purposes of getting them back it sounds counterproductive to ignore them if they come around to contact you.

I mean, it's a pretty big step over their pride to make contact if they're stubborn and you initiated NC, and it might just be that they're giving up when they think you want nothing to do with them. If they're desperate enough to make that step, you can probably already go as far as to ask them for a half-date/half-friends something like going to a movie or smt to 'catch up'

 

Might just be me though, I don't have experience with it, but from a psychological viewpoint it seems so.

(And I obviously don't mean the ego-boost hunting breadcrumps, I mean stuff that implied hope of reconciliation. stuff like randomly posted lovesongs or a 'i miss you')

 

I think it would be the opposite from a psychological point of view. I do think that the prospect of truly losing someone forever will flush out your true intentions. My ex was one of those types that always acted hesitant, confused, needed more time, ect. He was always unsure of himself, and I know he was unsure of the relationship at times. The problem was that I was always sure, and I made it well known that I would have done anything for him. He was never pressed into a decision for that reason. He knew I would be there no matter how much he hesitated. Obviously, that says something about me too, but my point is that he was never faced with actually losing me. Hence, he never knew his true intentions while in the relationship. Or, he simply did know his intentions but ignored them.

 

Same thing when we broke up. He was sending lots of breadcrumbs, anything from "I miss you" to "maybe it could work in the future." Stuff that really gives the dumpee false hope. I've been NC for 6 months, and he's contacted me once in a passive way. I ignored it. If I were to ever give him any consideration of reconciliation, he would have to basically show up at my house and tell me straight away that he messed up and would do whatever he needs to get me back. Now, I don't think he will do that, and I'm under no illusion of it. I'm saying that I would never entertain any type of friendly dinner just to "see where it goes." I don't think that would be wise for someone dumped. I've seen one too many stories on LS.

[Allosdiver]

BC, you're probably more than right really.. I'm just a bit confused in my specifics, because I'm planning on trying my best at getting a second chance. See, I made it go all wreckage, she got tired and dumped me eventually.

It seems to me that I'm going to have to convince her, since I've (literally) been another person for a while during the relationship, and that wasn't under her influence.

Waiting it out, to me, simply is no option - she will not contact me for that purpose unless she's going to be single at 40 and desperate for children, I bet, and even that's extremely slim chance-wise. I'll need to show her the real me, to win her back - that's basicly why I find this guide a bit.. counterproductive to my own situation. (unless moving on is the purpose I want, and I've had one too many regret in my yet short life)

[BC1980]

BC, you're probably more than right really.. I'm just a bit confused in my specifics, because I'm planning on trying my best at getting a second chance. See, I made it go all wreckage, she got tired and dumped me eventually.

It seems to me that I'm going to have to convince her, since I've (literally) been another person for a while during the relationship, and that wasn't under her influence.

Waiting it out, to me, simply is no option - she will not contact me for that purpose unless she's going to be single at 40 and desperate for children, I bet, and even that's extremely slim chance-wise. I'll need to show her the real me, to win her back - that's basicly why I find this guide a bit.. counterproductive to my own situation. (unless moving on is the purpose I want, and I've had one too many regret in my yet short life)

 

I think one thing you aren't factoring in is that the dumper doesn't care about the new you after they dump you. They aren't interested in how you have grown and changed. I can promise they aren't concerned with it anymore. If the dumper cared, they would be in contact. To the dumper, it's going to be seen as too little too late in most cases. In their minds, they gave you chances during the relationship whether you were aware or not.

[Simon Phoenix]

BC, you're probably more than right really.. I'm just a bit confused in my specifics, because I'm planning on trying my best at getting a second chance. See, I made it go all wreckage, she got tired and dumped me eventually.

It seems to me that I'm going to have to convince her, since I've (literally) been another person for a while during the relationship, and that wasn't under her influence.

Waiting it out, to me, simply is no option - she will not contact me for that purpose unless she's going to be single at 40 and desperate for children, I bet, and even that's extremely slim chance-wise. I'll need to show her the real me, to win her back - that's basicly why I find this guide a bit.. counterproductive to my own situation. (unless moving on is the purpose I want, and I've had one too many regret in my yet short life)

 

Dude, you can't manipulate or connive someone into loving you, and even if you could, would you really honestly want to?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think one thing you aren't factoring in is that the dumper doesn't care about the new you after they dump you. They aren't interested in how you have grown and changed. I can promise they aren't concerned with it anymore. If the dumper cared, they would be in contact. To the dumper, it's going to be seen as too little too late in most cases. In their minds, they gave you chances during the relationship whether you were aware or not.

 

Yep, if they really care, they'll seek out that info on their own. Jumping up and down saying "look at me, I changed!" isn't going to do much and in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, isn't going to look genuine.

[BC1980]

Yep, if they really care, they'll seek out that info on their own. Jumping up and down saying "look at me, I changed!" isn't going to do much and in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, isn't going to look genuine.

 

Exactly. The dumper has to come to the decision for a second chance on their own terms. They would have to be in a completely different place than the breakup. If they made the decision to dump you, it wasn't done lightly, so they are not in the frame of mind to care about a second chance at that point. There's really nothing you can do except move on, and, if they come back, you can reevaluate.