If you want them back.

[sugarlove]

Sorry. just want to add because today I'm faltering in my NC

 

I don't think my ex broke up with me after thinking it through.. because he basically was taken by surprise by something I did which was hurting him. It was a facebook thing which was stupid of me.

 

He kept calling me the whole day but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk. So he wanted space. I gave him 2 days of space, drove to his place and that's when he said it's over. So really, it took him 2 days to decide he wanted to end this. 2 days... to throw away all our plans with our new home, my kids and everything. His excuse.. he felt he was walking on eggshells after 1 argument we had. ONE. We only argued ONCE prior to this.

 

He said I broke his heart and dumped me. So I'm at the point whereby I'm wondering if I'm the one who dumped him first... because that will determine if I should try harder?

 

it's been 3 months, and he hasn't said a word. :(

[Allosdiver]

Exactly. The dumper has to come to the decision for a second chance on their own terms. They would have to be in a completely different place than the breakup. If they made the decision to dump you, it wasn't done lightly, so they are not in the frame of mind to care about a second chance at that point. There's really nothing you can do except move on, and, if they come back, you can reevaluate.

 

I feel like I should put down an apology.

I was in a kinda weird state of mind, but I think I'm better now.

 

You're all right, if you'd concede to the dumper to get them back, you'd only put yourself in a position of inequality whatever happens - even if it gets them back, it's doomed because of inequality, and you're telling your ex they can just walk over you.

 

As to my own situation, I got to thank you guys. Despite me not agreeing when you said it, you saved me from doing some very, very stupid things.

I now see what you meant and why it holds true.

I shouldn't even WANT my ex back if I have to throw away my own dignity for it. If there's to be any reconciliation, it should only be on fair terms and without one party suffering more than the other.

 

Thanks for getting that through my head before I threw away all the shreds of self-respect I'd left, and I am sorry for doubting your words because of my mental state. Cheers!

[emotionalMess]

So I broke the rules and I don't really care.

I broke contact a few times over 5 months and said goodbye more than once.

The last time 2 months ago was to give into her friend-zone request in 3 messages

which she ignored then blocked me. I put the final nail in the coffin by sending a last

message from an unblocked account noting how hurt she made me by ignoring and other things she has done since

the breakup. I wrote this because I never expressed the full impact to her.

 

I did this, knowing that my last impression on her was going to appear desperate and even worse, I laid a guilt trip on her.

 

My last message to her and it is relevant to this thread was: I have read all the advice and that this would

push you further away but I don't care. I wrote: I want someone who wants me for who I am and in the end, I have to

preserve my self-respect. This is a sad way to end things.

 

 

So basically I communicated to her that I was aware of what her reaction would be but I didn't care anymore since I

realized that she was not the one for me. I had given up at that point and it was more important for me let her know

how surprised I was that she ignored me and how she was not even close to the person I thought she was.

 

Down the road, she will look back and think, wow, that guy really did care about me.

 

It doesn't matter anymore and I am full NC. There is absolutely no way for her to contact me unless she stalks me

or calls me from another number - which will never happen.

Edited July 3, 2014 by emotionalMess

[OlfactoryCone]

yup, but you're kidding yourself if you don't think your going to want them back the second they contact you.

 

 

it's more of an illusion you have to pull off, appearing as if they have "lost you" if you really want them back, by sticking to no contact and making them work for it, to show you how invested they are.

 

otherwise you have to go into it, really wanting to "move on".

 

Boldface above is the absolute best advice I've heard. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 yrs. About 30 min ago, I replied friendly-like to a polite forward by her reminding me to check in on my flight this afternoon. I should have just said "thanks" and nothing more in the email. Alas, I wrote a bit more, not much, but slightly mushy, but definitely I am in the "friend-zone". Total fail on my part because now I feel worse. So, in a pathetic Google search of advice, I found this forum thread just now. I think it will save my life.

 

You see, the sexiest thing about a person is that they have their own life and interests... something a potential mate may want to be a part of. So if we are committed to moving on and pursuing that life we want, we gain self respect and confidence. And since we'd be out in the world, we greatly increase the chances of meeting someone new, maybe even better than the ex. Think about that for a minute....

 

We all change over time. Over 4 years, my ex and I mostly grew together, but a couple of key things tore us up. By moving on, I am now re-establishing what I want in a relationship with my values today, not those from back when I started dating her. This means that moving on is by far the best thing that can be done! It's a whole new lease on life! And that's where the above advice is truly genius. If you remain committed to moving on, you will enhance your life, and the door remains open for someone amazing to join you.... in the new life you have grown to love on your own. But you really have to go for it. For me, I'm hitting the gym hard and it feels great (looking great too!!). I'm traveling. Seeing old friends. Visiting family more often. Doing more company outings. Going hiking. Trying out boxing. Going to take a dance class (yup! it's a lady killer!) Gonna go skydiving. Everything that had a chance of being neglected due to relationship timing... I will go do. It's time to get out there. Out in the world. Don't sit here on this forum. Go do it. LIVE! MOVE ON!

 

The way I see it, my next love will either be someone new and fantastic that fits well into my new, fun life. Or my ex, who sees in me that person she fell in love with, except now fully upgraded to Version 2.0 - which is what the goal for me is. A new, better life!

 

Look, I truly ****ed up with my ex. I definitely did. But I have absolutely learned my lesson. There is no doubt that if she comes back, I KNOW I will be the most amazing man she's ever dreamed of, and validate everything she ever saw in me. If it's someone else, well that woman will enjoy the benefits of an amazing guy who has experience and learned his lesson the hard way, and now knows how to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved. Both scenarios are very comforting. But both require that I love my own life first. And to do that, I must be committed to wanting to move on. Just like the quote above says.

 

OK, I just realized that all of the above is me talking to myself, because the past month has been absolutely brutal. But I am doing much better now after having written this. I appreciate anyone who has read my novel here. I hope it inspires you, and let's keep up the support for one another. I'm with you guys if you are with me.

 

Thanks all. Now I'm going to go pack for my flight today to visit friends across the country! Upgrade to Version 2.0 in progress!!!!!!!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

So I broke the rules and I don't really care.

I broke contact a few times over 5 months and said goodbye more than once.

The last time 2 months ago was to give into her friend-zone request in 3 messages

which she ignored then blocked me. I put the final nail in the coffin by sending a last

message from an unblocked account noting how hurt she made me by ignoring and other things she has done since

the breakup. I wrote this because I never expressed the full impact to her.

 

I did this, knowing that my last impression on her was going to appear desperate and even worse, I laid a guilt trip on her.

 

My last message to her and it is relevant to this thread was: I have read all the advice and that this would

push you further away but I don't care. I wrote: I want someone who wants me for who I am and in the end, I have to

preserve my self-respect. This is a sad way to end things.

 

 

So basically I communicated to her that I was aware of what her reaction would be but I didn't care anymore since I

realized that she was not the one for me. I had given up at that point and it was more important for me let her know

how surprised I was that she ignored me and how she was not even close to the person I thought she was.

 

Down the road, she will look back and think, wow, that guy really did care about me.

 

It doesn't matter anymore and I am full NC. There is absolutely no way for her to contact me unless she stalks me

or calls me from another number - which will never happen.

 

Walk tall my friend, & keep walking, head high! Its hurt, I know and nothing anyone can say will make it easier but believe me, life goes on.

[JimmyWeezy]

Hello. Sorry for being kind of OT, but on a desperate google search, I found this amazing forum and thread and I really just need to share my story and get impressions/point of views from you guys who seem to be great people who have fine through a lot. I've read all the posts on this thread and it really helped, but I'd like to share. Dumpee from July 2nd.... After 2 years.

[miranda_wilson]

I'm female and most of my exes have come back at some point. All of my serious relationships (3) have come back, and most of my moderately serious relationships have come back. I don't know how it is for men, but I think for women, the chances of your ex coming back are high.

 

It just won't necessarily be "right away" or "while you want it."

 

That said, I've found that leaving them alone is what does the trick. There are some "get your ex back" advice articles out there that say that after 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days, you can contact them and they might be receptive. But in my experience, you can't contact them at all, no matter how many days have passed. The only way for them to come back on terms that give you any "power" at all is for them to be the one to reach out. It doesn't matter if you stayed away for 90 days and feel like "Okay because I stayed away for 90 days, they won't see me as desperate."

 

I think they will.

 

The only way they don't see you as desperate is if they are the ones who contact you. I suppose there could be an exception to this. If you waited a whole year to say hello to them, they might truly see it as a purely friendly attempt on your part. But anything from time of breakup to 6 months, I think they will see it as suspicious and you still being "after them" (no matter how "purely friendly" you are.)

 

Anyway, as I said, all of my serious exes have come back. It's so predictable that I feel 100% confident that any future serious boyfriend I have that I have a breakup with...will come back.

 

I don't think you have to be 100% over them, nor do they have to perceive you as 100% over them, to be receptive to you. I think they simply have to see you as independent and able to live your life without actively clinging.

 

There was a time almost four years ago where I dated a guy for only a month and a half. After we broke up, I clung to him for about 3 weeks. But then I let go and went NC. After five months, I was kinda into a different person but still a bit into him too, but because he perceived me as "safe," he wanted to see me again.

 

I've had other boyfriends come back as well while they still mattered to me (i.e. I still had feelings). But the point is....I'd demonstrated emotional independence...want vs. need. So...everyone on here who is saying the only way they will come back is if you don't care anymore...well, I agree with that...I just don't think it has to be 100%. I think you have to be in a much better place than an emotional mess, but you don't have to be 100% indifferent to them.

Edited July 8, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[JimmyWeezy]

I'm female and most of my exes have come back at some point. All of my serious relationships (3) have come back, and most of my moderately serious relationships have come back. I don't know how it is for men, but I think for women, the chances of your ex coming back are high.

 

It just won't necessarily be "right away" or "while you want it."

 

That said, I've found that leaving them alone is what does the trick. There are some "get your ex back" advice articles out there that say that after 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days, you can contact them and they might be receptive. But in my experience, you can't contact them at all, no matter how many days have passed. The only way for them to come back on terms that give you any "power" at all is for them to be the one to reach out. It doesn't matter if you stayed away for 90 days and feel like "Okay because I stayed away for 90 days, they won't see me as desperate."

 

I think they will.

 

The only way they don't see you as desperate is if they are the ones who contact you. I suppose there could be an exception to this. If you waited a whole year to say hello to them, they might truly see it as a purely friendly attempt on your part. But anything from time of breakup to 6 months, I think they will see it as suspicious and you still being "after them" (no matter how "purely friendly" you are.)

 

Anyway, as I said, all of my serious exes have come back. It's so predictable that I feel 100% confident that any future serious boyfriend I have that I have a breakup with...will come back.

 

I don't think you have to be 100% over them, nor do they have to perceive you as 100% over them, to be receptive to you. I think they simply have to see you as independent and able to live your life without actively clinging.

 

There was a time almost four years ago where I dated a guy for only a month and a half. After we broke up, I clung to him for about 3 weeks. But then I let go and went NC. After five months, I was kinda into a different person but still a bit into him too, but because he perceived me as "safe," he wanted to see me again.

 

I've had other boyfriends come back as well while they still mattered to me (i.e. I still had feelings). But the point is....I'd demonstrated emotional independence...want vs. need. So...everyone on here who is saying the only way they will come back is if you don't care anymore...well, I agree with that...I just don't think it has to be 100%. I think you have to be in a much better place than an emotional mess, but you don't have to be 100% indifferent to them.

Have they all come back to get back together? I am wondering because my ex's last words were "I want to be independent, do my thing. The relationship felt suffocating and argument after argument my feelings for you became weaker to the point where I started seeing you as a friend. I'm sorry. You've been the most important person of my life and I will always love you (as friend). I know it's gonna be tough, I know I will regret it, but this is the best move for us as we were not happy and couldn't fix and move forward. I don't wanna lose you, I don't want you to disappear."

 

He's 21 and inexperienced, I think he MIGHT be back once the summer ends and he experienced his freedom and gigs. And we couldn't fix anything just because he didn't care enough, at this point. Do I have any hopes?

[miranda_wilson]

Have they all come back to get back together? I am wondering because my ex's last words were "I want to be independent, do my thing. The relationship felt suffocating and argument after argument my feelings for you became weaker to the point where I started seeing you as a friend. I'm sorry. You've been the most important person of my life and I will always love you (as friend). I know it's gonna be tough, I know I will regret it, but this is the best move for us as we were not happy and couldn't fix and move forward. I don't wanna lose you, I don't want you to disappear."

 

He's 21 and inexperienced, I think he MIGHT be back once the summer ends and he experienced his freedom and gigs. And we couldn't fix anything just because he didn't care enough, at this point. Do I have any hopes?

 

Yeah, they came back for a serious relationship in the case of the serious relationship exes I had.

 

In your case, as I said above, I think you just need to disappear, demonstrate independence and autonomy. I've had exes come back even though they left with a negative feeling about me/us. They've come back even if I begged and cried at first -- or just begged with no crying -- or just "hung on" (without begging or crying.)

 

As long as you go away, whatever desperate behaviors you showed at first, can get outweighed by the image of the normal you that re-emerges as you live your life and are happy. This doesn't have to mean you're involved with someone else. Just that you are free of being an emotional mess and are no longer clinging to them.

 

I find in general that men regret breakups more often than women do. I think this has much to do with male psychology when it comes to love. Distance, mystery, and fantasy are a big part of the "in love" feeling for men, whereas women thrive more on actual togetherness.

 

So basically, one should never be afraid that distance from a guy will make him forget you. I had a guy come back to me recently after 2.5 years who told me he thought about me a lot in that time period, and we'd had NO CONTACT the whole time. I don't necessarily think he was thinking about me constantly (he was probably just saying that in order to make me feel good. But he certainly didn't forget me. He remembered details of our dates that I was shocked that he would recall.

[BC1980]

Yeah, they came back for a serious relationship in the case of the serious relationship exes I had.

 

In your case, as I said above, I think you just need to disappear, demonstrate independence and autonomy. I've had exes come back even though they left with a negative feeling about me/us. They've come back even if I begged and cried at first -- or just begged with no crying -- or just "hung on" (without begging or crying.)

 

As long as you go away, whatever desperate behaviors you showed at first, can get outweighed by the image of the normal you that re-emerges as you live your life and are happy. This doesn't have to mean you're involved with someone else. Just that you are free of being an emotional mess and are no longer clinging to them.

 

I find in general that men regret breakups more often than women do. I think this has much to do with male psychology when it comes to love. Distance, mystery, and fantasy are a big part of the "in love" feeling for men, whereas women thrive more on actual togetherness.

 

So basically, one should never be afraid that distance from a guy will make him forget you. I had a guy come back to me recently after 2.5 years who told me he thought about me a lot in that time period, and we'd had NO CONTACT the whole time. I don't necessarily think he was thinking about me constantly (he was probably just saying that in order to make me feel good. But he certainly didn't forget me. He remembered details of our dates that I was shocked that he would recall.

 

I agree with you here. I recently had an ex from 10 years ago contact me on FB. He was looking for a FWB relationship because he is married. Of course, I wanted no part of it, but I was amazed that he even thought of me. We parted on terrible terms. I think it was a case of him idealizing me because we aren't married. Like you said, the mystery.

[JimmyWeezy]

Yeah, they came back for a serious relationship in the case of the serious relationship exes I had.

 

In your case, as I said above, I think you just need to disappear, demonstrate independence and autonomy. I've had exes come back even though they left with a negative feeling about me/us. They've come back even if I begged and cried at first -- or just begged with no crying -- or just "hung on" (without begging or crying.)

 

As long as you go away, whatever desperate behaviors you showed at first, can get outweighed by the image of the normal you that re-emerges as you live your life and are happy. This doesn't have to mean you're involved with someone else. Just that you are free of being an emotional mess and are no longer clinging to them.

 

I find in general that men regret breakups more often than women do. I think this has much to do with male psychology when it comes to love. Distance, mystery, and fantasy are a big part of the "in love" feeling for men, whereas women thrive more on actual togetherness.

 

So basically, one should never be afraid that distance from a guy will make him forget you. I had a guy come back to me recently after 2.5 years who told me he thought about me a lot in that time period, and we'd had NO CONTACT the whole time. I don't necessarily think he was thinking about me constantly (he was probably just saying that in order to make me feel good. But he certainly didn't forget me. He remembered details of our dates that I was shocked that he would recall.

thanks Miranda!

[love1336x]

My first boyfriend after our break up. Never ever came back to me. We are still on NC after five years.

 

other boyfriends, I dated this one man for two months, NC for a month. He was calling and texting me, but by then I was already moving on. Our break up was pretty awful & messy, but he still came back.

 

Another serious relationship I waited one whole month I broke NC. He seem like he wanting to come back, but i was too strong and reveal how i felt and he ran away. Time to time he contacts me but, it's all friendly.

 

My recent break up I am day 8 on NC. I was begging & clingy. I sorta have made it my mission for everyone at work included his friends to know I am dating somebody else. (I made sure to tell the big mouths at my job, never directly told them)

 

I want to make it seem I am all happy without him which is true because I am, but there are dark days when I want to text him... and simply tell him how much I care & love him still.

[shoegal4]

It really does take NC for you to realize how bad it was because you don't know any better after awhile. You get so used to the dysfunctional dynamic.

 

Reading stuff like this makes my day. Thank you . It's so easy to get used to that and it almost starts to feel normal. And that's scary to think of now.

[what2du]

Married 8 years, together a total of 13. We have a 8 year old son. She is the love of my life. I screwed up when we first split. Two to three months begging and pleading. Sent her flowers on a couple of occasions with no response. I am dealing fine, I have been dealing fine, I go out when I don't have my son. Have had a couple of really short little flings. I just wasn't ready to get serious cause I want my wife back. Any help would be great. I can answer any questions given.

[Stronger14]

While I respect what you are saying here and appreciate you sharing your personal stories, I would caution anyone reading not to be getting false hope from your post. Yes, there are some cases that exes come back, but most of the time they don't. Yes, it is good to become independent and return to being happy, and no contact is truly essential to the healing process.

 

But don't confuse this - independence, happiness, and no contact is a guaranteed combination for your ex to come back. Maybe it's different, and guys are more likely to come back than girls. But for me, it's been 6 months of nc, return to happiness and independence, and she (my ex) has yet to look back.

 

Anyway, great post Miranda. To those reading, please don't get caught up in the words and get any false hope.

 

Happy healing

 

 

Yeah, they came back for a serious relationship in the case of the serious relationship exes I had.

 

In your case, as I said above, I think you just need to disappear, demonstrate independence and autonomy. I've had exes come back even though they left with a negative feeling about me/us. They've come back even if I begged and cried at first -- or just begged with no crying -- or just "hung on" (without begging or crying.)

 

As long as you go away, whatever desperate behaviors you showed at first, can get outweighed by the image of the normal you that re-emerges as you live your life and are happy. This doesn't have to mean you're involved with someone else. Just that you are free of being an emotional mess and are no longer clinging to them.

 

I find in general that men regret breakups more often than women do. I think this has much to do with male psychology when it comes to love. Distance, mystery, and fantasy are a big part of the "in love" feeling for men, whereas women thrive more on actual togetherness.

 

So basically, one should never be afraid that distance from a guy will make him forget you. I had a guy come back to me recently after 2.5 years who told me he thought about me a lot in that time period, and we'd had NO CONTACT the whole time. I don't necessarily think he was thinking about me constantly (he was probably just saying that in order to make me feel good. But he certainly didn't forget me. He remembered details of our dates that I was shocked that he would recall.

[music_and_poetry]

I'm female and most of my exes have come back at some point. All of my serious relationships (3) have come back, and most of my moderately serious relationships have come back. I don't know how it is for men, but I think for women, the chances of your ex coming back are high.

 

It just won't necessarily be "right away" or "while you want it."

 

That said, I've found that leaving them alone is what does the trick. There are some "get your ex back" advice articles out there that say that after 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days, you can contact them and they might be receptive. But in my experience, you can't contact them at all, no matter how many days have passed. The only way for them to come back on terms that give you any "power" at all is for them to be the one to reach out. It doesn't matter if you stayed away for 90 days and feel like "Okay because I stayed away for 90 days, they won't see me as desperate."

 

I think they will.

 

The only way they don't see you as desperate is if they are the ones who contact you. I suppose there could be an exception to this. If you waited a whole year to say hello to them, they might truly see it as a purely friendly attempt on your part. But anything from time of breakup to 6 months, I think they will see it as suspicious and you still being "after them" (no matter how "purely friendly" you are.)

 

Anyway, as I said, all of my serious exes have come back. It's so predictable that I feel 100% confident that any future serious boyfriend I have that I have a breakup with...will come back.

 

I don't think you have to be 100% over them, nor do they have to perceive you as 100% over them, to be receptive to you. I think they simply have to see you as independent and able to live your life without actively clinging.

 

There was a time almost four years ago where I dated a guy for only a month and a half. After we broke up, I clung to him for about 3 weeks. But then I let go and went NC. After five months, I was kinda into a different person but still a bit into him too, but because he perceived me as "safe," he wanted to see me again.

 

I've had other boyfriends come back as well while they still mattered to me (i.e. I still had feelings). But the point is....I'd demonstrated emotional independence...want vs. need. So...everyone on here who is saying the only way they will come back is if you don't care anymore...well, I agree with that...I just don't think it has to be 100%. I think you have to be in a much better place than an emotional mess, but you don't have to be 100% indifferent to them.

 

@miranda_wilson, you mentioned in your post that you had a guy you dated for a month and a half come back after five months. My question for you is how serious were you guys? Were you in a relationship or just dating casually?

 

I ask because in my situation I was dating a guy exclusively for 3 months. We weren't bf/gf but I think he ended things because I asked how he felt about how things were going and he gave me a "I don't think where we are in life a serious relationship would be the best thing.

 

Made no sense. I didn't cry or beg but I did tell him off. I told him it was ****ed up to string me along for three months while he figured himself out and that I lost some of my respect for him because of it. He fed some bs excuse saying he thought we agreed to take things slow and figure out what we wanted. I was having none of it and told him that he needed to remember that I gave him a chance, included him in my life, and made sacrifices for him. I said all I wanted was some reciprocation and I didn't think that was much to ask and while I didn't know what his deal was it really wasn't my problem but I knew I could be treated better than the way he was treating me. Sent that message and got no response.

 

I've been in NC for almost 3 weeks and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a better, less desperate place. Only one breadcrumb when he liked a Facebook status I posted a few days after we ended things. I'm going on with my life and I joined POF and started talking with new guys and realizing there are more fish in the sea (literally! lol). While I'm feeling much better, I still do miss him and wonder if there's a chance he'll pull his head out of his ass and realize he missed out on a good person and come back. What do you think? Is there still a chance?

[sugarlove]

I"m feeling heaps better today. Has some moments of clarity and has stop myself from idealising/ romanticising the situation.

 

I did falter back and forth. Broke contact after 16 days NC to write him a letter of forgiveness. I do feel better knowing I forgave him and will be very cautious about going back to him now, especially what I found out about him.

 

I do still believe things happen for a reason and that someone up there is looking out for me. The guys that left me are obviously wrong for me and I am wrong for them. It's no use wishing they'll be back because if it didn't work out the first round, why waste your time in the second round and risk getting your heart broken again? Some posters have been here, pouring their hearts out for months, years and if their exes come back, it'll make me sad that they will be willing to risk going through that again.

 

No matter how much you love this person, I think love must be given to the right one. And that is yourself. If you love yourself first, before anyone else, you will see more clearly that it's not worth wanting them back. Love yourself enough to believe you deserve better, will get better and will live better.

 

[miranda_wilson]

@miranda_wilson, you mentioned in your post that you had a guy you dated for a month and a half come back after five months. My question for you is how serious were you guys? Were you in a relationship or just dating casually?

 

I ask because in my situation I was dating a guy exclusively for 3 months. We weren't bf/gf but I think he ended things because I asked how he felt about how things were going and he gave me a "I don't think where we are in life a serious relationship would be the best thing.

 

Made no sense. I didn't cry or beg but I did tell him off. I told him it was ****ed up to string me along for three months while he figured himself out and that I lost some of my respect for him because of it. He fed some bs excuse saying he thought we agreed to take things slow and figure out what we wanted. I was having none of it and told him that he needed to remember that I gave him a chance, included him in my life, and made sacrifices for him. I said all I wanted was some reciprocation and I didn't think that was much to ask and while I didn't know what his deal was it really wasn't my problem but I knew I could be treated better than the way he was treating me. Sent that message and got no response.

 

I've been in NC for almost 3 weeks and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a better, less desperate place. Only one breadcrumb when he liked a Facebook status I posted a few days after we ended things. I'm going on with my life and I joined POF and started talking with new guys and realizing there are more fish in the sea (literally! lol). While I'm feeling much better, I still do miss him and wonder if there's a chance he'll pull his head out of his ass and realize he missed out on a good person and come back. What do you think? Is there still a chance?

 

To answer your first question, that guy who came back after 1.5 months of us dating --- no, it wasn't a serious relationship. Yet there was an official "breakup." So basically, the whole time we were dating/having sex, there was no talk of us being in a relationship (in actuality, he was my guitar teacher, but we saw each other 2-3 times a week, either in the lesson or on an actual date...well, outing. Sometimes at my place, sometimes at his. We were clearly dating/involved, though, because we had sex all the while. (Just so you don't think this was some affair-of-the-mind I was "imagining") Anyway, one day, during our guitar lesson, he was acting kind of distant. So I questioned him. I said, "What's wrong? Do you think we should not do this?" And he knew what I meant by "this." He contemplated for about 5-10 minutes, and finally said he didn't think we should continue. The guitar lessons, yes, the sleeping together and seeing each other, no.

 

So basically, I didn't put up a fight. But I "clung" for about 3 weeks in the sense that I continued the guitar lessons even though I knew it was a bit hard for me to see him at the lessons but no longer have his romantic and sexual interest.

 

AFter that three weeks, I told him I had a new guitar teacher. Then I went NC for five months. At the five month mark, he texted me and wanted to see me. At that point, though, I was interested in someone else.

 

It sounds like yours was a more serious relationship than mine. Three months is twice as long as 1.5 months, and it just sounds in general like you had more of a relationship.

 

To answer your question: I always think there's a chance. BUT I think you made a mistake in "telling him off." I think women should NEVER tell men off if you want him back, even if he did do something wrong. Don't give them the satisfaction of your anger. And don't think that "anger" is better than showing you're sad. I think it's worse, because it further reinforces to them that it was a good idea to break up with you. Being "pathetic" or "begging" does that as well, but I don't think it's as bad as anger. The ideal way to leave the guy after he breaks up with you is to kill him with kindness. I mean, to an extent that's appropriate.

 

For instance, instead of telling him off, you should have said, "Well, I really think you could have communicated with me more what was going on inside of you this whole time. It might have helped our situation. But I understand and respect your wish. It's a shame because I think it could have worked out between us, but it's your choice. Take care."

 

I just think going out classy gives you the best chance of getting him back. Even then, it's no guarantee, but it's your best chance.

 

In my breakups, I've never done the "telling off" thing. I haven't always gone out 100% classy either though. I think I have gone out classy, but I've also gone out trying to debate with them about a few things (whatever little sore points the guy and I had), and that's not as bad as the "telling off," but it's still annoying to the guy.

 

I think with your guy, you might have a chance, but the fact that you told him off just means more for him to have to get out of his system in terms of his image of you. He has to see you as completely free and clear of emotions about him.

 

Every time guys have come back to me, it's when I was "normal" again and they didn't feel any residual emotions from me related to them.

 

The best way to handle men who break up w/ you is to be as classy as you can. That said, forgive yourself for anything you did in the first few days or week or whenever things were still blowing up. Then get as classy as you can about things and leave him alone.

 

In your case, given what you said occurred, I would estimate it would take at least five to six months of no contact before things could be fresh between you two again. That said, DON'T COUNT ON IT. people keep telling me not to give others false hope. so i'll try not to. it could be that my exes have come back at a higher rate than most because while i haven't been perfect in the way i depart from them (like I said, a little bit of clinging has always occurred, and so has some "debating" with them)...but i've kept it pretty classy in general, devoid of "telling off" or saying "i hate you" or "you led me on." PLUS, in the past, I've always been relatively quick to try to get a new person, which makes it quicker for me to be "free" of the old person, which makes them feel safe to come back. So...who knows.

 

Just try to forget the guy. But if part of what makes you feel confident and able to forget him is to feel that he'll "probably" come back at some point, there's nothing wrong with making that assumption. If you're wrong, you're wrong. But feeling smug that it will happen at some point can be a confidence booster when you need it (now) too. Still...enjoy your life. Do things that are fun for you. Doesn't have to be dating others right away. But whatever else makes you happy. Good food, good friends, good movies, good road trips, whatever.

Edited July 12, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[music_and_poetry]

To answer your first question, that guy who came back after 1.5 months of us dating --- no, it wasn't a serious relationship. Yet there was an official "breakup." So basically, the whole time we were dating/having sex, there was no talk of us being in a relationship (in actuality, he was my guitar teacher, but we saw each other 2-3 times a week, either in the lesson or on an actual date...well, outing. Sometimes at my place, sometimes at his. We were clearly dating/involved, though, because we had sex all the while. (Just so you don't think this was some affair-of-the-mind I was "imagining") Anyway, one day, during our guitar lesson, he was acting kind of distant. So I questioned him. I said, "What's wrong? Do you think we should not do this?" And he knew what I meant by "this." He contemplated for about 5-10 minutes, and finally said he didn't think we should continue. The guitar lessons, yes, the sleeping together and seeing each other, no.

 

So basically, I didn't put up a fight. But I "clung" for about 3 weeks in the sense that I continued the guitar lessons even though I knew it was a bit hard for me to see him at the lessons but no longer have his romantic and sexual interest.

 

AFter that three weeks, I told him I had a new guitar teacher. Then I went NC for five months. At the five month mark, he texted me and wanted to see me. At that point, though, I was interested in someone else.

 

It sounds like yours was a more serious relationship than mine. Three months is twice as long as 1.5 months, and it just sounds in general like you had more of a relationship.

 

To answer your question: I always think there's a chance. BUT I think you made a mistake in "telling him off." I think women should NEVER tell men off if you want him back, even if he did do something wrong. Don't give them the satisfaction of your anger. And don't think that "anger" is better than showing you're sad. I think it's worse, because it further reinforces to them that it was a good idea to break up with you. Being "pathetic" or "begging" does that as well, but I don't think it's as bad as anger. The ideal way to leave the guy after he breaks up with you is to kill him with kindness. I mean, to an extent that's appropriate.

 

For instance, instead of telling him off, you should have said, "Well, I really think you could have communicated with me more what was going on inside of you this whole time. It might have helped our situation. But I understand and respect your wish. It's a shame because I think it could have worked out between us, but it's your choice. Take care."

 

I just think going out classy gives you the best chance of getting him back. Even then, it's no guarantee, but it's your best chance.

 

In my breakups, I've never done the "telling off" thing. I haven't always gone out 100% classy either though. I think I have gone out classy, but I've also gone out trying to debate with them about a few things (whatever little sore points the guy and I had), and that's not as bad as the "telling off," but it's still annoying to the guy.

 

I think with your guy, you might have a chance, but the fact that you told him off just means more for him to have to get out of his system in terms of his image of you. He has to see you as completely free and clear of emotions about him.

 

Every time guys have come back to me, it's when I was "normal" again and they didn't feel any residual emotions from me related to them.

 

The best way to handle men who break up w/ you is to be as classy as you can. That said, forgive yourself for anything you did in the first few days or week or whenever things were still blowing up. Then get as classy as you can about things and leave him alone.

 

In your case, given what you said occurred, I would estimate it would take at least five to six months of no contact before things could be fresh between you two again. That said, DON'T COUNT ON IT. people keep telling me not to give others false hope. so i'll try not to. it could be that my exes have come back at a higher rate than most because while i haven't been perfect in the way i depart from them (like I said, a little bit of clinging has always occurred, and so has some "debating" with them)...but i've kept it pretty classy in general, devoid of "telling off" or saying "i hate you" or "you led me on." PLUS, in the past, I've always been relatively quick to try to get a new person, which makes it quicker for me to be "free" of the old person, which makes them feel safe to come back. So...who knows.

 

Just try to forget the guy. But if part of what makes you feel confident and able to forget him is to feel that he'll "probably" come back at some point, there's nothing wrong with making that assumption. If you're wrong, you're wrong. But feeling smug that it will happen at some point can be a confidence booster when you need it (now) too. Still...enjoy your life. Do things that are fun for you. Doesn't have to be dating others right away. But whatever else makes you happy. Good food, good friends, good movies, good road trips, whatever.

 

It's funny how the guy you're talking about was your guitar teacher. I'm a music teacher and I could never date one of my private students. I just wouldn't ever go there lol.

 

Anyways, it's weird even though I realize telling him off may have been a mistake I think I was more assertive than anything. The tone of what I wrote wasn't insulting or demanding. The reason I honestly went this route is because I tend to be a person who does let things roll off my shoulders and then I get stepped on trampled, and regret not speaking my mind more. In this case I didn't want to be the girl who felt led on and let him off the hook without saying a word. I actually waited several hours until I was able to think out my response carefully with a level head.

 

Was I angry? Yes. Am I still angry? Yup. Did I insult him or beg? No. I didn't expect to change his mind but I did want him to have a snapshot of what the repercussions of his actions were. Maybe it pushed him away further. I don't know. I was very agreeable, sweet, patient the whole time we were seeing each other so I see how what I wrote may have surprised him but I don't think I said anything out of line. Each time I re-read my message to him the words still resonate with me because I thought them out so carefully.

 

So many times in the past I've been the girl that just sighs and says "ok" to everything and dies inside. I guess I just wanted to be heard for once even if it wasn't the best decision. I still do hope there's a chance he will come back. I've kept everything totally NC since then and going on with my life. I am even meeting new guys and trying to join a local rock band. Five months from now I'll probably be moved on to be honest but we'll see what happens between now and then. I do think he's a good, confused guy which is why I hope he comes around and gives us a real shot but in the meantime I am moving forward because there's no point in waiting for someone that may or may not want to be with me.

[JimmyWeezy]

Quick survey:

 

Do dumpers usually act rude, angry, mad or even victim in front of the world once they dump?

And why is that?

Because my ex dumped me a week ago and yesterday on our anniversary he typed "Never Ever us" as status on facebook. I wish I wasn't told but a mutual friend who didn't know about the breakup messaged me asking if everything was ok, I said no and he justified his question by telling me about it.

[music_and_poetry]

Quick survey:

 

Do dumpers usually act rude, angry, mad or even victim in front of the world once they dump?

And why is that?

Because my ex dumped me a week ago and yesterday on our anniversary he typed "Never Ever us" as status on facebook. I wish I wasn't told but a mutual friend who didn't know about the breakup messaged me asking if everything was ok, I said no and he justified his question by telling me about it.

 

Ugh it sounds like this guy is going to be like my high school ex bf. He was the dumper and I gave him the cold shoulder on day one. He got really hateful and rude and it really showed a dark side of who he was. Not one I had seen before. This might get ugly and there's nothing you can do but try to ignore it and DO NOT react. He is looking for a response from you. By not validating him, he doesn't get what he wants and looks stupid to the outside perceiving world. Don't give into petty crap like this. Be the bigger person and don't you dare let him or anyone else know it hurts. Pretend losing him was the best thing that ever happened to you. The guy I'm mentioning above came around 4 years later with a true, sincere apology to which point I was already moved on and not looking back. It may be the same for you but please trust me when I say, don't let him or anyone else see you sweat over this.

[miranda_wilson]

It's funny how the guy you're talking about was your guitar teacher. I'm a music teacher and I could never date one of my private students. I just wouldn't ever go there lol.

 

Just as an aside, he wasn't an *actual* guitar teacher -- as in, not a professional/official one. He was just a guy I knew who'd been playing for 6 years (at the time) and knew a lot more than me. We just arranged for him to give me some lessons -- they were free of charge -- (I paid him with sex, haha). Point is...I'm sure if he was a professional guitar teacher, he wouldn't do that.

 

And I do know what you mean about having the desire to not go out too quietly, to speak your mind.

[music_and_poetry]

Just as an aside, he wasn't an *actual* guitar teacher -- as in, not a professional/official one. He was just a guy I knew who'd been playing for 6 years (at the time) and knew a lot more than me. We just arranged for him to give me some lessons -- they were free of charge -- (I paid him with sex, haha). Point is...I'm sure if he was a professional guitar teacher, he wouldn't do that.

 

And I do know what you mean about having the desire to not go out too quietly, to speak your mind.

 

Good to know! For me it's my career, I take it pretty seriously although I don't teach guitar lol.

 

Yeah idk I just wanted to be heard when though I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear and it wouldn't change the situation. If I had sat on that anger and not said a word, I think I'd be in a worse place right now for bottling everything up which I have a tendency to do.

[Allosdiver]

Quick survey:

 

Do dumpers usually act rude, angry, mad or even victim in front of the world once they dump?

And why is that?

Because my ex dumped me a week ago and yesterday on our anniversary he typed "Never Ever us" as status on facebook. I wish I wasn't told but a mutual friend who didn't know about the breakup messaged me asking if everything was ok, I said no and he justified his question by telling me about it.

 

My ex (at the very moment she decided to dump me) went cold, distant, and even more disrespectful than she already was, choosing to shoot me down on every single opportunity and making me feel worth less than the general ikea closet.

This is normal, and not even fully the dumper's mistake. It's their mind's way of dealing with it. Just like dumpees almost always get desperate and/or spiteful at points during the breakup.

By becoming such a cold person, they push us away that one step that forces us to show the worst of us, making their decision more or less final (assuming the dumpee doesn't change clearly) and helping them cope ('I'm worth more'-syndrome).

 

Don't worry about it and just follow this guide. Become the best you you can be, show that you to the world, and perhaps, gods/spirits/chance/whatever-you-believe-in be willing, a second chance comes along if it should be.

[Summerrose2013]

I always think this is one of the worst things about a break up, how the person you thought you knew and loved, you trusted above all others, may have even thought was your soul mate, suddenly morphs into this alien who doesn't give a crap about you and your feelings or broken heart.

 

The coldness from my ex is the one thing that helps me keep my pride and stay away from him. If he could do that to me once, he could do it again and the trust is completely gone, I would not ever want to be in a RS with him again. Granted, it took me a few months to get here, but here I am and here I am staying. So many more nice guys out there who will treat me well. He tried to be friends but I have plenty of friends, thanks, and they are there for me when I need them, not kicking me into the gutter like a cast off pair of old shoes they loved in the shop yesterday but found today suddenly doesn't fit in with their life!!