If you want them back.

[Xemyd]

Your 100% correct and to be honest I think I knew it was a bad idea when I was typing it. I just think I want to hear stuff that isn't true and just want someone to tell me that she will be back and just tell me what I want to hear. This will be the death of me and is exactly what will prevent me from moving on from this for good. I'm really not helping myself am I !!

 

Like you and many others have said, she knows where to find me if she does change her mind and want to give this another go. Me nor anyone else can change the way she feels or what she's thinking right now and I've got to accept this.

 

 

This is pretty much everyone after a break up, we all want to hear "they'll come back" but that only leads to an even longer drawn out healing process. It took me close to a year to really 100% believe that if he wanted to come back, he'd figure it out, nothing I do will change it. You just gotta wait it out, and if she ever comes back, deal with it then, if she doesn't come back, in time eventually you won't care. Focus on you.

[Kyle7]

This is pretty much everyone after a break up, we all want to hear "they'll come back" but that only leads to an even longer drawn out healing process. It took me close to a year to really 100% believe that if he wanted to come back, he'd figure it out, nothing I do will change it. You just gotta wait it out, and if she ever comes back, deal with it then, if she doesn't come back, in time eventually you won't care. Focus on you.

 

Understand what your saying and I will take that on board as it's the only way I am going to get through this and heal.

 

Few things playing on my mind still though, the fact that we've both said "never say never" and "we don't know what the future holds for us". She also said to my mum the other day that in 6 months or whatever things might change and we could give it a go. I do know I can't go by that and I do need to get that out of my head because again I will only prolong my pain in getting through this but it's things like that that just make me feel that if I sit this out and during this time make myself a stronger, better person and that the time will come where she will come back.

 

I am going to try and prepare myself for that to not happen though and keep telling myself it's over for good and she won't ever come back.

[Xemyd]

Understand what your saying and I will take that on board as it's the only way I am going to get through this and heal.

 

Few things playing on my mind still though, the fact that we've both said "never say never" and "we don't know what the future holds for us". She also said to my mum the other day that in 6 months or whatever things might change and we could give it a go. I do know I can't go by that and I do need to get that out of my head because again I will only prolong my pain in getting through this but it's things like that that just make me feel that if I sit this out and during this time make myself a stronger, better person and that the time will come where she will come back.

 

I am going to try and prepare myself for that to not happen though and keep telling myself it's over for good and she won't ever come back.

 

Please don't let yourself get hung up on her words. My ex, while breaking up with me said he'd rather end it now on good terms "just in case" and those 3 words screwed me up beyond belief. I latched onto those three words and really thought we'd be back together after a few months and it really delayed my healing. To be honest, even now, over a year post-BU I still find myself thinking of those words and I can still see the look on his face when he said it, they're the last thing I have to let go of.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Understand what your saying and I will take that on board as it's the only way I am going to get through this and heal.

 

Few things playing on my mind still though, the fact that we've both said "never say never" and "we don't know what the future holds for us". She also said to my mum the other day that in 6 months or whatever things might change and we could give it a go. I do know I can't go by that and I do need to get that out of my head because again I will only prolong my pain in getting through this but it's things like that that just make me feel that if I sit this out and during this time make myself a stronger, better person and that the time will come where she will come back.

 

I am going to try and prepare myself for that to not happen though and keep telling myself it's over for good and she won't ever come back.

 

 

 

 

hey pal, look, like ive said numerous times before in this thread and in others, if its meant to be, it will be.

 

 

the worst thing you can do is dwell on it, it only hurts you and lessens your chances of ever reconciling.

 

 

ive been where you have been, ive felt the hopelessness and despair, I made all the mistakes, and yet my ex came back over & over, but only when I cut all contact and enjoyed life without her.

 

 

nothing is set in stone my friend and life goes on either way.

[Mark-e-Mark]

So i went no contact to get my head and heart straightened out. BU was 4 months ago, i was completely strung along for months. I was NC for 3 weeks, during this time she would try and talk or just send a text that was completely pointless (asking for info on things she can google)... i just ignored these attempts, not to be a dick... But to just get out of the web of dishonestly and mixed signals.

 

 

On the 3rd week of NC, i was picking up our daughter to go to dinner, my ex was trying very hard to get me to talk with her, I was very distant and once my daughter was in the car, i just left. When I returned she had her apartment door open and came out... She asked me to come in to talk with her, was asking for only 5 minutes, I told her i would rather not, she came running over to my car, opened my door and wouldnt let me leave. I eventually got her away from my car so i could leave... She said we need to be friends, i told her i am not her friend right now. Then she yelled out (as i was pulling away) "have fun being alone!" Then i got an email and a vmail asking why we cant talk.

 

I explained that she has strung me along, and was irrational, immature and selfish... So talking with her was impossible and that i needed to distance my emotions...

 

I should not have replied, because I immediately got 2 phone calls from her (let go to vmail) where she literally tried to blame everything on me, even how she "Wanted" to go to counseling BUT, I was doing things to control her (this is BS)... and some other things... I deleted the message before the end... I didnt want to relapse into a game.

 

Am I doing NC wrong? What is with this woman's behavior? Was this her trying to talk about working things out? If it was.... it was a really ignorant way of doing so.

[Kyle7]

hey pal, look, like ive said numerous times before in this thread and in others, if its meant to be, it will be.

 

 

the worst thing you can do is dwell on it, it only hurts you and lessens your chances of ever reconciling.

 

 

ive been where you have been, ive felt the hopelessness and despair, I made all the mistakes, and yet my ex came back over & over, but only when I cut all contact and enjoyed life without her.

 

 

nothing is set in stone my friend and life goes on either way.

 

100% correct mate if it's meant to be it will be. I can't be dwelling on anything anymore, what's happened has happened she's made her decision and nothing I do or say can change that. Been 12 days no contact now and heard nothing yet but still early days, long road ahead but I will get through this either way.

 

I will say that she's been round my house twice now in the past week whilst I've been at work. Last week to see my mum and have a chat with her and again today she came round to see my families puppy that we got the weekend just gone. Don't understand why she's been round twice, she was the one who made the decision to end it so surley all ties get cut and she shouldn't be coming round even if it if just to chat with my mum or just to see the dog.

[Simon Phoenix]

So i went no contact to get my head and heart straightened out. BU was 4 months ago, i was completely strung along for months. I was NC for 3 weeks, during this time she would try and talk or just send a text that was completely pointless (asking for info on things she can google)... i just ignored these attempts, not to be a dick... But to just get out of the web of dishonestly and mixed signals.

 

 

On the 3rd week of NC, i was picking up our daughter to go to dinner, my ex was trying very hard to get me to talk with her, I was very distant and once my daughter was in the car, i just left. When I returned she had her apartment door open and came out... She asked me to come in to talk with her, was asking for only 5 minutes, I told her i would rather not, she came running over to my car, opened my door and wouldnt let me leave. I eventually got her away from my car so i could leave... She said we need to be friends, i told her i am not her friend right now. Then she yelled out (as i was pulling away) "have fun being alone!" Then i got an email and a vmail asking why we cant talk.

 

I explained that she has strung me along, and was irrational, immature and selfish... So talking with her was impossible and that i needed to distance my emotions...

 

I should not have replied, because I immediately got 2 phone calls from her (let go to vmail) where she literally tried to blame everything on me, even how she "Wanted" to go to counseling BUT, I was doing things to control her (this is BS)... and some other things... I deleted the message before the end... I didnt want to relapse into a game.

 

Am I doing NC wrong? What is with this woman's behavior? Was this her trying to talk about working things out? If it was.... it was a really ignorant way of doing so.

 

No, she doesn't want to work things out. She wants to make sure that you are "OK" with her so she doesn't feel bad about what happened. Since you have a child, you can't go strict NC, but you shouldn't talk to her about anything besides the care and well-being of your kid.

[Simon Phoenix]

100% correct mate if it's meant to be it will be. I can't be dwelling on anything anymore, what's happened has happened she's made her decision and nothing I do or say can change that. Been 12 days no contact now and heard nothing yet but still early days, long road ahead but I will get through this either way.

 

I will say that she's been round my house twice now in the past week whilst I've been at work. Last week to see my mum and have a chat with her and again today she came round to see my families puppy that we got the weekend just gone. Don't understand why she's been round twice, she was the one who made the decision to end it so surley all ties get cut and she shouldn't be coming round even if it if just to chat with my mum or just to see the dog.

 

Honestly, I would tell your mom not to let her just stop by and chat. That's weird and inappropriate.

[Kyle7]

Honestly, I would tell your mom not to let her just stop by and chat. That's weird and inappropriate.

Why is she doing it is what I want to know !!!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

Why is she doing it is what I want to know !!!!!

 

Stop yelling. And who knows, maybe she doesn't want to seem like the "bad guy". Either way, if she's talking to them and not to you, it doesn't really matter.

[Yasuandio]

Ok, we have another WTF situation, that I am ignoring. But of course it yanks my chain, somewhat. Not bad enough to get all out of whack and paranoid like I used to.

 

Here it is. We both have American Express cards, accounts now separated, of course. I remain at the "Gold Card" level, whilst still on-line, he progressed to "Platinum." Fine. I called Amex and asked them to remove this from my screen so I don't have to look at - that HE discontinued me from the business card (BTW that I arranged for us, as I'd been a member of Amex some 15 years prior). So effed it, get it off my screen, good.

 

somehowhow, I also learned that his personal checking account was linked to our original joint accout, where it was stipulated that would be for my use only because of my personal checks deposited and drafts set up - for the time being. Don OF gun, somehow, I learned, AFTER THE DIVORCE, that his checking account was linked to that joint account, that I had really pretty much weiner off of, other that one check that I was transferring into a new account in my name only. Then I put 2+2 together.

 

Once in a while, something might be mentioned about me - an example early on in the divorce by his attorney "tell you client she needs to stop buying dresses." I did not understand how the heck that guy knew I bought some dresses. That always puzzled me. Well, my former husband linked to that account to watch my purchases, debits, etc. It was only a year ago I figured that out. But it works 2 ways, and that is not good for me, the banker closed the account for me, and we got the check deposits straightened out.

 

That provides some background.

 

We already know the funny business with the mortgage company, and the FACTS that he was receiving informative statements that I should have recrived, causing a meltdown a few months ago. He also likely used the information in my mortga gf e statements to bolster a Contempt of Court threat to me, thru his attorney, but was mistaken, as he did not have all the pieces of information (taxes paid by contract, and a tax check paid out by accident from mortgage company was immediately returned to them by tax office). It was just confusion - stimulated by the fact that my tax payment plan went past the 1st is the year, causing the mortgage companies computers to generate a check to pay tax as if I was delinquent (which I was not). Fine.

 

Here is another bizarre thing that happened about 5 months ago. I received a heavy envelope from AmEx. Obviously, there was a credit card inside. Believing it was likely a new replacement card, as I am due one soon, I just ripped open the envelope, and there was a Gold Card just like mine. I was about to exchange it with my old card and phone it in, when I noticed, the Gold Card was for X. That didn't make.

 

I read further and learned this was a special card for air travel, as well as purchases, with an unlimited limit. There was also a separate mailing that contained the pin number, that I ripped open too.

 

I immediately called AmEx and explained my mistake in opening this mail believing it was my mail. And I notified them that X has not lived at this address for 6 years. Etc., Etc. I returned all the materials to sender, but got my suit ions on record.

 

I cannot believe that AmEx just sends a loaded unlimited card and pin to the wrong address, to a Custer met that already has an established account with them. But ok, maybe computer made mistake. I certainly got it corrected.

 

NEXT.

 

This week, 5 months later, I have received a statement in the mail from AmEx addressed to X at my address. I did not open, because I know I do not receive statements, as I am paperless on my account. I don't get fooled this time, as the envelope clearly states on the outside "Statement Enclosed."

 

Why do these things happen?

 

I do not feel like calling AmEx about this BS anymore.

 

I did write a letter, and then trashed it. I'm like, WTF am I wasting time clarified this crap, when something weird is going on here?

 

Isn't something weird going on here?

 

5 months ago, problem was solved over the phone thru an extensive call.

 

Now, a statement. WTF, please advise. I've done zero. Yas

[Kyle7]

Stop yelling. And who knows, maybe she doesn't want to seem like the "bad guy". Either way, if she's talking to them and not to you, it doesn't really matter.

Sorry didn't mean to come across as shouting, just don't know why she's coming round, she made the decision. Surley when it's over everything is over.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry didn't mean to come across as shouting, just don't know why she's coming round, she made the decision. Surley when it's over everything is over.

 

Trying to figure out what another person is thinking is one of the biggest wastes of time on this planet.

[Kyle7]

Trying to figure out what another person is thinking is one of the biggest wastes of time on this planet.

 

Hey I know mate, just I was starting to feel a bit better then after mum said yesterday she had come round just made me start thinking again that if she's doing this is she struggling to let go sort of thing... Mum said she wasent herself at all when she was round. Been wanting to text her so much today but know I can't, 2 weeks no contact today and I know that's not long enough to even attempt to try and get anywhere with this

[ralfgarnett]

Right ok I get the 180 no contact thing but I kind of get the impression that it only applies to younger people that have the opportunity to get out there pubbing clubbing bird pulling etc, but what about me I did all that up to meeting me now wife when I was thirty, but I am 49 now and things aren't as easy to do 19 years ago, we seprated 3 months ago and it hurts like hell, but do you honestly expect my wife to believe that a 49 year old bloke who loves his home comforts is really out there giving it everything ?, no way and I wouldn't believe it of her, the reason is that all our friends that we would of done that with 20 years ago are also settled down with kids, as I said I really think the 180 is for a younger age group than me, but that's just my opinion I would be interested to hear all views about it.

[ralfgarnett]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

 

 

I think your correct, not everyone is the same and some people might need more coaxing than others, for example my wife is a quiet sort of girl and if I went totally no contact with my wife she might enjoy the peace so much I might never hear from her again, as I have said previously I get the concept of NC but not sure how effective it is for evryone.

[Bluesandy]

I think your correct, not everyone is the same and some people might need more coaxing than others, for example my wife is a quiet sort of girl and if I went totally no contact with my wife she might enjoy the peace so much I might never hear from her again, as I have said previously I get the concept of NC but not sure how effective it is for evryone.

 

Ralf, if she enjoys the peace more than you, that sounds to me that she doesn't give a dam about you... so continue NC untill she get rid of being in peace without you.... No, NC is the right choice, cause if she has something for you, she will be back soon or later, and if not, you will have made a way to progress in your own path, and she will miss you less..... You have to protect you... that's what NC is all about.. If you force her to be with you, she might go back with you, but probably she will leave you soon or later because she won't have the time to miss you... So be careful...

[Simon Phoenix]

No Contact is not an age-dependent thing. That's just mental gymnastics you are doing to justify orbiting around her. Considering that you started a thread wanting specific instructions on how to manipulate your ex in a letter, I'd say you need No Contact more than most.

[ralfgarnett]

No Contact is not an age-dependent thing. That's just mental gymnastics you are doing to justify orbiting around her. Considering that you started a thread wanting specific instructions on how to manipulate your ex in a letter, I'd say you need No Contact more than most.

 

 

 

I don't know what I'm doing I feel in such a mess with it all, I feel so lost in life the pain of this is killing me, before this I heard of people dying from a broken heart, I couldn't understand that at the time but now I understand better, I just miss her so much in every single respect I feel broken by it all, I don't know what more I can say or do.

[ralfgarnett]

Well how's that for timing, she rang me to tell me under no circumstances whatsoever will she be coming back, said she started feeling unhappy with her life after her dad died in 2011 I knew it I had a feeling back then that it would change things and it did, so that's it game over, now what do I do ?.

[Day.One]

Well how's that for timing, she rang me to tell me under no circumstances whatsoever will she be coming back, said she started feeling unhappy with her life after her dad died in 2011 I knew it I had a feeling back then that it would change things and it did, so that's it game over, now what do I do ?.

 

 

 

As has been strongly suggested before, and is going to be more important now than ever. Get on the 180.

[ralfgarnett]

As has been strongly suggested before, and is going to be more important now than ever. Get on the 180.

 

Good advice I'm on to it.

[tikay00]

As has been strongly suggested before, and is going to be more important now than ever. Get on the 180.

 

I've seen the "180" thing being thrown around here and there in the NC threads, but what exactly is it? Link to the "official" 180 thread, please.

[BC1980]

I've seen the "180" thing being thrown around here and there in the NC threads, but what exactly is it? Link to the "official" 180 thread, please.

 

It's basically going NC. I think it's more for use when going through a divorce, and you are forced to be in contact with the person. You are supposed to do a complete 180 from where you were. Basically, don't contact unless necessary, and treat it with no emotion if you must contact the person. Look under the "Separation and Divorce" threads.

[tikay00]

It's basically going NC. I think it's more for use when going through a divorce, and you are forced to be in contact with the person. You are supposed to do a complete 180 from where you were. Basically, don't contact unless necessary, and treat it with no emotion if you must contact the person. Look under the "Separation and Divorce" threads.

 

Ah, OK. Not necessary for me.