If you want them back.

[Mangiafuoco]

It sucks, I know, but my words come from experience.

 

I did *everything* I could and the only thing that ever made her come back was when I walked away.

 

And even when she did come back, things still didn't end up working out.

 

the truth is once you've broken up, its broken, it will never be what it once was because the innocence of the relationship is gone.

 

the truth hurts and it will piss you off, but then it will set you free.

 

Cheers!

 

But reconciliations still continue to happen.

[Ducktape]

But reconciliations still continue to happen.

Indeed. But the new relationship becomes something different. Because in most reconciliation cases, people moved on, a good amount of time passed, people changed. So of course you won't be going back to the relationship that you're idolizing in your head. You gotta come to term that no matter what, that relationship is over. Never again will you feel like that. Everything else will be different.

 

Doesn't mean it's gonna be in a bad way.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

But reconciliations still continue to happen.

 

 

yes they do, depending on the circumstances, people, reasons why they broke up, what happened in between, time invested, wrong doings, efforts made etc.

 

still wont be the same as it was before the break up

(especially if they have been with other people... )

 

however due to the lost trust involved in a majority of breakups, many more fail.

 

but never say never.

 

the point is... do not put your life on hold waiting for a "reconciliation" to happen.

 

because you cannot get the time back you waste if/when it doesn't work out, at least the way you want it or expect it to.

 

Moving forward is a much better investment in time , take it from someone who knows.

Edited November 29, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Simon Phoenix]

But reconciliations still continue to happen.

 

Sure, when there's significant time apart and both parties evolve and are dedicated to starting anew (or as close to it as they can). Dumpees that "check in" or respond right away and serve as emotional tampons when their ex needs an ego boost are guaranteed to stay in a heart-shredding limbo.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Sure, when there's significant time apart and both parties evolve and are dedicated to starting anew (or as close to it as they can). Dumpees that "check in" or respond right away and serve as emotional tampons when their ex needs an ego boost are guaranteed to stay in a heart-shredding limbo.

 

 

 

 

Smart Guy, this Simon Phoenix.

[erklat]

here's the bottom line:

 

there is not a single thing you can do other than to cut her life out of yours completely, and proceed to living your own.

 

And very liberating once you get there.

[Mangiafuoco]

 

the point is... do not put your life on hold waiting for a "reconciliation" to happen.

 

because you cannot get the time back you waste if/when it doesn't work out, at least the way you want it or expect it to.

 

Moving forward is a much better investment in time , take it from someone who knows.

 

 

I read this so many times, i think is good moving forward but i don't fully agree with this point of view, this idea of wasting time. There is no time wasted when someone chose what he want to do and keep doing it, the more if you chose to work for the one you love, also if you will not reconciliate and it's important to keep this in mind. I say this because the "wasting time" give to me the idea of life like going to the supermarket and, if there is not the fruit you want, simply chosing another, and then "hurry!" i have to go to home for the dinner! If someone truly love a person he can chose to not be in hurry, and to try to work out things. It will work or not? Who can say what the future holds. But for sure at the end you have learned a lot of valuable life experience.

 

My opinion.

Edited November 30, 2014 by Mangiafuoco

[ralfgarnett]

It sucks, I know, but my words come from experience.

 

I did *everything* I could and the only thing that ever made her come back was when I walked away.

 

And even when she did come back, things still didn't end up working out.

 

the truth is once you've broken up, its broken, it will never be what it once was because the innocence of the relationship is gone.

 

the truth hurts and it will piss you off, but then it will set you free.

 

Cheers!

 

This is so true and is exactly what I said to her the night she came home in a state of turmoil, it came totally out of the blue and I said to her to just sit tight, sleep on it, don't panic, because once its tarnished its tarnished for good I can still hear my self saying it her being I floods of tears and saying she needs time and space and all that other crap they come out with under those circumstances yep no truer a word has been spoke you are such a wise and perceptive chap I enjoy our posts very much you should go in to business and sell your sevices mate, and I don't mean importuning

[erklat]

I read this so many times, i think is good moving forward but i don't fully agree with this point of view, this idea of wasting time. There is no time wasted when someone chose what he want to do and keep doing it, the more if you chose to work for the one you love, also if you will not reconciliate and it's important to keep this in mind. I say this because the "wasting time" give to me the idea of life like going to the supermarket and, if there is not the fruit you want, simply chosing another, and then "hurry!" i have to go to home for the dinner! If someone truly love a person he can chose to not be in hurry, and to try to work out things. It will work or not? Who can say what the future holds. But for sure at the end you have learned a lot of valuable life experience.

 

My opinion.

 

everything you said above counts

while you are still in a relationship, not when it's over.

[ralfgarnett]

Also, I know for certain that she wants to come round on my birday next week and xmas day, but what do I do when she rings to arrange the visit do I just say that she's not welcome or I don't want to see her, or that its not convenient or ive changed my mind, I don't really know how to handle that situation, I don't want to be rude or nasty but I want to stick to NC the best that I can in order for me to heal and also in the feint hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder not that I hold out much chance of that either short or long term but hope springs eternal and yes I would be lying if I said I wouldn't welcome a 2nd chance as I didn't deserve to have been cheated out of my marriage, as I said I don't want to be a tw-t about it she is a nice person with a good heart, ok she has hurt me like hell but I still care for her a hell of a lot and I know she cares about me too, so I am thinking firm but fare, but also I know I won't see anyone on those 2 days and its the loneliness that really gets to me am I cutting off my nose to spite my face by not seeing her on those 2 days ?, I think I have the guts to see them through without her but not totally 100% certain about it though, and I have had a bad time emotionally just recently with depression because of all this I don't want to make myself ill again, please advise anyone I am getting a bit confused.

[erklat]

I read this so many times, i think is good moving forward but i don't fully agree with this point of view, this idea of wasting time. There is no time wasted when someone chose what he want to do and keep doing it, the more if you chose to work for the one you love, also if you will not reconciliate and it's important to keep this in mind. I say this because the "wasting time" give to me the idea of life like going to the supermarket and, if there is not the fruit you want, simply chosing another, and then "hurry!" i have to go to home for the dinner! If someone truly love a person he can chose to not be in hurry, and to try to work out things. It will work or not? Who can say what the future holds. But for sure at the end you have learned a lot of valuable life experience.

 

My opinion.

 

everything you said above counts

while you are still in a relationship, not when it's over.

[stillhoping8]

Hey everyone, just another lost soul searching for answers here on LS.

 

I have recently been left behind by my girlfriend of more than 8 years from what seems to be a mixture of GIGS and us being in a rut. We have been living together for 4 years (She is 26 and I'm 29). We had a strong relationship where we grew together in all aspects of life, supported each other, both gave our everything at all times, without any thought of ever not being together. We have a house together and everything, we were practically married in the eyes of everyone.

 

Lately problems and routine have been piling up. I (the guy) became somewhat engulfed in the daily issues and being stuck in well paying jobs that I deeply disliked, for quite a long time. Became needy, clingy, took my problems home with me.

 

After a bigger argument once, she wanted to leave and I said fine, go. She stayed a weekend with a girl friend. After this fight she started to separate her bank account from mine, we were starting to drift apart and that made me angry and made me behave poorly. I could not believe that after 8 years together we would go to the supermarket and decide who is going to pay, I felt like this was a huge step backwards. I should have changed everything I was doing and start doing it better. But again I thought it will pass.

 

I did not know that she was starting to distance herself emotionally.

 

She started a new job, started meeting new people, she started going on team trips, business trips which provided more fun than we were having as a couple during this grey period.

 

Soon after she returned it was like she was looking for the right moment. She finally did and she said she wanted out, she named many hurtful reasons.

 

- "The time has passed".

- She loves me but not in love with me.

- She didn't experience life (we were actually our first partners).

- I am not who I used to be.

- She no longer believes we have a future.

- I shouldn't have let stress from work change me, or pursue stability, as I have always had my own house and I could have easily do whatever makes me happy for work, not what pays more.

- We should have been married a while ago, "I never trust her and that's what broke the relationship", "we should have been more focused on living and not making a living" - and other reasons.

 

She left but returned one week later. She said she still wants us and our plans.

 

After another week in which I thought we were starting to re-build, she left again. We parted kissing and hugging.. which confused me even more. Soon after she left she expressed that she was unsure why she did it. This time I told her to make sure that only her true feelings bring her back. She got her own place and from here she started to stand by her decision.. she even told her family about us being broken up. I sent her an e-mail with our conversations during the breakup, trying to show her how her feelings changed so fast and how one day we were making plans, kissing and hugging and the next day she was cold, she was forcing herself to be, because she got that far. She said we will no longer be together and I should try to accept it and move on.

 

I did a lot of stupid things since then, talked to her parents, told them that we should not through away everything we build together, that I love her more than anything. I cried every day. Removed her from Facebook when she was starting to re-warm up by sending me random text messages, I felt those were just to make herself feel better and I thought it's unfair how she ended an 8 year loving relationship by moving out and not even telling me the address, I am not a believer of being a friend to your long-time lover when she is in an unknown place, maybe not alone, that can drive you crazy. So I blocked her on Facebook, I think it was a mistake although it made sense at the time.

 

Since then she seemed pushed even further by the FB thing. Ever since I am no longer there, our common friends told me she stopped posting things, stopped being on FB almost at all. I talked to her one more time when I met her to give her some things, I was a mess and I should have avoided meeting her like this. She then said things like:

 

"Maybe we will find each other again in the future", "I cannot forgive you right now", "I am just sad", "I don't know how much time is going to pass you need to go on and not wait for me", "we should not talk for a while"

 

I am wondering if these new references to a future time actually mean anything. Wonder how or why she switched from never to maybe in the future, maybe she is just confused.

 

I haven't spoken to her since (6 days), but her birthday is in a week, really don't know what to do about that, I will definitely break NC.

 

Any advice or insight on what she may be doing or going through? I really love her and want to work everything out because I do believe we have a better chance together than we do apart.

Edited November 30, 2014 by stillhoping8

[ralfgarnett]

"The time has passed".

- She loves me but not in love with me.

- She didn't experience life (we were actually our first partners).

- I am not who I used to be.

- She no longer believes we have a future.

- I shouldn't have let stress from work change me, or pursue stability, as I have always had my own house and I could have easily do whatever makes me happy for work, not what pays more.

- We should have been married a while ago, "I never trust her and that's what broke the relationship", "we should have been more focused on living and not making a living" - and other reas

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

bullsh-t none of it means anything, she is merely copping out, hold firm, keep your dignity, say as little as you can and if your brave try going NC for as long as you can, good luck mate rooting for you,

[stillhoping8]

"The time has passed".

- She loves me but not in love with me.

- She didn't experience life (we were actually our first partners).

- I am not who I used to be.

- She no longer believes we have a future.

- I shouldn't have let stress from work change me, or pursue stability, as I have always had my own house and I could have easily do whatever makes me happy for work, not what pays more.

- We should have been married a while ago, "I never trust her and that's what broke the relationship", "we should have been more focused on living and not making a living" - and other reas

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

bullsh-t none of it means anything, she is merely copping out, hold firm, keep your dignity, say as little as you can and if your brave try going NC for as long as you can, good luck mate rooting for you,

 

Thanks a lot for your encouragement ralfgarnett, means a lot.

 

However, I am afraid I have already made mistakes so not much dignity left, after someone leaves you like this, it's very hard to keep it intact (especially if you lover her, otherwise you would prefer keeping the dignity and losing her). I have made it clear that I want her in my life. One meeting with her was very successful, I made it seem like I am fine and everything is even better without her. Another meeting was not so great...

 

She initiated no contact - I don't know how effective it is since she said "we should not speak for a while". I thought NC is only effective when you do it without the dumper knowing.

 

I know now that she is in a foreign country with someone, don't know if a female friend or a guy. I would be surprised if she is with a guy, however there is no way for me to find out.

 

There are moments like these when, even though everyone is telling me to back down, give her some time and she might come back, I am losing all hope.

[Dobie]

I'm going NC I'm sneaky though I blocked her on FB but have left posts of mine as public so if she snoops through a friends FB she can see me happy and having fun with other girls .

 

I have little to no hope she will ever come back after how she went out but at least she can see I'm not pining (even though I am) what makes it worse for her is I am doing things she accused me of not wanting to do with her so ha biatch! And since we BU she is doing none of the things she complained we were not doing lol

Edited November 30, 2014 by Dobie

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm going NC I'm sneaky though I blocked her on FB but have left posts of mine as public so if she snoops through a friends FB she can see me happy and having fun with other girls .

 

I have little to no hope she will ever come back after how she went out but at least she can see I'm not pining (even though I am) what makes it worse for her is I am doing things she accused me of not wanting to do with her so ha biatch! And since we BU she is doing none of the things she complained we were not doing lol

 

Posting to put on a front for your ex is not No Contact. It's not even a good plan. Stop trying to make her jealous and actually take your healing seriously.

[fire_angel94]

What if your boyfriend does the exact same thing and both of you end up not asking each other no matter how long has passed because you're both waiting?

 

My boyfriend is the type to say things he doesn't mean when he's angry. And he sure as hell won't ask me back if he thinks I'm in the wrong. I have to be the one to talk first.

 

We've broken up and patched back countless times and after the bad blood is gone he will apologise for saying things he didn't mean and promise to try his best never to mention breaking up again and that no matter how many times we do, we should always get back together. Am I allowed to trust those words as the ones he really means? Or the ones he sprouts when he's angry?

 

I don't know what to believe anymore.

[ralfgarnett]

Posting to put on a front for your ex is not No Contact. It's not even a good plan. Stop trying to make her jealous and actually take your healing seriously.

 

 

I completely agree don't play games just be you as that is what she fell for in the first place, mind games are like lies you end up embellishing your last lie I order to cover it up.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I read this so many times, i think is good moving forward but i don't fully agree with this point of view, this idea of wasting time. There is no time wasted when someone chose what he want to do and keep doing it, the more if you chose to work for the one you love, also if you will not reconciliate and it's important to keep this in mind. I say this because the "wasting time" give to me the idea of life like going to the supermarket and, if there is not the fruit you want, simply chosing another, and then "hurry!" i have to go to home for the dinner! If someone truly love a person he can chose to not be in hurry, and to try to work out things. It will work or not? Who can say what the future holds. But for sure at the end you have learned a lot of valuable life experience.

 

My opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

god forgive me for quoting taylor swift but:

 

 

"you can tell me when its over, if the high was worth the pain"

 

cuz when the relationship is *over*, 9 times out of 10 trying to get her back wont be worth it.

Edited December 1, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[ralfgarnett]

What if your boyfriend does the exact same thing and both of you end up not asking each other no matter how long has passed because you're both waiting?

 

My boyfriend is the type to say things he doesn't mean when he's angry. And he sure as hell won't ask me back if he thinks I'm in the wrong. I have to be the one to talk first.

 

We've broken up and patched back countless times and after the bad blood is gone he will apologise for saying things he didn't mean and promise to try his best never to mention breaking up again and that no matter how many times we do, we should always get back together. Am I allowed to trust those words as the ones he really means? Or the ones he sprouts when he's angry?

 

I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

 

And there's the rub, none of us know what to believe anymore.

[redalert11]

Mike:*Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

 

Rob:*You don't call.

 

Mike:*But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*So I don't call either way?

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*So what's the difference?

 

Rob:*There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

 

Mike:*So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*Well that sucks.

 

Rob:*Yeah, it sucks.

 

Mike:*So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

 

Rob:*Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

 

Mike:*What do you mean?

 

Rob:*I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

 

Mike:*Well what if she comes back first?

 

Rob:*Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

 

Mike:*There's the rub.

 

Rob:*There's the rub.

 

 

From the movie "Swingers", good movie, watch it.

 

I second that movie, a great motivator if you're trying to get over someone and are doing NC. "You're so money"

[LifeGoesOnMan]

What if your boyfriend does the exact same thing and both of you end up not asking each other no matter how long has passed because you're both waiting?

 

My boyfriend is the type to say things he doesn't mean when he's angry. And he sure as hell won't ask me back if he thinks I'm in the wrong. I have to be the one to talk first.

 

We've broken up and patched back countless times and after the bad blood is gone he will apologise for saying things he didn't mean and promise to try his best never to mention breaking up again and that no matter how many times we do, we should always get back together. Am I allowed to trust those words as the ones he really means? Or the ones he sprouts when he's angry?

 

I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

 

the dumper ALWAYS has to come back, the dumpee cannot, even if they stay in NC forever (& naturally move on)

 

 

if that's the case, it wasn't meant to be.

[ralfgarnett]

7 days NC now and had no urges to do so, however after 20 years together I feel very sad and disappointed that after all we have shared together that it has actually come down to this, what was she playing at ?, I almost feel sorry for her she had it all and threw it away just to be a taxi driver for her family the stupid bitch.

[Mangiafuoco]

the dumper ALWAYS has to come back, the dumpee cannot, even if they stay in NC forever (& naturally move on)

 

 

if that's the case, it wasn't meant to be.

 

 

I think there are others point of view to consider, more than the strict "the dumper always has to come back". This post fron eNotAlone can give more perspective on what i mean.

 

More info from a Dumpers Perspective....

[dumbass2]

"I'm going NC I'm sneaky though I blocked her on FB but have left posts of mine as public so if she snoops through a friends FB she can see me happy and having fun with other girls ."

The absolute best thing you can do is to show her nothing. Trust me on this. Your ex doesn't need to know if your happy or sad, the best thing is when they have no idea and can't find anything on you and then you are not reminding yourself that you are posting stuff to just "show" her.