If you want them back.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I can attest to that.

 

Here is my proof of what trying to maintain contact with my ex has accomplished. From an email she sent me.

Don't you understand that not giving it any space from the time I broke up with you, destroyed any possibility of being friends.

You kept asking me why, why, why, over and over and over again. And kept wanting to continue to talk about it. And I told you over and over again that I cannot be the person you talk to about this, then after that one night you went off on me. I was done.

 

I should have went no contact with her. Maybe she would have reached out to me down the line. But because of me being stupid, I made sure it will never happen.

 

 

 

and f-k being friends by the way lol

[somedude81]

you'd be surprised how many other people (including myself) thought that same thing

 

 

however, stick to your guns man, there is nothing you can do, but you!

 

 

was it a LTR?

Yup there is nothing I can do. It's an ugly feeling of powerlessness.

 

We were only together for six months so I don't know if that counts as an LTR. Funny enough, we started really talking to each other in a dance class pretty much exactly this time last year. She had a boyfriend at the time. We had our first date at the end of May.

 

Every day I have to fight the urge to contact her. Though I'm slowly staring to realize that I can't present her an argument that will make her want to get back with me. Doing so is coming at her logically, which is only bound to fail.

and f-k being friends by the way lol

Yeah I don't want to be friends with her.

 

Hell, she even said that we won't be able to be friends once she concluded her break up talk. So It's a little odd that her email to me mentioned friends. She knows very well that I want her back.

[pickflicker]

So It's a little odd that her email to me mentioned friends. She knows very well that I want her back.

 

Not really, it's a pretty standard line. Sometimes we say it involuntarily, we don't mean to, it's just a knee-jerk reaction to try and be nice. Don't put much stock in it.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Yup there is nothing I can do. It's an ugly feeling of powerlessness.

 

We were only together for six months so I don't know if that counts as an LTR. Funny enough, we started really talking to each other in a dance class pretty much exactly this time last year. She had a boyfriend at the time. We had our first date at the end of May.

 

Every day I have to fight the urge to contact her. Though I'm slowly staring to realize that I can't present her an argument that will make her want to get back with me. Doing so is coming at her logically, which is only bound to fail.

 

Yeah I don't want to be friends with her.

 

Hell, she even said that we won't be able to be friends once she concluded her break up talk. So It's a little odd that her email to me mentioned friends. She knows very well that I want her back.

 

 

like I said, take all that bullsh-t with a grain of salt and just know that YOU have the power, with NO CONTACT.

 

 

you lose that power if you were to try to stay in contact or be friends.

 

 

NO CONTACT is the the 1 and only way.

 

 

and 3 months aint sh-t bro. 6 months isn't that long of relationship either, so its hard to say.

 

 

but again, whats meant to be will be.

 

 

worry about you, stop worrying bout her.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Not really, it's a pretty standard line. Sometimes we say it involuntarily, we don't mean to, it's just a knee-jerk reaction to try and be nice. Don't put much stock in it.

 

 

 

and yea, nobody wants to be the bad guy, so an offering of "friendship" is a way to feel better about themselves.

 

 

when in reality, its the absolute worst thing you can be. just friends lol, gtfo out of here.

[somedude81]

Not really, it's a pretty standard line. Sometimes we say it involuntarily, we don't mean to, it's just a knee-jerk reaction to try and be nice. Don't put much stock in it.

Interesting. Do you have an idea of what she really meant?

[Never Again]

somedude81, NC is really your only choice.

 

It's best for your healing, which needs to come first and foremost.

 

I, like you, learned that lesson a little too late. I knew instinctively to not initiate contact, but I responded.

 

If I could only tell you the mistakes I made in the first month alone. Hell, even though the first month was the worst, I still made mistakes 4 months later. I won't get into them here, but I poured my heart out 4 days after the breakup and then kept my feelings to myself...but I never did full NC. I responded, in a friendly way, when she'd toss me breadcrumbs. Ugh.

 

Even if she doesn't get back to you, just run the other way for now. Lick your

 

As for being "friends":

 

It's not always knee-jerk, but that doesn't make it sincere. They cared about you, and they still do, just not the same way. Offering friends makes them feel good because...well, hey, at least they offered.

 

And if you accept? Well, you can't hate them TOO much if you're willing to be friends.

 

In this case, "friendship" isn't offered to be nice really...it's a way to appear nice to alleviate guilt and not be the "bad guy".

[jphcbpa]

 

but again, whats meant to be will be.

 

 

worry about you, stop worrying bout her.

 

yes sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[WantanS4]

when you say you dumped, you mean you dumped her?

 

 

Yup. That's the case.

[WantanS4]

And I told you over and over again that I cannot be the person you talk to about this, then after that one night you went off on me. I was done.

 

Sounds on par for what I did. I laid into her, and dropped it all on the table. Had held onto for so many years.... oh well.

[hudson701]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

[Never Again]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

 

I made lots of mistakes when I was contacted. Responded in an eager and friendly, but non-informative way. All it did was get me to hold on longer.

 

My personal rule of thumb now is: be civil, but not friendly. If they remember a special day and wish you well, there's nothing wrong with a thank you. 99% of others should be ignored, and if you do answer, treat them like a stranger...answer the question in a brief, businesslike way and cut it short.

 

This is NOT to get them back. If they're going to come back, it'll be after you get YOU back

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

 

 

Honestly, it's best to say nothing at all.

 

Because if they are serious about getting back together, they will come a banging on your door.

 

Trust me, I've seen it and it's happened to me.

 

And if they don't, you have your answer.

 

If you are going to reply at all, which again you shouldn't, but I know you probably aren't going to listen, you need to seem as happy as ever, say nothing about anything geared toward the relationship, and keep it as short and as sweet as possible. Seriously.

 

You have to appear "gone". & they have to work for it, because they will if they want it bad enough.

 

You just do you in the meantime.

Edited February 26, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[LifeGoesOnMan]

And all that "some girls" this or that, dude seriously, all their brains operate the same. Despite their personality, looks, upbringing, etc.

 

It all comes down to psychological influences, and they have to be "challenged", they have to "wonder" what you're doing, who you're with, whether or not you miss them...

 

They can't know you're pining over them.

 

They have to believe THEY f-ked up and made a mistake and now they're losing you.

 

Until they are obsessed, like some literotica novel or something.

 

It's true, believe it.

[Never Again]

And all that "some girls" this or that, dude seriously, all their brains operate the same. Despite their personality, looks, upbringing, etc.

 

It all comes down to psychological influences, and they have to be "challenged", they have to "wonder" what you're doing, who you're with, whether or not you miss them...

 

They can't know you're pining over them.

 

They have to believe THEY f-ked up and made a mistake and now they're losing you.

 

Until they are obsessed, like some literotica novel or something.

 

It's true, believe it.

 

Oh, if only I hadn't screwed that all up already :-p

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Oh, if only I hadn't screwed that all up already :-p

 

Sigh, you live & you learn bro.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

 

I think you are looking for any excuse to try to "win" her back. If you have to "coax" them into loving you, do you really think something like that is going to work in the long run? If their personal pride is more important than whatever feelings they might have for you, then they don't really value a relationship with you.

[Never Again]

Sigh, you live & you learn bro.

 

Pretty much.

 

Used logic and poured my heart out ONCE right after the BU, but I responded to breadcrumbs. Happy as ever, but let it turn into a conversation. More than anything else, it just hurt...and probably revealed that I was pining.

 

At this point, I really just wish I'd saved myself the embarrassment.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Pfenixphire

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Pretty much.

 

At this point, I really just wish I'd saved myself the embarrassment.

 

Consider it an acquisition of battle scars, I have lol

[somedude81]

l

 

 

and 3 months aint sh-t bro. 6 months isn't that long of relationship either, so its hard to say.

 

 

but again, whats meant to be will be.

 

 

worry about you, stop worrying bout her.

Yeah I know that 6 months isn't that long. It's partly why I worried that going NC might cause her to forget me.

 

So dating for only six months, and already broken up for three, I just don't have any hope.

 

Maybe If I was NC from the very beginning. But it's far too late for that now.

[pickflicker]

Ok what about if you've been NC for a while and your ex contacts you just to test the waters e.g. Basic how are you messages. Can't you just reply with something equally as banal and close-ended then continue going NC until you get the serious 'look- we need to talk and sort this relationship out' text?

 

I mean isn't it just a bit black and white to wait for the exact 'I want you back' phrase? If the LC doesn't bother you, then surely non-committal responses on your part can't hurt- just keep them as vague as your ex until she gives in and ramps up the seriousness.

 

Going complete cold turkey might not work with every girl as perhaps they will need coaxing out a bit. This is the dilemma I'm in now. To wait for the 'let's talk' text or give **** responses to vague messages in order to build some sort of report.

 

What does everyone think?

 

You 'banal' reply is not really banal because you're still emotionally invested. That's why you ignore it.

 

Oh, and speaking as a woman, I don't need to be 'coaxed' into telling a guy I like him. No woman does. Hot tip: if she wants you, you will tell you. Loudly. Succinctly. No BS.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Yeah I know that 6 months isn't that long. It's partly why I worried that going NC might cause her to forget me.

 

So dating for only six months, and already broken up for three, I just don't have any hope.

 

Maybe If I was NC from the very beginning. But it's far too late for that now.

 

sometimes that's the way it goes, on the bright side, there is like billions of other girls, literally

 

& be glad it was as short as it was, or it would have been a whole lot more painful.

[Kevin_D]

It's been about 3 months since I was dumped and I'm beginning to see things more clearly now. I would say that 99% of the time, there are two reasons why people dump their partner:

 

1. They aren't compatible. Different life goals, political views and so on cause constant fights. The dumper checks out of the relationship emotionally and want to spend less and less time together. The red flags are usually everywhere.

 

When this happens, it's usually for the best. Even if the dumpee initially is very upset, he/she will most likely sooner or later realise that it was bound to happen.

 

2. They are bored. This is basically GIGS. The dumper still loves the dumpee, but can't resist the temptation of pursuing a new relationship. After all, if you have so strong feelings for someone else, your current partner can't be your soulmate! The dumper desperately hopes that the feelings will go away if they spend more time with the dumpee. When they realise that it doesn't help, they pull the trigger, and the dumpee is taken completely off guard.

 

My theory is that the bored dumpers often make a last attempt to "fix" things, such as having more sex and doing fun stuff together. However, they can't seem to enjoy these moments, because they are thinking of someone else. They aren't happy. And what's even worse, they feel guilt and shame, because they're pretty much faking that everything is okay.

So when they finally dump the dumpee, they feel so relieved. They don't have to fake it anymore, the obstacle is gone. They can finally do what they want.

 

But after a while, many bored dumpers will realise that the new relationship isn't better. And they tell themselves "my soulmate must still be out there". So they try another relationship. And another. And one day it isn't exciting anymore, it's just the same thing over and over. This is when they realise what they once had.

 

I'm convinced NC speeds up this process. As long as you respond to breadcrumbs, the dumper is convinced that he/she could get you back. It's like... if you're watching a movie at home and need to pee, you can usually wait until the movie is over, because you know that there's a toilet in vicinity. But if you're on a subway train, stuck in a dark tunnel, it feels like you're going to pee your pants if you don't find a toilet quickly. Going NC moves the dumper from the couch to the subway train.

[WantanS4]

It's been about 3 months since I was dumped and I'm beginning to see things more clearly now. I would say that 99% of the time, there are two reasons why people dump their partner:

 

1. They aren't compatible. Different life goals, political views and so on cause constant fights. The dumper checks out of the relationship emotionally and want to spend less and less time together. The red flags are usually everywhere.

 

When this happens, it's usually for the best. Even if the dumpee initially is very upset, he/she will most likely sooner or later realise that it was bound to happen.

 

2. They are bored. This is basically GIGS. The dumper still loves the dumpee, but can't resist the temptation of pursuing a new relationship. After all, if you have so strong feelings for someone else, your current partner can't be your soulmate! The dumper desperately hopes that the feelings will go away if they spend more time with the dumpee. When they realise that it doesn't help, they pull the trigger, and the dumpee is taken completely off guard.

 

My theory is that the bored dumpers often make a last attempt to "fix" things, such as having more sex and doing fun stuff together. However, they can't seem to enjoy these moments, because they are thinking of someone else. They aren't happy. And what's even worse, they feel guilt and shame, because they're pretty much faking that everything is okay.

So when they finally dump the dumpee, they feel so relieved. They don't have to fake it anymore, the obstacle is gone. They can finally do what they want.

 

But after a while, many bored dumpers will realise that the new relationship isn't better. And they tell themselves "my soulmate must still be out there". So they try another relationship. And another. And one day it isn't exciting anymore, it's just the same thing over and over. This is when they realise what they once had.

 

I'm convinced NC speeds up this process. As long as you respond to breadcrumbs, the dumper is convinced that he/she could get you back. It's like... if you're watching a movie at home and need to pee, you can usually wait until the movie is over, because you know that there's a toilet in vicinity. But if you're on a subway train, stuck in a dark tunnel, it feels like you're going to pee your pants if you don't find a toilet quickly. Going NC moves the dumper from the couch to the subway train.

 

True that; all of the above that is.

 

There are some bishes (excuse me ladies of the forum, no intent to offend), that not only have too much personal pride to admit their faults and mistakes (ala my ex), but also have the GIGS syndrome. Hence, the rebound relationship. Then, when the rebound breaks, as Kevin_D points out, they move onto something else and again and again. It's only after getting the something shiny and new gets old that they realize "OMG, he who put in more than 8 months with me, actually cared. OMG OMG, and he tried to keep it going. OMG OMG OMG, and I was the biggest bitch. OMG OMG OMG OMG, I hate myself."

 

Reality hits and when it hits, as all of us who admitted to making mistakes and truly regret them, SOB hits hard. By that time, as is the case with women, the beauty and desirability have declined. It's tragic.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah I know that 6 months isn't that long. It's partly why I worried that going NC might cause her to forget me.

 

So dating for only six months, and already broken up for three, I just don't have any hope.

 

Maybe If I was NC from the very beginning. But it's far too late for that now.

 

No one forgets about anyone they date. Six weeks, six months, six years, they don't ever completely leave. I know a couple that dated for four months in high school, broke up, moved on, got married to other people, divorced, ran back into each other over a decade later and now are going to get married to each other.

 

I'm not telling you that to give you hope (your hope went bye-bye when you couldn't leave well enough alone and kept after your ex), but just to tell you for the next time (which unfortunately will probably come down the road). People might move on, but they never forget.