If you want them back.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am doing it for myself. I know I want to be stronger, so I am working out. I know I want to have money so I have gotten a job. Etc etc.

 

Now I am comfortable with myself and know that I want her. And I want to do whatever gives me the best chance of accomplishing that, just like everything else. And you aren't exactly correct. Yes, she didn't want the depressed me. But I am fairly certain she would want the new me, she just has to see him. I think its very rare to undergo drastic chances in only a couple of months after a breakup, but somehow I managed it. I am not the person I was when she stopped wanting me.

 

You kind of are though. Sure, you've made some kneejerk changes, but that doesn't make you a new person. Keeping with those changes and continuing to evolve does that. That will take months.

 

Honestly, she needs to discover these changes on her own if they are to register positively to her. Right now if you went to her had said "Look at me, I've changed" she'd sit back and be like "yeah right". Sure, you look better, but she'd feel like as soon as she gave you a second chance, you'd relapse. Because 95 percent of the time, that happens. And right now, these changes are for her. If they weren't, it wouldn't have taken her breaking up with you for you to make them. And if she rejected you this second, odds are you'd stop changing and go back to the way it was before.

 

If I had a dollar for every person who came in here and thought the principles of No Contact didn't apply to them, I'd be pretty rich. No matter how many mental gymnastics you do, your situation isn't unique or different. You need to make sure the changes are permanent behavioral changes, not a temporary kneejerk reaction. That takes more than two months. And if she comes peeking and discovers it on her own, it will make much more of an impact. If that never happens, then it was more than those faults that caused the break.

 

Either way, all the changing you're trying to do will be compromised if you start chasing after her like a panicky puppy. You need to chill the hell out, decompress, and continue the work so you don't relapse. Either way, your thinking isn't remotely logical right now and you are doing more gymnastics than Mikayla Maroney right now. Unfortunately, yours are of the mental kind.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[romanticmoron]

Thanks for the reply, I realize you are trying to help. But I really have to disagree with a few points.

 

For one, I know for a fact that I would not go back to being unemployed, not working out, being antisocial, dressing like a shmuck, and playing video games all day if I got her back. Seriously, I HATED my lifestyle before. That's what made me depressed. And because I was depressed I wasn't willing to get myself out of it. It was a vicious cycle. I literally get depressed when I try to play computer games with friends now, I hate it. I just did it because its all I knew. Also I started all of these changes before I even thought I had lost her, when it only seemed like we were having a small problem. Basically I just needed a little nudge out of my depression and now I know for a fact I'll never go back, with or without her. I get that a lot of people try to "change" to win an ex back. But my change was absolutely necessary just for my own life. I could not have continued the way I was, it was unsustainable. I literally cannot relapse.

 

And my plan is not to chase her. I will not tell her I miss her, I wont tell her I love her or anything. My plan is to just engage her over texts for now in a friendly manner with the intent of eventually hanging out in person. I feel like this will work due to how insanely close we were, her serious lack of friends, this new guy living in a different state and her having moved back in with her family whom drive her crazy (i was her relief from them). She also kept trying to convince me to stay friends with her, saying wed always at least be "best best friends" if nothing else. She is probably really lonely and at least misses our friendship a lot. Thatll be my ticket to meeting her in person and then Ill just be flirty (just fun, not desperate) and see what happens. I wont get friend zoned because I'm not an idiot.

 

If she seems unphased and still totally unattracted then that is that. At least I wont regret trying. Ill probably be set back a bit in terms of getting over her but then I can finally go full no contact and move on with my life without more regrets, and she'll forever be the one that got away.

 

I dont think Im doing many gymnastics here to be honest. In fact, if anything, this seems overly logical. Like Im thinking it out too much.

[Ruby65]

romanticmoron:

 

She lost feelings for you. Changing the things YOU THINK caused her to lose those feelings won't magically bring those feelings back.

 

You have a checklist in your mind: clothes, weight, career, social life, etc. You think improving these areas will bring back her feelings? Nope. Doesn't work that way -- not for women, anyway. She was done before she broke up with you and pursuing her now will only push her farther away.

 

At best, your *friendly* texts will come off as totally transparent. At worst, as weak and desperate and manipulative.

 

Your best shot is to maintain No Contact, become a ghost and disappear from her world entirely.... and maybe one day she'll miss you enough to change her mind.

 

When you've had more relationships, you'll understand this one relationship -- as perfect as it seemed to you -- is NOT your one chance at love. You have far more relationships ahead, relationships that will be much much better on many levels, especially if you continue to work on improving yourself.

 

But to continue to pursue someone who's no longer in love with you, who has someone else they ARE crazy about and planning a future with, is an exercise in futility.

 

You think you won't get friendzoned? You already have been.

[romanticmoron]

Ruby, I totally understand what you are saying. I am not under the false impression that female attraction is logical in any way, or that I have even a decent shot at getting her back this way. I could literally have changed every negative thing she ever thought about me and she still might not be attracted.

 

I view it like this: She's leaving. For two years minimum. I'm not gonna wait two years for her. Once she leaves, she's gone and we are through. So I've got nothing to lose except a bit more heartache, and I've got everything to gain. If she thinks less of me, so what? Shes going to be far as hell away anyway soon enough anyway. I don't really see a difference in A. us not talking at all and B. us not talking at all and her thinking worse of me.

 

I just want her. That's all that matters to me in this situation. And there are enough unknowns and chaotic variables for me to have some slight chance here. I do not think she is "crazy a bout him and planning a future with him". I thought about it more and realize her moving to the same state as him is probably largely coincidental. Where we live is simply unaffordable on one's own, and the other half of her family lives in that state. She is very likely going to move in with them.

 

So maybe she is crazy about him, maybe she's not. Maybe she is having regrets, maybe she's not. (Even during our last week trying to "fix things" she still fluctuated between sticking it out and planning the rest of our future and ending things). And that was when I was still a scrawny little loser. Who the hell knows. I sure as hell don't. And that's why I feel the need to try. Maybe she thinks I hate her and is avoiding contact because of that, maybe not. I might as well find out if she's gonna be gone anyway.

 

I don't feel the need to "win" the breakup and play the NC game like a lot of people do. I am confident enough and have the self esteem to not care about petty games like that. She can think whatever the hell she wants about me if she decides she is totally over me. At that point I dont give a damn. NC was definitely beneficial and probably will be for another month maybe, but I think after that I need to at least test the waters and likely get shot down.

 

People treat romantic relationships and breakups so much differently than anything else. To me its just like anything. If you want something, try to get it in the way that gives you the best chance. If I had a fallout with one of my guy best friends or a family member and wanted his friendship back I would do whatever it took for us to become friends again, even if the likelihood of it working was low and the chance of looking like an idiot was high.

 

Also I am not friend zoned. We have not spoken in two months. That is no zone at all.

[Ruby65]

NC and breakups are not "games" to be "won."

 

She lost feelings for you, broke up with you and is with someone else.

 

Right now, you're in Denial. You can't accept that her feelings for you are gone, but they are gone.

 

You're in the Bargaining Stage of processing this loss.... google the Five Stages of Grief model, most people go through this stage. It's when you're desperately trying to negotiate your way back into a relationship that's over.

 

And regardless of all your justifications and rationales, it IS over -- to her. Your continued pursuit IS desperate -- and unless she's a brain-dead zombie, it's going to be as obvious to her as it is to me.

 

You were friendzoned before she even broke up with you. The fact that she would ask to remain BEST BEST FRIENDS shows how completely dead her feelings for you are. Someone who has romantic feelings doesn't want to be your friend because the idea of seeing you with other girls would be too heart-breaking!

 

Your ex would likely be relieved to see you dating other girls..... because then she'd get to feel less guilty for walking away.

[romanticmoron]

That is literally the point I was making: That NC shouldn't be viewed as a game like many of you try to make it seem.

 

How the heck am I in denial? I have said many times that my chances are probably really really low.

 

Also you are assuming things about a relationship you don't know anything about. Hell, even I don't know these things! It is definitely possible she would be relieved seeing me with other girls, but neither you or I know that. It is just as likely that she thinks because I was such a loser at the time she left me that she figured she could see how things turn out with this new guy and Id still be single and take her back if she came back. Again, even I don't know which is true, and you definitely don't.

 

For many of you, it seems like regardless of ANY circumstances you are hell-bent on the idea that NC is the ONLY possible option after ANY breakup. That seems awfully narrow minded and stubborn. I have seen many posts on here and other forums where reconciliation has worked by breaking NC. I also know people in real life who have made it work. I still believe NC is the correct way to go in 90% of situations, but not this one.

 

I, unlike you, am willing to admit that I know almost nothing about how she feels right now or what she wants. And that is why I think I am going to give it a go. I am viewing everyone's objections with an open mind but they just aren't applicable and are too presumptuous. To me, the more unknowns there are, the more it makes sense to try.

 

Still, I thank you for replying. I am sure you are trying to help people with their problems. I just think you need to stop thinking the NC concept is so infallible and perfect for all situations.

[Ruby65]

No Contact is the best way to HEAL.

 

Attempting to win back someone who's broken up with you.... is pointless.

 

When reconciliation happens -- and works -- it's because the dumper has changed their mind and initiated a reconciliation. People who chase after their exes almost always fail.

 

But I fully expect you to continue regardless. Best of luck to you.

[romanticmoron]

I totally agree. NC has helped me heal a lot in the last couple months. It's slow going, but it is definitely the only path to healing.

 

However, I am willing to take a setback in healing in order to see if there's a chance. That's just a gamble I'm willing to make.

 

And that is just simply untrue. Yes, usually that is how it goes. But as I said, there are posts on this forum, and real life examples of reconciliation happening only because of the dumpee breaking no contact. I even saw a thread today where a guy made the exact point I am making now.

 

He said "If I had listened to all you guys we would have never gotten back together. Sometimes NC isn't the right thing to do" basically. He waited a month or so and then re initiated contact in the way I am planning to and it worked for him. There are plenty of posts like this. It does happen. And some dumpers even make posts saying how they would consider reconciliation but only if their exes were to contact them first. So it just depends on the situation.

 

Thank you for the luck! I will likely need quite a bit of it if Im ever going to get her back! At this point Id probably give myself like a... 5% chance at best.

[Ruby65]

This is your first real breakup, so you believe you're "healed" and that you have "a chance"......

 

Your situation isn't unique or unusual.

 

But you'll just have to experience it yourself.... and then you'll be back on these boards trying to spare other first-timers from the same kind of pain.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

This is your first real breakup, so you believe you're "healed" and that you have "a chance"......

 

Your situation isn't unique or unusual.

 

But you'll just have to experience it yourself.... and then you'll be back on these boards trying to spare other first-timers from the same kind of pain.

 

she's right you know...

[romanticmoron]

I haven't disagreed with most of what you guys are saying. I just don't see it as a valid reason not to try to contact her.

 

I am willing to accept the very likely possibility of hurting myself quite a bit in order to get answers/have a tiny chance of making things work. Right now I am not healing at all, even with no contact because there are so many unknowns and my brain is playing tricks on me telling me there's a chance. Maybe getting the door slammed in my face will help. It couldn't make it much worse.

[NopeNah]

I haven't disagreed with most of what you guys are saying. I just don't see it as a valid reason not to try to contact her.

 

I am willing to accept the very likely possibility of hurting myself quite a bit in order to get answers/have a tiny chance of making things work. Right now I am not healing at all, even with no contact because there are so many unknowns and my brain is playing tricks on me telling me there's a chance. Maybe getting the door slammed in my face will help. It couldn't make it much worse.

 

I wouldn't do it,but if it's what you feel...then by all means go for it. My ex has "came back"(again ),we are not officially a couple because I'm not sure what I want. However...she came back on her own. I didn't chase her and had got on with my life without her. I blocked her on all social media,blah,blah..did NC, like I always do when anyone,even a close friend, says that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore..."Really? Ok...PEACE!" My and your life will and does continue without them!

[erklat]

How the hell do I show her this new me with no contact?

 

Dude, the need to show "new you" is unattractive lvl over 9000.

 

I groveled, sent flowers, wrote letters, did grand gestures and thought

I have changed. When I really changed, I only wished I skipped

every little stupid thing I did to bring her back.

 

Oh, I had anxiety reading your posts to the letter. You know why?

Because I lived through it.

[xinaxxsdertf]

hey guys could anybody give me any insight on this.

so i went no contact on my ex after she dumped me. my last text to her was me telling her how i feel about her (i want to be with her) and that i hope 1 day she will text me saying she misses me because i said im gonna leave her alone from now..

 

anyways, i went no contact and yesterday was the 6th day of NC, we would usually not even go 5 minutes without texting so it was bizarre how she was able to go so long without contacting me. yesterday was day 6 of NC and she finally texted me saying "i know i shouldnt be texting you but i hope youre doing well".

i was so happy to see this but i played it cool and replied "im doing good thanks hope all is well". (i didnt want to not reply because then she will know im purposely not talking to her and probably think im still angry/upset over the breakup, i wanted to seem like i was doing good now).

 

she replied to that saying "yea been okay, miss you. keep doing well, proud of you". and i didnt reply. did i do okay? and what do you think her intentions were with this?

[NopeNah]

hey guys could anybody give me any insight on this.

so i went no contact on my ex after she dumped me. my last text to her was me telling her how i feel about her (i want to be with her) and that i hope 1 day she will text me saying she misses me because i said im gonna leave her alone from now..

 

anyways, i went no contact and yesterday was the 6th day of NC, we would usually not even go 5 minutes without texting so it was bizarre how she was able to go so long without contacting me. yesterday was day 6 of NC and she finally texted me saying "i know i shouldnt be texting you but i hope youre doing well".

i was so happy to see this but i played it cool and replied "im doing good thanks hope all is well". (i didnt want to not reply because then she will know im purposely not talking to her and probably think im still angry/upset over the breakup, i wanted to seem like i was doing good now).

 

she replied to that saying "yea been okay, miss you. keep doing well, proud of you". and i didnt reply. did i do okay? and what do you think her intentions were with this?

I wouldn't have replied at all,but I guess your reply wasn't that bad? NC is NC!

[xinaxxsdertf]

hmm so if she does text again in the next few days (i obviously want reconciliation) then do you think it would be more effective to just not reply at all?

 

i just dont want to look like im struggling with the break up, im doing okay so i wanted it to seem that way, i just thought that not replying makes me look like im struggling because it will be obvious that im not replying on purpose

[NopeNah]

hmm so if she does text again in the next few days (i obviously want reconciliation) then do you think it would be more effective to just not reply at all?

 

i just dont want to look like im struggling with the break up, im doing okay so i wanted it to seem that way, i just thought that not replying makes me look like im struggling because it will be obvious that im not replying on purpose

 

You're not replying because you owe her nothing. Simple as that! By replying you are telling her that what she did by ending it with you is "OK". Do you feel it was "OK" for her to end it with you? Do you owe her a response?

[xinaxxsdertf]

You're not replying because you owe her nothing. Simple as that! By replying you are telling her that what she did by ending it with you is "OK". Do you feel it was "OK" for her to end it with you? Do you owe her a response?

 

i didnt actually think about it like that. i think you're right. i owe her nothing. hopefully me not replying to the second message still managed to have that effect. i have a feeling she was hoping i was going to say i miss you back

[NopeNah]

i didnt actually think about it like that. i think you're right. i owe her nothing. hopefully me not replying to the second message still managed to have that effect. i have a feeling she was hoping i was going to say i miss you back

 

Exactly! What she texted were nothing but breadcrumbs. Anything short of "I want you back" type texts,deserve no reply.

[xinaxxsdertf]

Exactly! What she texted were nothing but breadcrumbs. Anything short of "I want you back" type texts,deserve no reply.

 

thanks man youre right. I'll stay in NC even if she texts. only time i will reply is if its anything along the lines of her wanting me back. And in the meantime i may even be able to move on and not need her anymore. But for now, i miss her like crazy and would love to have her back but im hoping this NC will help me get my confidence back and maybe find someone else. I dont know if its a good idea getting a rebound but i feel like it would be a big step into moving on from my ex

[Simon Phoenix]

hmm so if she does text again in the next few days (i obviously want reconciliation) then do you think it would be more effective to just not reply at all?

 

i just dont want to look like im struggling with the break up, im doing okay so i wanted it to seem that way, i just thought that not replying makes me look like im struggling because it will be obvious that im not replying on purpose

 

The fact that you are worried about how she perceives you is a huge reason to stay No Contact. You are dealing with a breakup, breakups are painful and distance is needed. Stop trying to put out a front or a cover story. You need to heal, and staying in contact with your ex is not healing. It's putting on a front, and eventually that front will crack.

[Cedar27]

The fact that you are worried about how she perceives you is a huge reason to stay No Contact. You are dealing with a breakup, breakups are painful and distance is needed. Stop trying to put out a front or a cover story. You need to heal, and staying in contact with your ex is not healing. It's putting on a front, and eventually that front will crack.

 

Good point. I was recently having a conversation with my therapist who gave me a great analogy. In terms of my own recovery and self growth, I am still in the process of planting seeds and watering them. It takes a while to grow a garden. If and when I speak to my ex again she needs to see the garden in full bloom. Then I came up with a little analogy myself.

 

The last time I spoke to my ex I was trying so hard to put on this front that i've changed/grown. In reality, I plopped down a bag of fertilizer in front of her and tried to convince her that she was seeing a beautiful garden. I don't think she bought it.

 

My therapist couldn't stop laughing.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Cedar27

[Ronnie55]

Wanted to tell my story quick and look for some advice.

 

Together 10 months. I was her first love. Everything was incredible. Undeniable crazy chemistry for 10 months. This semester though, she has been SUPER stressed out with school to the point it brought her to tears because she's getting screwed over. (which is about to end this week) Then she got sick for a week and a half and was hopped up on cold medicine. During this time she ended up breaking up with telling me she loves spending time with me and has so much fun while we are together, but she's not sure if she sees forever like I do. She said its not fair to me, for her to continue if she isn't as sure as I am. That was 1 week ago and I have gone complete NC since.

 

Reading the posts on here have helped me learn a lot. I am curious though, what are the chances she will realize she made a mistake? Do you think I will hear from her? It sucks when she originally started dating after a while, I was the first guy she went out with. She didn't get to experience striking out with loser after loser.

 

By the way the break up was completely civil, no fighting, no yelling

[xinaxxsdertf]

Wanted to tell my story quick and look for some advice.

 

Together 10 months. I was her first love. Everything was incredible. Undeniable crazy chemistry for 10 months. This semester though, she has been SUPER stressed out with school to the point it brought her to tears because she's getting screwed over. (which is about to end this week) Then she got sick for a week and a half and was hopped up on cold medicine. During this time she ended up breaking up with telling me she loves spending time with me and has so much fun while we are together, but she's not sure if she sees forever like I do. She said its not fair to me, for her to continue if she isn't as sure as I am. That was 1 week ago and I have gone complete NC since.

 

Reading the posts on here have helped me learn a lot. I am curious though, what are the chances she will realize she made a mistake? Do you think I will hear from her? It sucks when she originally started dating after a while, I was the first guy she went out with. She didn't get to experience striking out with loser after loser.

 

By the way the break up was completely civil, no fighting, no yelling

 

if she loves you man then she will contact you. my ex has contacted me twice now since ive been in NC. i think im on like day 10 of NC? i just realised ive stopped counting the days which has come as a surprise because i was counting each day that went by. Nobody can truly tell you if she will contact you or not because everybody has a different situation and who knows whats going on in her head. You need to try develop that mindset of moving on and not waiting for her. I am still struggling to do this, i find myself waiting for a text everyday but ive been trying to get myself into that mentality of "if its meant to be, she will make it happen". but as for now im keeping my options open and im partying and just enjoying myself so if someone happens to catch my eye and we kick it off then i guess i'll move on.

 

Dont get me wrong, i dont want to move on. i want her back. But if she doesnt love me anymore then its just not going to happen because i cant expect myself to convince her to love me. Once your ex convinces herself she doesnt want you anymore, her mind is made up. But if you want any chance of getting her back then for now its best to stay in NC. its the only way to get them to miss you. my ex texted me saying she missed me and i didnt reply then she texted a few days later asking how i am. this tells me she is thinking of me and is missing me so i want to leave her with her own thoughts and she will decide on her own if im worth chasing or if she wants to let me go. I cant make the decision for her. This should be the same in your situation.

 

hope it works out for you bud

[Cedar27]

.

 

Dont get me wrong, i dont want to move on. i want her back. But if she doesnt love me anymore then its just not going to happen because i cant expect myself to convince her to love me. Once your ex convinces herself she doesnt want you anymore, her mind is made up. But if you want any chance of getting her back then for now its best to stay in NC. its the only way to get them to miss you. my ex texted me saying she missed me and i didnt reply then she texted a few days later asking how i am. this tells me she is thinking of me and is missing me so i want to leave her with her own thoughts and she will decide on her own if im worth chasing or if she wants to let me go. I cant make the decision for her. This should be the same in your situation.

 

hope it works out for you bud

 

So your'e ex is checking up on you, telling you she misses you, what are you waiting for? I don't get it. Women often give clues rather than saying things outright. I feel like some people are waiting for a certain phrase or statement when it's right in front of them.

 

Unless she's just unstable, and on one hand is contacting you/missing you but she is dead set on being broken up. Is that the case?