If you want them back.

[ASV]

I think you are taking this just a bit too far. All I said was if an ex reaches out after a period of time, or in a way that's indicative of interest, a dumpee who seeks reconciliation should hear them out just once.

 

Maybe we just don't see eye to eye on this.

 

I haven't read all the thread replies and I don't know if my post has passed unnoticed, but I think mine was a good answer to this. All in all, your ex is a person in which you have put enough trust to be that sincere and just demand that if anytime she is able to truly love you in return she can try to knock at your door. If not, ask her to let you and herself built your confidence again by staying NC and moving on until true feelings can already flourish.

[Ruby65]

Why is it that when men do the dumping and want to reconcile it's make no contact, don't submit yourself to such humiliation. Don't risk your pride, have more respect for yourself, keep your dignity, be an Alpha male, indifference is your best bargaining chip...etc, etc...

 

I haven't noticed a gender difference.

 

As a dumper myself I made it clear I wanted to reconcile, and of the two men who I reconciled with they both made it clear from the very first contact they wanted to reconcile. (Actually, now that I think of it, there was another one but I chose not to reconcile with him, so that's three.)

 

I didn't think less of them for not being "alpha males" or whatever. And when I was the dumper, it was frankly almost impossible NOT to ask for reconciliation once my mind was made up.

 

You know that feeling when you're in a relationship and you've fallen in love but you haven't said "I love you" yet? And for a while you're just fighting it back because you want to say it so badly? For me anyway, that's how hard it was NOT to ask for a reconciliation as a dumper. It takes WORK not say it, once you realize you want it, and especially when you're fairly certain your ex would be open to considering it.

 

People use a lot of excuses to explain away why their ex isn't asking to get back together.... that they're too prideful or too afraid of looking bad. But in reality, it's much easier to ask for another chance than it is to break up with someone!

[ASV]

I haven't read all the thread replies and I don't know if my post has passed unnoticed, but I think mine was a good answer to this. All in all, your ex is a person in which you have put enough trust to be that sincere and just demand that if anytime she is able to truly love you in return she can try to knock at your door. If not, ask her to let you and herself built your confidence again by staying NC and moving on until true feelings can already flourish.

 

(I cannot edit!)

 

I just told her I had seen all her facets and wouldn't conform to just friendship or sex alone, that we'd better not talk again until things could be fixed. She questioned why, I replied that I wanted the glorious times to return and she replied in return than "maybe when she clears up her mind I won't want her back". Who knows, maybe yes or maybe not, I told. And bye-bye. But after all the drama I've accelerated my healing process, though I really feel like sh*t. But that's just the bitter and jaded ol' good depressed me.

 

(Sorry for the mess and hope my experience helps someone).

[Jonp219]

Some dating sites say you can break NC months down the line if you're feeling indifferent towards them.

 

A good example is my friend Danny, he went through a break up with his girlfriend of 5 years, (he was the dumpee) then after 2-3 months he contacted her and they worked it out. However, things aren't working out for them because my friend Danny doesn't change, he continues to be irresponsible.

 

So does it depend??

[Pixel_Hugs]

RUBY65

 

I've been struggling with this for almost two weeks. I guess every situation is different.

 

I dated someone for just a few weeks but saw some red flags after an early confrontation so I told her we shouldn't see each other.

 

I regret it,a lot and want another chance. I made an attempt once last week via a not so subtle, almost grand gesture which I though was being different but most thought it just pushed her away.

 

If I were dumped I'd lean more towards keeping away. As the dumper however, I feel the only way to reconcile is for me to be the one to take the risk because I highly doubt she will come forward even if she wanted to.

 

I'm trying to sit on it another week but I'm conflicted. Honestly, at this point I don't even know what to say and I'm hesitant because I am a little nervous

Edited March 3, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[Pixel_Hugs]

Some dating sites say you can break NC months down the line if you're feeling indifferent towards them.

 

A good example is my friend Danny, he went through a break up with his girlfriend of 5 years, (he was the dumpee) then after 2-3 months he contacted her and they worked it out. However, things aren't working out for them because my friend Danny doesn't change, he continues to be irresponsible.

 

So does it depend??

 

 

It does. No matter if your the dumpee or dumper you can't go back if the problems or issues that caused the break up in the first place still exist.

It'll just be a vicious cycle.

 

I think this is the biggest mistake people make when they try to reconcile a relationship. They just go back but nothing has changed.

 

My situation was a small bit different. I wasn't in a relationship. We dated a few weeks. We were just getting to know each other. However, I still did learn a little something about myself and would take a different approach if I were given a second chance in getting to know her.

[AprilTears]

The one that brought me here was similar. I definitely played a large part in why she dumped me, and I completely owned up to my part of what happened plus gave her detailed descriptions of why it happened (as you saw from my last post I tend to do that) so she had all the info. She from there chose to stick with her decision. That's fine -- but I would have certainly expect the same courtesy in her explanation process that I gave her before making any moves when I was still vulnerable. Now I couldn't care less and could have a conversation with her about whatever if I chose, but at that time, no chance I would let her be able to limp in when I came correct.

 

What if you feel like you are both?

 

Mine is weird (or maybe not). I did something to piss off my boyfriend and he went dark leaving me clueless and wondering what happened. After an agonizing amount of days passed by I finally got it out of him. I apologized, explained what prompted me to act how I did and he ignored me for many more days. I gave space then engaged him again. He said we would discuss it then blew me off for several more days at which point I ended it. When I ended it he told me that he didn't buy my apology or explanation but appreciated me trying. I immediately went no contact.

 

During the days of silence I did ask if he wanted to break up and he said no. His actions said otherwise and he eventually showed me that he could care less if we were together or not. So I felt like he forced me to end it even though I did not want us to end. So, I feel like I was the dumpee for weeks while trying to resolve the issue then when I reached my limit I delivered my final message becoming the dumper. :eek:

 

I still want him but will not contact him. I know he won't contact me because he feels dumped or because this is what he wanted all along and just didn't want to be the dumper even though he kind of is.

Edited March 3, 2015 by AprilTears

[Pixel_Hugs]

What if you feel like you are both?

 

Mine is weird (or maybe not). I did something to piss off my boyfriend and he went dark leaving me clueless and wondering what happened. After an agonizing amount of days passed by I finally got it out of him. I apologized, explained what prompted me to act how I did and he ignored me for many more days. I gave space then engaged him again. He said we would discuss it then blew me off for several more days at which point I ended it. When I ended it he told me that he didn't buy my apology or explanation but appreciated me trying. I immediately went no contact.

 

During the days of silence I did ask if he wanted to break up and he said no. His actions said otherwise and he eventually showed me that he could care less if we were together or not. So I felt like he forced me to end it even though I did not want us to end. So, I feel like I was the dumpee for weeks while trying to resolve the issue then when I reached my limit I delivered my final message becoming the dumper. :eek:

 

I still want him but will not contact him. I know he won't contact me because he feels dumped or because this is what he wanted all along and just didn't want to be the dumper even though he kind of is.

 

Not knowing the circumstances or details of what you did. Did you truly learn from your mistake and mean the apology?

 

If the answers are yes. It's sounds to me that you put forth the effort and now he's risking losing you forever by waiting too long to show you some attention and to forgive you. No matter what his reasons for behaving like this I think the reality is that he risks losing you. However, if you lost his trust it may be harder for him then some people and maybe he needs more time.

[Simon Phoenix]

Perhaps they want to be an adult and respect your space and not come off as intrusive, no? They hear silence, that's their answer. We advise dumpees all the time to do this.

 

But we advise the few dumpers that come on here to be aggressive if they truly want to reconcile. Dumpers and dumpees do not get the same advice in these situations.

 

Letting go of hope is one thing, telling someone to ignore their ex when they reach out for the first time with some level of interest I think is a bit extreme. At least see what it's all about. Obviously if a person isn't able to accept the possible consequences it might be in their best interest not to.

 

Yeah, I will never agree with this type of thinking at all. It's dangerous and reckless in fresh breakups. The success rate, or lack of it, is not worth the risk at that point of the break. Later, when things have settled down and healed, then it could be different. I've been extremely consistent about that. I do think that you forget who your audience is when you peddle this advice. The last sentence eliminates 95% of the people that come to this board.

 

I think you are taking this just a bit too far. All I said was if an ex reaches out after a period of time, or in a way that's indicative of interest, a dumpee who seeks reconciliation should hear them out just once.

 

Maybe we just don't see eye to eye on this.

 

We clearly don't, and that's ok. I just think your philosophy on this is way too risky when dealing with the majority demographic on this board.

[Simon Phoenix]

I didn't read the whole 45 pages of this thread say I am sure I'm missing a lot here plus I'm half asleep so pardon me if I'm not reading this correctly or misunderstand.

 

I have read a other threads, have watched life coaches speak, and have had my own recent experiences.

 

It seems that if a women is the dumper she has to 'earn' her way back. A simple I miss you or how are you isn't good enough. That she needs to do much more then bring the appetizer. She needs to bring the steak.....

It's sounds like the woman needs to do some major kissing ass. Everyone wants the women to go outside her comfort zone to do the extra ordinary.

 

Why is it that when men do the dumping and want to reconcile it's make no contact, don't submit yourself to such humiliation. Don't risk your pride, have more respect for yourself, keep your dignity, be an Alpha male, indifference is your best bargaining chip...etc, etc...

 

I think everyone and every situation is different. You can't expect so much and shouldn't make people kiss your ass. If you wait too long to hear what you want to hear or for her to earn your particular level of respect she may just turn and walk away and you'll miss that boat forever.

 

I think with big risk comes big rewards and you sometimes have to risk your dignity or even stepping five steps backwards in your road to recovery. I also think forgiveness goes a long way. So what if all she says is 'I miss you'.. she is opening the door.

 

I haven't seen gender-based advice on this board at least. It's dumper/dumpee advice, not man/woman advice. And all you are saying about risk applies more to the dumper than the dumpee. It has nothing to do with making the dumper "kiss your ass". It has to do with the dumper showing you the proper amount of respect and fully grasping the consequences of their original action. If they can't do that, then they don't deserve to have you back.

 

But yeah, this notion that the dumpee has to put themselves completely on the line to fix a situation that was on the dumper is ludicrous to me. If you want to spend your time chasing after "I miss yous" have fun, but it's not going to be pretty for you. Personally, I'd rather they bring something legitimate to the table. You have to earn my time, just like I'd have to earn yours if the situation was reversed.

[AprilTears]

Not knowing the circumstances or details of what you did. Did you truly learn from your mistake and mean the apology?

 

If the answers are yes. It's sounds to me that you put forth the effort and now he's risking losing you forever by waiting too long to show you some attention and to forgive you. No matter what his reasons for behaving like this I think the reality is that he risks losing you. However, if you lost his trust it may be harder for him then some people and maybe he needs more time.

 

Absolutely I meant it. I felt bad (I called him a name after a night of drinking). We were arguing, he knows how to push my buttons and he did and I cracked. He thinks it was a glimpse of my true characther and that it has a much deeper meaning than what it did. And he is dead serious. He legitimately thinks it's a warning sign of worst things to come.

 

I have forgiven him for much, much worse (no infidelity but mind games: disappearing, silent treatments). He had two back to back bad break ups before me. I got him and a lot of emotional baggage.

[Simon Phoenix]

What if you feel like you are both?

 

Mine is weird (or maybe not). I did something to piss off my boyfriend and he went dark leaving me clueless and wondering what happened. After an agonizing amount of days passed by I finally got it out of him. I apologized, explained what prompted me to act how I did and he ignored me for many more days. I gave space then engaged him again. He said we would discuss it then blew me off for several more days at which point I ended it. When I ended it he told me that he didn't buy my apology or explanation but appreciated me trying. I immediately went no contact.

 

During the days of silence I did ask if he wanted to break up and he said no. His actions said otherwise and he eventually showed me that he could care less if we were together or not. So I felt like he forced me to end it even though I did not want us to end. So, I feel like I was the dumpee for weeks while trying to resolve the issue then when I reached my limit I delivered my final message becoming the dumper. :eek:

 

I still want him but will not contact him. I know he won't contact me because he feels dumped or because this is what he wanted all along and just didn't want to be the dumper even though he kind of is.

 

You're a forced dumper, which is basically like being the dumpee. That was covered in my way-too-long manifesto on the last page. You explained yourself, nothing you can do. Plus, as a dumper (even though it's of a forced variety), why the hell would you want to go back anyway? Instead of working things out with you, he put up a shell and shunned you. Do you really think that behavior has changed in the short time you've been broken up?

 

It sucks, but there's no point in you opening lines of communication UNLESS you've decided that you truly don't care about being treated like crap. I doubt that's what you want though.

[AprilTears]

You're a forced dumper, which is basically like being the dumpee. That was covered in my way-too-long manifesto on the last page. You explained yourself, nothing you can do. Plus, as a dumper (even though it's of a forced variety), why the hell would you want to go back anyway? Instead of working things out with you, he put up a shell and shunned you. Do you really think that behavior has changed in the short time you've been broken up?

 

It sucks, but there's no point in you opening lines of communication UNLESS you've decided that you truly don't care about being treated like crap. I doubt that's what you want though.

 

Best thing I have read since I came to this site a few short days ago. It's exactly what I know (in my head) but as you know the heart is slow to follow. My wanting him back is my heart speaking.

 

I don't see him ever changing his behavior. I know the relationship was not healthy for me but I stayed anyway. Until now. I will not open the lines of communication and I am so glad you replied with what you did because I was debating if I should or not after reading this thread.

 

Thank you!

[Pixel_Hugs]

I haven't seen gender-based advice on this board at least. It's dumper/dumpee advice, not man/woman advice. And all you are saying about risk applies more to the dumper than the dumpee. It has nothing to do with making the dumper "kiss your ass". It has to do with the dumper showing you the proper amount of respect and fully grasping the consequences of their original action. If they can't do that, then they don't deserve to have you back.

 

But yeah, this notion that the dumpee has to put themselves completely on the line to fix a situation that was on the dumper is ludicrous to me. If you want to spend your time chasing after "I miss yous" have fun, but it's not going to be pretty for you. Personally, I'd rather they bring something legitimate to the table. You have to earn my time, just like I'd have to earn yours if the situation was reversed.

 

 

If someone is coming to you saying 'I miss you" how are you doing the chasing? They came to you. When you say that isn't good enough then you are expecting a certain level of ass kicking. Your essentially saying...nope, not good enough show me more. You want it bad enough lets see what you have.

 

Bringing something legitimate to the table? What is that exactly and who decides?

 

I was using the man / women example because I was referring to that situation. Men are often given the opposite advise as women are and men often give the opposite advise that women do. You see it here in this thread. I've seen it in my own life speaking to people face to face.

 

No one has to do anything to earn my time. Maybe it's a matter of semantics. Some people don't have it in them to go the extra mile. Someone really shy and timid may only have "I am sorry" or "I miss you" to bring to the table. For them that may be a lot. Just picking up the phone may be a huge thing to some people. Earning time is different then deserving my time in my opinion. You deserve my time my showing an equal or greater level of interest and respect. Deserving your time doesn't have to always involve jumping through hoops.

 

I think most people hear are standing on a ledge weighing risk. We understand the risk but we weigh on whether to jump off or not and we seek advise on it. There is always risk. By not taking any action at all you can at times risk, by taking action your at risk. Depending on the situation the risk scale can be heavier on either side.

Some advise appears to come from a deep, jaded place that no longer can trust. We risk the greatest things for the greatest rewards particularly with matters of the heart. No matter how experienced you are you will always make mistakes again, again and again but sometimes you need to throw yourself off the ledge.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[Simon Phoenix]

If someone is coming to you saying 'I miss you" how are you doing the chasing? They came to you. When you say that isn't good enough then you are expecting a certain level of ass kicking. Your essentially saying...nope, not good enough show me more. You want it bad enough lets see what you have.

 

Bringing something legitimate to the table? What is that exactly and who decides?

 

I was using the man / women example because I was referring to that situation. Men are often given the opposite advise as women are and men often give the opposite advise that women do. You see it here in this thread. I've seen it in my own life speaking to people face to face.

 

No one has to do anything to earn my time. Maybe it's a matter of semantics. Some people don't have it in them to go the extra mile. Someone really shy and timid may only have "I am sorry" or "I miss you" to bring to the table. For them that may be a lot. Just picking up the phone may be a huge thing to some people. Earning time is different then deserving my time in my opinion. You deserve my time my showing an equal or greater level of interest and respect. Deserving your time doesn't have to always involve jumping through hoops.

 

"I miss you" are just words and don't necessarily mean anything as far as reconciliation. In fact, the vast majority of the time it doesn't. "I miss you" in the early stages of a breakup almost always means they miss the camaraderie that comes from being away from a person that they spent an extended amount of time in their life with and formed a bond with. It does not mean they want to try again. If they want to try again, they will be a lot more forthcoming than "I miss you". Jumping all over an "I miss you" and pretending it means something is one of the fundamental rookie mistakes of being a dumpee. All dumpers miss their dumpees on some level -- otherwise they wouldn't have shared an intimate past with them. It's really not this grand admission of anything. Hell, half the time it's sent in a drunken stupor (yes, I've done this).

 

And the "oh, they're too shy" thing doesn't hold water to me at all. They weren't too shy to dump you, were they? I'm sorry, being "shy" does not mean that you get to have your hand held by the person whose heart you've broken while you decide what you want. That's not cool in the least. It has nothing to do with jumping through hoops -- it has to do with facing the consequences of your decision, of being an adult. You break it, you fix it.

 

Of course, if you are healed/indifferent, then I think it's ok to respond to an "I miss you" if you want to. If the ex that brought me here sent me something like that at this point, I would feel absolutely fine about responding because I don't care anymore. My response would probably be something like "How drunk are you?" with maybe a smiley on the end if I'm feeling sarcastic.

 

I believe in being bold. But there's a difference in being bold and being reckless. Fortifying your defenses and stocking up your army, then invading, is bold. Running solo into a group of oncoming warriors with swords and knives is reckless. For recent dumpees, chasing after an "I miss you" or something of the like is reckless. Getting your house in order, fortifying your defenses and eventually probing an "I miss you" with a full battalion behind you for support is bold.

 

And you decided to go with the cliche' "you all must be jaded" argument. I'm not jaded, I'm just realistic and have experienced this from all angles in my personal life, in dealing with family and friends, and by being on this website. Life is not a romantic comedy. It'd be nicer if it was, but it's not. Stuff that makes for a happy ending in the movies causes you to fall flat on your face in real life. Wile E. Coyote never dies in the cartoons because it's a fictional cartoon. In real life he'd have been roadkill years ago.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[RLG]

What Happens if the begging ..pleading was already done?

[Simon Phoenix]

What Happens if the begging ..pleading was already done?

 

Stop begging and pleading immediately and stay out of contact.

[Cedar27]

"I miss you" are just words and don't necessarily mean anything as far as reconciliation. In fact, the vast majority of the time it doesn't. "I miss you" in the early stages of a breakup almost always means they miss the camaraderie that comes from being away from a person that they spent an extended amount of time in their life with and formed a bond with. It does not mean they want to try again. If they want to try again, they will be a lot more forthcoming than "I miss you". Jumping all over an "I miss you" and pretending it means something is one of the fundamental rookie mistakes of being a dumpee. All dumpers miss their dumpees on some level -- otherwise they wouldn't have shared an intimate past with them. It's really not this grand admission of anything. Hell, half the time it's sent in a drunken stupor (yes, I've done this).

 

And the "oh, they're too shy" thing doesn't hold water to me at all. They weren't too shy to dump you, were they? I'm sorry, being "shy" does not mean that you get to have your hand held by the person whose heart you've broken while you decide what you want. That's not cool in the least. It has nothing to do with jumping through hoops -- it has to do with facing the consequences of your decision, of being an adult. You break it, you fix it.

 

Of course, if you are healed/indifferent, then I think it's ok to respond to an "I miss you" if you want to. If the ex that brought me here sent me something like that at this point, I would feel absolutely fine about responding because I don't care anymore. My response would probably be something like "How drunk are you?" with maybe a smiley on the end if I'm feeling sarcastic.

 

I believe in being bold. But there's a difference in being bold and being reckless. Fortifying your defenses and stocking up your army, then invading, is bold. Running solo into a group of oncoming warriors with swords and knives is reckless. For recent dumpees, chasing after an "I miss you" or something of the like is reckless. Getting your house in order, fortifying your defenses and eventually probing an "I miss you" with a full battalion behind you for support is bold.

 

And you decided to go with the cliche' "you all must be jaded" argument. I'm not jaded, I'm just realistic and have experienced this from all angles in my personal life, in dealing with family and friends, and by being on this website. Life is not a romantic comedy. It'd be nicer if it was, but it's not. Stuff that makes for a happy ending in the movies causes you to fall flat on your face in real life. Wile E. Coyote never dies in the cartoons because it's a fictional cartoon. In real life he'd have been roadkill years ago.

 

I guess I would just know for my personal situation, if my ex sent me an "I miss you" text I would immediately realize she wanted me back. Then again, my ex is rather mature and not as psycho as some of the exes i've read about here. She was clear soon after we broke up that she needs NC unless she's ready for me. She didn't want to remain friends. She needs space, and lots of it. We tried a couple of times to do LC but it just doesn't seem like it's going to work for both of us for now, for obvious reasons (I want her back, she wants to be single and sort through the issues she's going through).

 

I guess I just don't understand why anyone, who has just broken up with someone would reach out with "I miss you's" and check ins. You guys are broken up, why the hell would you want to do that. What purpose does that serve and how screwed up are you? I suppose everyone is different and there are very rare exceptions where people can remain friends, etc. Even still, I think any ex who reaches out like that to someone who they just dumped, and they have no intention of getting back together, has some serious problems with boundaries and selfishness.

 

I think it all has to do with maturity, and i'm slowly beginning to realize that many people that come to this site are in immature relationships full of games, push/pull tactics, and just overall chaos. I guess it's just a different crowd than i'm used to surrounding myself with.

 

Maybe it's a learning curve I am going to have to get through. I still believe in what I said before, but i'm beginning to think it may not apply to a lot of the people here.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Cedar27

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess I would just know for my personal situation, if my ex sent me an "I miss you" text I would immediately realize she wanted me back. Then again, my ex is rather mature and not as psycho as some of the exes i've read about here. She was clear soon after we broke up that she needs NC unless she's ready for me. She didn't want to remain friends. She needs space, and lots of it. We tried a couple of times to do LC but it just doesn't seem like it's going to work for both of us for now, for obvious reasons (I want her back, she wants to be single and sort through the issues she's going through).

 

I guess I just don't understand why anyone, who has just broken up with someone would reach out with "I miss you's" and check ins. You guys are broken up, why the hell would you want to do that. What purpose does that serve and how screwed up are you? I suppose everyone is different and there are very rare exceptions where people can remain friends, etc. Even still, I think any ex who reaches out like that to someone who they just dumped, and they have no intention of getting back together, has some serious problems with boundaries and selfishness.

 

I think it all has to do with maturity, and i'm slowly beginning to realize that many people that come to this site are in immature relationships full of games, push/pull tactics, and just overall chaos. I guess it's just a different crowd than i'm used to surrounding myself with.

 

Maybe it's a learning curve I am going to have to get through. I still believe in what I said before, but i'm beginning to think it may not apply to a lot of the people here.

 

I don't think the ex's that say "I miss you" a lot of times don't mean it. They just don't necessarily mean it in the way that the dumpees hope they mean it. Dumping isn't easy for dumpers, there is a loss that's felt there and sometimes, they don't think about the signals a statement like "I miss you" can give. Either it's due to impulse (being sad about something else or tipsy) or it's because they incorrectly expect the dumpee to understand the way in which they miss them (as friends, not lovers).

 

And, like you've said, there are immature exes who look to wean themselves off the person they dumped or who check in out of curiousity and ego. Unfortunately, especially on sites such as this one, this seems to be common. The dumpee doesn't get why the dumper does it because in the dumpee's mind, it's all about reconciliation. The dumper doesn't get why it messes with the dumpee because in the dumper's mind, the relationship is over. One of the biggest mistakes made by both parties is assuming that the other party is on the same page.

 

Like I've said before, I have no problem with answering if you have recovered and are healed. That's just not the way it is for most posters asking for advice on a site like this. And that's when "I miss you" often sets in motion a harmful chain of events.

[CrystalShine2011]

Great post.

[quattrob]

My ex msged me saying she misses me, did it mean she wanted to reconcile. Nope. Simple answer to why she told me that was she's selfish and she wanted attention because she was lonely.

 

Alot of people do this guys and girls. Some do it because of immaturity, all of them do it out of selfishness.

[erklat]

she wants to be single and sort through the issues she's going through).

 

Dude, are you really buying into this crab?

 

I never dumped no matter what problems I had.

I dumped once I didn't care anymore for them.

Edited March 4, 2015 by erklat

[Cedar27]

Dude, are you really buying into this crab?

 

I never dumped no matter what problems I had.

I dumped once I didn't care anymore for them.

 

I am taking her for her word because it makes sense for our situation.

 

Obviously the relationship hit a rough patch where things became routine and dull. Honeymoon phase was over. She's never lived on her own before in her life, I was the first long term BF, she needs time to be single. We spent nearly every day together for 3 years. Break up was overwhelming and at times messy since we were living together. I'm not buying into any "Crap" at all. I'm pissed off at her that she didn't want to work on things, but to be honest I was somewhat neglectful in the relationship too. We both played a role I suppose. Maybe she is over me for good. Who knows. For now it's NC.

 

Could be GIGS, could be whatever, I really don't think she knows. She is young and confused and frankly, says she needs to single for right now and doesn't know who she is. Are you saying the young twenty somethings with no life experience don't go through this?

 

Maybe people like you dump others when you don't care for them anymore, that's pretty common. I think some people do it out of fear, immaturity, GIGS, confusion, loss of attraction, or a combination of everything above including not caring. Who's to say why it went down the way it did, if you ask me I think she realized that the relationship took work and persistence and the "fun" wore off. I met her when she was like 20 and still living at home, I don't think she knew what she was in for.

 

I'm learning very quickly on this forum that people are prone to view relationships in a very distorted and unrealistic way and when the honeymoon phase is over and things settle down they view that as a red flag, when honestly it's to be expected. Maybe she needs to go out and experience the world, get knocked down a few times by a-hole men if that's what it takes, and then maybe she'll come back. I'm not holding my breath.

 

Not every situation is cut and dry, but you could be right. I'm not a mind reader.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Cedar27

[Ronnie55]

One of the biggest mistakes made by both parties is assuming that the other party is on the same page.

 

 

I've read this whole thread and I have to agree with Cedar on this debate. I feel that entertaining breadcrumbs once after a certain amount of time is not the worst idea ever. Some people can be shy and struggle speaking up about their feelings... so a simple "I miss you" could mean a lot more. If they are ignored, they could feel like the dumpee is mad at them, or hates them, and finally move on.

 

When you say that if they want you back they will let you know directly and bring the steak, that is a complete assumption. You're assuming that they're on the same page as what you're thinking. Everyone is unique in their own way. I don't think your advice pertains to everyones situation. For example a shy dumper who struggles with speaking up about their feelings.

 

#teamcedar

[Simon Phoenix]

I've read this whole thread and I have to agree with Cedar on this debate. I feel that entertaining breadcrumbs once after a certain amount of time is not the worst idea ever. Some people can be shy and struggle speaking up about their feelings... so a simple "I miss you" could mean a lot more. If they are ignored, they could feel like the dumpee is mad at them, or hates them, and finally move on.

 

When you say that if they want you back they will let you know directly and bring the steak, that is a complete assumption. You're assuming that they're on the same page as what you're thinking. Everyone is unique in their own way. I don't think your advice pertains to everyones situation. For example a shy dumper who struggles with speaking up about their feelings.

 

#teamcedar

 

I'm not going to go back into it, but I've said if enough time has passed and you've healed and moved past it, then sure. The problem is that most people who come to sites like this aren't at that stage. You're talking about Game Theory when people are still trying to learn their times tables.

 

As for the assumption, once again, it's not the dumpees job to hold the dumper's hand. And I don't buy the shy thing -- they weren't shy enough to dump, they can overcome it again if they feel like it.

 

But to clarify again: My advice pertains to dumpees who are still IN RECOVERY, which is the vast majority that populate sites like this. If you are to the point where you are cool with things either way, than do what you want.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Simon Phoenix