If you want them back.

[somedude81]

It's been about 3 months since I was dumped and I'm beginning to see things more clearly now. I would say that 99% of the time, there are two reasons why people dump their partner:

 

1. They aren't compatible. Different life goals, political views and so on cause constant fights. The dumper checks out of the relationship emotionally and want to spend less and less time together. The red flags are usually everywhere.

 

When this happens, it's usually for the best. Even if the dumpee initially is very upset, he/she will most likely sooner or later realise that it was bound to happen.

 

2. They are bored. This is basically GIGS. The dumper still loves the dumpee, but can't resist the temptation of pursuing a new relationship. After all, if you have so strong feelings for someone else, your current partner can't be your soulmate! The dumper desperately hopes that the feelings will go away if they spend more time with the dumpee. When they realise that it doesn't help, they pull the trigger, and the dumpee is taken completely off guard.

 

My theory is that the bored dumpers often make a last attempt to "fix" things, such as having more sex and doing fun stuff together. However, they can't seem to enjoy these moments, because they are thinking of someone else. They aren't happy. And what's even worse, they feel guilt and shame, because they're pretty much faking that everything is okay.

So when they finally dump the dumpee, they feel so relieved. They don't have to fake it anymore, the obstacle is gone. They can finally do what they want.

 

But after a while, many bored dumpers will realise that the new relationship isn't better. And they tell themselves "my soulmate must still be out there". So they try another relationship. And another. And one day it isn't exciting anymore, it's just the same thing over and over. This is when they realise what they once had.

 

I'm convinced NC speeds up this process. As long as you respond to breadcrumbs, the dumper is convinced that he/she could get you back. It's like... if you're watching a movie at home and need to pee, you can usually wait until the movie is over, because you know that there's a toilet in vicinity. But if you're on a subway train, stuck in a dark tunnel, it feels like you're going to pee your pants if you don't find a toilet quickly. Going NC moves the dumper from the couch to the subway train.

None, of those apply to my break up. We were very compatible in many areas and never fought. And I'm pretty sure she's still single. So the reason why we broke up is

 

3. Other

 

No one forgets about anyone they date. Six weeks, six months, six years, they don't ever completely leave. I know a couple that dated for four months in high school, broke up, moved on, got married to other people, divorced, ran back into each other over a decade later and now are going to get married to each other.

 

I'm not telling you that to give you hope (your hope went bye-bye when you couldn't leave well enough alone and kept after your ex), but just to tell you for the next time (which unfortunately will probably come down the road). People might move on, but they never forget.

Thanks Simon. It does feel a little better believing that she will never forget me, and that I did mean something to her.

 

And yes I know that there is no hope of us getting back together. Frankly, I never believed I had any hope of getting her back, which is the main reason why I freaked out.

[hudson701]

You 'banal' reply is not really banal because you're still emotionally invested. That's why you ignore it.

 

Oh, and speaking as a woman, I don't need to be 'coaxed' into telling a guy I like him. No woman does. Hot tip: if she wants you, you will tell you. Loudly. Succinctly. No BS.

 

I've been no contact before and it worked excellently for me, so lesson learnt and I'll never be one to imitate first contact. Only hours after splitting last week every possible reminder of her was destroyed including all contact routes, that bit was relatively easy..

 

So what your saying is keep ignoring every breadcrumb until I get the definitive 'let's sort this out now immediately' type text?

[hudson701]

Honestly, it's best to say nothing at all.

 

Because if they are serious about getting back together, they will come a banging on your door.

 

Trust me, I've seen it and it's happened to me.

 

And if they don't, you have your answer.

 

If you are going to reply at all, which again you shouldn't, but I know you probably aren't going to listen, you need to seem as happy as ever, say nothing about anything geared toward the relationship, and keep it as short and as sweet as possible. Seriously.

 

You have to appear "gone". & they have to work for it, because they will if they want it bad enough.

 

You just do you in the meantime.

 

No I will listen, I've gone no contact before with excellent success so I'm rock solid in that department. I'm very much 'what I don't know doesn't hurt me' kind of outlook- I learn fast.

 

So basically hold off on everything until it's the 'let's sort this out now' text?

[d0cholliday]

No I will listen, I've gone no contact before with excellent success so I'm rock solid in that department. I'm very much 'what I don't know doesn't hurt me' kind of outlook- I learn fast.

 

So basically hold off on everything until it's the 'let's sort this out now' text?

 

 

Sure, that's the right thing to do, if you believe she is capable of doing that. As it seems you have no problem with NC, and you can control yourself, ignoring breadcrumbs, that's a good sign, so think about it, and give yourself a week or two, or more if you think you need it. This all depends what kind of person is she. If she can admit to her mistakes, then wait for her to do it, and move on with your life while you wait, if she can't do that, then you need to decide what you want, and focus on getting the thing you want. The rule is pretty much valid for everything in life...

 

Remember no matter what, you will come out as a winner from all of this. Everyone is prepared to gamble if the stakes are good enough. So its up to you what you want to do, do you want to gamble, or you want to go seperate ways. Of course ask yourself is that what you really want, and what do you think is right thing to do...

 

Good luck

[hudson701]

Some excellent advice in this thread so far, thanks everyone, it really is taking the edge off my emotional, irrational thoughts at the moment and calming my mind, despite me being a veteran of the NC rule and implementing it successfully. It doesn't get any easier!

 

Quite petty but I bought her a very expensive gift for valentines, then shortly after we broke up as she needed 'space'. I feel like a complete mug for

Buying the gift (£1000 $1700!) and feel like asking for it back but I know that's not the thing to do. I do wonder though if she has any shred of moral decency will she feel any guilt over accepting it, despite me insisting at the time? Or could she really be that callous and shallow? It boils my blood!

[pickflicker]

I've been no contact before and it worked excellently for me, so lesson learnt and I'll never be one to imitate first contact. Only hours after splitting last week every possible reminder of her was destroyed including all contact routes, that bit was relatively easy..

 

So what your saying is keep ignoring every breadcrumb until I get the definitive 'let's sort this out now immediately' type text?

 

Correct

...

[AlphaC]

basically, if you want them back, get to a place you dont want them back

 

This makes zero sense!! If you want them back it means you are not ready to let them go, that's it.

 

Stop over complicating things!! This whole thread has been all men. Each and every one of my ex's have TRIED, none have succeeded, to get me back. Some have succeeded in getting me to sleep with them but I have not taking any of them back, at some point you will all understand why this is, just like the OP, it's never the same, the cat is out of the bag.

 

Here is how I got all my ex's crawling back!! It's very simple, just realize your worth!!! I said to myself over and over, "if someone wants to walk out of my life, let them go." I reminded myself of this over and over, I deleted (not put in a box and store in the attic BS that a lot of people here are suggesting), I deleted all her pics from social media, my computer and my phone. I left the past where it belongs, each prior relationship taught me something that contributed to my present. The present, this is all you have.

 

We live in the present, stop thinking about the past. While each and every one of you men is reminiscing about the past your ex is out with her new man, enjoying her life, writing a new chapter in her life. Don't get stuck !!

 

My advice is move on, not pretend to move on, pretending to move on will hurt you and keep you down. Don't look back, don't do anything to get them back, don't talk to them, don't respond to their messages, don't ask about them, NADA. Think about yourself. I am a strong man (emotionally and physically) and I believe that if a woman doesn't want to be with you, then she is not for you, get that into your head!!

 

All the women crying for their ex's on this site are not crying over some loser wimp who wants to be with them, they are crying for the man who moved on with his life after their relationship ended, do your own research. Stop with the BS excuses, she left because her dog, father, aunt, uncle died, blah blah blah. She left me because we had a LDR and she needed to focus on her exams. You want to know why she left you, she left you because "SHE FELT LIKE LEAVING YOU!!!!" That's it, you don't need closure from your ex, you need to keep moving forward.

 

The only thing I would take to the bank is the following "she is your ex for a reason." Stop worrying about her, stop crying for her, be a man, live your life, be in the present and you will attract all the women you want, peace!

[thefear]

Here's my situation. 1.5 year relationship, she broke up with me 5 months ago. I was dumped mostly because I took her for granted and she lost her feelings. NC for about 3 months. I begged a bit on and off, but it could've been worse.

 

She has told my cousin and our mutual friends the classic 'I hope we can be friends' line. She's clearly happy at the moment and doing well, she's made friends and I'm pretty sure in her mind she sees the man who was begging her back 3 months ago.

 

I can't deny I want her back.

 

If I regain myself, get my confidence back, fix my darn ass up and let go and get on with my life..is there a chance she'd come back?

 

Or am I a lost cause?

 

I see the hole in my logic, I just want to move on. I just want to know if she might come back if I successfully do all that.

Edited February 26, 2014 by thefear

[organizedchaos]

Here's my situation. 1.5 year relationship, she broke up with me 5 months ago. I was dumped mostly because I took her for granted and she lost her feelings. NC for about 3 months. I begged a bit on and off, but it could've been worse.

 

She has told my cousin and our mutual friends the classic 'I hope we can be friends' line. She's clearly happy at the moment and doing well, she's made friends and I'm pretty sure in her mind she sees the man who was begging her back 3 months ago.

 

I can't deny I want her back.

 

If I regain myself, get my confidence back, fix my darn ass up and let go and get on with my life..is there a chance she'd come back?

 

Or am I a lost cause?

 

I see the hole in my logic, I just want to move on. I just want to know if she might come back if I successfully do all that.

 

Neither you nor anyone here can possibly predict what your ex will do. Do all of that for yourself, not for her. And don't expect her to ever come back.

[Kevin_D]

While each and every one of you men is reminiscing about the past your ex is out with her new man, enjoying her life, writing a new chapter in her life.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right. That's because most of them are irresponsible cowards, who "solve" problems by running away. These people get rid of all gifts and photos. They find distraction in a new partner. They pretend that the old relationship never happened.

 

These are the same people that move to another country when their parents get cancer, so they don't have to witness all the suffering.

 

Why? Because these people are *******s. I'll tell you my my definition of being a man:

 

Being a man is to accept that you are human. This person meant a lot to you and there is no quick fix. You are allowed to cry. You should feel sad. Because without sadness, happiness doesn't exist.

 

I spent 6 years with my ex. Then she decided to do a 180. That's her problem. I won't change my life because of her. The things we did together, I will continue to do on my own. I will keep watching the same movies, play the same games and sing the same songs. The more I try to erase, the more power she gets.

 

She can leave me, but she cannot change me by hurting me.

 

However, it's important that you try to move forward. Don't hope that your ex will come back, don't feel sorry for yourself, don't complain about it all the time... Use the extra time to get in shape and gain new skills.

[jphcbpa]

That's because most of them are irresponsible cowards, who "solve" problems by running away. They find distraction in a new partner. They pretend that the old relationship never happened.

 

 

In my case she was uncomfortable being comfortable. "Things get good/close, I get scared and pull away" <----her words.

[SCJACK]

In my case she was uncomfortable being comfortable. "Things get good/close, I get scared and pull away" <----her words.

 

Isn't that the point of relationships? Is to get close with someone and learn about them? Why get into a relationship that they aren't going to invest in. It'll only screw up friendships, trust, etc.

[jphcbpa]

Isn't that the point of relationships? Is to get close with someone and learn about them? Why get into a relationship that they aren't going to invest in. It'll only screw up friendships, trust, etc.

 

great question. yes, I can not trust her because she was always one foot out the door.

[Never Again]

Isn't that the point of relationships? Is to get close with someone and learn about them? Why get into a relationship that they aren't going to invest in. It'll only screw up friendships, trust, etc.

 

It is the point, but a lot of people aren't comfortable with REAL intimacy.

 

I'm not - well, at least I've developed that problem.

 

That sort of "fear" is a lack of self-esteem on some level. You don't want to let someone see the real you because revealing that kind of vulnerability and getting rejected hurts more than just pushing people away.

 

great question. yes, I can not trust her because she was always one foot out the door.

 

From experience, since I know you read that pretty lengthy abuse thread I wrote, is that people with one foot out the door can't trust themselves.

 

Their behavior can be all over the place, depending on their comfort level.

[WantanS4]

Yes, you're absolutely right. That's because most of them are irresponsible cowards, who "solve" problems by running away. These people get rid of all gifts and photos. They find distraction in a new partner. They pretend that the old relationship never happened.

 

These are the same people that move to another country when their parents get cancer, so they don't have to witness all the suffering.

 

Why? Because these people are *******s. I'll tell you my my definition of being a man:

 

Being a man is to accept that you are human. This person meant a lot to you and there is no quick fix. You are allowed to cry. You should feel sad. Because without sadness, happiness doesn't exist.

 

 

"Girls think a guy crying is weak... Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue."

 

Read it and weep girls... weep... Dating A Girl Vs. Dating A Woman [so Spot On] | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

Essentially my relationship never went anywhere because the 'girl' I was dating would never voice what she wanted (poor thing probably didn't even know) or come to the table to 'solve' the issues.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Yup. That's the case.

 

 

 

hey bro sorry I didn't see this, however it sounds like she is pulling NC on you, which I cant blame her.

 

 

did you come begging back? afterwards? since you're the dumper?

[LifeGoesOnMan]

No I will listen, I've gone no contact before with excellent success so I'm rock solid in that department. I'm very much 'what I don't know doesn't hurt me' kind of outlook- I learn fast.

 

So basically hold off on everything until it's the 'let's sort this out now' text?

 

 

 

exactly, but do NOT wait around. & DO NOT reply to anything less.

 

 

indifference, or the appearance of it, drives them mad.

 

 

 

seriously, they will not come back until you appear happy & GONE.

 

 

cheers*!

[WantanS4]

hey bro sorry I didn't see this, however it sounds like she is pulling NC on you, which I cant blame her.

 

 

did you come begging back? afterwards? since you're the dumper?

 

Sure did... OMG I did beg, please, rationalize, explain.

 

She rebounded. She point blank said "Leave it alone, nothing you say or do will change my mind. I'm moving on. Don't push this."

 

That was all I needed to hear to push my 'cease and desist'.

 

It's a cluster****... really, because now I walk past her and she never picks up her sight. She looks in the pits, but ever so often I hear her cracking up. It's sad.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Sure did... OMG I did beg, please, rationalize, explain.

 

She rebounded. She point blank said "Leave it alone, nothing you say or do will change my mind. I'm moving on. Don't push this."

 

That was all I needed to hear to push my 'cease and desist'.

 

It's a cluster****... really, because now I walk past her and she never picks up her sight. She looks in the pits, but ever so often I hear her cracking up. It's sad.

 

 

 

 

nothing you can do now.

 

 

let it be.

 

 

you f--ked up, as many other dumpers have learned after the fact, that..

 

 

the grass is not greener on the other side & you don't know what you've got until its gone.

 

 

goes both ways.

 

 

I am sorry that you have to live with your mistake.. for now.

 

 

whats meant to be, will be., you reached out, she declined. nothing else but NC & walk-on.

[WantanS4]

nothing you can do now.

 

 

let it be.

 

 

you f--ked up, as many other dumpers have learned after the fact, that..

 

 

the grass is not greener on the other side & you don't know what you've got until its gone.

 

 

goes both ways.

 

 

I am sorry that you have to live with your mistake.. for now.

 

 

whats meant to be, will be., you reached out, she declined. nothing else but NC & walk-on.

 

 

My friend... I didn't 'dump' for the sake of dumping. Hell no. I distinctly told her 'I have no more ideas of what to do. I don't know how to get this thing moving forward. I don't know what else to do.'

 

I 'broke-up' with the intent it was going to inspire thought. That was not the result. Instead, she rebounded.

 

The mistake is mutual. We both screwed it up.

 

Do I regret it, absolutely. But, I tried to put it back together, and I was mature about it at the end. I'm not shifting blame, I'm simply explaining (and providing an example) that there's a point where you just leave it alone and move forward, as I have.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

My friend... I didn't 'dump' for the sake of dumping. Hell no. I distinctly told her 'I have no more ideas of what to do. I don't know how to get this thing moving forward. I don't know what else to do.'

 

I 'broke-up' with the intent it was going to inspire thought. That was not the result. Instead, she rebounded.

 

The mistake is mutual. We both screwed it up.

 

Do I regret it, absolutely. But, I tried to put it back together, and I was mature about it at the end. I'm not shifting blame, I'm simply explaining (and providing an example) that there's a point where you just leave it alone and move forward, as I have.

 

 

I know man, we make stupid decisions when we are emotional.

 

 

however way you want to put it, or for whatever reason, you dumped her.

 

 

 

you learn from your mistakes, don't throw someone away to try to spark anything.

 

 

it don't work that way.

 

 

the correct way is to stay *together* and work it out.

 

 

she rebounded BECAUSE you dumped her.

 

 

do your thing man.

[Never Again]

exactly, but do NOT wait around. & DO NOT reply to anything less.

 

indifference, or the appearance of it, drives them mad.

 

seriously, they will not come back until you appear happy & GONE.

 

Emphasis here.

 

The mistake I made, and kept making, was appearing (and becoming) happy, but not being GONE.

 

After a very emotional post-BU talk where we both cried quite a bit (and I poured my heart out just to not leave anything unsaid...no begging, but I did try to reason with her by pointing out where I thought our problems were and saying they were fixable...whoops), I responded to 3 text messages. Nothing emotional and I tried to act as happy as ever, but I was overeager and didn't ignore or keep it short and sweet.

 

I wasn't indifferent. I was trying to be the happy, friendly guy I was when she and I had begun dating. Biiiiig mistake.

 

Not because it probably killed any chances of reconciliation (which it probably did), but because it held back my healing.

 

I was a miserable, sad sack for nearly 2 months and I let myself stay that way because I didn't let myself be GONE.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Emphasis here.

 

The mistake I made, and kept making, was appearing (and becoming) happy, but not being GONE.

 

After a very emotional post-BU talk where we both cried quite a bit (and I poured my heart out just to not leave anything unsaid...no begging, but I did try to reason with her by pointing out where I thought our problems were and saying they were fixable...whoops), I responded to 3 text messages. Nothing emotional and I tried to act as happy as ever, but I was overeager and didn't ignore or keep it short and sweet.

 

I wasn't indifferent. I was trying to be the happy, friendly guy I was when she and I had begun dating. Biiiiig mistake.

 

Not because it probably killed any chances of reconciliation (which it probably did), but because it held back my healing.

 

I was a miserable, sad sack for nearly 2 months and I let myself stay that way because I didn't let myself be GONE.

 

 

so be GONE my friend =) no better time than the present.

 

 

again, whats meant to be will be and every single couple that broke up & got back together when through the drama, the emotions, the back and forth, UNTIL you stop and walk away and if they don't chase, you keep walking.

[hudson701]

What's everyone's opinion on the NC strategy laid out in the EX2 system? That a woman's peak loneliness occurs after 3-4 weeks and this is when they are most

Likely to contact you? Or indeed it becomes safe to contact them?

[Simon Phoenix]

What's everyone's opinion on the NC strategy laid out in the EX2 system? That a woman's peak loneliness occurs after 3-4 weeks and this is when they are most

Likely to contact you? Or indeed it becomes safe to contact them?

 

Think it's a bunch of hogwash on both accounts.