Ok - Asked another way

[TheNewMe2014]

Since I didn't get much of a response to my last thread:

 

Is it appropriate to occasionally hire a sitter for the kids when you only have them 50% of the time?

 

I'm not saying regularly - I'm saying once or twice a month (maybe less - but not more).

[TaraMaiden]

How old are your children?

Have you actually tried asking THEM how they feel about it?

[Shocked Suzie]

Depends what it's for?? In the early days of the children adjusting I'd say only if it's work related then no it's not ok.

 

I have a friend who's partner does this and think it's wrong, he goes out with his GF... Although the babysitter is the child's grandparents so not all that bad. But can't understand why he wants his child 50/50 and dump her on his parents!

 

SS x

[TheNewMe2014]

Haven't asked the kids. Tried to keep details minimal since I think the long posts lose interest.

 

3 kids 6-10. I haven't asked the kids because this hasn't happened previously. But they typically like their sitters and it may also be grandparents.

 

Like I said, not planning to make it a regular occurrence. But sometimes plans don't fall on the week's youd like..no matter how much you try. I don't like leaving them..fyi.

[TaraMaiden]

The 6 year-old isn't going to use logic, and children of that age can be emotionally manipulative... that doesn't make them bad or naughty - it's just a self-preservation mechanism they use to safeguard their security. In their mind, if you absent yourself, they may feel they're not as loved as they'd like to be.

 

This of course, specifically regarding your child, is pure hypothesis. I'm just giving a profile of possible behaviour. Not a definite "your 6-year-old WILL do this" you understand....

 

The older children may be more logical, because emotionally, they'll be more capable of processing what you tell them.

It's worth chatting to them casually, one day. Don't make it a specific discussion topic.... just broach the subject of you needing your own life (not necessarily in those words, of course!)

[mammasita]

I dont think there's anything wrong with it.

 

As a parent your kids should always come first, but I see nothing wrong with allowing yourself a little "adult" time every so often when your schedule doesn't align.

 

My son is older now - so childcare is not really applicable BUT in the past I had no qualms about getting a sitter so I could have some "me" time (he was with me all week, every other weekend and many other times since his dad is military and deployed about once a year). That said, I would have questioned my son's father if he left our son with a sitter when he only had him twice a month.

 

In your case though, your time is 50/50 - I honestly don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. You're not "dumping" your kids off to go party. You're making plans as best you can and trying to find balance.

[d0nnivain]

It seems like you are putting your new lady friend & your desire to date ahead of your kids. I think you are actually trying NOT to do that but that's the way it looks.

 

 

Your kids' whole worlds have been turned upside down. They need stability & that means you, not a sitter.

 

 

If the sitter is family -- your parents or your siblings, their aunts & uncles, it's a little more understandable but even in the beginning of the relationship I think any good person would understand that the kids are a priority. On that instance where you have the kids 3 weekends in a row, maybe 1 Saturday night stay with the grandparents is fine but don't push it.

[Tripz]

NewMe, you have to still have a life. If you were doing it every other day on the days you have the kids, I'd think, um...perhaps you have a problem. But once in a while, why not. If you aren't out until the wee hours of the morning when you do go out. Of course, my son is old enough to stay at home on his own. I know my ex will run over to her boyfriend's apt for a few hours, when my son is at her house. He's playing on the xbox with his friends anyway, so even I don't see a huge problem with it. As long as she doesn't introduce her BF to my son and waits until it's my week to have him before the BF stays the night, it's her life.

 

That's just my opinion from what you told us.

[RightThere]

You're looking for a specific answer. So by leaving out the details, you're just looking for support.

 

You want to get a sitter on your weeks with your kids so you can go on dates with your new lady. That's basically it.

 

Can you do it? Of course you can.

 

Are you a bad parent for doing it during your time with your kids? If you feel bad about it, then you probably have your answer.

 

I have my daughter 50% of the time. If it's my week with her, everything else can go #$&@ a duck because she gets my undivided attention.

[TheNewMe2014]

thanks all. I respect all the opinions. To be honest, I'm not sure what I feel is truly the right answer. I fought for the 50/50 because I love my kids. But trying to make everything work out on a specific schedule is impossible (think of concerts, special events, etc.).

 

Keep in mind - it's typically leaving at 6-7 when the kids are in bed by 9. It's not like I'm 'dumping' them.

 

They are truly most important to me and I want to do right by them. I tend to be 'conservative' in my decisions and trying to not be so restrictive. Lots to ponder.

[TheNewMe2014]

I'm not looking for a specific answer. Trust me - you don't know me...I respect honest feedback. Having said that, sure..I'd love for some agreement that it's ok. But if it's not..I can accept that advice.

 

If you notice..I'm asking in advance of really doing this (granted I did it last weekend and ex brought concern up..so that's why I'm asking if I was wrong). For the previous year - didn't use a sitter at all period.

 

I am always late for work so I could be with the kids on/off bus, I worked from home on snow days rather than get sitters. Never missed a school function during the work day. My ex asked me to watch the kids I jumped every single time.

 

I don't want to turn this into what she does/what I do. But I'm there for them...

Edited February 24, 2014 by TheNewMe2014

[Shocked Suzie]

You're looking for a specific answer. So by leaving out the details, you're just looking for support.

 

You want to get a sitter on your weeks with your kids so you can go on dates with your new lady. That's basically it.

 

Can you do it? Of course you can.

 

Are you a bad parent for doing it during your time with your kids? If you feel bad about it, then you probably have your answer.

 

I have my daughter 50% of the time. If it's my week with her, everything else can go #$&@ a duck because she gets my undivided attention.

 

I agree with this 100%, unless it's work related and cannot be avoided then so be it. If children are young, adjusting to parents separating and so on.... Schedules should revolve around the the children not the other way around especially when there is free time away from them.

 

SS x

[TheBladeRunner]

You're looking for a specific answer. So by leaving out the details, you're just looking for support.

 

You want to get a sitter on your weeks with your kids so you can go on dates with your new lady. That's basically it.

 

Can you do it? Of course you can.

 

Are you a bad parent for doing it during your time with your kids? If you feel bad about it, then you probably have your answer.

 

I have my daughter 50% of the time. If it's my week with her, everything else can go #$&@ a duck because she gets my undivided attention.

 

Same here, 50/50. If they want to go out with me they need to work around that. If they however are 80%+, that I understand and I have even helped pay for sitters.

 

I do hire a sitter when my daughter is home sick though, but even that takes place with me here as I work at home. Kids and sales calls don't mix .

[TheNewMe2014]

Ok - so apparently the consensus is I'm wrong. I respect that. It provides some other perspective.

[Shocked Suzie]

Ok - so apparently the consensus is I'm wrong. I respect that. It provides some other perspective.

 

 

The beauty of LS

[Tripz]

I think you know you and your situation better than us, so only you can say what is truly best. I'm only on the 4th week of even having 50/50 custody and no where near ready to even start thinking about dating women or the headaches that all entails. However, thinking to the future, at some point I will have dates and women around me. I'd like to think that as an adult, I can make adult decisions that benefit me AND my son jointly.

 

There's another aspect to this that is important...If we are finding a renewed joy in seeing/dating other people, then that will transfer down to our children, as well. I think a healthy balance is appropriate in all things. Perhaps, only "date" on the weeks that you don't have your kids, to start, then see how things go with your relationships?

[TheNewMe2014]

Thanks everyone and I've considered all the opinions. While I realize it may be unpopular - I believe knowing my situations is most important.

 

I know my children and I know myself. I don't think I'd leave them in a situation where it appeared I was abandoning them. I also know I wouldn't do it on a regular basis.

 

But I also realize trying to compartmentalize everything into a certain schedule - dating, not dating, work, etc...doesn't work. I'm under the impression that if you are an attentive parent, don't make it a regular occurrence and plan appropriately..you should be able to use a sitter once in a while.

 

Was I looking for a particular answer? No. I really wasn't. But even the one's against me didn't address my situation or how I feel about my kids. I think it really depends on the person and situation.

 

Not saying this to draw criticism, but more just flow of my thoughts.

[RightThere]

With all due respect, I think you already knew what you were going to d before asking. You were just hoping for more support so you don't feel guilty about it.

 

And just to be clear, you are not a bad parent for getting a sitter during your week with your kids. It happens and you are not leaving them in any kind of mortal danger.

 

But don't kid yourself. You're in a new relationship, it's exciting, and you want to spend as much time together as possible. That' normal. But you feel guilty in part because you are sacrificing time with your kids to be with your new lady. Only you can decide where that healthy boundary is because only you know where your kids are at with everything.

 

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. But don't ignore the fact that it is partially driven by lust.

 

Good luck

[TheNewMe2014]

Respectfully - no...I wasn't looking for a particular answer. I've gone into therapy and other discussions with friends and came out knowing my opinion was wrong. Was I hoping for a different answer..yes. But I haven't heard the argument that makes my opinion wrong..and THAT's what I was looking for.

 

As for lust- how do you define lust? Lust is a strong sexual desire (as defined). With her, I've avoided the whole idea of sex...at the moment. No interest other than getting to know her.

 

But that's beside the point - this goes beyond dating. There are some events coming up this summer..some I've already turned down because I have the children. Others that are great opportunities I want to consider.

 

I guess I get frustrated when people tell me what I'm thinking. The reason I'm here is to get thoughts on questions from a different perspective. How I process is up to me. The answers were weak, except for the one's that suggested how the kids would negatively handle it.

 

Well, the kids have never been left with a sitter and had a great overnight with grandparents and one with mom. They don't seem to be having issues. So if that's the driving factor - it doesn't apply..yet. But if I get a sitter, I'll be aware of looking for that concern or talking to the kids about it. So, I did learn from the forum.

 

I know I'm not ditching the kids. I've already said 'no' to this woman for a date when I have the kids. So I'm not ignoring responsibilities. Again, other than people saying it might impact the kids or THEY would NEVER leave the kids - I haven't heard the convincing argument yet.

 

Am I defensive? A bit...Did I feel guility before? No that's an 100% guarantee. The forum wouldn't take away guilt. But, my ex brought up an issue. Partly emotionally driven, probably, from our past issues. Just like I did in the past - I ask others to see if there is a grounding in what she is saying.

 

What I learned is, to a degree it is, but there still seems to be an emotional aspect to it too. Guilt no...but I like to hear all sides.

[Shocked Suzie]

There is nothing wrong with having children looked after in your time for specific occasion, but if people choose to do this each week on their 50/50 arranged child care times then this is wrong.... Doesn't matter how a person wants to sugar coat it... It's wrong "especially when children are young and when they are newly adjusting to separation if parents/new set ups " there is also no set way of how it could or would emotionally effect children, because we are all different. Children feel all sorts of emotions over all sorts of time frame periods... Mine are 18months in and still show emotion changes

 

I have my children 100% the situation is not great, I wish for them that they had more of a relationship and better set up with their dad. I would love to have some serious me time, I would love to date ... But in this screwed up situation atm my kids come 1st and my life Is on hold for now....

 

No one has judged you here, you asked a specific question and go yes/no answer

 

If you want to go out every now n then that's fine, but each week in your arranged time then no... If I was you ex I would rather have them than some babysitter..

 

 

SS x

Edited February 26, 2014 by Shocked Suzie