my boyfriend's mom again...

[Yumi]

Okay, this has been awhile but we're talking international snail mail here... to briefly sum up the situation: MY boyfriend and I met online but then we met in person, I love him to death. He lives in Japan, his parents don't speak English, my Japanese is very bad. His mom was the sweetest person in the world while I was there but now he is telling me that she doesn't want him to come visit me for spring break because he has to study and/or look for a job. I know that when I was there, he wanted to be alone with me a lot and when I said "maybe we should spend more time with your family" he understood it, but said it was okay, and didn't translate it, so his mom may have thought that I didn't WANT to spend time with them. I wrote her a letter full of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s, and she wrote back... but I can't even tell if this is a nice letter or not... I'm going to post it here, translated, and substitute my boyfriend's name with "Jim" (good generic name right? Notihng like his real name... LOL) just in case anyone here knows us. Please read it and tell me what you think... I'm sure something's lost in the translation, sorry!

 

Dear Yumi (don't think we're getting my real name either! LOL),

 

Thanks for your letter. I'm glad you returned in good health. There were a lot of fun things, and I think it was good. (probably referring to the trip?)

 

I went to a Boyz II Men concert with Jim. It was really exciting. When we came home we at ramen and gyoza. My friend was also with us. It was delicious.

 

Now I can understand your feelings. To say important things to people is really hard. Jim also has a lot of things to study. As a mother I have a lot of things that I have to teach. As your mother loves you, I love Jim. As you respect your mother, Jim (can? should? will come to?) respect me. (okay I didn't know the verb form she used, sorry) It's a blessing. Please have a lot of experiences and become a great person.

 

I think Jim also wants to have happiness in his life. (the verb I translated as "have" really means like "surpass" so maybe it's like "have too much happiness" or "have more than happiness") And I'm thinking about helping him with that. (maybe... the subject of this sentence wasn't specified... maybe she means that I'm thinking of helping him or something...) Please be in the great connection. (connection as in associate, comrade, not marriage but not business connection either) For the sake of your growth and Jim's, if (someone) can become a support, (something) will be long. This is going to be a persistant year for Jim too. Please be persistant together.

 

P.S. Is Soba-chan (my toy cat) in good health?

 

Sorry about the someones and somethings... sentences don't have to have a subject in Japanese is the subject is "implied" unfortunately I can't tell what the implication is supposed to be... I don't know what to make of this.. on the one hand, she seems to be adknowledging that "jim" and I can help each other and will continue to be together... on the other hand, the part about having experiences and becoming a great person kind of sounds (to me) like "this isnt all there is in life" or something... *sigh* I really don't know what she thinks of me, it's frustrating becasue I like her a lot... she called me like "best friend" when I was there... but now I don't know... am I worrying too much???

[Tony T]

You are way way overanalyzing this whole thing.

 

First, your boyfriend should be the greatest source for what his mother thinks of you, since she cannot communicate with you effectively. You say he lives in Japan so I am assuming he's Japanese.

 

The Japanese people are, for the most part, very kind, considerate, thoughtful, respectful, etc. Nothing in her letter should be considered otherwise. The greatest majority of Japanese people, I have found personally and read about, are not mean-spirited and go out of their way to make others feel comfortable.

 

There may be some rough edges around your relationship as far as your ethnicity goes. Many Japanese moms would prefer their children to marry Japanese. Japan has one of the most pure cultures in the world and most who live there are 100 percent Japanese from centuries back. But modern Asians are getting used to their offspring leaving their homeland and falling in love abroad with those of other nationalities. The greatest number of times they welcome this with open arms.

 

While many marriages are still arranged in Japan, the culture seems to be getting away from this. The men there are bound to follow in their father's footsteps, taking over their dad's business and stepping into his shoes in many other ways. But sons are rebelling against this custom and more are going in their own chosen direction.

 

So there are a few things his mother may have a slight problem with but I promise you, for the greatest part, you will be welcomed into the family in every way. Just stop worrying about it.

 

Your boyfriend should have already told you everything I have written here. If not, you need to establish some better communication with him. And you should also not place such tremendous signficance on what his mother thinks. If you feel your boyfriend is a mamas boy, you should go find another guy.

 

Incidentally, the letter sounds very nice and that she even took time to write it says a lot of good things about her feelings about you.

[Yumi]

It's not that I think I NEED her approval, really... I don't even think he cares what she thinks (well about me at least!) but it's always been important for me to foster a positive realtionship with a guy's family, because if they become MY family in the future, I don't want some huge argument preventing my children from seeing their grandparents or something... I'm thinking WAY for in the future, but family is very important to me.

 

He says that she likes me... so I guess what your saying is that I should just believe that? Well sometimes I feel like he says things just to make me feel good (ie "your Japanese is so good," "You're not fat," "you're a really good singer") which I KNOW aren't true based on what everyone ELSE in the world tells me... so maybe I just osmehow got it into my mind that he was telling me that she liked me just to make me feel good too... I don't know... he's been out of town for a week and we haven't been able to talk so maybe I'm just having too many opportunities to worry alone...

 

Well, what I meant to say is thanks for your advice... I'll try to just beleive what he tells me... (not that I think he lies... but EVERYONE tells little white lies... "you look great in that dress" etc... why not "my mom really likes you"?)

[Ashesmum]

Since Tony has pretty much said it all, I only have one piece of advice for you... Learn Japanese. That way you can do your own translation, it's impressive for his family and looks great on a resume (?). By the way, how do you plan on having a relationship that's international? Unless one of you are moving. Good luck.

Okay, this has been awhile but we're talking international snail mail here... to briefly sum up the situation: MY boyfriend and I met online but then we met in person, I love him to death. He lives in Japan, his parents don't speak English, my Japanese is very bad. His mom was the sweetest person in the world while I was there but now he is telling me that she doesn't want him to come visit me for spring break because he has to study and/or look for a job. I know that when I was there, he wanted to be alone with me a lot and when I said "maybe we should spend more time with your family" he understood it, but said it was okay, and didn't translate it, so his mom may have thought that I didn't WANT to spend time with them. I wrote her a letter full of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s, and she wrote back... but I can't even tell if this is a nice letter or not... I'm going to post it here, translated, and substitute my boyfriend's name with "Jim" (good generic name right? Notihng like his real name... LOL) just in case anyone here knows us. Please read it and tell me what you think... I'm sure something's lost in the translation, sorry! Dear Yumi (don't think we're getting my real name either! LOL), Thanks for your letter. I'm glad you returned in good health. There were a lot of fun things, and I think it was good. (probably referring to the trip?) I went to a Boyz II Men concert with Jim. It was really exciting. When we came home we at ramen and gyoza. My friend was also with us. It was delicious. Now I can understand your feelings. To say important things to people is really hard. Jim also has a lot of things to study. As a mother I have a lot of things that I have to teach. As your mother loves you, I love Jim. As you respect your mother, Jim (can? should? will come to?) respect me. (okay I didn't know the verb form she used, sorry) It's a blessing. Please have a lot of experiences and become a great person.

 

I think Jim also wants to have happiness in his life. (the verb I translated as "have" really means like "surpass" so maybe it's like "have too much happiness" or "have more than happiness") And I'm thinking about helping him with that. (maybe... the subject of this sentence wasn't specified... maybe she means that I'm thinking of helping him or something...) Please be in the great connection. (connection as in associate, comrade, not marriage but not business connection either) For the sake of your growth and Jim's, if (someone) can become a support, (something) will be long. This is going to be a persistant year for Jim too. Please be persistant together. P.S. Is Soba-chan (my toy cat) in good health?

 

Sorry about the someones and somethings... sentences don't have to have a subject in Japanese is the subject is "implied" unfortunately I can't tell what the implication is supposed to be... I don't know what to make of this.. on the one hand, she seems to be adknowledging that "jim" and I can help each other and will continue to be together... on the other hand, the part about having experiences and becoming a great person kind of sounds (to me) like "this isnt all there is in life" or something... *sigh* I really don't know what she thinks of me, it's frustrating becasue I like her a lot... she called me like "best friend" when I was there... but now I don't know... am I worrying too much???

[Yumi]

I DID do that translation... if I was going ot ask someone else to do it, I would have found someone who didn't have all those unsure points! I'm trying here... And if it does work out, I'm willing to move and he knows it... I have no job or friends here and my family is on the other side of the country anyway....