not really sure about these signals

[blackwasp108]

Hello everyone. I'm a 31 year old male that lives in a monastery. Last summer, I went and did some missionary work and traveling preaching in Europe. During that time, I became attracted to a girl there... and I'm not supposed to be.

 

I am a renunciate monk that adheres to the practice of celibacy. In our tradition, we aren't even supposed to speak to women unless it is absolutely necessary.

 

Every summer, around 300 people (most are from Eastern Europe) travel around and distribute food, literature, and take part in dramatic presentations from our scriptures. Everyone was on buses to head out to the next town when one of the festival organizers asked if anyone was missing. This girl replied, "I wish I were missing.". She thought that no one would understand her humor, most of them being non-English speakers. But I was seated next to her and started dying with laughter. She and a friend joined in on the laughter, but then that was it. When we disembarked from the bus, it took me a minute to gather my things but lagged behind with me. I think she wanted to speak with me. But I couldn't, because of my vows.

 

Then as I would see her around I would smile at her. Sometimes, she'd smile back. We were on the bus again and I sang one of our prayers and when I was done, her and another friend were giggling (this girl is 20). It kind of made me mad be caused it cheapened the mood of reverence. I still said nothing.

 

In future encounters, sometimes she smiled or sometimes she appeared really timid. If I passed by her when she was with her friends, it seemed they were ragging on her and she would always make some defensive remarks. Or they would straight up make fun of me, thinking that I couldn't hear. And still... I said nothing.

 

I assisted as a stagehand for the dramatic productions and she was one of the singers. I had been mentioning these moments with one of my Russian friends. One day we were sitting eating and she was close by. He pointed at her and asked me with his thick Slavic accent, "She is your girlfriend?". I said no and I walked away, really embarrassed because I never said that. But the girl overheard it. Passing by her and her friends later in the day, she just started saying, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god" over and over again. I wasn't sure if she was nervous because she was into me or thought I was a creep. I asked my friend if she said anything when I walked away. She had asked him if he we referring to her when he made the girlfriend statement.

 

I was responsible for microphones for the singers and I had a box that I kept them all in. I noticed a small note taped to the lid, but I never bothered to look at it. Then after, she and the others were done singing, she walked up to the box and removed the note. What did it say, I wondered?

 

The next day, after the show, she came up and talked to me, telling me she wanted me to inform the sound guy to turn up her vocals.. My Russian friend and I were there, so we decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. We started clowning her and making fun of her saying that the world didn't revolve around her. She didn't seem to get offended.

 

And the next day, I'm in the sound booth, watching it while the sound guy was gone. The girl and one of her friends comes up and, almost in a flirtatious manner said that they wanted their vocals turned up. I asked them if they wanted some Evian too. They just smiled and walked away.

 

So here's my dilemma. I've been recommended by some of the elders in our tradition to leave the monastic order and get married. I was kind of into this girl and will see her again this summer. But am I getting confused by these signal? Is she into me? Is she not into me? Am I attractive to her or am I a creep?

 

Thanks for your patient reading and any advice you can give!

[Chi townD]

Tough one. First, you're a Monk. She views you as a Monk and you're safe. Due to your vows, she knows that you can't be a creep or possibly, look at her in "that way" because of the vows that you've taken.

 

 

Then again, sometimes a girl wants what she can't have. And might have seen you as a challenge. To flirt with you just to see how you would react.

 

 

Now, you have to ask yourself, are you ready to leave the order for something that you are unsure of? Renunicate monk doesn't really tell me what faith. Is it Christian or Buddhist? BUT! I speculate that you haven't had too much experience with women. And you are definitely unsure of her intentions. That's a lot to give up. But, the choice is yours.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I wondered what religious calling was in play here...

 

OP, is your carnal desire stronger then, than your vow of celibacy?

Are carnal pleasures more tempting than 'Spiritual Skilfulness'?

[blackwasp108]

I'm a Gaudiya Vaishnava monk (Hare Krishna).

 

That's really the dilemma. The varnasham (social caste) in our tradition is as follows: one starts as a brahmacari (celibate and unmarried). If one chooses, they can transition into the grhasta ashram (married householders). The next is vanaprastha (retired life, limited association with wife) and the final is sannyasa (full renunciation, detaching all ties from wife, family, and income). If one is steady, one can remain an unmarried brahmacari and take the vow of sannyasa. In the West, this is EXTREMELY rare.

 

I wear saffron robes which denotes that I am a brahmacari (celibate and unmarried). To throw on white robes would be symbolic of me leaving that ashram and looking to become a potential grhasta (married householder) But then on has to have an income to support a family. I was in the military for a short period and did some college, but I have no stipend or degree. This is part of the reason that I entered monastic life.

 

I do have carnal desires and sometimes they are overwhelming, which is why it was recommended that eventually I should marry. Plus, Vedic astrologers read my birth chart and also suggested this course of action. But I committed to as least two years of brahmacari, to which I have completed a little more than one.

 

No, I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, nor luck for that matter. Prior to being a monk, I had one unfaithful girlfriend and several one night stands (that's how I operated in the Marines and college).

 

But at the behest of the senior disciples, I'll probably get married, like they said I should. Something interesting I failed to mention: one time the girl walked by and I was reading Bhagavad Gita, our scriptural authority, and the purport in Chapter 3, Text 34 stated that "sex enjoyment is a necessity for the conditioned soul and sex enjoyment is allowed under the license of marriage ties). And I don't believe it was sheer coincidence.

 

Yes, I'm most assuredly unsure of her intentions. But the only way to find out is to "throw on white" so I can talk to her freely.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to meditate on this for a while.

 

Empty your mind, permit thoughts to float by, like whisps of gossamer cloud on a spring-breeze day, and just breathe. Allow whatever arises in your mind to arise, float and pass.

In time, all will become clearer.

Focus for now on your practice.

Make good Effort to not be swayed either way by your 'Ego'.

The answer will come to you, I am convinced.

[blackwasp108]

Based on what I said, does it sound like she could be interested?

[TaraMaiden]

To be honest? Not really.

I think it's possible you're reading more into it than there is, due to 'the arising of Lustful feelings'. In other words, you're seeing what you'd like to see, because you're thinking with your 'South' brain, instead of the 'North' one...

 

[blackwasp108]

You are probably right. What a disappointment. Thanks for your input!