sohard Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I found out partner cheated a few weeks ago so i told him to leave, he moved into his moms and has been coming to the house to see our children and taking them out for a few hours. They are 5 & 10 month old and i know i shouldnt let it affect the children but im finding it very difficult seeing him at the moment so have asked him to stay away and not call or text for a week to let me get my head together i dont think its good for the children to see me upset either so im hoping a week of not seeing him will help. Im just not sure what to tell the 5 year old, we already told him that his dad would be staying in granny because its closer to work and he was ok with this but not sure what way to handle him not seeing / hearing from him for a week. I have no family that could do drop offs so only option is to not see him for a week. Any ideas of what to say to my son and how to make things easier for him in the long run when i have to tell him more, help Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Tell him nothing until he asks. He will probably ask one day, "mummy, why doesn't daddy come here any moe?" or something along those lines. You tell him that daddy and you decided it was better for daddy to not be here because you had a little fight, and you're not friends any more. Keep it simple, but don't lie. He will ponder this. Reassure him that you love him, and get your ex- to reassure him of the same thing. Tell your ex what happens, when it happens. Keep him in the loop. You may not see eye to eye over his infidelity, but when it comes to your child, you MUST in all fairness, keep on the same page. Whatever goes on between you two, stays between you two, and you do NOT use it as a point-scoring system to use the child or lie to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I have no family that could do drop offs so only option is to not see him for a week. Your son and his dad could skype on video for a few minutes every evening. If not for whatever reason, a phone call. Any ideas of what to say to my son and how to make things easier for him in the long run when i have to tell him more, help Tell him that Daddy is staying with Granny for a bit. Don't get into any specifics about your relationship with him. If he ends up coming back, you'll be glad you didn't tell your son more. If you end up splitting, you can then tell him Daddy is getting his own place. The main thing is to keep frequent contact between them, and to both reinforce that you love him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I would suggest telling him that mom and dad are going through a difficult time with each other right now, and you felt you needed to spend some time apart from each other. Assure your son that you both love him very much, but that you both need to live apart from each other right now. Don't prevent your partner from seeing his son. His son needs his father to stay closely involved in his life. This is going to be a difficult time for your son. Try to make it as least traumatic as possible. If you do decide to separate permanently, then is the time to tell your son that you and his dad are not getting back together because his dad decided he wanted other girlfriends in his life, and that was not something you would agree to. Then would also be a good time to talk to your son about the importance of honesty and faithfulness in a relationship, and how important that is in having a good relationship with a partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Then would also be a good time to talk to your son about the importance of honesty and faithfulness in a relationship, and how important that is in having a good relationship with a partner. True! You want to set your son a very clear picture about relationships and loyalty because you don't want your ex influencing the values your son holds on that, now or down the line! Age appropriate of course but still! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 He's only 5 fer krissakes! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 He's only 5 fer krissakes! You would be surprised how perceptive 5 year olds can be. My 5 year old was very precocious. A gentle truth is important, even at that age, if the couple is not going to reconcile. Kids need some kind of understanding of why the relationship broke up. They are trying to make sense of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Right he's only 5 so like I say age appropriate. But kids of five still know what's honest & what's not, so I'm not suggesting a sit down lecture about infidelity but I don't believe your ever too young to know that relationships (be it mum & dad, Brother & sister, or friends) require you to tell the truth to each other. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Yes, I've had 2 5-year-olds of my own, and I've also run a play-group for pre-school infants, (for 4 years) so I'm perfectly aware of just how 'perceptive' they can be. But their cognitive responses do not go 'outside the box'. At that age, all they have is Ego. They really don't care what others do, or what their personal agendas are. All they want to know is that they're still secure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Yes, I've had 2 5-year-olds of my own, and I've also run a play-group for pre-school infants, (for 4 years) so I'm perfectly aware of just how 'perceptive' they can be. But their cognitive responses do not go 'outside the box'. At that age, all they have is Ego. They really don't care what others do, or what their personal agendas are. All they want to know is that they're still secure. Which I don't doubt, but I just think there should be continuity in what you preach...maybe there'll only properly understand it when there 8,10,13 whatever, but the emphasis on it has been there all along, your belief in what your saying as their parent has always been there and there'll come to understand it and form there own beliefs and moral compasses as they age. What happens to us as kids, even really little kids affects us as adults. His father has shown a lack of value on relationships to him at five and I think its important to counter that - even if he doesn't understand it yet. And I totally totally don't mean anything heavy, just him knowing that trust and honesty are important things to his mum. I hope my gf and me are going strong when out lads are 5, but even if we are i'd still want to chat a little bit about things like that with my boys. Same as i'll be teaching them about football. because its important to me, even if they don't quite understand the ins and outs of tactical formations. Equally id like them to know that I admire honesty & loyalty in the same way I admire being able to stick the ball in the net! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I would not try to make daddy an example of what not to do in a relationship. The kids will figure that out for themselves in time. Kids are perceptive. Say that daddy is staying with grandma because mommy and daddy are working something out. Listen to what he has to say, what he asks, and answer those questions. Don't feed him information that he doesn't want or need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I would not try to make daddy an example of what not to do in a relationship. ..... Don't feed him information that he doesn't want or need. My points exactly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, I've had 2 5-year-olds of my own, and I've also run a play-group for pre-school infants, (for 4 years) so I'm perfectly aware of just how 'perceptive' they can be. But their cognitive responses do not go 'outside the box'. At that age, all they have is Ego. They really don't care what others do, or what their personal agendas are. All they want to know is that they're still secure. While I agree that 5 year olds are very ego oriented and have a limited capacity to understand some things, I do think they need to have some kind of explanation if the relationship ends. Usually, kids that age feel a sense of abandonment if a parent leaves and they don't know why they were abandoned. Some start to blame themselves and think they did something wrong to "make daddy go away." I think some explanation is in order, which is age appropriate, but still based on the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I would not try to make daddy an example of what not to do in a relationship. The kids will figure that out for themselves in time. Kids are perceptive. Say that daddy is staying with grandma because mommy and daddy are working something out. Listen to what he has to say, what he asks, and answer those questions. Don't feed him information that he doesn't want or need. My suggestion was based on the scenario that they had decided to separate permanently, in which case, he will need some explanation. Until they have made a permanent decision, I agree that saying something like that mommy and daddy and going through a tough time together, and we need some time apart to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sohard Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks for all your replies, he is still very babyish so I would like to keep it as simple as possible, it's weird but his dad has been out of house 3 weeks and he hasn't asked once why, we did originally tell him he had to stay with granny cos he was tired doing so much driving but I thought he would of asked something by now. Few times I have asked him if he would like to call daddy and he just says no and continues on playing. Should I be worried about this? He has not heard me say anything about his dad but I wonder is he picking up on it from my behaviour Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 No... I think he's making his own choice, because in his world, everything is fine.... Has his behaviour changed? has he become more clingy, more demanding...? More petulant and 'naughty'? If the answer is 'no, not really, not any more than usual'.... then you've done ok. Yes. Children can pick up subtleties, but if you've worked hard to keep his days 'normal' and he seems ok... then well done.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sohard Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks Taramaiden, He is a little bit more clingy but he's been like that for a few weeks so not sure if it connected to us breaking up or normal behaviour. He asked me earlier when would he see his dad and I told him that he might have to go away to work for a few days but he could talk to him today before he goes and he would get him a new tractor when he's away. That seemed to cheer him up and he was just asking questions about tractor lol so hopefully he will be ok. Baby keeps calling dada nod it's breaking my heart but not much I can do about it Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I hate to tell you this, but dada', isn't always necessarily a baby calling his father.... sometimes it's just a noise... it's actually the easiest sound for them to make.... mamamama.... dadadada.... they're really easy to say and copy, but they don't necessarily associate them with particular people. That comes a bit later..... Don't fret.... relax..... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 If you're in the US, you can supervised transfer or transfer at neutral dropoffs. You can google "Supervised Visitation Network" and find the map and pick your state and it will tell you neutral dropoff centers you can use instead of seeing the ex right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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