I don't want to go to my uncle's funeral. Should I?

[writergal]

Some background context on my situation: When I was 22, my father died from cancer. His brother, my uncle, promised my father on his death bed (and promised my mother, sister, brother and I) he'd help my mother with the funeral and life insurance legal matters, and continue to invite us over for holidays and birthdays. Well, he broke his promises and basically left my mother to figure out my father's funeral arrangements, costs, etc. and his will etc. without his help. He had the audacity to show up at my father's funeral with my aunt and cousins as though he never had a conversation with my father on his deathbed, or with my mother afterwards. Then he wouldn't let us have my father's family photo albums, his baseball card collection and other items that belonged to my father which he'd promised my father that he'd give them all to my mother after he died, so that we could have them.

 

Today I found out from my mother that my uncle has died. She spent the past 21 years spewing venom at my uncle and his family, about how much she hated them. Yet today, she yelled at me when I told her that I had no plans to attend my uncle's funeral. After all, he broke his promises to his dying brother and his dying brother's wife, and basically shunned my family ever since; we were never invited over to family gatherings, holidays or cousins' birthdays or weddings. And when my grandparents died, he refused to let my sister, brother and I have any of our grandparents belongings and cut us out of an inheritance.

 

I tried to remind my mother of these things today on the phone but she is more concerned with keeping up appearances, to stay in my aunt and cousins' good graces.

 

I could care less what my aunt and cousins think of me, for not going to my uncle's funeral. They live in the same city and yet never have they once initiated contact in the 21 years since my father's death.

 

My sister and brother are going to go to the funeral and tell me I'm being ridiculous because our uncle's dead. Well right, he IS dead so there's no reason for me to go to his funeral.

 

Would you go?

[carhill]

Funerals are for the living. If you feel there are no living people to pay your respects to or show support and sympathy to during this time, no need to go. TBH, I haven't been to a family member's funeral since my aunt died over 20 years ago. There were just no living people I cared to have any contact with. Friend's funerals? Plenty. There are always choices.

[HokeyReligions]

Ditto what others said

Edited March 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed non relevant parts

[Art_Critic]

Funerals are for the living. If you feel there are no living people to pay your respects to or show support and sympathy to during this time, no need to go.

 

This is just what I was going to post.

 

To me funerals are for the living to celebrate the dead and or provide support to the living who lost a beloved one, the last thing a funeral is, is for the dead.. they are dead..

[whichwayisup]

Don't go. Your mom has issues and wants to 'keep the appearances' up so nobody asks any questions. So what, let them ask. Hey if someone in the family is bothered that you didn't go, they can call you directly and you can tell them why.

 

Don't let your mom force you into going, this is your decision.

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't go.

 

Unless your mother says that she needs your support & wants you to be there for her. Then I'd go to support your mom but not for him.

[Radu]

My uncle did pretty much the same damn thing to my family.

 

My dad stayed by his side half a yr, rarely coming home, paying huge sums of money for his cancer treatment [25k $, enough to buy 3 apartments at the time], and he has shown nothing when my dad died 3.5yrs ago.

 

Not even 6months ago, he died ... i honestly think his wife stressing him and the cancer [which he beat but you are never fully clear] beat him.

I thought about not going to the funeral, as his kids never came to their grandparent's funeral [both of them], or my dad's funeral.

I wanted to tell them how much i missed them [i last saw them 15yrs before the funeral], since we both lived in the same city and not that far away from one another.

 

But i kept my mouth shut, left the 'grieving' widow grief [my uncle did most of the work in the house, cooked, cleaned ...].

I went because i was better than them, and i still am.

[writergal]

Yeah, I'm going to stick to my guns and not attend my uncle's funeral. I appreciate everyone's posts. I agree that funerals are for the living, not the dead. I don't need to go to his funeral to prove to my family that I'm the bigger person.

 

Whenever people say they do something to prove they're the bigger person, that irritates me because it implies that you still care about what other people think of you, so you're not really the bigger person. You're still doing things to get others' approval.

 

Well I don't need my family's approval. I guess in a flash of guilt, I questioned whether or not I should go because they came to my father's funeral. Hence why I posted this yesterday. Since my mother will have the support of my siblings, she won't need me there. (Since my brother and I are still estranged and always will be, I don't plan to attend his funeral either when that day comes. I told him not to bother coming to mine although I"ll be dead so what will I care.)

 

One surprise since my post yesterday, is that one of my cousins called me up bawling this morning. Apparently my mother "the meddler" gave him my cell phone #. (0_0) I resisted the urge to tell him that I think he and his family are all assh*les b/c they already know that.

 

Instead I listened to him cry and talk on the phone for about 15 minutes (call it a weak moment on my part) before I told him that I wouldn't be going to the funeral. I didn't tell him why and he didn't ask. I didn't even bring up my other family members who decided to go. That's their business.

Edited February 25, 2014 by writergal

[SJS]

I know you said you already made up your mind...

 

 

This is one of those situations that you don't get a do-over for, he's still your uncle, I'd go. But that's just me, and I know if I didn't go I would regret it later.

[writergal]

I hear what you're saying. The only thing is, my cousin told me this morning when he called that my uncle had been diagnosed with leukemia 2 years ago and that's what killed him. Well, this morning was the first time I heard about it. If my family isn't important enough for him or my cousins to contact me or my family to tell us, then why should I care that he's dead now? They cut us out of their life after my father died. Do you REALLY think I give a damn now about any of them now that my uncle's dead?!

 

You're right. There are no do-overs in life. Did my uncle give a sh*t enough to say goodbye to his two nieces and nephews before he slipped into a coma and died? No, he didn't did he. My cousins just told my mother he died a couple days ago. She didn't even know about my uncle's illness 2 years ago. None of us did. Do I think he regret not keeping in touch with us? Why did my cousin feel the need to call me up this morning bawling, looking for emotional support when he shunned me after my father's funeral over 20 years ago.

 

I have no regrets about not going to my uncle's funeral. He's already dead. He died without bothering to say goodbye or ask for my forgiveness for the way he and his family shunned my family after his own brother died. He doesn't get a do-over either. And anyone who speaks for him, that's just their opinion, not his.

 

You are delusional SJS if you think I'm going to give my cousins or aunt the time of day just because my uncle died. If they want to keep in contact they can make the effort. Do you know what it was like for my family the first Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving after my father died? My uncle and his family lived only 3 blocks away from us. 3 blocks! And they didn't invite us over for any of those holidays THE YEAR after my father died or thereafter. 3 blocks distance and we became invisible to them.

 

So please save your self-righteousness for someone who cares.

Edited February 25, 2014 by writergal

[SJS]

Um, I never said anything about even talking to your cousins or aunt. I said, FOR ME, I would regret it if I didn't go. You asked what we would do, that's my answer. Sorry it's not the same choice you made. Next time don't ask for opinions if you don't want differing viewpoints.

[writergal]

So you'd still go to your uncle's funeral, knowing that he and your relatives shunned your family? Well, clearly you are the bigger person than me aren't you?

 

I think it's easy for people like you to say yes, you'd go, because you aren't in my shoes. So I'm sure it would be easy for you to attend a relative's funeral if you don't have the same type of family history of family alienation that my uncle and his family did to mine.

 

I don't have a problem with differing viewpoints. I have a huge problem with your post because you didn't bother to explain WHY you'd go or if you could even relate. Whatever. You've made your point. Fine. You'd go. Thanks for your opinion.

[SJS]

I'd go so I could see him in the casket, because that would be my closure. I'd say "sorry for your loss" to his family, while thinking they really aren't family anymore and this is the last time I'd see/talk to them. I'd do it because I know it would be what my dad would want--it IS his brother after all, even if I did think the guy was a bastard. And then I'd tell my mother the only reason why I went was to make sure the jerk was really dead.

 

 

Saying I'd regret not going is much...nicer.

[writergal]

Okay I get it now. You're funny. I'm still not going though. I haven't considered those people family since my father died. I don't need the emotional closure to that chapter (my first 21 years) of my life. When my uncle betrayed my father on his death bed, and then shunned my family afterward he and his family became dead to me and my family. And, knowing that I always like to have the last word, if I did go to my uncle's funeral I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to share my feelings about what I think of my aunt and cousins to their faces. And that really isn't appropriate for a funeral, even at a funeral for a bastard like my uncle. I may be a hypocrite, but I'm still a lady. No relation to Hamlet.

[Radu]

I hear what you're saying. The only thing is, my cousin told me this morning when he called that my uncle had been diagnosed with leukemia 2 years ago and that's what killed him. Well, this morning was the first time I heard about it. If my family isn't important enough for him or my cousins to contact me or my family to tell us, then why should I care that he's dead now? They cut us out of their life after my father died. Do you REALLY think I give a damn now about any of them now that my uncle's dead?!

 

They did the same in my case.

His death came as a surprise to us.

 

My uncle owned by grandfather's home, which is pretty close to the house my dad built in the same village [it's actually 2 houses over].

We saw him from time to time there, rarely said something, but when he did, there was a fake smile.

 

We learned he was sick from the ppl in the village, from the guy who screwed over my dad and stole from him [because he told him ... he was more important], but not from him.

After he died, his family was trying to re-establish links.

 

The custom is to have a rememberance ceremony every certain nr of days/months/yrs until 7yrs have passed.

We were not invited to any of them, they did not come to any of my dad's.

 

OP, if you can live with the decision, go for it.

 

PS: What i said above was not to guilt-trip you.

[Radu]

I'd go so I could see him in the casket, because that would be my closure. I'd say "sorry for your loss" to his family, while thinking they really aren't family anymore and this is the last time I'd see/talk to them. I'd do it because I know it would be what my dad would want--it IS his brother after all, even if I did think the guy was a bastard. And then I'd tell my mother the only reason why I went was to make sure the jerk was really dead.

 

 

Saying I'd regret not going is much...nicer.

 

That's some of the reason why i went, he looked awefull.

His kids devastated [30yr olds too], never had someone in their family die ... all i could think was 'you jerks had a grandma and a grandpa, you did not come to their funerals because you had homework to do' [not making up the stuff about the homework ... that was their reason].

[writergal]

They did the same in my case.

His death came as a surprise to us.

 

My uncle owned by grandfather's home, which is pretty close to the house my dad built in the same village [it's actually 2 houses over].

We saw him from time to time there, rarely said something, but when he did, there was a fake smile.

 

We learned he was sick from the ppl in the village, from the guy who screwed over my dad and stole from him [because he told him ... he was more important], but not from him.

After he died, his family was trying to re-establish links.

 

The custom is to have a rememberance ceremony every certain nr of days/months/yrs until 7yrs have passed.

We were not invited to any of them, they did not come to any of my dad's.

 

OP, if you can live with the decision, go for it.

 

PS: What i said above was not to guilt-trip you.

 

Why do people like you assume that I need to live with my decision not to attend a bastard-of-an-uncle's funeral? As though it's a terrible decision not to. As though I won't get the closure I need if I don't go, because there are no do-overs in life?

 

If that's what you chose to do and what the poster SJS chooses to do for family funerals that's fine for you.

 

I happen to be fine with my decision. I actually CAN live with myself for not going to my uncle's funeral.

 

Of course you guilt-tripped me Radu. Twice! lol! Guilt trip #1:"I went because I was better than them, and I still am," and Guilt trip #2: "if you can live with the decision, go for it."

 

Maybe the first statement you made was unintentional but it was still a guilt trip. The first statement you made implies that if I don't go to my uncle's funeral as you did to yours, I will have less value in my family's eyes. Your second statement was an intentional guilt trip, to imply that if I don't go, I will not be able to live with myself and will regret it forever.

 

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. And since I couldn't care less about my father's family (his parents are both dead as well), I'm quite confident that I'll survive not attending my uncle's funeral and that by not going, I'm saving my blood pressure from sky rocketing due to the anger that would result, if I had to "pretend" to be sad that the bastard's dead. His wife, my aunt, is a hoarder because she refused to let go of my father's belongings and my mother was too weak to sue my aunt (my uncle was a lawyer). She also sold my grandparents home and gave their furniture to her children and split the house's sale proceeds among her children. She didn't even give my siblings and I a chance to ask for any furniture or paintings or photo albums or even my grandmother's china or jewelry. They all went to my cousins. My aunt is Cruella Deville's twin sister, estranged from her own family for being a major b*tch to them too as she cheated her own siblings out of their inheritance money when her parents died. This woman is a vindictive, conniving, horrible person. You really think she needs my sympathy? lol! Yeah, no. She even wrote my mother a nasty letter threatening her, after my mother asked her to give us my father's childhood things and some photo albums of his childhood that my uncle took from my grandparents' home after they died.

 

And you think she'll even care if my family attends her husband's funeral? I'm still shocked that my cousin called my mother to tell us my uncle had died, and then that same cousin called me this morning bawling about it.

 

The only regret I have in life, is that I lost my father to cancer when I was 21 and didn't get to have him with me for the rest of my life. That is the only regret I have. He was a good man, my father. He had a bastard for a brother. That's for sure.

Edited February 25, 2014 by writergal

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, my Grandmother (Dad's side) was not a very nice person to me or my family. She was actually quite horrible to my mother and indifferent to me and my sister. She really felt like a stranger to me all of my life.

 

Anyways, my grandmother passed away last year and I ended up attending the funeral. I went for my Dad. I went because I knew he would be looked upon badly if his daughters did not attend. It wasn't a hard decision for me. I love my Dad and would do anything for him. Attending a funeral of someone I despised at times in my life actually took very little energy out of me. I really just did not care at that point. She meant that little to me. BUT my Dad and what affects him means everything to me.

 

On a side note: 3 of my cousins did not attend (1 of whom my grandmother favored)...every one has their reasons..we can't judge.

Edited February 25, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[maiden of rohan]

If it were me, I wouldn't go. Not even to keep up appearances. It would be insincere, and fake to turn up, and for me, feel like an invasion of their grief.

 

A lot of people romanticize the dead, and act like their wrong-doings are forgiven just because they died. I'm not saying people should hold grudges against people in their graves, but why suddenly rush to attend their funerals etc, when you couldn't stand them alive? That's one thing I'll never understand.

 

I remember my ex asking me to attend his grandmother's funeral (I'd never met her in my life) and he kicked off because I refused. I held nothing against the lady, but I didn't want to impose on people's grief and their personal time. I don't/didn't feel bad for not going, though he did his best to make me.

[writergal]

OP, my Grandmother (Dad's side) was not a very nice person to me or my family. She was actually quite horrible to my mother and indifferent to me and my sister. She really felt like a stranger to me all of my life.

 

Anyways, my grandmother passed away last year and I ended up attending the funeral. I went for my Dad. I went because I knew he would be looked upon badly if his daughters did not attend. It wasn't a hard decision for me. I love my Dad and would do anything for him. Attending a funeral of someone I despised at times in my life actually took very little energy out of me. I really just did not care at that point. She meant that little to me. BUT my Dad and what affects him means everything to me.

 

On a side note: 3 of my cousins did not attend (1 of whom my grandmother favored)...every one has their reasons..we can't judge.

 

And yet I'm being judged in my own thread for choosing NOT to attend my uncle's funeral. People are implying that 1) I'll regret not going and won't be able to live with myself since there are no do-overs in life 2) My family will think less of me if I don't go.

 

Why would I attend a funeral of someone like my uncle whom I clearly despised based on the way he treated me and my family after my father/his brother died?

 

I have to agree with you maiden of rohan that too many people romanticize the dead, even grant them "sainthood" to cleanse them of their sins from their life, which is done for selfish reasons in my view, because it gives the griever a convenient excuse to dismiss what the horrible person did when they were alive. People do it to give dead people "do-overs" which is a crock.

 

And what's with this universal shame attached to funerals? If you don't go to a funeral, you're supposed to feel ashamed of yourself because you didn't pay your respects to the dead person or their family members, or because you didn't keep up social appearances as though you'll lose reputation points for being a no-show.

 

Funerals don't provide emotional closure for me. Seeing a deceased person in a coffin does nothing for me. It's just a dead body in a box, as cold as that sounds, but it's the truth. Maybe that's the Atheist in me talking, because I don't believe in an afterlife or "God."

 

I was lucky enough to say good bye in person to my father before he died from his cancer. We had 10 days with him, and spent every minute remembering our past together as a family; telling funny, embarrassing stories, remembering the good, bad and ugly times, looking through photo albums, watching home movies. By the time he was all made-up and in his coffin, his body looked like an empty shell to me. I was lucky enough to watch my father take his last breaths (he even opened his eyes seconds before he died and lifted up his head to see if we were there, and we were, so that he wasn't alone in that last second of life).

 

Since my uncle is already dead and I never go to say goodbye to him, I don't see the point now in going to his funeral which is just an excuse to see relatives I have no interest in seeing for reasons I've already stated. My emotional closure happened 21 years ago when my uncle betrayed, abandoned and shunned me and my family.

Edited February 26, 2014 by writergal

[seekingpeaceinlove]

To be fair, writergal, you did title your thread, " I don't want to go to my uncle's funeral. Should I?" You asked a question so you got responses. No need to take it personally if others have a differing view than yours.

 

Anyways, it's clear you're quite emotionally charged about this matter and have deep rooted resentment towards your family. Considering the history, you're totally justified to feel that way.

 

You've made the decision that's right for you. Be at peace with it then!

[VeronicaRoss]

To be fair, writergal, you did title your thread, " I don't want to go to my uncle's funeral. Should I?" You asked a question so you got responses. No need to take it personally if others have a differing view than yours.

 

Coming here and asking for diverse opinions and then being upset at the ones that disagree with you is a classic unconscious ploy to set someone up as the devil's advocate so you are finally able to duke it out -- especially with an anonymous person on the Uberwebs instead of a family member. A lot of bar fights happen this way. Perfectly normal response to grief, but you need to be careful about how you play that out in real life.

 

I would do what you're doing -- I wouldn't go if I was upset still at the departed and knew I'd be feeling sick the whole time. If I truly didn't care, I'd go to support other family members who are grieving.

 

Here's some unasked for advice: you're experiencing a rehashing of old wounds and might be subject to strange behavior for awhile, feelings and reactions that just pop out of nowhere. That's another aspect of grief. So treat yourself and others extra well and with a lot of forgiveness for awhile.

[pink_sugar]

If you hardly knew this uncle and he was never in your life, you are under no obligation to attend.

[writergal]

To be fair, writergal, you did title your thread, " I don't want to go to my uncle's funeral. Should I?" You asked a question so you got responses. No need to take it personally if others have a differing view than yours.

 

Anyways, it's clear you're quite emotionally charged about this matter and have deep rooted resentment towards your family. Considering the history, you're totally justified to feel that way.

 

You've made the decision that's right for you. Be at peace with it then!

 

That's true and I'm fine with people offering me their different points of view especially since I'm pretty opinionated myself.

 

I think I took Radu's comments about "living with myself" personally because although I don't care what my aunt and cousins think of me, his comment did come across judgmental. It's hard not to take a comment like that personally because of the sarcasm behind it..."if you can live with yourself...". Not exactly a nice comment.

 

Coming here and asking for diverse opinions and then being upset at the ones that disagree with you is a classic unconscious ploy to set someone up as the devil's advocate so you are finally able to duke it out -- especially with an anonymous person on the Uberwebs instead of a family member. A lot of bar fights happen this way. Perfectly normal response to grief, but you need to be careful about how you play that out in real life.

 

I would do what you're doing -- I wouldn't go if I was upset still at the departed and knew I'd be feeling sick the whole time. If I truly didn't care, I'd go to support other family members who are grieving.

 

Here's some unasked for advice: you're experiencing a rehashing of old wounds and might be subject to strange behavior for awhile, feelings and reactions that just pop out of nowhere. That's another aspect of grief. So treat yourself and others extra well and with a lot of forgiveness for awhile.

 

It's not that I disagree with anyone else, or even Radu; but as I have said several times, his comment was sarcastic and judgmental, "if you can live with yourself." Wasn't necessary to say that for any other reason than to be insulting.

 

And yes, I think my grief from my father's funeral and the way my uncle and his family shunned my family has bubbled up to the surface now that with my uncle's death, my father's immediate family members are all gone. I don't even know who his cousins are, as I've never met them, not even at his funeral. My uncle's funeral is tomorrow and I've made it clear to everyone by now that I will not be in attendance. My family's upset with me but they'll have to get over it. I'm not going to go just to keep up appearances, or to keep my family happy. We're all adults here.

 

Also, I agree with you that I will probably have to address old grief from the past again, and try to find a way to resolve it without taking it out on my aunt and my cousins (which would be too tempting to do if I were to attend my uncle's funeral).

Edited February 27, 2014 by writergal