drummer233 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 So, I've been married 4 years. Started as a whirlwind. Ended in disaster. We got married within a year, madly in love. Then it flops. Her Sister moved in pretty soon, long story. It drove a wedge. Didn't help w bills, etc. In the meantime, I lost my job late 2012. Recovered a few months later. However. We got behind. Sister still mooching. So, I drew the line. They both left, about 8 mos ago. Wife came back in a few days. Here is the twist. We were in dire financial struggle. My Wife, 25, doesn't drive. Can't. Now, its too an embarrassing point to her. So. She doesn't work. Which we need. I beg. She loses all ambition, dirty house, nothing done. We continue to drift apart. Intimacy is non existent. So, I take a new gig, close to her FAM, she is gonna learn to drive, etc. Get job. You guessed it. Didn't happen. So now, she spends more time there than home, etc. I ask, are we OK? Yes... so. Present day. She has left. Filed for legal separation, and its hopeless. She has invented a tale, where BC she won't/can't drive the house is a prison, she's isolated, depressed, etc. She is saying awful things, lies. Like we only have one vehicle (implying she can drive) and I leave her here while I work, etc. I know, I tried. But, I blame me. I failed. I'm lost. I know its easier for her to shift the blame and make herself feel better. Her esteem is zero, and now, our life, family is ripped apart. How do I come to terms? Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 I know I've omitted things. I'll catch up Link to post Share on other sites
RuralGuy Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Do you have kids together? If not, be thankful that her true colors showed before that happened. If you do have kids together then I feel really badly for them, as they are the innocent victims in the situation. (I feel badly for you too, but as an adult you have options.) If you do not have children then, if you do stay together, absolutely make sure that she does not get pregnant until she gets over her mental health issues. Otherwise you'll be going through this again, but with children making it so much harder on everyone. If you live in town then she is not 'trapped' at home. She could walk places. She could bicycle places. If the town had public transit (and your budget could have afforded public transit) then she could have used that to get around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Sadly, we do have a child. She lacks the motivation or desire to improve. To learn to drive, or work. My family gave us a vehicle for her, even offered to pay for professional driving lessons. They knew I was struggling trying to support us with no help. She had jobs I helped her get, I caught her lying saying the interview went OK, yet she was offered a job and never showed. Now, she is playing the victim. It was me who killed her esteem or wasn't supportive. Which, is a lie. All I ever asked for was help. She wouldn't pick up the house, laundry, etc. Now, she says bills and housework shouldn't be a big deal in a marriage. She is playing the kid against me, he is 2. I work 6 days a week, on call the other day. She is now 50 miles away, and unable to meet me for any visitation, yet, this now is my fault, and I don't deserve to be a dad, and lost the only person (her) who gave a crap about me. Most of my family isn't living. I lost my Mom when I was 22. All that's left really is my father. Who, grew tired of trying to help me, when my capable wife would not . Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 It sounds to me like your wife has no interest in doing any work to repair herself or your relationship. You could put in all the effort you possibly could, but if she's not going to meet you halfway, then it will all be wasted. I think she needs to be on her own for a bit. She'll play the victim, but she'll figure out soon enough that with no one to take care of her, she'll need to start doing it herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 It sounds to me like your wife has no interest in doing any work to repair herself or your relationship. You could put in all the effort you possibly could, but if she's not going to meet you halfway, then it will all be wasted. I think she needs to be on her own for a bit. She'll play the victim, but she'll figure out soon enough that with no one to take care of her, she'll need to start doing it herself. I agree. Right now, she is back at home with her other two siblings, and her parents. They enable her behavior, and tell her how strong she is etc. She hasn't lifted a finger to move forward in two years. What sucks is the effort I put forth, it now seems all in vain. The struggles, for nothing. I am having trouble coping wit the guilt, feelings of failure and inadequacy. So what happens, is I end up feeling crap over it, when in fact, I did all I could. Link to post Share on other sites
lmyya Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I think your biggest task right now is to take care of yourself emotionally. Reinvent yourself or, if you were happy before, get back in touch with the things you used to do before you met her. It would bother me a lot if my husband told lies about me while we were separating. But I think that that is very common. The last several times that someone told me terrible things about their ex, I listened with a grain of salt. I mean, it can't be that every single divorced person has narcissistic personality disorder or bipolar disorder, can it? Yet everyone says that their ex has something like that. Everyone says that they were abused or mistreated unilaterally. To be sure, some people are, but I think the perspectives change after a year or so and those people who weren't really abused will cool off and stop telling those stories. She may also be trying to get custody and/or visitation and child support or spousal support, but I don't want you to freak out too much about that suggestion. Judges see all kinds of situations and not every stay-at-home parent is going to get everything they ask for from a judge just because they were able to convincingly twist the situation in the eyes of their family and friends. She's only stayed home for 2 years, and may not have given up a career out of necessity in order to care for the baby. Can you talk to a family law attorney? I'd strongly advise it. Some of them offer free first-time consultations where you can learn some basics. But more likely, her story-telling is just to make herself feel better. If she didn't have someone else to support her emotionally (albeit because she's making stuff up), then she'd be really lost and probably an even bigger pain for you. Do something every day to make yourself more you, less her, and I'd be surprised if you still really care in three months how inaccurate she is about the whole thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 What sucks is the effort I put forth, it now seems all in vain. The struggles, for nothing. I am having trouble coping wit the guilt, feelings of failure and inadequacy. So what happens, is I end up feeling crap over it, when in fact, I did all I could. Now this is totally normal. Not just a male thing, but we do often take something like this as a total failure on our parts. And it will take you some time to work past this, but you will just need to come to realize that although you may have some things wrong in your relationship, you were only 50% of the problem. You wife needs to take her half of the faults in the relationship. But based on her actions, she is unlikely to do that for a loooooong time. The only advice I can give you right now is to keep doing what you are doing. Get up every day, go to work, and focus on getting through that day. I had a light bulb eventually go off in my head where I realized I had my faults in my marriage, but I couldn't control someone else and their actions. So the other 50% of the failures were completely out of my control. I would leave your wife be, and focus on yourself and doing some things for you. It's not going to make your wife happy, but it's also not the point. She's probably going to think negative things about you regardless, so may as well let yourself become better. She'll see you moving forward, and maybe will start to hate where she is stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Thanks. I agree. The story telling is an effort to shift the blame from the real issues. I even told her, if she truly wants to be happy, she has to be honest w herself and what the core issues are. She is depressed, and looking for sympathy and praise from family and friends. It almost as if she has created a while other relationship.. or how ours was. She is ashamed that she didn't try to contribute financially, or emotionally for that matter. I'd work 12 hours, come home, and after I cleaned up breakfast and lunch, then cook dinner. Not once offered any help or asked how my day was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 I also think, that when I can move past this initial shock. Working on me is priority. In a weird way, I lost a lot jv myself, my confidence. I don't feel worthy of a friend/partner etc with ambition. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Feel so much better today. I'm ready, to let it go, with my dignity intact, and as posted above. Work on me. Each day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Roughly 14 days with no contact, she text me a link to some funny pics, saying, I know were not o. The best terms, I saw this and immediately thought of you. ?? I get to a point where I'm good, have pride and dignity,.. then BAM!!! I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
lmyya Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Roughly 14 days with no contact, she text me a link to some funny pics, saying, I know were not o. The best terms, I saw this and immediately thought of you. ?? I get to a point where I'm good, have pride and dignity,.. then BAM!!! I don't get it. She is human and weak and lonely and missing the past and having trouble adjusting, is how I interpret that. Congratulations on being strong and working on yourself for 14 days-- a long time, when it's fresh and raw. Now you also have to deal with your ex being human and flawed too like the rest of us. I hope you can detach without too much anger or enmity. I hope you can set boundaries that are respectful. I think you can. I think it's normal to have a very hard time with it now, and that it can get much better very soon, if you keep working on your individual health and contentment. I'd take it day by day and hour by hour. I'd read "Codependent no More" for some guidance. I wish you the best of luck and I have faith that you can be strong strong strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Is this a change from how your wife was originally within the marriage, or was she always basically "this way?" If it's a change, when did it generally happen with respect to your child's birth? Was that relatively recent? Is it possible that she's dealing with some post-partum depression? Maybe not a factor, but I just wanted to toss that out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Our son is 2.... this has been going on for about a year... She seemingly gave up, has zero drive or ambition. Now, fabricating things to shift blame. She will never feel better, until she accepts the reasons she feels like she does. Its disheartening really. Blame and sympathy are only band aids. That isn't the root issue Its crappy. I hate it, but, its for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 You can't put a gun to her head and force her to get off her ass and make something out of herself. She has to be the one to do that. You have a kid with her. Best thing to tell you is be the best dad you can be. If he's 50 miles away then you go the 50 miles for your visitation. No doubt she'll try to use the kid as a shield to make her look good and you to feel guilty. She needs big time help and until she comes to grips with getting it, you get on with your life and stop feeling sorry for her. She can improve if she wants to. If she was a SAHM and she left the house a mess, the it was up to you to let her know that she has a job and that job is to take care of the house but when the house was a mess, you cleaned it. Big mistake. What was once a vice as now become a habit with her. Why should she do it when she knows you will. That isn't a wife. That's freeloader. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 You can't put a gun to her head and force her to get off her ass and make something out of herself. She has to be the one to do that. You have a kid with her. Best thing to tell you is be the best dad you can be. If he's 50 miles away then you go the 50 miles for your visitation. No doubt she'll try to use the kid as a shield to make her look good and you to feel guilty. She needs big time help and until she comes to grips with getting it, you get on with your life and stop feeling sorry for her. She can improve if she wants to. If she was a SAHM and she left the house a mess, the it was up to you to let her know that she has a job and that job is to take care of the house but when the house was a mess, you cleaned it. Big mistake. What was once a vice as now become a habit with her. Why should she do it when she knows you will. That isn't a wife. That's freeloader. Agree... you summed it up She will never find any solace, until she admits what the roots are. Sadly, now our family is the wreckage.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummer233 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Despite the fact that I know it is for the best... I am still having a very difficult time coping with and accepting my new life. When I think objectively, I know I wasn't happy. Things were bad, and she was zero support. Thing is, I feel I'm spiraling out of control. I'm drinking, for the wrong reasons. She has a massive support system and is currently high and mighty on the sympathy and praise train. I however, have none. No support. My father is my only living family, and he has a multitude of issues of his own. Health, wife's health, retirement, etc. I am officially depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
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