Marriage

[Python67]

I have been dating this girl for about a year and a half now and since I joined the service we have been two states away for about a eight months. She is getting very on edge about being so far apart, we love each other very much, we don't have that much money to talk all the time and can't see each other all the time. I want a future with her, the only problem is that I wanted to see how well we live togather before i popped the question, the problem is I believe the best solution is to get married because the service will pay for a house and get full medical and dental for her and her daughter. I didn't want to rush into anything but the service is kind of forcing it. What's your advice?

[Tony T]

Before it was trendy to live together, people mostly just courted and got married. This living together thing really got started in earnest about the mid 60's and grew rather slowly in popularity from there. Before that, the greatest majority of people considered it immoral to do so and, in some municipalities, there were ordinances forbidding unmarried couples from cohabitating.

 

The divorce rate was much lower prior to that time. People seemed to be less selfish, overall, and more compromising.

 

If two people love each other and understand they are two unique individuals and seek to work together to mesh their two distinctive lifestyles together in a spirit of loving compromise, there is absolutely no reason not to skip the living together stuff and get married.

 

If the two of you share goals, life philosophies, basic spiritual values and have talked out serious issues like finance, family, etc., there should be no problem. I do think it would be a good idea of enter into a few sessions of premarital counselling to be sure you've covered all the bases. This type of counselling is offered at no cost through the military, either by a chaplain or qualified psychologist. Perhaps you could talk to both.

 

The success of marriage has much more to do with the selflessness and committment of two people to get along, love, forgive, to minimize demands, to compromise, to negotiate and resolve conflicts without being combative and irrational...basically to be mature and willing to give and get along.

 

So if you have all the requirements, love each other enough to work out the little rough spots together cooperatively just like they did in the old days, you should go for it.

 

I assume you have discussed with her the possiblity that your next duty station could be somewhere they don't allow spouses. This is rare, but depending on the branch of service you're in and the nature of your work, that could happen.

 

I think the living together thing initially was a mixture of rebellousness and the desire to be readily available to each other for sex, going out, having fun, etc. and the small detail of getting along well got lost somewhere.

 

Even for people who live together, the ring and the marriage thing put a whole new dimension to the relationship. It's a step that is easily skipped and one that, according to research, gives no better prospects for the success of a marriage than going directly to the alter.

 

For free housing and medical benefits for her and her daughter, that's a really nice wedding present to begin life with.

[Ashesmum]

It's really up to you to get married before living together. I believe living together helps let you know if you guys can make it together. It's like a chance to see without getting married if you can take each others ways and be together all the time in your ways. But it does depend on the way you two are together, how you get along after being together for 24 hours. Things can change from staying the night and living together cause you are constantly with each other. As for the "services making" you get married, no. Tough times help you through life too. Is she willing to move out to you? Maybe get a place to see how it goes and then you can decide if you want to marry her after a period of time. I can understand her getting tired of not seeing you, she wants a relationship that involves having her boyfriend there by her side (not 2 states away). Or you can talk to her and see what she thinks about the whole marriage thought and moving. Good luck on whatever you decide.

I have been dating this girl for about a year and a half now and since I joined the service we have been two states away for about a eight months. She is getting very on edge about being so far apart, we love each other very much, we don't have that much money to talk all the time and can't see each other all the time. I want a future with her, the only problem is that I wanted to see how well we live togather before i popped the question, the problem is I believe the best solution is to get married because the service will pay for a house and get full medical and dental for her and her daughter. I didn't want to rush into anything but the service is kind of forcing it. What's your advice?