My dad put down a $10,000 retainer for a lawyer to avoid paying for my education

[Heart of Dixie]

My parents divorced when I was a teen and their divorce decree says that they each have to pay for half of my college education. My mom has paid for everything so far, and now I find out that he's hired a lawyer (with a $10,000 retainer!!!) to try and fight the wording of the decree and get out of paying.

 

I know my parents shouldn't technically be obligated to pay for my education because I'm an adult, but I can't help but be pissed off at my dad. Why couldn't he just spend the $10,000 on my education?? That money would help me out. It's not like I'm a bad kid or anything. I don't drink or use drugs and I get good grades.

 

He called me and left a message this morning acting like nothing was wrong. He wants me to come home this weekend and go see the Lego movie with my stepsister and half-brother. I don't know if I want to go because of this. Am I wrong for being upset with this? How can he act like he does??

[gaius]

He's got new kids by a new woman so you're no longer a priority. I'm sure whatever woman he's married to now isn't happy at all he's expending resources on a child that isn't hers either. That's usually how it goes. One of the ugly truths in life.

[amaysngrace]

You need to call him out on this. You have a valid point and you should find out why he paid a lawyer money that could have gone toward your education.

 

I don't care if he has ten children from ten women...it does not dismiss the fact that he is your father also. What's worse is that he already had an obligation to provide for you before he chose to procreate some more.

 

You went for your education knowing that both your parents would cover this for you, correct? If you were going to pay this off by yourself or stick your mom with the total bill you most likely would have chosen differently.

 

Anyway I would take some time and think about how your going to bring this up to your dad. I wouldn't go around him until you've processed it all and had a chance to let this marinate and work it out in your head a bit.

[Radu]

Do you have proof that the lawyer in question has a 10k retainer ?

 

I'm thinking that maybe this can be used against him in the court.

 

PS: What kind of an education are we talking here ?

[Art_Critic]

You need to call him out on this. You have a valid point and you should find out why he paid a lawyer money that could have gone toward your education.

<SNIP>

Anyway I would take some time and think about how your going to bring this up to your dad. I wouldn't go around him until you've processed it all and had a chance to let this marinate and work it out in your head a bit.

 

Just love this advice and totally agree but would also throw Radu's in as well.. a 10k retainer is awfully high, even criminal cases only require 5k and divorces as little as 2.5k

[amaysngrace]

a 10k retainer is awfully high, even criminal cases only require 5k and divorces as little as 2.5k

 

Overturning portions of a settlement agreement is a huge procedure. Maybe that's why it's so costly?

[Heart of Dixie]

He's got new kids by a new woman so you're no longer a priority. I'm sure whatever woman he's married to now isn't happy at all he's expending resources on a child that isn't hers either. That's usually how it goes. One of the ugly truths in life.

 

Ouch

 

I think you're right. He contributes to my stepsister's college savings fund even tho she's not his bio daughter. I guess I'm not good enough to be part of his "new" family. Finances are not a problem for them. My dad makes a lot of money. They are able to live very comfortably without my stepmom having to have a job. It just hurts because $10,000 would probably cover 65% of my education, and he would rather spend it fighting to keep money from me than helping me. My tuition is maybe $2500 a year + books. I also work part time to pay my rent and living expenses, but I don't always make enough money to pay for everything so my mom helps me out there too. She doesn't want me to have to take out loans if I can avoid them.

[Heart of Dixie]

You need to call him out on this. You have a valid point and you should find out why he paid a lawyer money that could have gone toward your education.

 

I don't care if he has ten children from ten women...it does not dismiss the fact that he is your father also. What's worse is that he already had an obligation to provide for you before he chose to procreate some more.

 

You went for your education knowing that both your parents would cover this for you, correct? If you were going to pay this off by yourself or stick your mom with the total bill you most likely would have chosen differently.

 

Anyway I would take some time and think about how your going to bring this up to your dad. I wouldn't go around him until you've processed it all and had a chance to let this marinate and work it out in your head a bit.

 

Their divorce decree says that they each have to pay for half of my college. I go to a state school where I have to pay around $2500 + books per year. Other than going to community college for my first two years, I couldn't have gone any cheaper. I also get discounted tuition for being in the honors program, but it's not that much.

[Heart of Dixie]

Do you have proof that the lawyer in question has a 10k retainer ?

 

I'm thinking that maybe this can be used against him in the court.

 

PS: What kind of an education are we talking here ?

 

No proof, only what my stepmom told me. I haven't even told my mom yet because I don't know how :/

[Heart of Dixie]

Just love this advice and totally agree but would also throw Radu's in as well.. a 10k retainer is awfully high, even criminal cases only require 5k and divorces as little as 2.5k

 

I don't know anything about legal fees but my dad is the type of person to hire the most expensive lawyer he can afford. He is very competitive and doesn't like losing. He wouldn't hire an "average" lawyer.

[amaysngrace]

No proof, only what my stepmom told me. I haven't even told my mom yet because I don't know how :/

 

It may not even be true. Your stepmom sounds like she may be jealous of you, as odd as that sounds.

 

Talk to your Dad and ask him if what she said it true. She may be trying to put a wedge between you and him and it sounds like it's working.

 

Talk to him when you can be alone with him.

[hotgurl]

My dad did the same thing to me. I no longer speak to him. I am sorry it is a sucky situation to be in.

[hotgurl]

how do you know all that info about him?

true your mom?

 

if you saw the papers then i think you should call him on that same number and let

him know what you know and ask him why and how you feel about and that you dont want to come around like noting happen because you are upset about this .

 

i have 2 say i had to laugh when i saw your topic. or there is more to it or

there is something really wrong with your dad some how.

 

Why would you laugh. Bio dads screw over their kids all the time. My dad paid a lawyer instead out helping me out with my education. It happens and it is not funny.

[Heart of Dixie]

It may not even be true. Your stepmom sounds like she may be jealous of you, as odd as that sounds.

 

Talk to your Dad and ask him if what she said it true. She may be trying to put a wedge between you and him and it sounds like it's working.

 

Talk to him when you can be alone with him.

 

It's possible. My stepmom has never liked me. I wouldn't put it past my dad either tho. He has a history of being a selfish jerk.

 

I will call him later and ask once I figure out what to say.

[Heart of Dixie]

My dad did the same thing to me. I no longer speak to him. I am sorry it is a sucky situation to be in.

 

Did the judge actually let him not pay? or did he just try to get out of it?

[hotgurl]

Did the judge actually let him not pay? or did he just try to get out of it?

 

He never paid. My mom and stepdad didn't have a lot of money. The lawyer said it would most likely be an expensive legal battle and even if they got a judgement (which the most likely would) good luck getting him to pay it.

 

So they decided they rather give me that money for education than spend it on a court case.

 

I would have been since since I am still paying off my student loans.

[hotgurl]

It is a different situation as I have been estranged from my bio-dad since birth.

 

He has tried to contact me at various points in my life. At 18, when I graduate college, until I asked for help paying of my loans and when I got married.

 

I would just talk to your dad ask if it is true. and if it is true ask why.

[Heart of Dixie]

Before listening to someone else, ask your father about it. This could be your step mum misunderstanding things or trying to make trouble. If it is true, he is using it to punish your mother, not you.

 

He cheated on my mom with my stepmom. He left after my mom got breast cancer, 3 weeks before she got a double masectomy. He has no reason to "punish" my mom any more than he already has. If he is doing this, it's probably at my stepmom's insistance. She doesn't trust him around my mom. Maybe she thinks getting rid of me will finally sever their contact for good.

[d0nnivain]

You do get to be pissed but you need to find out all the facts 1st.

 

A couple of points: a $10k retainer isn't that high in some places;

tuition in some places is $50 - $60k per year or over $200k in 4 years, before room & board & books; in many states its mandatory that both divorced parents contribute to education through terminal degree even if that is a PhD

 

I would go see your dad this weekend & ask him if he paid $10k for a lawyer. Paying $10k to fight $100k might make sense (on an economic / business level but not on a moral one) Paying $10k when that alone would be his contribution to your tuition makes no sense. Your mother may be exaggerating but also if you tell him payment to you of $10k for your tuition gets him off the hook he may reconsider how he allocates his money.

 

If he did what your mother said, I'd fight him tooth & nail but never speak to him again.

[Peanut9330]

My parents divorced when I was a teen and their divorce decree says that they each have to pay for half of my college education. My mom has paid for everything so far, and now I find out that he's hired a lawyer (with a $10,000 retainer!!!) to try and fight the wording of the decree and get out of paying.

 

I know my parents shouldn't technically be obligated to pay for my education because I'm an adult, but I can't help but be pissed off at my dad. Why couldn't he just spend the $10,000 on my education?? That money would help me out. It's not like I'm a bad kid or anything. I don't drink or use drugs and I get good grades.

 

He called me and left a message this morning acting like nothing was wrong. He wants me to come home this weekend and go see the Lego movie with my stepsister and half-brother. I don't know if I want to go because of this. Am I wrong for being upset with this? How can he act like he does??

 

 

I was in the same situation as you my dad wouldn't even give me 5 dollars if I was living on the streets and needed it for food. However he'll do anything for his wife and his other kids. In fact he won't even speak to me and when I talk with my grandmother (his mom) she always makes excuses for him. The best one I heard yet was "oh you changed your number and you never told your father the new one" I've had the same number since I was 18 never once did I change it. I didn't even bother saying anything it's just not worth it. I honestly gave up on the notion that he would do anything for me when one time I asked him for help and his reply was "well if you mother never left me you wouldn't be in this situation".

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this I know how it feels, I just gave up and moved one maybe on day he'll remember that I exist and if not oh well his loss

[Radu]

Ouch

 

I think you're right. He contributes to my stepsister's college savings fund even tho she's not his bio daughter. I guess I'm not good enough to be part of his "new" family. Finances are not a problem for them. My dad makes a lot of money. They are able to live very comfortably without my stepmom having to have a job. It just hurts because $10,000 would probably cover 65% of my education, and he would rather spend it fighting to keep money from me than helping me. My tuition is maybe $2500 a year + books. I also work part time to pay my rent and living expenses, but I don't always make enough money to pay for everything so my mom helps me out there too. She doesn't want me to have to take out loans if I can avoid them.

 

Narcissistic bastard.

 

If you can prove the high pricetag retainer [ok, even if you can hint to it if it's a very known lawyer], you will probably win.

 

I obviously don't know anything about US law, but you need to approach this with some common sense and strategy.

Show that you have kept your expenses low, that you made an effort, that you are not a moocher, and that you are a responsible young lady.

I seriously doubt that any judge will side with him if you can show such a congruent image of a responsible young person, and hint at his narcissistic actions.

 

Btw, did he usually ask you to come over and be with your siblings or is this out of the blue ?

If it is, it's probably a manipulation attempt [probably instinctual on his part].

 

PS: You should look up either narcissistic character traits or egotistical character traits, your dad ain't right.

 

PPS: Investigate the stepmom angle too.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Radu

[VeronicaRoss]

I had a similar situation. So painful, I'm sorry your step-mother is abusing you this way. She is showing some very sad colors. Stay away if you can.

 

Your dad's love of only the best and not wanting to help you (if true) sounds like 'narcissistic personality disorder'. There are books about narcissistic parents, what it is, how to deal with them.

 

But for now...

 

It's interesting you're not immediately telling your mom.

 

Your dad is possibly challenging a legal agreement with her,, and your step-mother is being highly inappropriate and needs to be warned off. That might take your mom going to an attorney, or your mom talking with your dad.

 

It's even possible the stepmother may be gaslighting you by lying to make you look like a liar and a trouble maker and drive a further wedge between you and your father. So document exactly when and what was said. If there are other examples of her trying to upset you with this kind of stuff, write when and what for that too. A pattern of this kind of nastiness could help legally.

 

My dad was similar but kept in check by his parent's expectations of his behavior, could your paternal grandparents help manage him? If they're narcissists too, they may not want the damaged reputation of your dad's behavior as a parent. Or hopefully they just want him to do the right thing and have some sway over him.

 

If the adults in your life will not help you out I'd say you've got a couple of options. First talk directly with Dad about how badly this will make him look to important others who won't appreciate his lack of family values. And mention how you'd treat your own future children. Don't argue (tempting as it is), just mention who would think less of him and why if the word got out. And remind him subtly that he's choosing a path that will not only effect his relationship with you but also his grandchildren. For a narcissist, the most important thing is how they look to people they need to impress.

 

Your dad could very well screw you over and think you two are best buddies and take you to the Lego movie, they compartmentalize like that. So remind them of how their actions look on the outside, to others.

 

If he is that way, do everything you can to keep him out of your life except maybe a big holiday now and then. And realize this is not about your worth as a daughter at all. The best thing of being an adult is that you get to create your own family. He doesn't have to be part of your life -- it's not a right, it's something he has to earn through respectful behavior.

 

My dad is unfortunately also a sociopath, he honestly doesn't care what anyone thinks of him unless he needs something from them. If your dad is like that, I'd say just walk away.

 

If your step-mom was telling you the truth I'd say the most important thing is to read about how to reduce the influence of narcissists in your life, both of them.

 

Do everything to stay away from your dad and step-mother. And focus on building your new life.

[KathyM]

My nephews' dad did the same thing. Stiffed his kids on their college education after the divorce. He had plenty of money, but spent a ton on attorneys' fees to make sure the divorce settlement was going to cost him as little as possible in child support. His son had to join the military and risk his life in order to pay for his own education. The other son had to take out thousands of dollars in college loans and pay back 100% of the cost of his own education, which was entirely financed by college loans. Meanwhile, the father is going on cruises and buying a fancy house with his new girlfriend. Not fair to the kids when a parent has plenty of money and refuses to help the kid at all with college tuition.

 

 

I would suggest you tell your father that you feel very hurt that he is renegging on his agreement to help with tuition cost when he has the money to help you and had agreed to help you. Also, tell him the actual cost of tuition. He may be thinking it's going to be a lot more than it actually is.

[gaius]

Ouch

 

I think you're right. He contributes to my stepsister's college savings fund even tho she's not his bio daughter. I guess I'm not good enough to be part of his "new" family. Finances are not a problem for them. My dad makes a lot of money. They are able to live very comfortably without my stepmom having to have a job. It just hurts because $10,000 would probably cover 65% of my education, and he would rather spend it fighting to keep money from me than helping me. My tuition is maybe $2500 a year + books. I also work part time to pay my rent and living expenses, but I don't always make enough money to pay for everything so my mom helps me out there too. She doesn't want me to have to take out loans if I can avoid them.

If it makes you feel any better neither of my parents wanted to deal with me. My mother used to use the child support she got to pay for the non-existent writing career of my step-father while doing everything possible to get me out of the house and be someone else's responsibility. Most of my high school days were spent at a boarding school paid for by the city and she fought tooth and nail when they wanted to bring me back for the final year. At least you have your mom who loves you.

[OpheliaSong]

He cheated on my mom with my stepmom. He left after my mom got breast cancer, 3 weeks before she got a double masectomy. He has no reason to "punish" my mom any more than he already has. If he is doing this, it's probably at my stepmom's insistance. She doesn't trust him around my mom. Maybe she thinks getting rid of me will finally sever their contact for good.

 

Father of the year huh? If my dad did this to my mom while she was battling breast cancer, he would be a stranger to me. I don't put up with people who treat others bad, not even blood. If he doesn't pay as promised, you have no obligation to give him one more second of your time, and even if he does, you still have no obligation to give him your time and attention. If he will betray your mom when she is at her most vulnerable, don't expect much.