My dad put down a $10,000 retainer for a lawyer to avoid paying for my education

[OpheliaSong]

If it makes you feel any better neither of my parents wanted to deal with me. My mother used to use the child support she got to pay for the non-existent writing career of my step-father while doing everything possible to get me out of the house and be someone else's responsibility. Most of my high school days were spent at a boarding school paid for by the city and she fought tooth and nail when they wanted to bring me back for the final year. At least you have your mom who loves you.

 

So Sorry. That is harsh, Gaius. No one deserves that. Do you still communicate?

[gaius]

So Sorry. That is harsh, Gaius. No one deserves that. Do you still communicate?

Not really. I sent my dad a letter when I was little and got no response which was the end of that. For a while after I moved out my mom would call me up pretending to care when she needed a babysitter for the important children. So I would go over, hoping that helping her out would win me some affection. I'd even use different behavior patterns each time, like once I'd bring a whole bunch of groceries and not let her buy me anything. Then another time I'd do the exact opposite and let her give me whatever she wanted. But nothing ever worked, I never won any real affection. Always got the "I'm through with you, go away" vibe when she was done with me. After a million tries it finally got through my skull that you can't really make people love you, they either do or they don't.

 

So not so much anymore, I said no the last time she asked. I think it was a helpful experience overall though. Toughens you up and gives you a heads up to what people actually are behind all the bull****. Helps you to go into your adult relationships with more realistic expectations. Thank you for asking Ophelia, that felt good to talk about.

[jellybean89]

Talk to your dad first before jumping to any conclusions.

[OpheliaSong]

Not really. I sent my dad a letter when I was little and got no response which was the end of that. For a while after I moved out my mom would call me up pretending to care when she needed a babysitter for the important children. So I would go over, hoping that helping her out would win me some affection. I'd even use different behavior patterns each time, like once I'd bring a whole bunch of groceries and not let her buy me anything. Then another time I'd do the exact opposite and let her give me whatever she wanted. But nothing ever worked, I never won any real affection. Always got the "I'm through with you, go away" vibe when she was done with me. After a million tries it finally got through my skull that you can't really make people love you, they either do or they don't.

 

So not so much anymore, I said no the last time she asked. I think it was a helpful experience overall though. Toughens you up and gives you a heads up to what people actually are behind all the bull****. Helps you to go into your adult relationships with more realistic expectations. Thank you for asking Ophelia, that felt good to talk about.

 

Hi, Gaius. It might have made you tough, but no child should ever feel unwanted. They were wrong to treat you like that. Makes me so angry for the child you were and the man you are now. Hugs, if ok.

[carhill]

Am I wrong for being upset with this?

IMO, you're entitled to any feelings you may have on the matter.

How can he act like he does??

Spend 10-15 grand to save a 100-150 grand, not a bad bargain in my book. Men are practical/pragmatic and he apparently has a new family to focus on.

 

Editorially, while it apparently has become commonplace and often expected for parents to provide their children with a college education, that's a relatively new development, expectation. In my generation and demographic, it was considered a cherished gift and never expected. I went to private school, at substantial tuition cost, but had to put myself through college, and I did, working summers sweating in the sun at a cotton seed processing plant. That teaches something that a 10K retainer and paid education can't teach...work ethic. Good luck!

[ASG]

IMO, you're entitled to any feelings you may have on the matter.

Spend 10-15 grand to save a 100-150 grand, not a bad bargain in my book. Men are practical/pragmatic and he apparently has a new family to focus on.

 

Editorially, while it apparently has become commonplace and often expected for parents to provide their children with a college education, that's a relatively new development, expectation. In my generation and demographic, it was considered a cherished gift and never expected. I went to private school, at substantial tuition cost, but had to put myself through college, and I did, working summers sweating in the sun at a cotton seed processing plant. That teaches something that a 10K retainer and paid education can't teach...work ethic. Good luck!

 

Only he's spending 10k to... save 10k? OP has stated those 10k would pay for 65% of her whole college tuition. So it's not pragmatic, just stupid.

 

And Of course things are different from country to country but where I'm from, it is *very* normal for parents to pay for higher education. And it's not a new thing either.

But then again, unless you go to a private university (and very few of those are respectable), tuition fees are about 2000/year plus books. And this is a very big increase in recent years.

In my country who just don't hear about student loans. They don't exist.

[hotgurl]

IMO, you're entitled to any feelings you may have on the matter.

Spend 10-15 grand to save a 100-150 grand, not a bad bargain in my book. Men are practical/pragmatic and he apparently has a new family to focus on.

 

Editorially, while it apparently has become commonplace and often expected for parents to provide their children with a college education, that's a relatively new development, expectation. In my generation and demographic, it was considered a cherished gift and never expected. I went to private school, at substantial tuition cost, but had to put myself through college, and I did, working summers sweating in the sun at a cotton seed processing plant. That teaches something that a 10K retainer and paid education can't teach...work ethic. Good luck!

 

Well it is different now. The colleges themselves expect the parents to pay. They state it outright. That is also why you have to include your parents income on your financial aid forms.

 

There is no way you could pay for college today by working during the summer. We are going to pay 100,000 for our daughter's state school education. She is paying 20,000 we are paying the rest.

 

A child cannot be considered independent until they are 27 or have a child. So until then the college want the parents income. It does not matter if the child is living independently.

[carhill]

Only he's spending 10k to... save 10k? OP has stated those 10k would pay for 65% of her whole college tuition. So it's not pragmatic, just stupid.

 

And Of course things are different from country to country but where I'm from, it is *very* normal for parents to pay for higher education. And it's not a new thing either.

But then again, unless you go to a private university (and very few of those are respectable), tuition fees are about 2000/year plus books. And this is a very big increase in recent years.

In my country who just don't hear about student loans. They don't exist.

I find it telling that the OP didn't put that in their opening post but rather saved it for later. In my experience with young people, that's called 'sweetening the pot'. With older people, 'trickle truth'. Deal with employees enough and one becomes cynical about people in general.

 

If the young lady's tuition is indeed 2500.00 per year, now unheard of in my area, even for a state college (more like community 2 year college), she can still easily work full time off-semester and pay for it. Heck, I earned more than that per summer doing a manual labor job back in the 1970's, almost 40 years ago. 'College fund' was 'son, work hard and every dollar you *save* I'll match'. The curse of having a CPA for a father!

 

What I'm hearing from the OP is that she's pretty pissed at her dad. Anger is a strong emotion. It can impel many actions. Her job is to take actions that benefit her the most, now as an adult, and move forward. Dad is a turnip there is no blood to get from, so direct the anger in a beneficial way. If he's that bad of a person as he's been largely characterized here, erase him and move on. It's not the first time a young person has disconnected their parent; it won't be the last. OP, make a choice that's healthy for *you*. If dad and his miserly ways are unhealthy for you, move on from him. That's my advice.

[VeronicaRoss]

In my generation and demographic, it was considered a cherished gift and never expected. I went to private school, at substantial tuition cost, but had to put myself through college, and I did, working summers sweating in the sun at a cotton seed processing plant. That teaches something that a 10K retainer and paid education can't teach...work ethic. Good luck!

 

And you walked to private school everyday in four feet of snow, shoveling the entire way! I get your point, but you're missing the point. She's willing to work, there is gamey undermining from a step-parent.

 

Carhill, I'm 51. Let's compare then and now.

 

People in our day paying for their education did not saddle themselves with anywhere near the same amount of debt, no matter how you adjust for inflation. If you are in the US or the UK, the government underwrote the vast majority of our education in public universities, that doesn't happen any longer, so tuition has shot up disproportionately. There were also more jobs that had more real earning power when we graduated (although far less than when our parent's graduated).

 

The issue here is a step-mother being cruel and selfish, and potentially a father saying he'd rather spend his money elsewhere after making a commitment to help his children out -- it's demonstrating his priorities including there are 'sides' in the family with winners and losers -- they aren't all in it together. He and his wife just appear to be using money to make the point that the past is done, including family. A story as old as human beings, and about the most painful wounds that can be created.

[Tayla]

One- A Divorce Decree is its own entity.

two- A CHild Custody agreement is its own document and agreement.

 

This is Between the Parents/ Guardians. The OP is welcome to her opinion and thats it.

 

The Formal agreement is between the parents and the courts. The OP will need to gain her own attorney if she wishes to contest any of the set provisions. Her father is within his rights if he contests certain portions, the law allows this . None of us here have proof of the verbage, so its not our place to counsel the OP.

 

I side with the right to be an adult at 18 and provide for your own secondary education. Naturally the court documents supercede any opinion I may have, the courts and contractual law prevail.

[carhill]

And you walked to private school everyday in four feet of snow, shoveling the entire way! I get your point, but you're missing the point. She's willing to work, there is gamey undermining from a step-parent.

 

Carhill, I'm 51. Let's compare then and now.

 

People in our day paying for their education did not saddle themselves with anywhere near the same amount of debt, no matter how you adjust for inflation. If you are in the US or the UK, the government underwrote the vast majority of our education in public universities, that doesn't happen any longer, so tuition has shot up disproportionately. There were also more jobs that had more real earning power when we graduated (although far less than when our parent's graduated).

 

The issue here is a step-mother being cruel and selfish, and potentially a father saying he'd rather spend his money elsewhere after making a commitment to help his children out -- it's demonstrating his priorities including there are 'sides' in the family with winners and losers -- they aren't all in it together. He and his wife just appear to be using money to make the point that the past is done, including family. A story as old as human beings, and about the most painful wounds that can be created.

No, there was no snow where I lived and it was exactly 1.5 miles to primary school and 2.7 miles to high school and I walked, rode my bike or took the bus until old enough to drive, after age 9. At that point, age 9, I had a paper route, so had a bicycle, so had my own transportation. That was when work life began, and continues to this day, 46 years later. Want to go to college? Work. Want a car? Work. Want a house? Work. If anything, young people should be smarter, harder working and more inventive than those who went before them. Prettier too. If we're not improving, we're failing.

 

So, with the response to that passive aggressive disparaging remark out of the way, let's get back to the nuts and bolts of the OP's dilemma. She's working. She's going to a apparently low-tuition state college. She's mad at her father for not paying for it like he said he would. She has absolutely no control over her father or anyone else in the world. This is a great life lesson that any young person may face in life - It is:

 

Life isn't fair!

[Art_Critic]

I would believe that the father would have to have a legal reason to have the agreement changed. Judges don't like to undo agreements that are judges orders unless there is a reason, such as hardship.

 

Him laying down a 10k retainer doesn't mean he will not be made by the courts to make good on the original agreement.

By the sounds of it he hasn't had any hardship that would stop him from paying.

 

I'd say to the OP that she should speak with her dad about it and since she is over 18 then if it came to court then retain her own counsel and side with her Mom.

[Art_Critic]

Life isn't fair!

 

No it isn't, when I was 18 I was working well over 80 hours a week to put food on the table and pay rent and it hasn't stopped being unfair yet.. and I'm 50 now...

[Heart of Dixie]

I spoke with my dad last night. He has not put down the retainer yet, but he and my stepmom have "talked" about this and already spoken to a lawyer. "Their" reasoning is that I am a spoiled brat who needs to learn the value of hard work and money. When I asked how he expects me to pay for this, he told me to get a job. After I reminded him I already have one, he told me to get a second one.

 

I also spoke with my stepmom who went on and on about how she doesn't agree with how my mother raised me, which is pretty rich considering the fact that my 16 year old stepsister already has already been arrested for shoplifting twice! Obviously she is the epitome of good parenting here.

 

I ended up saying a lot of things out of anger, some I regret and some I don't. My dad has tried calling me a few times since then but I haven't answered. I think I would be happier to never speak to him again. I also find myself thinking of petty revenge scenarios like becoming a stripper just because I know it would upset him. He wants me to work a second job? I'll work one.

 

I told my mom about everything after I got off the phone with them. I was crying and raging the whole time, but she made me feel better. She has a stressful job, and I hate her having to worry about me on top of everything. She said that she thinks my dad is bluffing, but she'll hire an attorney if the time comes.

 

I have so many thoughts right now that I don't know what to feel. I don't think my dad loves me

[ASG]

 

I ended up saying a lot of things out of anger, some I regret and some I don't. My dad has tried calling me a few times since then but I haven't answered. I think I would be happier to never speak to him again. I also find myself thinking of petty revenge scenarios like becoming a stripper just because I know it would upset him. He wants me to work a second job? I'll work one.

 

 

You say that, but I actually know 2 girls who paid for drama school that way. For the 3 years they were there they stripped. Their reasoning is that they thought they looked good and had no nudity issues, so why not capitalise on that?

Don't consider it to spite your dad. But it could be an option if you don't morally object to it.

 

As for what your dad and stepmom said... It sounds like what some other poster said before... that your stepmom probably objects to any money being spent in someone who is not her child. And your dad seems to be going along with it.

[Tayla]

One can't see the forest thru the trees. The more I read here, the more I side realistically that this is about a Daughter's relationship or lack there of then it is about HER "NEEDING" an education. I think her best education will rarely be found in a book, ...Life lessons are held everyday, free of charge even. Just show up

[VeronicaRoss]

Life isn't fair!

 

Probably the basis of most posts here at LS.

 

Why not leave aggressive jeering behind in addressing the OP -- who is showing no evidence of self-pity, laziness or an unwillingness to take action? She's dealing with betrayal.

 

And btw, to your point of prettier and smarter with each generation and all that, that's actually not an accurate take on Darwinian theory. Survival of the fittest is circumstantial so the fittest might actually be ugly, stupid and lazy. Darwin has actually been proven wrong anyway. Not creationist wrong, but scientifically wrong. It's not adaptation that drives evolution, it's mutation.

[Grumpybutfun]

This isn't a life lesson except on how to abandon your child for your new family. This kid is working and has said nothing to make me think she is a spoiled brat. Life lessons, spoiled brat?

 

OP, You are trying to get an education here, not asking for breast implants or a Corvette. Absurd. He already made the agreement in the divorce decree...let him go in there with his high retainer lawyer and the reasoning of you being a spoiled brat for wanting an education which is something you would have had if your mom and dad had stayed together. The court always sides with providing a child what they would have had if the parents had not separated and divorced...at least in the states.

He does love you. Your stepmom is the puppeteer...your dad is being foolish and blind. It happens and that is what isn't fair in life is that some people are easily led and persuaded to do the wrong thing by people who want total power over finances.

Pursue your education and have a great life. If your dad takes this to court, he will have to show hardship or a change in circumstances regardless of how high powered of a lawyer he gets. Be honest and open with your dad on how you feel. It is his job as your father to act like the parent and work this out with you.

Good luck, you have done nothing wrong.

Grumps

[pteromom]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You don't sound like a spoiled brat at all to me. Just a girl who wants to be loved and prioritized by her dad. It's a real shame he doesn't see that.

 

You say he makes a lot of money, so what is he really losing by helping you out?

 

Your stepmom sounds like a controlling biyotch. Unfortunately she controls your dad's sex life, so he is going to go with whatever she says.

 

I am glad you have a mom that loves you and is trying to protect you.

[preraph]

I agree you need to call him out. Unless the decree has a time limit on it that he only has to do it until you're so old, then he will need to pay and you should actively be sure you are at any court proceedings and fight him on it, as should your poor mother. I wouldn't have anything to do with him until he does and tell him why.

[MissTrudy]

this man is a douche. sorry you have such a horrible father. i am curious, what type of relationship did you have with him and step mother before this all happened? it seems like you guys are close that you talk a lot. people change when money and power is on the line, however

[Tayla]

This isn't a life lesson except on how to abandon your child for your new family. This kid is working and has said nothing to make me think she is a spoiled brat. Life lessons, spoiled brat?

 

OP, You are trying to get an education here, not asking for breast implants or a Corvette. Absurd. He already made the agreement in the divorce decree...let him go in there with his high retainer lawyer and the reasoning of you being a spoiled brat for wanting an education which is something you would have had if your mom and dad had stayed together. The court always sides with providing a child what they would have had if the parents had not separated and divorced...at least in the states.

He does love you. Your stepmom is the puppeteer...your dad is being foolish and blind. It happens and that is what isn't fair in life is that some people are easily led and persuaded to do the wrong thing by people who want total power over finances.

Pursue your education and have a great life. If your dad takes this to court, he will have to show hardship or a change in circumstances regardless of how high powered of a lawyer he gets. Be honest and open with your dad on how you feel. It is his job as your father to act like the parent and work this out with you.

Good luck, you have done nothing wrong.

Grumps

 

Grumps, I respectfully disagree with your statements. (1) NONE of us here "KNOW" what/if anything is in the CUSTODY agreement. So jumping to a side only spoken by the adolecence is already set to be partial/bias. Keep an open mind. A Divorce decree is NOT the same as the Custody agreement.

And this is a life lesson whether you care to agree or not. She does NOT have a choice in who her parents are, so she can choose to Disown her Dad over this or "learn" to find other ways to gain a higher education. Short of what is really written in the CUSTODY agreement, the father has the right to contest it. Unless its court ordered he doesnt have to "work" this out with his daughter. She is of legal age from what I understand. Her perspective is just that, her perspective. Which she has a right to convey. She also has a right to stand on her own two feet. How in Gosh's name is she ever going to learn independent life choices if Daddy is going to need to provide. I'm sure he gave much in child support so lets not label him a complete loser. Her mother bares responsibility too in the contribution to her education if its in the CUSTODY agreement. I say this as a Parent who raised two sons without their father, so I understand the system. My kids got scholarships and internships thru college and graduated with masters. A custody decree didnt stop them. Yet this Young Lass is using the decree to fault her father. Carhill made some valid and truthfull statements.

[hotgurl]

Well the OP never said she was going to stop her education. She stated she works part time to pay for living expenses and presumably goes to school full time.

 

 

So she is learning to be independent. She just wants to try to avoid taking out a lot of student loans.

 

As a parent I would think if you could afford it you would want to give your child the gift of starting life debt free.

 

My the crux of this I believe is the statement she made.

 

That she feels as though he is not good enough to be part of his new family, due to his actions.

 

And I don't know what kind of life lesson that teaches other than her dad is an A$$.

[janedoe67]

I don't see the money as the issue. it seems to be that the hurt comes from a father who is fighting not to have to help his daughter. Whether "elder" people can understand that or not, I completely understand why it feels like a rejection to the OP.

[writergal]

I think the OP should definitely confront her dad about this issue. I can relate because my parents agreed to pay for my sister to attend an out of state college whereas when I got accepted to an out of state college, they refused to pay and so I was forced to attend one in the city where I live, which I hated. It definitely was a case of my parents playing favorites, and I've never forgotten that.

 

OP, you deserve to have your college paid for by your dad if he agreed to it. That's the least he can do for you. You are his child after all. If he refuses to help, maybe you can apply for grants to get the extra tuition you will need. I'd talk to your college's financial aid office about what grants you can apply for. If you have to take out students loans for your last 2 years of college, so be it. But try to exhaust all your options first: dad, Pell Grant, second job, or financial aid.

 

Good luck to you OP.