my girlfriend, the alcoholic

[from]

We met over three months ago and moved in under a month ago. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to marry her. I want her to have my children. I would uproot my life for her and live in complete poverty to be with her. However, I am completely lost with where this relationship will go.

 

I noticed that she drank a lot (my last ex was an alcoholic and actually sobered up within a few months of meeting me and is still 100% sober) when we first met but I didn't know how bad it was until I moved in with her. She drank 10+ beers a day (at work as well because she would get withdrawal symptoms if she did not). I bit my tongue because I figured she should want to stop rather than me telling her to. She recently went on a 3 day detox drug which helped fend off cravings for alcohol and have minimal withdrawal symptoms. Before the 72 hour detox was up, she had drank a beer. She said it was in her best interest and when I said that I don't know what to say (I was baffled), she told me, "Don't worry about it then."

 

I decided to take a walk at that point. I was frustrated that she had started drinking (she has told me that she cannot control herself so I know that once she starts, it will eventually go back to the same quantity as before) and I was even angrier about the way she told me not to worry.

 

I have barely spoken a word to her since this happened last night. I am at a loss right now. I do not know what to do. Actually, I think I do and the thought of not being with her scares me.

[TaraMaiden]

Why?

 

I would have thought that the thought of being without you, for the reasons you will give her - should scare her more....

[Allumere]

Step away. You have only been together for 3 months and already living together??? Of course you didn't know her. Not to snub your feelings but that is fast and certainly adds a layer of stress and pressure to both of you. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. She will not change because you love her or she loves you......you know this. She needs to want to do this for her. In the meantime my friend, based on your reaction to her recent slip, you will not be able to handle her failures...it will hurt you too much and in turn, you will hurt her.

[from]

Step away. You have only been together for 3 months and already living together??? Of course you didn't know her. Not to snub your feelings but that is fast and certainly adds a layer of stress and pressure to both of you. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. She will not change because you love her or she loves you......you know this. She needs to want to do this for her. In the meantime my friend, based on your reaction to her recent slip, you will not be able to handle her failures...it will hurt you too much and in turn, you will hurt her.

 

I would understand a slip or a lapse but it seems like she knew what she was doing and will be back to drinking heavily in no time. Of course, I could be wrong as we have not sat down and spoken about it.

 

I cannot explain how I have the feelings that I do for her in 3 months but only the people in the relationship can truly understand it. I would not have moved so quickly with her if I thought, even for a second, that the feelings weren't 100% genuine or were temporary.

[from]

Why?

 

I would have thought that the thought of being without you, for the reasons you will give her - should scare her more....

 

I should tell her that if she doesn't stop drinking, we are done?

[TaraMaiden]

No...I think you explain your past experience.

You tell her you care for her more than anyone else.

you would like her to consider AA.

 

And tell her that it's too painful for you to stay and watch her drink her liver to death and stand by and do nothing.

 

Which in a nutshell, is "If you don't stop drinking we're done" but in a more constructive way....

[from]

No...I think you explain your past experience.

You tell her you care for her more than anyone else.

you would like her to consider AA.

 

And tell her that it's too painful for you to stay and watch her drink her liver to death and stand by and do nothing.

 

Which in a nutshell, is "If you don't stop drinking we're done" but in a more constructive way....

 

That sounds fair. Should I do it asap or wait and see what her drinking habits become?

[TaraMaiden]

What do you think?

 

How much worse would you like to wait for this to become....?

[jphcbpa]

ask yourself why you are dating/attracting alcoholic women.

 

check out alanon for yourself regardless of what she does.

[Zahara]

OP, I have a friend that attends AA at least three times a week. It's a struggle to stay on the right path and one has to be wanting to make that change for themselves. That addiction never really goes away, it's managed.

 

I have two family members that are alcoholics. It took one to the brink of suicide to decide that he needed help and has been sober ever since but with AA meetings and a desire to stay sober.

 

She needs to want to change. She needs to want to stay sober. Until she does that and consistenly shows progress and commitment, you should step away from her.

 

I would suggest you seek guidance as to why you are dependent on someone so fast so soon, and the "live in poverty with her -- alcohol and all" sounds co-dependent. Look it up. It's nice to see that in the movies but real life doesn't always pan out so romantically.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Zahara

[from]

OP, I have a friend that attends AA at least three times a week. It's a struggle to stay on the right path and one has to be wanting to make that change for themselves. That addiction never really goes away, it's managed.

 

I have two family members that are alcoholics. It took one to the brink of suicide to decide that he needed help and has been sober ever since but with AA meetings and a desire to stay sober.

 

She needs to want to change. She needs to want to stay sober. Until she does that and consistenly shows progress and commitment, you should step away from her.

 

I would suggest you seek guidance as to why you are dependent on someone so fast so soon, and the "live in poverty with her -- alcohol and all" sounds co-dependent. Look it up. It's nice to see that in the movies but real life doesn't always pan out so romantically.

 

I did not say "alcohol and all." What does dependence have to do with the situation? I am the first to admit that the most realistic outcome may be breaking up. I appreciate the advice.

[Zahara]

I did not say "alcohol and all." What does dependence have to do with the situation? I am the first to admit that the most realistic outcome may be breaking up. I appreciate the advice.

 

Your dependence on needing/having someone. You knew this woman for three months. A drop in the bucket. You then move in two months into your "relationship". I'm not discounting your feelings at all. You can absolutely "fall in love" with someone in that short a time but what would be your need to move in with someone when 2 months isn't any amount of time sufficient enough to actually KNOW someone?

 

Why did you need to rush an important step, and yes moving in is a huge life changing and important step, when you hardly knew this person? Love someone, yes, by all means but taking your time and making sure you're having healthy boundaries to protect yourself is crucial. It also allows you to go in with your eyes open. Feelings don't equal moving in.

 

You went from one ex who had an alcohol problem, and I am sure in the first two months of knowing this woman, she would have definitely showed at least some tell tale signs of her alcohol intake.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Zahara

[devilish innocent]

This woman is really in no position to be a wife or a mother. So as much as you may want to marry her or have kids with her right now, you will experience a lot more heartache down the line if you do. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, you'll find the strength to do what you have to do. I just really hope that you do not bring any children into this situation before then.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

You have the cart before horse.

 

Alcoholics are crap parents and spouses.

 

Until she's decided for herself to kick it, you can do nothing. Most alcoholics need a severe crisis to get that to happen. You being supportive, will not allow that crisis to occur. You leaving might.

 

I wish it were different. Perhaps you will be the exception. But I spent 8 years with an alcoholic and all my support did, was to enable.

[Tayla]

You have the cart before horse.

 

Alcoholics are crap parents and spouses.

 

Until she's decided for herself to kick it, you can do nothing. Most alcoholics need a severe crisis to get that to happen. You being supportive, will not allow that crisis to occur. You leaving might.

 

I wish it were different. Perhaps you will be the exception. But I spent 8 years with an alcoholic and all my support did, was to enable.

 

In the most oddest of ways , thank you for saying alcoholics are crap spouses and parents. makes my recovery that much more meaningful. Twenty some years recovering and you are the first to come forth and state such. My kids would beg to differ as would my now ex spouse, but hey, I get your gist, you mean actively contributing to the disease.

The OP (whether aware or not) is definitely attracted to addicts. The track record speaks for itself. I can spot an active addict a mile away and then run in the opposite direction. No sense in mingling with the irrationally diseased.

 

I will agree with the OP that a person can have positive attributes when in an addiction....it will though eventually shadow it to the point of obscurity.

[Taramere]

Why?

 

I was just about to type exactly that. Why? Why on earth would the thought of not being with this woman scare you? You've only known her for three months. What was your life like before you met her, and why is it such a scary prospect to return to that life?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I will agree with the OP that a person can have positive attributes when in an addiction....it will though eventually shadow it to the point of obscurity.

 

I do so agree. How I put it to myself once I wised up, was that her better qualities for which I loved her, were at the service of her worse qualities. To the point where all was poisoned.

 

When I say alcoholics are crap spouses/parents, I do not mean in the AA sense of always an alcoholic for the rest of your life even if you have not a drop more. I mean in the sense that their relationships are secondary to booze, and the booze itself tends to make them unreliable / scary / moody / and generally self-absorbed. If you're an alcoholic, your world contracts around you, is how one put it to me.

[OldRover]

Alcohol can be very difficult to control and the abuser has to be the one to cure it.

 

I've had two very close loved ones with alcohol problem, and did most everything I could to solve the problem.. counseling, treatment, AA, etc. etc....

 

One got thru it, put it behind and went on to live a very happy life. The other still has issues after 30 years, and I see no cure in the future... but would give my life if it would make a difference for this person but their decision is not to do anything about it and blame others. It's extremely frustrating and can be impossible to deal with.

 

If one can get themselves help... do so with aggressiveness and be successful. Alcohol can bury people... literally!

 

And, I'd not come close to getting involved with an alcoholic unless they could clearly get help and cure the problem. Ain't worth it.

[robbysurfs]

In my experience alcoholism is a self diagnosed problem the good news is there is somewhere he or she can go assuming she or he is a alcoholic. I have been sober for many years now and my life was completely unmanageable. I had to hit a hard bottom for me to come to. I found AA, however there are other programs and avenues you can research but that is what worked for me. ...Good luck and g-d bless.

 

I would take a look at this it might be helpful or have no relevance to you at all.

 

http://mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Why?

 

I would have thought that the thought of being without you, for the reasons you will give her - should scare her more....

 

In a perfect world maybe... she's dealing with an addiction..

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, I have a friend that attends AA at least three times a week. It's a struggle to stay on the right path and one has to be wanting to make that change for themselves. That addiction never really goes away, it's managed.

 

I have two family members that are alcoholics. It took one to the brink of suicide to decide that he needed help and has been sober ever since but with AA meetings and a desire to stay sober.

 

She needs to want to change. She needs to want to stay sober. Until she does that and consistenly shows progress and commitment, you should step away from her.

 

I would suggest you seek guidance as to why you are dependent on someone so fast so soon, and the "live in poverty with her -- alcohol and all" sounds co-dependent. Look it up. It's nice to see that in the movies but real life doesn't always pan out so romantically.

 

I come a long line of alcoholics of varying levels. Some have made it and some have not and many more have f*cked up their lives and that of their families because of their disease.

 

Getting sober is about the addict WANTING to get and stay sober. It NEVER works if they're doing it for someone else or because they've been threatened into going into recovery for fear of losing someone. Sure it may SEEM like that works initially if only because it frightens them but in the long run, it doesn't. THEY have to want it. Plain and simple.

 

It's one of the most difficult diseases to battle and conquer and it's a LIFELONG disease as well. Anyone that loves an alcoholic knows this. The sacrifices partners make on behalf of their partners is considerable because we're always hanging on the hope that our love will cure them, fix them.

 

It's a very hard thing to make peace with.

[SkyLex]

i think you really have to help her in a sense that you must solve her alcohol issues.. you said she's the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. but i'm sure you do not want to spend the rest of your life with an alcoholic one..problems and conflicts will surely arise if she doesn't get treated.