6 weeks no contact with feelings of confusion

[hippetyhop]

Long rant ahead....

 

It’s been awhile since I posted as I’m working to get over xMM. I’ve fallen into my own mini-funk (between this and going back to grad school and working full-time—huge lifestyle change! Nobody told me the consequences of taking 4 grad classes and working 40 hours a week!). That is how I feel about this I’m just trying to figure things out. Nobody seems to understand. I’m just all over the place with this. Surprisingly, no tears for quite a long time either. I just need to rant.

 

We had first a 9 month A. Then his wife found out about prior activities (not him and I). She was given a heads up about something that “happened in the past that is coming back to bite him”-- his words. I found out from a mutual friend that she was sent screen shots of AFF type sites (not that particular site) he joined years before I even knew him. From what the mutual friend told me (she had no idea about our A), it was left at her asking him if he had anything he wanted to tell her; he replied no. That was the end of conversation that she knows of. I’m not even sure if he acted/met, or if he just put it up b/c he was looking and curious. They’ve been married 8 years and have 3 young kids.

 

Our A was very, very emotionally based. When we originally began talking, we didn’t discuss us having an A. After the findings, things went very LC after that. I ended it, and he told me that he wanted to “be friends” and he was happy I asked for that as he wasn’t sure what was going on with anything. At that time, he said he wasn’t sure what was going on with his marriage. He knew he was caught. I told him to focus on his family.

 

3 months later- he contacted me asking for another go. I said sure. I know I shouldn’t have. Fool me once-shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me. I asked him how his home life was. He said he thought things at home would change, but they went right back to how it was. In his terms prior to any talks of us being physical their M lacked emotion, physical bonding post kids (3 young kids in a short span) put a rut between them. I’m not sure how much is true, but can very well be.

 

Things went well for about a month (we picked up where we left off—calling me everyday before/after work, seeing each other, etc.) then he stopped calling. I called him out on it, and he said everything was good between us. We would make plans to get together, but he would cancel (not all the time)— one time he said he was afraid BS would drive past his work. I think she still had suspicions. He would apologize and said he would make it up to me. I was never mean or irate towards him when he canceled; I told him I understood. I never made comments or made him feel guilty about things that can be beyond his control due to him causing it. I knew that can be nature of an A. Maybe I should have been.

 

One thing that changed this round was that he used to be able to come and go as he pleased. Between BS findings, and him having surgery which left him unable to work as often as he did (due to the type of surgery, he was unable to perform his line of work. Obviously, he couldn’t use that excuse to leave home how did in the past). He told me he was having a bit of depression due to the lifestyle change of not being able to do everything things. He kept telling me that we were good, and he's sorry he wasn't able to see me as he did before and once he's better, we'd have time. This was before he ended it. He fed me the line that he trusts me. He knows that if he said he can't talk because X is going on, or that he's busy with the kids, etc., that I wouldn't bother him.

 

6 weeks ago tomorrow (right after he canceled plans) he told me “by his design, things weren’t as intense; he needs us to be friends; things will fall into place; what will be, will be; it’s not the end.” I told him if he needs to take a step back, I understand. He said that is what he needs for now. That was the last I have heard from him. We never discussed going NC; I will not contact him first. He said he needed space; I'm giving it to him.

 

But I wonder, any idea as to what he expects? Does he expect me to wait around for when it is convenient for him? My suspicions is that he just wanted a quick piece and not what we had before. Is this his way of ending it without officially ending it? Gut feeling though- I won’t hear from him again. I have no idea as to what triggered this or what is going on. I’m not mad; I’m just confused. I think I would feel more at ease/peace if I knew what happened that led him to end it. If anything, I should see this as a blessing in disguise if it is his way out. I deserve someone who can give me their all, and vis-versa.

 

Has anyone had a xAP who “needed a break” and that was the end of it, and never heard from them again? That is how I'm taking his message. For some reason, I’m still in awe and heartbroken. I know I need to move on from him (please don't lecture me on that), but I know for my own good it is still too soon. I am not opposed to dating (single men!), but I just need a bit of time til this settles.

Edited February 25, 2014 by hippetyhop