shrinesx Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 My ex and I broke up months ago in May. He was moving to another state for college and it wasn't feasible to be together. This summer, I plan on moving to the same area as him. We've talked and I'm going to stay with him in early May to get started. I'm also going to visit in late March to go to the school and he said I could stay with him. I plan on moving in two months. We're not officially a couple but we act like it. We've spoken for hours on the phone for the last seven months since he left. It's been a series of ups and downs, but he's told me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel the same way. A problem has presented itself recently, however. Even though it's only two months away, my ex wants to date. He just came out of depression through music and has been meeting new people through his live shows. He's very in the moment and wants to "play everything by ear". He dislikes planning in advance when it comes to relationships. He said if we were to get back together, he wants it to build organically when I'm physically there as opposed to agreeing to date when I get out there because we're so young. I can respect it, but I feel totally differently. It makes me feel as though I'm not worth the effort of waiting two stupid months. I need help figuring out what to do. I'm planning on doing NIC and LC for the next bit. I'm trying hard to focus on myself. I know it may not seem worth it, but I want to try things again with him. Advice is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 He isn't going to commit to you. Take his lead: date and play things by sear. Don't put your eggs in his basket m'dear. And I hope you aren't moving to the area to be close to him :/. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shrinesx Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks. I suppose it's best I focus on myself for the next two months, then. Time will tell. I'm sick of caring so much about the outcome of this. I love the university as well as the area but I'm scared of being without a support system (at least emotionally). It's so scary to think about :/ Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 You will meet plenty of new guys yourself. Don't tie yourself to him. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Ask him if he can set you up to stay with a girl on campus when you get there. Make sure it's not someone he's dating. And then go out with her and her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Will you be going to school there as well? If so focus on that & use the school's resources for emotional support, not him. Do not count on him for housing either. Make other arrangements before you move. If you see him while you are there fine but as part of the preparations you need to act like he doesn't exist & not count on him for anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shrinesx Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yeah, I'll definitely try to find a new place as soon as I can. It's just hard without physically being there and I don't want to shell out money on a hotel room for however long. I also absolutely will take summer classes. If I dislike it and I can't handle being so far away, I'll come back before the fall semester. I do have a backup plan in case it all falls through. He texted me today. "Nicotine helps make work more bearable". I just ignored it. I don't want to be so easily accessible and I just don't feel like talking to him right now unless I'm wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Heraclius Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 That was a stupid text to send, I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Enjoy college and don't tie yourself to a guy who wants desperately to be free. You have years yet to find a husband and get married and have kids. That is the only reason for dating exclusively so enjoy your youth and get your own place, take classes, break up with him, and meet new people. I loved college and had a great time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 All of the signs are there yet you plan to ignore them and give it a try knowing that he has zero intentions of committing. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you are doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Why are you going through with this? (Staying with him in March and again in May, I mean) You are going to get hurt. He's plainly told you he would like to date other women; how will you feel when you're in his home and he's out on a date? Or when you're lounging on the couch, and he's chatting on the phone or texting with her? Do not depend on him. You need to get out there and meet other guys. Don't wait around for him, because he's been honest that he's not going to do the same for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 He said if we were to get back together, he wants it to build organically when I'm physically there as opposed to agreeing to date when I get out there because we're so young. This means that until you are there to give him sex, he's going to get it wherever he can. He is NOT mature enough for what you want from him. You are best off dating other people and seeing what happens in the next two months. I know it may not seem worth it, but I want to try things again with him. Advice is appreciated. Don't make this decision based on your feelings. Make it based on his actions. Unless he becomes ready to commit to you, protect your heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 It's rather obvious that he doesn't want to commit to you. If he can't be monogamous (ie do without for just two months), then the R with you doesn't mean all that much to him. IMO, if you desire a monogamous partner (and they really do exist), you should leave and seek someone else. LDRs are an investment, and why invest in someone who has shown you quite clearly that you aren't going to be getting any loyalty from? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Monogamy is over-rated and under-practiced, even by those who most advocate it. When you're young, it's a mistake to get too serious with one person too soon, IMO. Most young relationships end up failing because of unrealized differences - you grow apart in your 20s before growing into who you are as a person, and once you do, that's the time to decide about relationships and commitments. At this point in time, OP, I'd say he has a healthier attitude to building a relationship. If it's not how you want to do it, then just don't - find someone else who does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 When you're young, it's a mistake to get too serious with one person too soon, IMO. At this point in time, OP, I'd say he has a healthier attitude to building a relationship. If it's not how you want to do it, then just don't - find someone else who does. An LDR is a bigger sacrifice than monogamy, IMO, and it is a worse mistake to be in a LDR with someone who isn't serious about your R, at any age. I disagree that he has a 'healthier attitude to building a relationship', that is simply a matter of different relationship styles. What would be really unhealthy is the OP putting up with lack of monogamy while herself remaining monogamous in a LDR, just because she feels she should. Link to post Share on other sites
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