awholenewworld Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I never even thought about possibly wanting to date again, but guess what? I think I do. So, how long after divorce is it a good idea to start dating? I don't want to be caught dead in a rebound relationship, or find myself seeking out someone I don't need in my life. After being married for a very very long time, how do I do this, and how do I know I'm doing it for the right reasons? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
milwinlol Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 In my opinion, you should start dating again when you feel ready enough to possibly enter another relationship. All feelings for your ex-husband should have gone, you don't want to be on a date and be thinking about anyone else other than you and the other person. It's great that you want to get yourself onto the 'lurrrrrrve market' again and i wish you all the best. I hope this helped somewhat? :)x Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 You will know when you are ready. You may be ready tomorrow or it may take you a couple of years. Don't feel pressure to date just so you won't be alone, so that you will enjoy the experience. Good luck whenever you do decide to get back in the dating game! Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 You don't have to date in pursuit of a relationship. You can just find a companion to do dinner and a movie sometimes. You also do not have to have sex...just let them know you want platonic relationships for companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yesterday, I joined Zoosk. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship and just initially signing in and setting up a non-subscribed profile made me nervous. After about an hour of perusing a lot of lovely ladies, I starting getting notices that my profile was also being viewed. A few messaged me, but since I wasn't a paid subscriber, I couldn't view the messages. Curiosity got the better of me, so I paid a nominal fee. In less than 6 hours I had over 60 views and had chatted with 11 people. I think that's the longest amount of time I've spent not even hinking about my STBXW! It felt very good to be noticed for a change. At first, I had this feeling of guilt, like I was cheating on my wife. Then, I remembered she's been in a long term affair, we are getting divorced and that I haven't had sex in well over a year. Silly how the mind works and that I still felt loyal to her. Sheesh. I spent a fair amount of time talking with a woman going through a very similar situation as me and it felt a lot like being here, if we could see each other and live chat. I keep thinking that I'd really enjoy dating some of you folks on here, because we would have such a great initial common bond. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Feel the same way Tripz. Lot of good conversation on these threads. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I never even thought about possibly wanting to date again, but guess what? I think I do. So, how long after divorce is it a good idea to start dating? I don't want to be caught dead in a rebound relationship, or find myself seeking out someone I don't need in my life. After being married for a very very long time, how do I do this, and how do I know I'm doing it for the right reasons? Thanks! I think a lot of it also depends on the reasons for the divorce & how difficult it was, whether you/your spouse cheated and whether you've worked on yourself to make yourself emotionally healthier, ready to dates someone emotionally healthy because often, like attracts like in terms of emotional healthiness. Have you had counselling and been working on yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Most counsellors say 2 years. I have found this to be pretty accurate. I just reached 2 years, myself, and only now am I even thinking about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Feel the same way Tripz. Lot of good conversation on these threads.I'm not sure of the psychology and maybe it isn't even healthy, but it just seems to me, that the people I'm yearning to be around right now, are others who have gone, going through or understand what we ALL here seem to be dealing with. Zoosk is fine, as are other dating sites, but there are quite a few people just inside the walls of this website that I would really like to get to know better, outside of the forum. Just talk. And talk. And talk. Perhaps that's just my personality type, but talking til I'm blue in the face with a genuinely concerned and interested person, helps me move forward leaps and bounds. It's not even about "dating" or looking for romance at this point, just simple human connection. I've had this feeling for some time that I've lost a lot of my former natural ability to have normal, decent, correct, honest human connection. It was literally ripped out of me by my spouse, since they were supposed to be the ultimate in human connection and contact. That really, really hurts something deep and fierce. I can honestly say I've never even come close to such heart pain. I know it will someday pass, but I think allowing someone new into my life would really help. Not as a distraction, but as a truly wonderful salve for my soul. ...end of sappy transmission.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
familygone Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I loved my wife to.She f k me over. Go slow ,i am doing the same i dont trust going into another relationship.And get screwed over again.Say tread lightly,because you may think the first you like is the one,like rebound. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I honestly wouldn't trust myself, if there seemed to be a fairly quick "love connection". I'm too analytical and would decide that it's some kind of defense mechanism on my part or false feeling. Until I go a fairly long time having ANY emotion either way, about my ex, I don't think I'm ready. Friendship, certainly. Occasional hook-up with no strings, eh...maybe. I'm a little timid on even something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yesterday, I joined Zoosk. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship and just initially signing in and setting up a non-subscribed profile made me nervous. After about an hour of perusing a lot of lovely ladies, I starting getting notices that my profile was also being viewed. A few messaged me, but since I wasn't a paid subscriber, I couldn't view the messages. Curiosity got the better of me, so I paid a nominal fee. In less than 6 hours I had over 60 views and had chatted with 11 people. I think that's the longest amount of time I've spent not even hinking about my STBXW! It felt very good to be noticed for a change. At first, I had this feeling of guilt, like I was cheating on my wife. Then, I remembered she's been in a long term affair, we are getting divorced and that I haven't had sex in well over a year. Silly how the mind works and that I still felt loyal to her. Sheesh. I spent a fair amount of time talking with a woman going through a very similar situation as me and it felt a lot like being here, if we could see each other and live chat. I keep thinking that I'd really enjoy dating some of you folks on here, because we would have such a great initial common bond. While I am all for people finding companionship and also comradeship in the midst of their pain (misery loves company!) and with all due respect ot the poster, I think that this is an example of a person not ready to date. OP, if you are drawn to 'dates' becuase they share your woes, or you feel guilty going out with others, then you're not ready to move on with someone else. Adn that's okay...just be honest wiht yourself, and with the people you go out with so no one else gets hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Without doubt find contentment and happiness within yourself before a love relationship.... 18 months in and I'm soooo happy I've given myself so me time, looking back at those 'many' times of wanting to attempt to date, I now see how not ready I was.... And still am. Now atm I really feel that I'm understanding the real me, my ups and downs, this is good.. Knowing myself will help give me the best start when I start to date again. For me personally in the 1st 15 months even the diversion of chatting and having dates would have been exactly that a diversion on my own rebuild. I suppose it really depends on how your relationship ended as to how soon you take that 1st step. All the best Make sure your happy inside and out SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I've always been a bit of a get back up on the horse kind of guy. At least just rest in the saddle. Not interested in full on galloping yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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