Damaged217 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 So this past weekend was a mess. I attended my boyfriend's cousin's birthday bash at this club. I was a good amount of drunk and would have/should have stopped there, but then I got word that my boyfriend's ex (who he dated for 4 years) would be there. That's when I started taking shots and, needless to say, I got annihilated. I have a notorious past history of being cheated on by boyfriends with their ex-girlfriends. I know in my heart that he would never want her back, but my past heartache doesn't stop me from being irrational and completely acting out. I blacked out at some point and only know what I did because my boyfriend was all types of pissed at me the next day and let me know it. Apparently, I wandered off at some point after his ex got there and started talking to some random bar guy. I was being flirty and touching his arm. Then my boyfriend found me and I drunk whispered to the guy, "Oh, ****. It's my boyfriend" and proceeded to act like I wasn't doing anything. As if that wasn't bad enough, we had separate New Year's plans this year because I had plans already before I met him. I had danced with some random guys (not grinding or anything gross) but had lied to him when he asked me. Stupid, I know. And when I was wasted I guess I told him that I, indeed, had danced with guys that night. I have no idea why I feel the need to flirt like that. None. We have been dating only 3 months, but it got serious pretty quickly. I'm crazy about him and he treats me so well and I know I am an idiot for doing that to him and I hate myself for it. I have now broken his trust in me. He hasn't broken up with me, but things are awkward now. He is hot and cold. He hasn't kissed me since the incident. Barely wants to hug me. He has come over every night since then with the intention of leaving after a while, but he always ends up sleeping over (I guess that's a good sign?). But he doesn't cuddle me. There is no attempt at sex. He still does things for me though like bring me dinner and wash my dishes (even though I yell at him not to). His being nice is only making me feel worse. I don't blame him AT ALL for being mad. I wouldn't be as nice as he is if the situation had been reversed. I just don't know what to do now. He knows that I put his happiness before mine and I do everything I can to keep him happy. I'm a different person when I drink too much so I told him I wouldn't drink anymore and I mean it. I know it will take time to show him that I mean it. But what can I do in the mean time? I've made him breakfast and I surprised him at work the other day with lunch and his favorite chai tea latte (food is the way to his heart). I'm scared to even try to kiss him first because I feel like he will reject me. Any ideas of what else I can do to show him that I love him and only him and am truly, deeply, sorry? -Mopey Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 My concern is how much further it would have gone if you weren't caught :/ You have to earn his trust again which will take time (don't expect it to happen overnight). For now everything you've promised is just words, follow through with these promises and show him by your actions that you mean what you said and you will slowly gain his trust back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Your actions will speak more than your words will for some time. Keep to your promise of not drinking. Ask him what to do to show him your remorse and have much better boundaries around other men. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. He may not like it at first, but put yourself in a position to take some rejection. He has felt rejected by you. If you really care about him and putting his happiness first for a while, try to initiate with him. good luck, but stay away from the drinking. Some feel like even though you are drunk, you are doing things you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Damaged217 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 My concern is how much further it would have gone if you weren't caught :/ This concerns me as well. I am completely happy with him and we have no issues that would make me want to step out on him. So I would like to think that I was just harmlessly flirting. But you never know when alcohol is involved :-/ If you want to kiss him, kiss him. He may not like it at first, but put yourself in a position to take some rejection. He has felt rejected by you. good luck, but stay away from the drinking. Some feel like even though you are drunk, you are doing things you want to do. You're right. I'm the one that messed up so I just have to accept the consequences, as hurtful as they are. And I do enjoy flirting. I like the attention. As someone who was overweight most of her life and never got attention from men, it feels good to have a handsome stranger flirt with you. I would never act on the flirting, but I understand that my boyfriend has no way of knowing that. Especially since I lied to him about New Year's. Well, thanks, guys. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but your words gave me hope :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 You're right. I'm the one that messed up so I just have to accept the consequences, as hurtful as they are. And I do enjoy flirting. I like the attention. As someone who was overweight most of her life and never got attention from men, it feels good to have a handsome stranger flirt with you. I would never act on the flirting, but I understand that my boyfriend has no way of knowing that. Especially since I lied to him about New Year's. To the bold, yeah, you like flirting.....well, look where that got you. There is no such thing as harmless flirting, someone always gets hurt. The thing is, you got burned in the past. I speculate that you WANT to trust, but there's always some little voice in the back of your head saying to you need to be standing by and waiting for the other shoe to drop. And you end up sabotaging your own relationship with a guy that NEVER did anything to you. Well, the good thing is that you're admitting you messed up. Someone already said that you have to SHOW him your remorse. Don't tell him, telling him won't do jack because he SAW you getting too friendly with someone else. That kinda trumps anything you can say to him. You want to kiss him, then try! He might reject you. And if he does, so what! I'm a guy and I got rejected by women ALL THE TIME!!! Welcome to the club! The point is, you keep trying. You keep chipping away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Damaged217 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 You're right. I shouldn't be doing things that I wouldn't like him doing. I'm SO mad at myself. And I DO always end up sabotaging my relationships. This guy was the best thing that ever happened to me and I think I am about to lose him tonight because of my own stupidity. After not hearing from him all day, he just texted me saying that he wants to come by to "talk." We all know what that means. I'm getting dumped. I deserve it. Maybe one day I'll learn... See ya'll in the "Breakups" forums :-( Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 You're right. I shouldn't be doing things that I wouldn't like him doing. I'm SO mad at myself. And I DO always end up sabotaging my relationships. This guy was the best thing that ever happened to me and I think I am about to lose him tonight because of my own stupidity. After not hearing from him all day, he just texted me saying that he wants to come by to "talk." We all know what that means. I'm getting dumped. I deserve it. Maybe one day I'll learn... See ya'll in the "Breakups" forums :-( Admit you were wrong in your actions and be sincere about it. This is more for your own good than for his. If you want your next relationship to work, you have to either 1) don't do that crap or 2) find someone who doesn't care you do that crap. Don't get angry if he's breaking up with you. Don't let the relationship end on a bad note. ESPECIALLY if you want any chance of reconciliation (if he indeed wants to break up......we can't pretend to know what his "talk" entails.) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 You're right. I shouldn't be doing things that I wouldn't like him doing. I'm SO mad at myself. And I DO always end up sabotaging my relationships. This guy was the best thing that ever happened to me and I think I am about to lose him tonight because of my own stupidity. After not hearing from him all day, he just texted me saying that he wants to come by to "talk." We all know what that means. I'm getting dumped. I deserve it. Maybe one day I'll learn... See ya'll in the "Breakups" forums :-( Painful lesson learned. I hope you do learn from your mistakes, figure it out and change your past so it doesn't keep repeating. Also, please stop drinking. It's obvious you can't handle booze. Blacking out and doing things and saying stuff you can't remember is dangerous and also not just a oops I drank too much, some people shouldn't drink at all and you are one of those people. Not saying go to AA but really just stop at one drink if you can.. If you can't, then do seek help. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate9292 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 After not hearing from him all day, he just texted me saying that he wants to come by to "talk." We all know what that means. I'm getting dumped. I deserve it. Maybe one day I'll learn... Keep your head up. Maybe he's sick of situation too and wants to work it out. If not, don't worry. You didn't really do anything wrong, he's overreacting. If he didn't want to even see where your coming from, he's not the guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 So what happened with "the talk"? Whether you are with him or not you have provided at least one very good insight into your behaviour and the cause of your present unhappiness: your inability to hold your drink. No matter what happens here, you can and should take that under control so that it's not something you use to cover your feelings or try to cope with emotional discomfort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Damaged217 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Wow. Some of these replies really make me hate myself. I guess I had it coming though. My boyfriend was not overreacting. I would have FLIPPED out had the situation been reversed. I know my actions didn't show it, but I really do love this guy. He did not break up with me, thank goodness. He was willing to give me a second chance. But now that I'm on my best behavior, he is not. We met on a dating site. He still had his profile active but he just never logged on once we met. For some strange reason, I felt the urge to check out his page yesterday and I saw that he had logged on the same day. I thought that was weird, but I didn't say anything. Today I checked again, and he had logged on this morning while he was at my place and I was in the shower. What do I make of this? He spends all of his free time with me and isn't acting strange. I don't think he is cheating on me at all. But what reasons would he have to log on still? Did my actions make him feel like he's not attractive enough or something and so he is enjoying validation from random girls from the site? Do I bring this up or do I leave it alone? How do I approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
kalimata Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Damaged, As a man who has been cheated on by his wife, I can see where your BF is coming from. You stabbed him in the heart when you hit on the other guy. If he hadn't been there to stop things, you would have ended up in bed with the bar-guy. Your actions haven't matched how sorry you are. Here is what I suggest 1) Write up a formal pledge to not drink unless he (BF) is there with you. Make it official and sign it. 2) No more girls nights out 3) Give him the password to your phone so he can check it whenever he wants 4) Activate the GPS feature on your phone so he knows where you are at all times. 5) Tell him you're sorry and this will never happen again. Tell him over and over and over again. It will eventually sink in. You betrayed him and he is waiting for you to SHOW him your remorse instead of some empty words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 We met on a dating site. He still had his profile active but he just never logged on once we met. For some strange reason, I felt the urge to check out his page yesterday and I saw that he had logged on the same day. I thought that was weird, but I didn't say anything. Today I checked again, and he had logged on this morning while he was at my place and I was in the shower. What do I make of this? He spends all of his free time with me and isn't acting strange. I don't think he is cheating on me at all. But what reasons would he have to log on still? Did my actions make him feel like he's not attractive enough or something and so he is enjoying validation from random girls from the site? Do I bring this up or do I leave it alone? How do I approach this? Because, right now, he has no reason to believe that you're serious about him. He's waiting for the other shoe to drop; therefore, he's keeping his options open. It's up to you to SHOW him that you're serious about him. Once he see's that, then I speculate that he'll stop looking at that site again. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 You can start by limiting your intake of booze. Everyone and anyone knows that when you get drunk, you get stupid and do stupid things. Then the next day you get the "Oh $h!t what did I do moment" and by then it's too late. If you trusted the guy, then you wouldn't have had the problem with the ex and gotten obliterated. Has he given you reason not to trust him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Damaged217 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) Prior to this dating website incident, no, he had not given me any reason to not trust him. Like I said, this was my past heartache/baggage coming out and I took it out on my innocent boyfriend. But now with this whole dating website thing, I'm not sure whether or not I trust him. Edited March 6, 2014 by Damaged217 Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 But now with this whole dating website thing, I'm not sure whether or not I trust him. Ahhhh, if I could only show you how you caused this EXACT reaction. Doesn't feel very good, does it? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Stop playing games, talk to him he's not a mind reader, sometimes guys need blunt hints. If you love this guy start acting like an adult, making him jealous is going to cost you a relationship with potentially Mr. Perfect. Get on it now, seriously, trying to figure out what went wrong after the fact is too late. Link to post Share on other sites
HomanWater Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Prior to this dating website incident, no, he had not given me any reason to not trust him. Like I said, this was my past heartache/baggage coming out and I took it out on my innocent boyfriend. But now with this whole dating website thing, I'm not sure whether or not I trust him. Ironic how you say about not trusting him, when it's your behavior that put a strain on a relationship that otherwise was going smoothly. Put on your big girl pants and have honest discussion with him. Tell him you're sorry, but your f***up doesn't mean he has to now look for someone else, unless he decides to break up with you over that whole debacle (and I wouldn't blame him if he did tbh). So he should stop browsing dating sites and focus on your relationship or leave you. Either you are together, love each other and make each other happy or you break up. No halfway half-a**ed states like now. Link to post Share on other sites
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