How to not give a damn.

[Biscous]

I need help with this guys. I think one of the best things about me is that I'm an emotional guy. Some people call me 'sensitive', despite being a masculine guy, deep voice, lifts weights, does full contact martial arts, etc. Things matter to me.

 

One thing that really affects me emotionally is anger towards other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sincere and sweet person, but when I feel slighted, snubbed, or ignored when I try to extend myself to others it really frustrates me. It festers into anger. The best course for me is probably to ignore that person, which I do.

 

It still pisses me off. Why I was rejected by that woman when she gave me all the signs...what the hell was wrong with me? Why I was ignored or snubbed and disrespected by someone I was trying to help. It can really piss me off.

 

I have a lot of things that make me happy in my life and I get enjoyment though and I have quite a few bit of people I would consider friends.

 

Perhaps part of it is that I moved roughly 2 and a half years ago and I'm still adjusting. I'm not sure.

 

Long story short it can be easy for things to allow me to get angry or frustrated with. This is dealing with people. Maybe it's a yearning for acceptance...which is odd because I get that quite often. I am confident in my abilities.

 

Maybe my own perceptions are off or I'm not putting myself out there enough. Even a female friend of mine who I'm dating now always thought I was more on the intimidating side because I usually carry a serious demeanor, it could come off as angry. I'm not sure. Any advice appreciated!

[carhill]

Have you been married?

 

I went through some of what you're talking about back in my late 20's/early 30's but can categorically state that becoming married cured me completely. When the job is caring less, it pays to learn from a pro. Nowadays, whenever a woman rejects me, I just laugh because it'll never compare to being rejected by someone one has devoted their love and life to. Not even in the same solar system.

 

What's really fun? Sincerely caring without expectation and watching them do what they do. Helluva lot cheaper than cable and far more entertaining.

[Biscous]

Have you been married?

 

I went through some of what you're talking about back in my late 20's/early 30's but can categorically state that becoming married cured me completely. When the job is caring less, it pays to learn from a pro. Nowadays, whenever a woman rejects me, I just laugh because it'll never compare to being rejected by someone one has devoted their love and life to. Not even in the same solar system.

 

What's really fun? Sincerely caring without expectation and watching them do what they do. Helluva lot cheaper than cable and far more entertaining.

 

Never been married haha.

[mea_M]

You mention a yearning for acceptance? Do you think that perhaps your basing your ideal of happy on what other people think of you? If you are don't do that. The only acceptance you need, is the acceptance of yourself. Believe me, once that's achieved what other people think of you, that thought won't even cross your mind.

 

Mea

[kenneth1010]

Best advice i can give is that when you get " angry or frustrated " is to tell yourself that " i really don't care ".

 

This can be applied to many aspects of your life, private and professionally and the more you use the words " i don't care " the more it becomes true.

 

Won't happen overnight but in my experience, especially over the last 12 months, it will happen.

 

Just wish i told myself not to care years ago.

[jba10582]

The things that you do control, DO give a damn if you like the idea of improvement! To care less what other people think, it probably helps to have gone through some serious life struggles and to have hit rock bottom at least once (or more) and you coping ability do make you a stronger (and can make you a better person) for it. I have no idea why, but this post reminds me of Nicholas Cage in the movie the weatherman, people always get angry at him because of the nature of bad weather predictions and in turn gets quite a few drinks/shakes thrown at him without almost any reaction out of him at all.

[Biscous]

Yeah I usually use the energy to better myself.

 

I had an ex break up with me in 2012, it gave me energy to pursue something since I was alone, so I learned boxing.

 

2013 was a lot of professional growth, traveling a lot, I got two promotions, this year I'm adjusting to my new role..

 

I put a lot of energy into Muay Thai right now and having a desire to do a fight. Maybe I do that because it is the physical manifestation of what I feel inside sometimes.

 

Rejection does affect me. I guess the person ignoring me bothers me and I take it personally? Funny I thought I moved on from that but I've had instances where I felt that again...really the thought I put into that form of rejection is MORE than the person even thinks about me I bet.

 

The thing is that I HAVE been successful. Part of me is upset with things..maybe it's a yearn for acceptance or to be recognized...which is odd because I've had that sort of success. I still have goals of living somewhere else, doing things that make me happy...hell just for the **** of it I drove to Denver in the beginning of January to see friends. It was a great experience because I did it off of a whim.

 

It could be a number of things. I appreciate the advice in here. I'm still learning how to get better

[Biscous]

Any more suggestions appreciated!

[GoreSP]

Aawww you sound just like me.

 

As far as anger goes, I find the more you try to suppress it, the worse it is. I know all they say about forgiveness and ect but I think it's crap.

 

Anger is an emotion and it's unhealthy to repress emotions.

 

If you are angry at someone, just let it run its course - you'll find that one day, it will just be gone.

Stay away from the person but by all means - find a productive way to channel it.

 

Once I was dumped by a guy and wrote songs about it. back when I was 17, when my first boyfriend dumped me, I mod podged one of my desks.

[pureinheart]

I need help with this guys. I think one of the best things about me is that I'm an emotional guy. Some people call me 'sensitive', despite being a masculine guy, deep voice, lifts weights, does full contact martial arts, etc. Things matter to me.

 

One thing that really affects me emotionally is anger towards other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sincere and sweet person, but when I feel slighted, snubbed, or ignored when I try to extend myself to others it really frustrates me. It festers into anger. The best course for me is probably to ignore that person, which I do.

 

It still pisses me off. Why I was rejected by that woman when she gave me all the signs...what the hell was wrong with me? Why I was ignored or snubbed and disrespected by someone I was trying to help. It can really piss me off.

 

I have a lot of things that make me happy in my life and I get enjoyment though and I have quite a few bit of people I would consider friends.

 

Perhaps part of it is that I moved roughly 2 and a half years ago and I'm still adjusting. I'm not sure.

 

Long story short it can be easy for things to allow me to get angry or frustrated with. This is dealing with people. Maybe it's a yearning for acceptance...which is odd because I get that quite often. I am confident in my abilities.

 

Maybe my own perceptions are off or I'm not putting myself out there enough. Even a female friend of mine who I'm dating now always thought I was more on the intimidating side because I usually carry a serious demeanor, it could come off as angry. I'm not sure. Any advice appreciated!

 

People are people, some are cool some aren't. Could you possibly taking things too personal? You're allowing the behavior of another to have power over you based on their behavior or reaction to you which could affect how you come off to the next person that crosses your path- they've set the standard and are controlling your behavior in essence.

[Esoteric Elf]

You sound alot like me, bro. If it were socially acceptable to cry and expose my emotions as a male, I would have done so many years ago and continued to do so with pride.

 

However, being so sensitive (hypersensitive) can really hurt you. Do you make a joke and no one seems to notice? Do you want someone to notice something you did and they miss it? You might get despondent after situations like these. If you do not turn off this caring factor, you will be hurt, as I was for years.

 

I don't like the way I am now, but I just swallowed apathy, so I am apathetic and stoic around practically everyone. Just realize that most people don't care; only a few do, and those few are the ones you should be sensitive around.

 

I don't think you ever shed that sensitive side. It may go deeper and deeper inside you, but it will always be a part of who you are...at least, it is with me.

[Tayla]

Its not that you should ever stop caring. That is a sure sign of indifference which is a poor character trait. How is your humor level? I've gotten thru more things that used to ire me when I tossed some humor into the mix. Such statements as " Plot Twist!" when things dont go my way or " What a way to challenge the day!" does wonders. Its a way to "vent" with some light heartedness to boot. Just some mantras of a funny nature can turn things around. Just a thought to help. Best to you.

[Biscous]

Its not that you should ever stop caring. That is a sure sign of indifference which is a poor character trait. How is your humor level? I've gotten thru more things that used to ire me when I tossed some humor into the mix. Such statements as " Plot Twist!" when things dont go my way or " What a way to challenge the day!" does wonders. Its a way to "vent" with some light heartedness to boot. Just some mantras of a funny nature can turn things around. Just a thought to help. Best to you.

 

Yes, maybe I need to be more light hearted. I was explaining to a friend that my feeling of displacement living here, or perhaps meeting the wrong people, has turned me into what I am now. I joked with her and said "I was never such an a-hole!" She always thought I was before we talked, or at least I was angry/serious. I've opened up to her a bit.

 

Usually when I get enough sleep I'm OK. I just seem to feel that people that feign niceness are just doing it to be "nice"...not to genuinely get to know me and it frustrates me when I feel somewhat 'rejected' when I put myself out there.

 

You sound alot like me, bro. If it were socially acceptable to cry and expose my emotions as a male, I would have done so many years ago and continued to do so with pride.

 

However, being so sensitive (hypersensitive) can really hurt you. Do you make a joke and no one seems to notice? Do you want someone to notice something you did and they miss it? You might get despondent after situations like these. If you do not turn off this caring factor, you will be hurt, as I was for years.

 

I don't like the way I am now, but I just swallowed apathy, so I am apathetic and stoic around practically everyone. Just realize that most people don't care; only a few do, and those few are the ones you should be sensitive around.

 

I don't think you ever shed that sensitive side. It may go deeper and deeper inside you, but it will always be a part of who you are...at least, it is with me.

 

Yes, I believe my sensitive and empathetic side will always be apart of me. I've had instances where I thought I would just get away with my looks and do whatever to people. I just don't have that capacity.

 

Regarding the hypersensitive comments, YES that's right...sometimes saying something and not getting noticed, or someone seeing me before and they don't recognize me, or I think they pretend to not know me. Feeling invisible is a rough feeling and I feel at times I've felt like that in certain environments. It really does hurt inside.

 

I'm generally more assertive than anything.

 

People are people, some are cool some aren't. Could you possibly taking things too personal? You're allowing the behavior of another to have power over you based on their behavior or reaction to you which could affect how you come off to the next person that crosses your path- they've set the standard and are controlling your behavior in essence.

 

I may be taking things too personal. I think people care more about themselves than anyone else, which makes sense, so if I get snubbed I have to realize that I am just a blink in that person's thinking that way so I should not care.

 

It could be simply someone consumed with themselves and their own life and nothing personal. I may just take it harder.

 

Aawww you sound just like me.

 

As far as anger goes, I find the more you try to suppress it, the worse it is. I know all they say about forgiveness and ect but I think it's crap.

 

Anger is an emotion and it's unhealthy to repress emotions.

 

If you are angry at someone, just let it run its course - you'll find that one day, it will just be gone.

Stay away from the person but by all means - find a productive way to channel it.

 

Once I was dumped by a guy and wrote songs about it. back when I was 17, when my first boyfriend dumped me, I mod podged one of my desks.

 

Nice. You're rightt.

 

1.I've heard that anger is a secondary emotion, it's just hurt that has hardened.

2. I'd say 60 -70% of peoples reactions (i.e. whether they "accept" you or not) to you have nothing to do with you. Really. We like to think when people ask us out or respond to us warmly it's because we're soooo smooth, and when they don't like us it's because we said that one thing that one time and it ruined our chance. Honestly there are so many factors at work that you have no control over. You are entitled to be upset but don't beat yourself up over it

3. You seem to think of your sensitivity as a flaw. Or that its not "masculine" enough. Please. Please. Please. Please do the world a favor and don't try to get rid of that quality.[b/]

 

Thank you so much That makes me feel so good. I do my best and lend an ear to my friends and family in need. I've been told by friends that they are glad that I'm there for them and I have to remember that.

 

I am strong in my masculinity. I don't see it as a weakness, the ability to express my emotions. I just sometimes see it as 'weak' that I am affected by people in cases where I don't feel accepted or shunned. I'm trying to diminish that part of me to become a more assertive and confident person.

 

Those rejections could be a number of things. I have to keep that in mind. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with me as a person necessarily.

[Biscous]

Still working on this!

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

Carry on then....

 

What concerns me is that you use aggressive activities to dissipate your inner aggression.

To my mind, it would be better if instead of channeling your anger into activities that basically nurture it, you actually participate in a passive martial art like Qi Gong, Tai Chi or yoga, to dissipate it.

 

"Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal."

 

This goes for the emotion of anger; an obvious emotion when one experiences hatred.

Therefore, your indulgence of combative sports, is hardly helping really...

 

Is it?

 

I mean, if you're still working on it, then something isn't actually 'working'....

[Biscous]

Carry on then....

 

What concerns me is that you use aggressive activities to dissipate your inner aggression.

To my mind, it would be better if instead of channeling your anger into activities that basically nurture it, you actually participate in a passive martial art like Qi Gong, Tai Chi or yoga, to dissipate it.

 

"Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal."

 

This goes for the emotion of anger; an obvious emotion when one experiences hatred.

Therefore, your indulgence of combative sports, is hardly helping really...

 

Is it?

 

I mean, if you're still working on it, then something isn't actually 'working'....

 

Funny your name involved Buddhism, and many Thai people practice Buddhism. My instructor is one of them. When I practice martial arts it isn't anything to do with aggression, just discipline and respect for my master and my peers when I learn. Many monks in Thailand teach Muay Thai to students. I've had the honor of meeting some of them here.

 

I've actually spent time between now and then training for a celebration, Laos New Year, in which myself and many other students will be performing a demonstration in front of several people. Many Thai people and people rooted in the Buddhist community here. Certainly a challenge to go up in front of people! I'm looking forward to it!

 

I would think you would know the tenants of traditional martial arts before making such a poor judgement on it. Just so you know I've participated in martial arts many years ago and I tend to gravitate towards individual things. I see combative sports as a form of competition. It takes courage to perform any level of sport. I've done weightlifting meets as well. None of that is easy. I do these things to challenge myself mentally more than anything.

 

I simply posted on this to say that I am still working on my self. Not much time has lapsed before posting this and now and it would be silly to say that something as deep as personal development profoundly change overnight.

 

I appreciate your input, although I think it is a bit short sighted.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Biscous

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

Funny your name involved Buddhism, and many Thai people practice Buddhism.

As do I, hence the name....

 

My instructor is one of them. When I practice martial arts it isn't anything to do with aggression, just discipline and respect for my master and my peers when I learn. Many monks in Thailand teach Muay Thai to students. I've had the honor of meeting some of them here.

In my experience, in the West, that's actually a rarity. Many Martial Arts establishments forget that a martial Art is a discipline, not a means to batter your opponent to a pulp.

I have sadly attended many such schools, and found this to be the case here...

 

 

I would think you would know the tenants

(that's 'tenets'....)

 

...of traditional martial arts before making such a poor judgement on it.

I'm not casting any judgement on it at all.

I think they're valid, worthwhile and effective practices, if taught and learnt in the spirit intended.

Sadly, from what I have seen with my own eyes, far too many western establishments completely ignore those tenets.

 

Just so you know I've participated in martial arts many years ago and I tend to gravitate towards individual things. I see combative sports as a form of competition. It takes courage to perform any level of sport. I've done weightlifting meets as well. None of that is easy. I do these things to challenge myself mentally more than anything.

Admirable and character-building, no doubt.

But you see, you still have your problem....

 

....

I appreciate your input, although I think it is a bit short sighted.

 

I teach Qi Gong and Zham Zhong, both passive Martial Arts.

I have been a teacher for 15 years, and regularly teach those in my classes, who also participate in the more energetic, defensive martial arts made so popular by a plethora of movies.

They come, they tell me, to cultivate the other side of the coin.

The more energetic, defensive Martial Arts are seen as a discipline for the body, connected to a well-cultivated Mind-set; Passive Martial arts are viewed as a discipline for the mind, leading to an indestructible connection to the state of the body.

It's a question of balance.

 

I merely gave the opinion that your practice might benefit from being more.... 'balanced'.

 

Ghasso.