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Fear over being left


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Hi all,

 

I'm drawn here more than anything to be able to sshare what I'm going through as I don't feel I can share it with family and I live in a foreign country where I don't have close friends.

 

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, 14 married. We have three children. Six years ago, she began having affairs, casual flings. I only found out a year and a half later by chance after which she confessed all. After month of discussion and talking openly and maturely, we came to the decision that we loved each other and could not imagine separating. We also decided to convert our marriage into an open one. She continued seeing other guys, and whilst I was also free to do so, never felt particularly inclined nor had the nerve to be honest. We continued to be open with each other, and although there were moments of tension, we always managed to see them through by talking together.

 

A year ago we moved to Mexico. After a few monts, my wife, still with my consent, starting seeing a guy. This time it got serious to the extent that I began to feel very uncomfortable. While I always told her that I was happy with the flings, falling in love with someone else was not somethign I could live with. Of course this is not something that can be controlled.

 

It got to the stage that i began distancing myself from her, not being in the same room, going to bed when she was already asleep. The worst was when she came back from a night together with him - neither of us could look each other in the eye.

 

Finally we confronted one another and I told her that I couldn't live with this situation anymore and asked her to spend the nights for the time being away from the home so as not to be faced with such stress and confusion, but without wanting to head towards a separation, but to figure out how I felt. This went on for a week after which, because we had friends staying, we both felt it would be better if she came home so as not to create a premature impression to them that we were separated definitively. The week passed well.

 

With the friends gone, my wife told me she wished to continue with creating space from one another. For the last 3 days she's been way from home, though we've spoken on the phone and exchanged emails to try and understand how we feel about each other. She says she needs space and solitude from me in order to make a decision on whether she wants us to stay together as a couple.That it's not about choosing between him and me, but want she really wants in life, that having two relationships is untenable (she says that if it were just a simple choice between the two of us she'd choose me over him but that ehr questioning is far deeper than that). That she's unsure of her feelings for me, more in terms of the desire that a couple need to feel truly together. She says she loves me and I believe her. Tomorrow she heads to Peru for work for 10 days and on her return will head to a department that' being lent to her for a further 10 days or so in order to make a decision.

 

Our short time apart has already confirmed to me how much I love her and miss her and want us to renew our relationship as a couple. She asks for time and patience in order to have the peace of mind to decide herself.

 

I'm not particularly seeking advice, and certainly don't want to receive back abuse about either how stupid I am or how evil my wife is. But if anyone has experience in what I can do to assure her that I'm the "right decision", I'd be appreciaitive.

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You should go get laid. You're too into her and you sound sexually frustrated which is understandable because she keeps telling you by her actions that you're not man enough to satisfy her.

 

Do have any female friends that you are attracted to at all? I'd start there...

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I was hoping this forum was a little more constructive, it appears not. I won't warrant you're reply with a further comment.

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Well I didn't call you stupid or say she is evil but here is the deal. There is nothing you can do to help make up her mind.

 

That she will do on her own. You have absolutely no control of that.

 

So I'm not really sure what advice you were looking for but if someone cheated on me and left me to be with someone else I certainly would not care if they ever came back to me or not. I would go get laid because variety is the spice of life.

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I'm wondering how you both explain to your kids why mom is away at night or doesn't come home at night. They must be really confused. Your wife has made it clear that she doesn't want monogamy. I guess you'll either have to accept sharing her with other men, or decide you are not a match and end the marriage. I'd suggest the latter, since being forced to share your wife against your will can be a soul crushing thing.

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"Open marriage"?

 

I honestly never managed to grasp the concept of such a thing. In my book, in the western world, marriage = 2 people together.

 

Your marriage ended as soon as one of you had permission to meet other people. Right now you're just together out of fear of being alone. That's sad.

 

Do yourself (and your kids, specially) a favour and terminate that fake marriage of yours. Unless you want your kids to grow with serious emotional issues.

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