Wifes behavour since breaking up?

[GarrusVakarian]

Wonder if anyone gotan idea or experiences something similar?. End of September last year I foundout my wife was having an emotional/physical for about six weeks with a marriedman over 50. Started off as a lot of messaging on facebook, texting and meetingup. Found a load of messages between them on the computer that got saved to heroutlook.com skydrive account. Anyway, she ran off back to her parents after amassive argument over it all, where she has been ever since.

 

In early November,she told me she don’t think we can work it out and it was over. She said backin November, she would let dust settle a few weeks and move all her stuff out.The next day, the other man’s wife contacted me wanting to know what was goingon?. So I gave her all the messages between them. Wish I had done in the firstplace looking back now, but it kicked off from there. But from what his wifetells me they are now trying to fix marriage. He met my wife and told her theycouldn’t speak or meet anymore back in early December.

 

But my wifedoesn’t really speak to me much, mainly via email. At the moment we have ahouse that she is no longer living in. Legally, I cannot kick her out as she ispaying half of mortgage and bills still and has half her name on house. I mether four weeks ago, where still told me we had nothing in common and never did.We only got together because we thought we could be happy. Basically felt likeshe was telling me our last 8 years together was a mistake. We had driftedapart and if we tried to sort things, we would both have to drastically changewho we are as people. Then said our two year marriage wasn’t all **** andhorrible we had a few good times!. She loves me but can’t live with me?.

 

I reallywant to move on now with my life, but at same time she isn’t telling me whatshe wants to go?, I have told her I want to keep house, and how much she wantsmoney wise to sign the place over to me. But this has been going on since theend of September. But so far she hasn’t moved any of her stuff out. Clothes,possessions and furniture are all still here. She hasn’t even had her postre-directed. She hasn’t been to the house in other two and a half months. Likeshe is avoiding the whole thing?. At present, she is currently undergoing weekcounselling sessions.

 

Anyone been in asimilar position?. If so how did you get out of it?.

 

I don’t want to involve solicitors anymore then the advice I have received. They said if you can sort between you, it’s the best way as only solicitors win if it gets nasty. I have really had enough of it now. Feel like she is holding me back from moving on.

 

Thanks

Edited February 26, 2014 by GarrusVakarian

[blacknoir]

I don’t want to involve solicitors anymore then the advice I have received. They said if you can sort between you, it’s the best way as only solicitors win if it gets nasty. I have really had enough of it now. Feel like she is holding me back from moving on.

 

Cheers

 

Cheers to you as well.

 

I'm not sure about the specific laws in your area, but here in mine, the laws for a "no fault" divorce are one year of continuous separation. Following that period of time, either party is able to file for a final divorce.

 

That being said, she moved out. Have you entertained the idea of filing papers for Support and Maintenance?

 

The idea here (in my mind) is that you need to do the right thing (support her), while at the same time take control of your life, allowing yourself to begin the healing process. To me, that involved talking to an attorney (a consultation) and exploring the options.

 

Following that meeting, we agreed to a fee, and drew up paperwork. I presented the paperwork to my (now estranged) wife, and asked her to review and sign. Right now I'm giving her "space" to sign, but if she doesn't after a period of time, I'm going to legally file them, which then gives her a set amount of time to respond, only through the courts. It's not the "best" course, since obviously this will create some animosity, but it's necessary for *me* to continue the healing process.

 

Bottom line - if the relationship is over, you need to end it as swiftly as you (legally) possibly can, while keeping your emotional side of it moving forward in the healing process. This won't be easy, I can assure you, but you can do it. .

[GarrusVakarian]

Sorry should of said from the UK!. I have had legal advice so far. But that was from the point of seeing where I stood. Which was any split would be 50/50. I was thinking of filing for divorce. But that's going to cost me and to be honest I never wanted to be in this situation. If anything, in my mind she should be paying this if its what she wants. She ended it she should pay.

 

From an emotional perspective, the last few months I have started to really move on. Keeping my mind as busy as possible. But its hard when all her possessions are still about. So much so I have boxed all her stuff up and stored it away for her to collect. But she is remaining silent about the whole thing and what she wants. Said she was in no rush to sort things until we both got what we deserved!. Then finished it by saying whatever the future holds, I don't think I could ever live in that house again!.

[blacknoir]

Sorry should of said from the UK!. I have had legal advice so far. But that was from the point of seeing where I stood. Which was any split would be 50/50. I was thinking of filing for divorce. But that's going to cost me and to be honest I never wanted to be in this situation. If anything, in my mind she should be paying this if its what she wants. She ended it she should pay.

 

Noone *wants* to be in this situation, friend. I'm going through my own divorce right now. I never *wanted* my wife of 13 years (together 20+) to stop expressing love, to stop responding to my touch, and when she did, to act as if I were a chore, so much like the laundry. But....it happened.

 

"She should pay" is vindictiveness, if I may be so bold. Bottom line, you *may* have to end up 50/50 - that's for the courts to decide ultimately. I know that in my personal situation, I'm going to end up at more than 50%....and you know what? To get out of the poison that was/is the failure of my marriage, I'm ok with that.

 

My personal opinion - unless you let go of the bitterness, the vindictiveness, and the emotions, you will be consumed. My marriage ended many years ago, and yes - those feelings were there. Slowly, though, they were replaced by indifference, and finally, I realized that it was time to finally move on.

 

From an emotional perspective, the last few months I have started to really move on. Keeping my mind as busy as possible. But its hard when all her possessions are still about. So much so I have boxed all her stuff up and stored it away for her to collect. But she is remaining silent about the whole thing and what she wants. Said she was in no rush to sort things until we both got what we deserved!. Then finished it by saying whatever the future holds, I don't think I could ever live in that house again!.

 

She's figuring things out in her head - let her. You sound like you want to let go. If that means NC or LC, then that's what you have to do. It will not be easy.

 

If she comes back and says flat out, "I MADE A MISTAKE AND I WANT YOU BACK", then you need to decide what to do. However, right now, dwelling on that decision is not healthy for you - you're still raw, and our emotions get muddied when we're raw.

 

So, continue forward, and (again, if I may be so bold), stop responding to her. It's just going to hurt you in the long run.

 

Be well.

[Tripz]

Not sure how the courts work in the UK, but in my state, in the US, all of those emails she's been sending you about not wanting to be in the house, etc. would be a gold mine of information that could be used as leverage to maximize what you get when everything is settled. I've learned from my experience, being the nice/fair guy doesn't matter in the end, because it's just that....the end. Might as well look out for yourself first, then, if you feel nice, act accordingly.

[Poppygoodwill]

There will be a legal time frame from when you first separated (she moved out) when finally it will be a fairly simple matter to move to divorce becuase clearly things have broken down completely. From that point it won't be that costly and she won't be able to stop it if you file for divorce because the courts won't let someone hold someone else hostage like that.

 

But in the meantime, the limbo she's got you in is so unhealthy. You can't throw her stuff out and force her to do anything - yet - until the legal time frame.

 

Why not send her a very formal letter saying as the marriage has broken down...etc...you want her to remove her things from the house as of X date. Tell her they've been boxed up and are ready to move. She might jump at the chance. YOu could also get a lawyer to send such a letter, giving it more weight. If you draft it, it's not much to have the lawyer send it.

 

The other thing you could do is put all her **** in a storage locker. Yes, it'll cost you a little bit every month (take it out of her part of the bills) but for the peace of mind it brings in the meantime while you wait for the rest to happen, it might be worth it not to have to live with her things. Also it would give you a sense of control over this situation that she has taken from you with the affair, and continues to do with the limbo she's got you in.

[kalimata]

Garrus,

 

So sorry you are here my man. Your wife sounds like she is still in the fog. I bet that she is still in contact with OM. Glad to see that the OM's wife found out about it. But more than likely they have taken the affair more deeply underground.

 

If you really want to see if there is a shot a reconciliation between you both, then you need to expose her far and wide. Friends, family, religious leaders, anyone. How does she know this man? Expose to close friends between them both.

 

If you are determined that D is the way to go, then for goodness sake get over it and simply file the papers. She will sit on the sidelines and ask for time to make up her mind between you and the OM. Sounds like you've already moved on mentally. Take the next step and file the papers.

 

Do you have kids? If not then I personally would move on and find someone else. She sounds like sleaze.

[GarrusVakarian]

Thank you for the kind words!. I think her head is definitely somewhere!. She may well be in contact with OM?. I don't really know, not something I want to concern myself with, only that it wouldn't bode to well for her. As the wife is currently after her!. All I know from conversations with the OW, is that he told my wife he cant see her no more as he wants to repair marriage with wife back in December. They been married 30 years and two kids a lot to throw away!. But people do stupid things!.

 

I have blown it far and wide. Wish I had in the beginning. I have told all our friends, her friends, her family who this person is and what happened. From what I know only a few in his family know. I have thought about blowing that wide open as well, but not had the chance and I have no ill feelings towards his wife and family. Just against OM. I have thought about contacting OW to see how they are getting on?.

 

Whether or not there is a chance of reconciliation, I don't really know, don't really know that I want to anymore. At the moment, I am going out and enjoying myself as much as I can with new people. My main objective is keeping my home and rebuilding my own life. Sadly, legally I cant kick all her stuff out of house as she still paying half of bills, she not lived in the house since end of September last year!.

 

Luckily, we don't have kids. Otherwise I would of been screwed.