EX Boyfriend trying to make me mad? [update]

[a708]

The ex sounds like a top bloke.. who handled everything in the right way.

 

What i would say is, yes everyone makes mistakes.. but you have to face the consequences.

 

I wonder if this is a case for a lot of people though. I mean everyone hates seeing their ex with a new person.. but it might only be then when you start to think about what you've given up.

 

All in all.. your ex is spot on.. you should be grateful he maintained his decency through it and didn't scald you with hurtful things.

[Zahara]

None of this would have ever happened had he kept after the OP and kept wanting to be in her life -- she'd be as dismissive of him now as she was when they broke up. Now she's despondent because he moved on just fine while she didn't do anything to improve her lot in life.

 

Very true.

 

If the guy had chased her and if she found out that he was still as uninteresting as he was when she was with him and single, she wouldn't give two craps about him.

 

The only reason she's doing this is because her ego is bruised and she's envious that he's happy and worst of all, with an ex that she doesn't like.

 

This should be pinned. I've always said this, go NC and disappear, and if in time they come back, you can then decide -- and if they don't, you'll be well on your way to healing and moving on. Just don't stay available and never chase.

[SunshineOnMe]

I hate that you guys think that I'm selfish. Yes maybe my course of action how I went about this was wrong, but I did care for the guy. At the begging of the relationship I was head over heels. One year into it I thought we would get married someday. So it's not like I didn't love him. We supported each other.

 

I will open up and tell you guys the things that affected me to make my decision:

 

- he didn't go to church, the fact that my family was heavily into it concerned me

 

- my parents didn't like him, not because he was a bad person or anything, they just didn't think we were a good fit.

 

- I just hated the fact that things would be awkward between them

 

- i felt held back, not because of him specifically, but I felt like I was going in a different direction

 

- i believed that we were two different people

 

it's hard to explain how I'm feeling right now. I really don't mean to upset people here

[iDrumKing]

I hate that you guys think that I'm selfish. Yes maybe my course of action how I went about this was wrong, but I did care for the guy. At the begging of the relationship I was head over heels. One year into it I thought we would get married someday. So it's not like I didn't love him. We supported each other.

 

I will open up and tell you guys the things that affected me to make my decision:

 

- he didn't go to church, the fact that my family was heavily into it concerned me

 

- my parents didn't like him, not because he was a bad person or anything, they just didn't think we were a good fit.

 

- I just hated the fact that things would be awkward between them

 

- i felt held back, not because of him specifically, but I felt like I was going in a different direction

 

- i believed that we were two different people

 

it's hard to explain how I'm feeling right now. I really don't mean to upset people here

 

Wow... okay here is my take.

 

- the church issue should've been been brought up by you 2 months into the relationship, not 2 years.

 

- is he dating you or your parents? are they official matchmakers or something? your parents should care for your happiness.

 

- two different people? you thought that sticking in there for 2 years would change?

 

OP... EVERYTHING COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU JUST OPENED UP TO THE FREAKING GUY. THIS GUY IS A CHAMP. HIS ACTIONS WILL HELP MANY PEOPLE HERE LEARN AND MOVE ON

[Zahara]

 

- he didn't go to church, the fact that my family was heavily into it concerned me

- my parents didn't like him, not because he was a bad person or anything, they just didn't think we were a good fit.

- I just hated the fact that things would be awkward between them

- i felt held back, not because of him specifically, but I felt like I was going in a different direction

- i believed that we were two different people

 

it's hard to explain how I'm feeling right now. I really don't mean to upset people here

 

If those were your reasons, 7 months later those reasons still remain. You said yourself that compatibility was lacking. So, what's changed in 7 months? He's still that person that doesn't go to church, he's still that person your parents don't like, YOU are still going in a different whatever direction, and you both are still different people. So WTF are you bothering him for?

 

And did you talk to him about those issues? No. So, he's sitting there thinking all if fine and dandy until you spring "2-3 months prior to the breakup I started to loose interest. I wasn't happy at all. I didn't tell him because I wanted to see if my feelings would change. They didn't." So you dump him over the phone. Then you revisit him a week later knowing full well that all those reasons still exist and you get back again. Then you dump him again over the phone and remove him from FB. You chewed him up and spit him out.

 

I'm baffled as to why you feel entitled to now to revisit him again when you gave your relationship very little opportunity to succeed because you couldn't open up and at least try. Now, you want to go back to him, why? He's still that same person 7 months ago that you dumped and not once, but TWICE.

[stillafool]

If you and your parents are so religious and he wasn't, why are you impressed that your ex is now drinking alcohol? You like that he is now out partying and going to bars where before he didn't. Also you seem to always want what you can't have. You now have a nice fiancee and instead of keeping your mind and heart on him you are pinning for the unavailable. What do your parents think of your behavior?

You felt that you and your ex were going in a different direction; so why now do you feel that you and your ex are going in the same direction? Because he now drinks? What about the pain you are inflicting on your fiancee? Do you care anything about how you are wasting his time and complicating his life or do you even care? You need to break up with him, leave the ex alone and get yourself into therapy.

[Never Again]

Alright, OP. I'm not going to go for your throat, but that isn't going to make what I have to say any more pleasant.

 

Your "reasons" are excuses. You NEED to come to terms with that. When you were interested in this guy, those things didn't matter. Those doubts only came into play when your feelings started to fade away.

 

This is like dumpers who leave because of "lack of common interests", "not being on the same page", or "not being in the same place as [the dumpee]". None of those things were issues when the dumper was *in love*, but when the shine started to wear off the relationship, they needed "reasons" to leave.

 

Somethings simply can't be talked out, but that wasn't the case here. Your "reasons" were nothing short of mental masturbation - an exercise just to make yourself feel better about your decision.

 

As Zahara said, you gave your relationship very little opportunity to succeed because you couldn't open up and at least try. Relationships are NOT easy. They take communication and effort. Interest and attraction can fade if not maintained, and while they can easily be built back up again, that's only possible if you TALK and TRY.

 

You took the easy way out. It happens. You were selfish. It happens. The problem here is that you're continuing to spew excuses. You're wallowing in self-pity because this guy isn't in your back-pocket anymore, because he's moved on, and you're trying to wriggle out of responsibility for your actions.

 

You dumped a guy because you weren't "in love" with him anymore, which is FINE, but you NEVER let him know that your feelings were fading or work with him to fix things. You made a choice. It doesn't matter if it was good or bad, because ALL choices have consequences.

 

You need to learn to deal with them.

[lonegirl]

 

I will open up and tell you guys the things that affected me to make my decision:

 

- he didn't go to church, the fact that my family was heavily into it concerned me

 

- my parents didn't like him, not because he was a bad person or anything, they just didn't think we were a good fit.

 

- I just hated the fact that things would be awkward between them

 

- i felt held back, not because of him specifically, but I felt like I was going in a different direction

 

- i believed that we were two different people

 

Excuses...

[Simon Phoenix]

I hate that you guys think that I'm selfish. Yes maybe my course of action how I went about this was wrong, but I did care for the guy. At the begging of the relationship I was head over heels. One year into it I thought we would get married someday. So it's not like I didn't love him. We supported each other.

 

I will open up and tell you guys the things that affected me to make my decision:

 

- he didn't go to church, the fact that my family was heavily into it concerned me

 

- my parents didn't like him, not because he was a bad person or anything, they just didn't think we were a good fit.

 

- I just hated the fact that things would be awkward between them

 

- i felt held back, not because of him specifically, but I felt like I was going in a different direction

 

- i believed that we were two different people

 

it's hard to explain how I'm feeling right now. I really don't mean to upset people here

 

All I read from you are "Is" and "Mes", which is the definition of being selfish. You are young and immature and I hope you grow out of this narcissism with time, but you look like a complete a**hole in every part of this breakup, from the last few months of the relationship on. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, but you are writing a book on how not to handle a breakup as a dumper. Literally every impulse you have is wrong, which is kind of impressive.

Edited March 6, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[franklingrad7]

All I read from you are "Is" and "Mes", which is the definition of being selfish. You are young and immature and I hope you grow out of this narcissism with time, but you look like a complete a**hole in every part of this breakup, from the last few months of the relationship on. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, but you are writing a book on how not to handle a breakup as a dumper. Literally every impulse you have is wrong, which is kind of impressive.

 

^This. This is why I refuse to date young girls. I understand everyone can be immature but I find girls I date over the age of 25 are generally past this kind of crap. At least have the balls to break up in person. What a kick in the nuts. You deserve this no offense.

[SunshineOnMe]

Just an update:

 

I got lunch with a guy that I work with today. While waiting for our food, my ex BF and his gf walked in. They didn't see us at first. I took everyones' advice and finally decided to leave my ex alone.

 

This guy I was having lunch with is actually a guy I've been interested in for quite some time. But a problem came up, he also saw my ex BF come in and told me, if my ex talked to me, he'd kick his a** as immature as that sounds. I tried my best to tell him to not do ANYTHING.

 

So we went about our lunch. My ex ended up leaving before me and when getting up both his gf and him saw me. He looked at me as if I was another person. They walked pass my table leaving and my guy friend said some really rude things.

 

 

My ex just kept walking.

 

I'm so worried now that he's gonna think I tried starting drama.

[franklingrad7]

Just an update:

 

I got lunch with a guy that I work with today. While waiting for our food, my ex BF and his gf walked in. They didn't see us at first. I took everyones' advice and finally decided to leave my ex alone.

 

This guy I was having lunch with is actually a guy I've been interested in for quite some time. But a problem came up, he also saw my ex BF come in and told me, if my ex talked to me, he'd kick his a** as immature as that sounds. I tried my best to tell him to not do ANYTHING.

 

So we went about our lunch. My ex ended up leaving before me and when getting up both his gf and him saw me. He looked at me as if I was another person. They walked pass my table leaving and my guy friend said some really rude things.

 

 

My ex just kept walking.

 

I'm so worried now that he's gonna think I tried starting drama.

 

 

Your new guy has some underlying jealousy issues just a heads up. Any mature guy would not act as childish as he did. Your ex sounds like the winner in this situation.

[Zahara]

After reading that, thank god, thank god your ex stayed away from you.

[ponchsox]

What he does now is none if your business.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just an update:

 

I got lunch with a guy that I work with today. While waiting for our food, my ex BF and his gf walked in. They didn't see us at first. I took everyones' advice and finally decided to leave my ex alone.

 

This guy I was having lunch with is actually a guy I've been interested in for quite some time. But a problem came up, he also saw my ex BF come in and told me, if my ex talked to me, he'd kick his a** as immature as that sounds. I tried my best to tell him to not do ANYTHING.

 

So we went about our lunch. My ex ended up leaving before me and when getting up both his gf and him saw me. He looked at me as if I was another person. They walked pass my table leaving and my guy friend said some really rude things.

 

 

My ex just kept walking.

 

I'm so worried now that he's gonna think I tried starting drama.

 

Um, I really hope this is the last date you go on with this guy. He sounds like a chode.

[DontBreakEven]

And for dumpees, reactions like the OP's are exactly why No Contact is preached ad nauseum on this site. This guy moved forward like a champ and didn't look back and he did it so well that his ex is now all flustered because of how thoroughly he charged forward. And not only does he hold all the cards now, but he has no interest in playing them because he stayed No Contact and discovered something better for him. None of this would have ever happened had he kept after the OP and kept wanting to be in her life -- she'd be as dismissive of him now as she was when they broke up. Now she's despondent because he moved on just fine while she didn't do anything to improve her lot in life.

 

No Contact everyone. It's advised for a reason.

 

Not to mention, he gets the chance now to be with someone great. OP sounds like the worst .. and still doesn't even understand why!

[LostConfused123]

Just an update:

 

I got lunch with a guy that I work with today. While waiting for our food, my ex BF and his gf walked in. They didn't see us at first. I took everyones' advice and finally decided to leave my ex alone.

 

This guy I was having lunch with is actually a guy I've been interested in for quite some time. But a problem came up, he also saw my ex BF come in and told me, if my ex talked to me, he'd kick his a** as immature as that sounds. I tried my best to tell him to not do ANYTHING.

 

So we went about our lunch. My ex ended up leaving before me and when getting up both his gf and him saw me. He looked at me as if I was another person. They walked pass my table leaving and my guy friend said some really rude things.

 

 

My ex just kept walking.

 

I'm so worried now that he's gonna think I tried starting drama.

OMG!!! Wow, what an AMAZING coincidence!!!!

 

You had a date the exact same place as him. . . The douche rocket you were with wanted to kick his @$$!!!

Ummmm, WHY?????

For minding his own business and getting on with his life????

I have NEVER been so outraged and I have been on this site for months.

This is SICK!!!! For the love of God!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!

[LostConfused123]

And yes!!! He's going to think you tried to start drama. . . . because you did!!!

[SunshineOnMe]

OMG!!! Wow, what an AMAZING coincidence!!!!

 

You had a date the exact same place as him. . . The douche rocket you were with wanted to kick his @$$!!!

Ummmm, WHY?????

For minding his own business and getting on with his life????

I have NEVER been so outraged and I have been on this site for months.

This is SICK!!!! For the love of God!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!

 

Like i said I was there before him....

 

I really tried to keep my date from saying anything. I really did. He acted out of line, but he went ahead and spoke out.

[LostConfused123]

Like i said I was there before him....

 

I really tried to keep my date from saying anything. I really did. He acted out of line, but he went ahead and spoke out.

I've had a little vodka. . . . I'm calm.

I'm not trying to attack you. I guess my question is why in the world would your date want to start a fight???

I mean, you dumped him!!!!!!! so why???? Did you provoke something?

 

By the way, I know love can make us do crazy things. Not judging. I really do wish you happiness and peace.

[stillafool]

Just an update:

 

I got lunch with a guy that I work with today. While waiting for our food, my ex BF and his gf walked in. They didn't see us at first. I took everyones' advice and finally decided to leave my ex alone.

 

This guy I was having lunch with is actually a guy I've been interested in for quite some time. But a problem came up, he also saw my ex BF come in and told me, if my ex talked to me, he'd kick his a** as immature as that sounds. I tried my best to tell him to not do ANYTHING.

 

So we went about our lunch. My ex ended up leaving before me and when getting up both his gf and him saw me. He looked at me as if I was another person. They walked pass my table leaving and my guy friend said some really rude things.

 

 

My ex just kept walking.

 

I'm so worried now that he's gonna think I tried starting drama.

 

Why would this guy want to kick your exes a**? Does he know him or was he told things by you about your ex to start a fight? Is this another guy you are stringing along? You are a dangerous person and a trouble maker. I hope the guy you are engaged to finds out who you are before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. Thank God your ex has moved on.

[LostConfused123]

OP, we all make mistakes. No one here is perfect it's just that many of us here (myself included) were dumped and blind sided and we feel like we were not given a fair shot because our SO s didn't COMMUNICATE with us.

How could we fix what we didn't know was broken in the first place???

 

Hopefully you will learn from this (I'm sure you will) and not be so careless next time.

Human beings and emotions are VERY fragile. Once we are hurt so deeply there's usually no going back.

 

I really do wish you all the best! I wish that for us all.

((hugs!!))

[Saurren]

OP you can't make someone love you. You can only change their opinion about you. From the looks of it I bet his opinion of you isn't in high standards.

[SunshineOnMe]

Would it be too much to try to work out a friendship with my ex BF?

 

Look I'm not looking for a way too pry my way into his current relationship. That would be immoral. I just feel that the 2 years we were together shouldn't be forgotten like they never even happened. Sure I was bored. I loved him but wasn't in love. I did and still do care about him though.

 

I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around him getting back with his ex though... now please before you bite my head off saying I have no right to say who he can and cannot date. I know. I realize that, but this is really eating me away.

 

While we dated, his ex GF would call me trash due to the fact that I didn't go to a higher class school like the two of them did, I'm a bit larger than your petite girls like she was and like you see these days but she took a shot calling me fat, which I am very self conscious about, etc.

 

MY ex BF genuinely defended me. He would fight to protect her from me. He was the one that broke it off with her in the first place, so his disdain for her was there.

 

It just baffles me that he's now back with her. I know it's selfish to have these thoughts. But I just feel them.

[Never Again]

He's already told you that you're strangers.

 

If he was okay with a friendship, he would've let you know.

 

So, yes...it WOULD be too much for you to break it off.

 

And as for the rest if your post - once again, I say "excuses".

 

You were bored? You loved him but weren't IN love? Fun fact, darling: after the honeymoon period, it takes work and communication to stay "in love". It's intentional intimacy and it does NOT just happen. This foolish belief that you would've just felt a certain way with no investment or effort from you is the epitome of relationship sabotage. You were selfish, naive, uncommunicative, hurtful, non-confrontational and lazy. There was no harm in breaking off a relationship that wasn't working for you, but you made NO attempt to make it work.

 

You're ex might've failed in maintaining your attraction, but YOU failed to course correct him. You were immature then and you're being immature now. Leave him alone, for crying out loud.