"what did you learn?"

[Waverly]

My counselor asked me this question yesterday. Now that the affair is over, she's asking me what I learned from it. I think I gave her a blank stare and said "well, I learned not to do that again". Honestly, I think I'm still a little too close to the whole mess to have a real answer yet.

 

She's trying to point out, of course, that we shouldn't just have experiences and then never learn from them. So, I'm curious: what did you learn from your affair?

[cocorico]

My counselor asked me this question yesterday. Now that the affair is over, she's asking me what I learned from it. I think I gave her a blank stare and said "well, I learned not to do that again". Honestly, I think I'm still a little too close to the whole mess to have a real answer yet.

 

She's trying to point out, of course, that we shouldn't just have experiences and then never learn from them. So, I'm curious: what did you learn from your affair?

 

That love does exist, that "he'll never leave" is only sometimes true, and that each story is as different as the unique individuals in it.

[goodyblue]

That love does exist, that "he'll never leave" is only sometimes true, and that each story is as different as the unique individuals in it.

 

I kinda think she was looking for what people learned after their affair didn't end the way they'd hoped. You and I don't really fit into that category, do we? I had to really laugh though, because my guy's ex really believed he would not leave her because of religious reasons, and that it would look bad in the eyes of his colleagues/clients. She has since learned that if you don't work at the marriage, it fails.

 

For me, I learned that you have to truly work hard every single day to make things work. Communication is key, as is truly listening to your partners needs, knowing his love language. I learned that nothing is infallable. I did learn that each story is unique also. My story is nothing like anyone else's. I also learned that if you want it, work for it, and are a team, things can be blissful.

[herself]

I learned no matter how things look on the outside, they arent always what they seem.

They arent always real or true. Woulda sworn mine was the truest, strongest, deepest foreverkind of love. How easily and quickly it was broken says to me it was just a spell, and aregular old here today, gone tommorow fun while it lasted kind of thing.

Not even sure any how to apply that "lesson" Im also still healing since November.

[ConcreteHeart]

I learned that my affair was not special or unique. That what was is said to each other during that time is all part of the fantasy that we create. I learned that we both had issues that needed to be resolved and that we used each other as an escape. I learned that I fall in love too easily and with people who will hurt me, instead of loving those that are healthy and whole. I have to love myself enough to find gratitude for the life I live.

[SarahJames]

When I initially established NC, I wasn't sure what I learned either. I just thought I wasted a significant amount of time on someone not worthy.

 

Looking back, I think I learned quite a bit:

 

1) I learned to think it over 1000 times before ever saying "yes" to a marriage proposal.

 

2) I learned what really great sex is like - and I now know what it's supposed to be like with the RIGHT guy.

 

3) "If you want to know how a man truly feels about you, ignore everything he says and only look at what he does".

 

4) I have so much to offer. I deserve more than being someone's mistress.

 

5) People are never who they seem to be. A lot of them are just working on a facade.

 

6) Don't marry someone, become unhappy in the marriage, and stay with them because you're afraid of splitting the money, house, and ruining your social reputation in a divorce.

 

7) Also, don't stay with someone out of comfort and routine. Don't stay with them if you're not fully satisfied either (if you feel the need to cheat, you're not satisfied).

 

8) Be truly aware that people will tell you one thing, but feel/think another.

 

9) Don't let yourself go. Work out, eat right, be presentable, and feel sexy.

 

10) There are people out there who are purely toxic. There is no fixing them - don't try to "change" them.

 

11) And finally, I'd make a great private investigator

[ladydesigner]

I learned from both my A and my WH's A's that I do not need anyone to validate me. I am an important person and love myself enough to know that someone else is not the answer to my being happy.

[Kushed]

I learned I'm an idiot

[txgrl]

That's funny!

[spice4life]

I learned that there are much betters ways to learn lessons in life! Positive ways.

[wanting more]

I learned that I'm stronger than I thought.

 

I learned I can be a good single mother with happy kids ( as opposed to a 2 parent home with unhappy kids)

 

I learned the true meaning of "actions speak louder than words"

 

I learned that I have some great friends who let me cry, whine, complain and hurt. Then gave me a drink and told me to suck it up and move on.

 

I learned a painful lesson that will never be forgotten.

[Popsicle]

I learned to stay far away from married men.

[blue963]

kush....not true.

[blacknoir]

My counselor asked me this question yesterday. Now that the affair is over, she's asking me what I learned from it. I think I gave her a blank stare and said "well, I learned not to do that again". Honestly, I think I'm still a little too close to the whole mess to have a real answer yet.

 

She's trying to point out, of course, that we shouldn't just have experiences and then never learn from them. So, I'm curious: what did you learn from your affair?

 

I'll probably be asked the same exact question at my next counseling session, as the MOW that was in my life broke up with me last Saturday night.

 

My emotions, too, are still raw. The MOW with whom I was having the A with has her D-Day next month, and my process is just (legally) starting, although I've been moved out for a while, and emotionally checked out for even longer.

 

I guess I've learned that it's OK to feel love again, but that I need to understand that the absense of love in your M does not necessarily mean that you're going to find it or get it in the OW (or anyone, for that matter) right away. It takes time. I wanted *so* badly to feel love again, and to feel loved, and I went way too fast, and got burned in the process.

[daretotrustlove]

I'm also still in the healing/greaving process since Jan. I agree with all the lesson's above. The saying....Actions over words, was never so true (as long as they are true actions)

 

I learn to not trust, not believe, not to love, not to dream. It has been the hardest thing for me to learn, because those are things that meant so much to me. She can have him, the empty shell that he is.

 

Yes, still hurting.......won't go there again.

[goodyblue]

I'm also still in the healing/greaving process since Jan. I agree with all the lesson's above. The saying....Actions over words, was never so true (as long as they are true actions)

 

I learn to not trust, not believe, not to love, not to dream. It has been the hardest thing for me to learn, because those are things that meant so much to me. She can have him, the empty shell that he is.

 

Yes, still hurting.......won't go there again.

 

(((((Daretotrustlove)))))

 

 

It'll get better. Chin up.

[spoonman]

I'll never learn.

[rumbleseat]

I'm also still in the healing/greaving process since Jan. I agree with all the lesson's above. The saying....Actions over words, was never so true (as long as they are true actions)

 

I learn to not trust, not believe, not to love, not to dream. It has been the hardest thing for me to learn, because those are things that meant so much to me. She can have him, the empty shell that he is.

 

Yes, still hurting.......won't go there again.

 

Don't give up those things. they are part of what brings joy to a person's life. Maybe, in the future, just be more careful with them and don't waste them on a guy like him.

 

if you let go of those things, then you give him more of you than he's already taken. don't let him do that.

[Owl]

I hope you don't mind a BS coming in here with what he's learned. What I learned probably is useful for everyone.

 

I learned that love by itself isn't enough. That communication is equally important. That learning how to show love in a way that makes the other person feel loved is as important in helping them to understand what makes you feel loved.

 

That there's nothing 'special' or 'magical' that protects my relationship from the same dangers that all the other relationships out there face. Mine isn't immune to those risks, isn't somehow mystically 'better' than anyone else's.

 

That you have to feed a relationship, not just have it and hope it grows.

 

That every relationship goes through ups and downs, and that's ok. Learn how to love each other through all of that, and you'll get through the downs, and enjoy the ups even more.

 

I've also learned that I'm worth more than I thought I was.

 

I don't see anything in my list of 'things learned' that doesn't equally apply to anyone else out there...even OM in my own situation. As long as he remains out of my life...I wish him a long and happy life.

[goodyblue]

I hope you don't mind a BS coming in here with what he's learned. What I learned probably is useful for everyone.

 

I learned that love by itself isn't enough. That communication is equally important. That learning how to show love in a way that makes the other person feel loved is as important in helping them to understand what makes you feel loved.

 

That there's nothing 'special' or 'magical' that protects my relationship from the same dangers that all the other relationships out there face. Mine isn't immune to those risks, isn't somehow mystically 'better' than anyone else's.

 

That you have to feed a relationship, not just have it and hope it grows.

 

That every relationship goes through ups and downs, and that's ok. Learn how to love each other through all of that, and you'll get through the downs, and enjoy the ups even more.

 

I've also learned that I'm worth more than I thought I was.

 

I don't see anything in my list of 'things learned' that doesn't equally apply to anyone else out there...even OM in my own situation. As long as he remains out of my life...I wish him a long and happy life.

 

Great post! Of course you are welcome to post... you were part of an affair too, even if you didn't make the choice to be. <3

[daretotrustlove]

There are so many parts to a "relationship" that makes it grow.

1) Loving the person, and excepting their faults.

2) Knowing what they need, want, desire and giving those things unconditionally.

3) Showing love to that person, even when they can't be there.

4) Communicating honestly,

5) Growing with the person you love, every day life changes us in some way.

6) Loving that person, even when their wrong.

7) Standing by them threw their life, and struggles.

8) I can keep going on and on......Its a shame that love is not enough. Isn't that what we all want...?

Love comes in all differnent shapes, sizes,color,thoughts and feelings. Love should be enough.

 

What did I learn from my affair. Love is not what people want, even when its what they have.

[veryhappy]

I find it premature for your therapist to ask you about what you've learned so early. I'm a year and a half out of my a and still don't have definitive views on it because I did my heart would turn to stone. This question would have upset me early in the process.

[Waverly]

I find it premature for your therapist to ask you about what you've learned so early. I'm a year and a half out of my a and still don't have definitive views on it because I did my heart would turn to stone. This question would have upset me early in the process.

 

I definitely didn't have anything even remotely approaching an answer. She did acknowledge that it's a little soon to have taken anything away from it.... At this point, any "lessons" that I've learned are pretty bitter and self-flagellating, which I doubt was what she was going for.

[Lord of the Flies]

I think what I have learned from everything is that you can never chose who you love, accept that we are all human and that we make mistakes, to always go with your gut and most importantly don't ever put others' needs before your own. I am still in the process of healing since late last year so it has been a challenge but day by day it gets better.