Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating

[BarbedFenceRider]

Ouch...Lets try to not T/J here...

 

 

That said... OP you are triggering for past events due to the current sitch. You do need some tools to deal with this even just to get through everyday life with. It sucks to be "on guard" every- single-day 24/7.

I think BP and Road are correct in that, the truth NEEDS to be examined. Maybe the way to examine it is a good point of contention, but still... I Hope that by adding the good stuff in the marriage and projecting a united "familial" front. You can open up to your wife and get some help and re-assurance. I know I would want that in mine.

I would love to hear about your conversation with her. And how she took you being forthright and transparent in your needs. Not accusatory like I said, just an intimate talk between two life partners....

[whichwayisup]

Thanks to all for the response. In this case I know that my children are mine.

I think that I didn’t get the full truth prior. I also know at this point it really should not have any consequences to my life or marriage.

 

It does disappoint me that it happened at all, and that things probably went farther than admitted. I wish she had shown the same respect and restraint that I did many years ago (and still do to this day).

 

Those who eloquently stated it will continue to bother me and that I’d probably come back every few years, are most likely correct.

 

Regarding IC, I did not proceed with it—don’t know if I ever will.

 

You should get some counseling. Put this to bed and move on, never think of it again. Your wife made some bad decisions years ago in her early 20's. Who doesn't at that age? You have to let this go or you're gonna continue to let resentment build towards her. Forgive her and mean it.

[Chaparral]

First off, you know she lied. First she said they had oral. Did they? Then she changed her story and sad they didn’t. Or did they not? Both cannot be true. Why on earth would she want to confess if nothing happened? What were the circumstances of those conversations? Did she see recanting as the only way to keep you? I am also active on another forum. In no forum can I remember a spouse admit to everything. Even if there is undeniable proof. Further, if they say the just hugged they kissed. If they say they just kissed they had oral at least. If they admit oral that had full on sex. If the do admit to having sex one time but it wasn’t any good, well, they had a full blown affair and sex many times.

 

Years later he figures out how to connect with her and calls? And all they ever did was not even oral on one date? Really?

 

This is killing your marriage. You can ask for a polygraph or you can go to counseling. To do either you are going to have some courage. I think you should go to counseling and quit obsessing. Damn few men are with wives that haven’t been with several men.

Most prefer it that way. Don’t ask don’t tell.

[Chaparral]

By the way, you are lying to your wife and have been for years. You’re going around acting like everything is hunky dory and it’s not. There is no way this insecurity isn’t hurting your relationship and your family.

[Cullenbohannon]

take some last advice and get off this forum.

 

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[Just a Guy]

10 characters. ?????

[Just a Guy]

Hi Fer_Jo, I've read through your whole thread and have my own opinions about what is happening with you. The first thing is that when you first got back with your wife(GF) after a year of forced separation and you got to know of her indiscretion, you rug swept the whole thing without going into it in detail and holding your wife, then GF responsible for her behaviour and actions. From her side she was happy to reveal the bare minimum and expected you to be happy and satisfied with what she had offered you. That was like a palliative for a serious illness which just suppressed the matter but did not resolve it. Of course since it was just suppressed, it has been festering on the back burner of your mind for all these years. Four years after you were engaged and living together, your wife's beau (your classmate) called wanting to speak to her. When you identified yourself and told him you were engaged to her he called off abruptly. Your wife of course acted sheepishly. This incident triggered your festering questions and gave them renewed life. Instead of addressing them head on at that time you again rug swept them and put them on the back burner where you thought you would be safe from them. Of course that was a fallacious notion. Then at the fifteen year mark the husband of your wife's so called toxic friend who is supposed to have initiated her into cheating on you, contacted her and wanted to meet up. This guy was probably the same classmate of yours with whom she cheated. Your problem flared up again because it had been kept warm on the back burner. Now about twenty two years later( in 2014) you triggered again. This will keep happening every so often because you have not addressed the fundamental problem adequately.

 

I also think that your triggering in part, is due to your sub conscious mind trying to tell you that there is a problem regarding what has gone on with your wife. She may have been in contact with this beau of hers clandestinely or if not with him then with her toxic friend. Only you can investigate and establish the truth. Do not expect your wife to come clean. She has'nt done so in donkeys years and she isn't going to start now. You can ignore your sub conscious( gut feel) at your own risk but then with the kind of attitude you have displayed it is likely you will keep your head buried in the sand till reality catches up with you. Listen to Blues and others with experience of what goes on if you want to come out hurt less than necessary. It is entity up to you. Best wishes.

[usa1ah]

So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

 

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

 

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

 

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.

 

Because unlike a mother, the father only has trust to go on that a child is actually his. When that trust is broken because the wife he trusted couldn’t keep her knees together he has the right to know without a doubt that his kids are his.

 

You are right about it not being the child’s fault. That belongs to the mother for screwing around with other men.

[road]

So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

 

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

 

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

 

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.

 

Throw off a cliff.

 

How about we let the kid climb down, or lower him with a rope,

parachute, hang glide lesson, or just leave the kid at the top of

the cliff and let him hitch a ride and just forget the cliff?

 

A BH's need for a paternity test is real as any other need.

Because a man gets a paternity test done does not mean the

BH will through away the relationship with his son just

because the child is not his bio son.

 

To be angry over the need for a DNA test is wrong.

However it is right to be angry at the person that caused the need

for a DNA test to be done. The WW.