He will wait for me in Friday.

[regine_phalange]

After the book-asking and all, my ex boyfriend asked to see me, so we could talk. I replied that we have discussed everything and there is nothing to be done. We had a fight (how original) and after a point I stopped replying.

 

After some days (today actually) he sent me another long mail, where he said I was the one in a lifetime, wrote a poem from a famous poet, and that he will wait for me outside a venue in Friday (a favorite musician of both is having a concert). That I should go only if I miss him and want him back. He said if I won't go, he won't bother me again. He requested that I don't reply to his email because he doesnt want to fight. The mail closed with "In case I don't see you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you".

 

It broke my heart. At the same time I don't want to go. Don't want to let him wait for me either. On the other hand I feel that if I just let him go and wait and I don't show up and keep my silence, he will have the closure he needs.

 

What would you do?

 

edit; I will not go for sure, just wondering whether I shall inform him that I won't go.

Edited February 26, 2014 by regine_phalange
forgot

[d0cholliday]

After the book-asking and all, my ex boyfriend asked to see me, so we could talk. I replied that we have discussed everything and there is nothing to be done. We had a fight (how original) and after a point I stopped replying.

 

After some days (today actually) he sent me another long mail, where he said I was the one in a lifetime, wrote a poem from a famous poet, and that he will wait for me outside a venue in Friday (a favorite musician of both is having a concert). That I should go only if I miss him and want him back. He said if I won't go, he won't bother me again. He requested that I don't reply to his email because he doesnt want to fight. The mail closed with "In case I don't see you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you".

 

It broke my heart. At the same time I don't want to go. Don't want to let him wait for me either. On the other hand I feel that if I just let him go and wait and I don't show up and keep my silence, he will have the closure he needs.

 

What would you do?

 

edit; I will not go for sure, just wondering whether I shall inform him that I won't go.

 

Well, if you are sure you don't want him back, and you won't regret it later, don't inform him, don't show up, don't contact him, leave him alone. He will be heart broken also, but eventually he will heal, and move on. I must admit, he is brave, he is giving it another shot, and he'll get closure he needs, like we all do. At least he'll realise that there is no chance of getting back, and won't live in false hope. He also tried to do the best romantic thing he could think, so OP you really need to be sure about all of this, cause I think there will be no chance for you after that. From a man perspective if a girl did that to me, I would leave her alone after that, move on with my life, no turning back. Don't look at this as he is giving you an ultimatum, he gave you options, and he is fine with either of one you choose.

 

Since you decide that you are not going, decide what you think is right, to inform him or not. It is up to you.

[regine_phalange]

Well, if you are sure you don't want him back, and you won't regret it later, don't inform him, don't show up, don't contact him, leave him alone. He will be heart broken also, but eventually he will heal, and move on. I must admit, he is brave, he is giving it another shot, and he'll get closure he needs, like we all do. At least he'll realise that there is no chance of getting back, and won't live in false hope. He also tried to do the best romantic thing he could think, so OP you really need to be sure about all of this, cause I think there will be no chance for you after that. From a man perspective if a girl did that to me, I would leave her alone after that, move on with my life, no turning back. Don't look at this as he is giving you an ultimatum, he gave you options, and he is fine with either of one you choose.

 

Since you decide that you are not going, decide what you think is right, to inform him or not. It is up to you.

 

Hey, thanks for your reply.

I'm 100% sure I don't want to go back. Truth is he has been very gutsy. But if there is no trust (there was cheating involved) there is nothing. I slowly fell out of love after I found out about it. I still care about him, but I can't be his girlfriend anymore.

 

About the informing, I really don't know what to do. I guess I won't say anything, I hope that if he gets a bit angry with me maybe he will move on faster.

[gaius]

I tried manipulative **** like that with one of my ex's when we were breaking up. My advice, if you want to be involved with him still on some level then respond to him and say you aren't coming. He'll take that as he still has power over you and probably keep the attention up. If you're really done just don't show up and don't say anything.

[David87]

Don't tell him that you wont go. He had his shot with you but he blew it. It's his turn to suffer.

[regine_phalange]

I tried manipulative **** like that with one of my ex's when we were breaking up. My advice, if you want to be involved with him still on some level then respond to him and say you aren't coming. He'll take that as he still has power over you and probably keep the attention up. If you're really done just don't show up and don't say anything.

 

Shame on you

 

Yeah, I thought of it as a form of manipulation. I also fear that if I reply it's going to keep his hopes up, as he tends to misinterpret the slightest thing that I do. Thank you for the input gaius!

 

Don't tell him that you wont go. He had his shot with you but he blew it. It's his turn to suffer.

Thanks David. I wouldn't want him to suffer, and I don't like the idea of revenge. It is just that everyone is responsible for their actions and choices. I can tell he has really regretted it, and I won't lie, afterwards he tried to make things work. I know that he loves me. But a deal breaker is a deal breaker.

[AlphaC]

After the book-asking and all, my ex boyfriend asked to see me, so we could talk. I replied that we have discussed everything and there is nothing to be done. We had a fight (how original) and after a point I stopped replying.

 

After some days (today actually) he sent me another long mail, where he said I was the one in a lifetime, wrote a poem from a famous poet, and that he will wait for me outside a venue in Friday (a favorite musician of both is having a concert). That I should go only if I miss him and want him back. He said if I won't go, he won't bother me again. He requested that I don't reply to his email because he doesnt want to fight. The mail closed with "In case I don't see you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you".

 

It broke my heart. At the same time I don't want to go. Don't want to let him wait for me either. On the other hand I feel that if I just let him go and wait and I don't show up and keep my silence, he will have the closure he needs.

 

What would you do?

 

edit; I will not go for sure, just wondering whether I shall inform him that I won't go.

 

If you were sure you wanted nothing to do with him you wouldn't be asking for advice - FACT!

 

Deal breakers, rules, etc, meh!!!

 

We'll all see you in a few months writing about how this man got away, how you should have gone to the concert with him and now he's with another woman, he's changed blah blah blah.

 

I remember reading this one woman's post about her cheating ex who dumped her and later came all the way from Europe to beg for another chance. She was so steadfast on rejecting his attempts to reconcile. She wrote that he had missed his opportunity by about 3 days and now she was over him. Guess what, a week later she was begging for him to give her another chance. What's the point, glad you asked....

 

The point or rule that is most important in all relationships is that there are no rules, this isn't a business relationship, these are feelings. People change all the time. You change your preferences, you change your beliefs, you change your tolerance level every single day. What you hate today you love tomorrow and vice versa, if this were not true no one would reconcile. How many people come back for a second chance, at the time of break up they hated their partners and then time passed and they longed for them again.

 

It's all about DESIRE, why do you want to be with so and so, "because I like him or her".

 

I went on a date last night with this beautiful IV league educated blond. Yes blond, that's what I said. Anyway she got divorced about 4 years ago. She told me about her last bf, this guy was cheating on her and she put up with him for close to a year. She told me she never dated cheaters and wouldn't put up with them, HOWEVER, she thought this guy was different and she could change him. It wasn't her rules that kept her in this relationship, it was her desire, she told me she felt a strong attraction for this man. Ultimately they agreed to break up, she took a few months off for herself and is now dating again.

 

So the moral of the story, "deal breakers" don't exist. As soon as you lose attraction and desire to be with someone these so called rules (deal breakers) apply. So if you like this guy, seems like you are not over him, don't show up, he will continue to chase you until he finds another woman and at the point you will probably regret not meeting him, but it will be at that point that he'll use your not showing up as an excuse. Understand??

[regine_phalange]

If you were sure you wanted nothing to do with him you wouldn't be asking for advice - FACT!

 

Deal breakers, rules, etc, meh!!!

 

We'll all see you in a few months writing about how this man got away, how you should have gone to the concert with him and now he's with another woman, he's changed blah blah blah.

 

I remember reading this one woman's post about her cheating ex who dumped her and later came all the way from Europe to beg for another chance. She was so steadfast on rejecting his attempts to reconcile. She wrote that he had missed his opportunity by about 3 days and now she was over him. Guess what, a week later she was begging for him to give her another chance. What's the point, glad you asked....

 

The point or rule that is most important in all relationships is that there are no rules, this isn't a business relationship, these are feelings. People change all the time. You change your preferences, you change your beliefs, you change your tolerance level every single day. What you hate today you love tomorrow and vice versa, if this were not true no one would reconcile. How many people come back for a second chance, at the time of break up they hated their partners and then time passed and they longed for them again.

 

It's all about DESIRE, why do you want to be with so and so, "because I like him or her".

 

I went on a date last night with this beautiful IV league educated blond. Yes blond, that's what I said. Anyway she got divorced about 4 years ago. She told me about her last bf, this guy was cheating on her and she put up with him for close to a year. She told me she never dated cheaters and wouldn't put up with them, HOWEVER, she thought this guy was different and she could change him. It wasn't her rules that kept her in this relationship, it was her desire, she told me she felt a strong attraction for this man. Ultimately they agreed to break up, she took a few months off for herself and is now dating again.

 

So the moral of the story, "deal breakers" don't exist. As soon as you lose attraction and desire to be with someone these so called rules (deal breakers) apply. So if you like this guy, seems like you are not over him, don't show up, he will continue to chase you until he finds another woman and at the point you will probably regret not meeting him, but it will be at that point that he'll use your not showing up as an excuse. Understand??

 

Wow, hold on!

Don't throw your sh*t on my face. I didn't throw mine on yours.

 

Yes, rules exist. It's about what you can or cannot handle in a partner/relationship/whatever. And they come with experience. You cheat on me and want to be with me? Then I'm 100% sureI will make your life a living hell if I stay. If you like it, great. But I don't, I prefer to be happy and carefree.

 

I have broken up with this person since September, and once a month he communicates with me about how he can't have any closure, blah blah blah. I haven't seen him since September, because guess what? I don't want to! And he is a freaking persisting fella. But so am I. If I make up my mind about something there is no way on earth you will change my mind. I just want him to get the message and leave me alone without feeling there is still something "in the air". Yes, I care for him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just want to be done with it. Understand?

 

ps. I'm not blonde, my hair is dark.

[AlphaC]

Wow, hold on!

Don't throw your sh*t on my face. I didn't throw mine on yours.

 

Yes, rules exist. It's about what you can or cannot handle in a partner/relationship/whatever. And they come with experience. You cheat on me and want to be with me? Then I'm 100% sureI will make your life a living hell if I stay. If you like it, great. But I don't, I prefer to be happy and carefree.

 

I have broken up with this person since September, and once a month he communicates with me about how he can't have any closure, blah blah blah. I haven't seen him since September, because guess what? I don't want to! And he is a freaking persisting fella. But so am I. If I make up my mind about something there is no way on earth you will change my mind. I just want him to get the message and leave me alone without feeling there is still something "in the air". Yes, I care for him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just want to be done with it. Understand?

 

ps. I'm not blonde, my hair is dark.

 

I'm so happy you replied to my post, I didn't throw my sh..t in your face, i was talking about observations from this site and my talk with last night's date. I am not a fan of cheaters either but I can't tell you I will never put up with it because I will be lying. Anyway....

 

I wanted to touch on your "not wanting" to meet your ex. The reality is that you are not over him, you keep the lines of communication open. When you are over someone you move on. You move on by closing all avenues of communication with them. Read "he's scared, she's scared" there is a chapter on moving on and getting closure. You're issue is not about showing up at the concert, your issue is about how he will interpret your actions, in other words he still has control over you. You can argue with me all you want, but you can't deny the obvious.

 

Move on, block all his emails addresses, phone numbers, etc. Read Thora-Tiki (sic) "my no contact story on this site" really good read I must say. Anyway, she didn't read her ex's emails for months until she had "evolved" . Instead she saved all his emails on a specially named folder. Your call, good luck.

[d0cholliday]

I'm so happy you replied to my post, I didn't throw my sh..t in your face, i was talking about observations from this site and my talk with last night's date. I am not a fan of cheaters either but I can't tell you I will never put up with it because I will be lying. Anyway....

 

I wanted to touch on your "not wanting" to meet your ex. The reality is that you are not over him, you keep the lines of communication open. When you are over someone you move on. You move on by closing all avenues of communication with them. Read "he's scared, she's scared" there is a chapter on moving on and getting closure. You're issue is not about showing up at the concert, your issue is about how he will interpret your actions, in other words he still has control over you. You can argue with me all you want, but you can't deny the obvious.

 

Move on, block all his emails addresses, phone numbers, etc. Read Thora-Tiki (sic) "my no contact story on this site" really good read I must say. Anyway, she didn't read her ex's emails for months until she had "evolved" . Instead she saved all his emails on a specially named folder. Your call, good luck.

 

I must agree with Alpha. You wouldn't be here if you are over your ex. And you are making him suffer cause he cheated. Don't get me wrong, I hate cheaters, that's a deal breaker for me also. You say you know he is genuinly sorry for what he done, you are communicating with him. He is persistent, he is trying hard, that means he knows he screwed up, and wants to fix things.

I would also chase my ex, until I find someone new if she lets me. If you said to him it is over, there is no chance anymore, and went NC, stayed away, that means there is no chance, the fact you are still talking to him, means you still got some feelings for him, not wanting to hurt him etc.

 

Leaving him waiting alone infront of the concert place, will hurt like hell, but be sure she probably won't contact you ever again. He had his chance and he blew it, he is aware of that, but he is going in for one more time, and it is a last time.

 

Like I said you need to decide what are you going to do. If you don't want him, and you know you'll do fine without him, than cut all communication with him, dissapear completly, he'll get the point when he realises that you are not coming. You could text him, that you are not coming, but ask him politely not to contact you again, and then go full NC. Zero interaction, no facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc.

 

On the other hand if you are willing even slitghly to give him another chance, then go with him, but tell him all the stuff he needs to do, if he is genuine he will listen to you, and do whatever it takes to get you back. That's what men will do when they truly love...

[regine_phalange]

I must agree with Alpha. You wouldn't be here if you are over your ex. And you are making him suffer cause he cheated. Don't get me wrong, I hate cheaters, that's a deal breaker for me also. You say you know he is genuinly sorry for what he done, you are communicating with him. He is persistent, he is trying hard, that means he knows he screwed up, and wants to fix things.

I would also chase my ex, until I find someone new if she lets me. If you said to him it is over, there is no chance anymore, and went NC, stayed away, that means there is no chance, the fact you are still talking to him, means you still got some feelings for him, not wanting to hurt him etc.

 

Leaving him waiting alone infront of the concert place, will hurt like hell, but be sure she probably won't contact you ever again. He had his chance and he blew it, he is aware of that, but he is going in for one more time, and it is a last time.

 

Like I said you need to decide what are you going to do. If you don't want him, and you know you'll do fine without him, than cut all communication with him, dissapear completly, he'll get the point when he realises that you are not coming. You could text him, that you are not coming, but ask him politely not to contact you again, and then go full NC. Zero interaction, no facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc.

 

On the other hand if you are willing even slitghly to give him another chance, then go with him, but tell him all the stuff he needs to do, if he is genuine he will listen to you, and do whatever it takes to get you back. That's what men will do when they truly love...

 

Well, I'm not a robot, I'm a human. I don't block the people I used to have a relationship with (especially when I was the one who left), I can't turn feelings of affection and care on and off (and I don't want to). You have to understand that I don't like the feeling of throwing people in the garbage. I care the same about my first ex boyfriend from 7 years ago, that doesn't mean I'm not over him. With all my old boyfriends communication faded on its' own through the years, so I never had a problem with my new boyfriends.The only person I have blocked was an ex boyfriend who was physically abusive.

 

I am not going to the concert, this is a fact since the beginning, I'm not second guessing that. I just don't know how to help this person understand that it's time to move on. I guess the only thing I can do is keep a silence.

 

Not everything is black and white in this life, people are not black and white. There are also a lot of grey areas.

 

* I made my boyfriend suffer because of the cheating a long time ago,

we were in limbo for months before the final breakup. I made his life a living hell. We weren't a couple and he handled a lot, so many things, that I think we are now "equal" (that wasn't the intention of course, it was a very draining experience for me too). I even feel qualms of conscience about the way I treated him. Even though I tried to break our communication a thousand times, I think he was very dependent emotionally on me. So, believe me, I don't seek any revenge, I feel very bad already, I just want all of this to stop with the least possible amount of hurt.

[AlphaC]

For someone who has over 800 postings on this site I'm surprised by your attitude. First of all I never cursed at you, you seem to have a hard time expressing yourself, I also notice a mean streak in your writing.

 

Anyway, there is a reason why your ex cheated on you - just remember that!!

 

Another thing I should educate you on is the following, you stated that you made your ex suffer (so you think)! How do you know he was actually suffering?? Only he can tell how he feels, he could have been lying or you could have misread his thoughts, just like you misread my intentions in my earlier post. Anyway, unbeknownst to your ex is the fact that he is in a good place right now, if he was smart he would move on.

 

Lastly your sentence about not blocking him makes no sense, You state that since you were the dumper, you don't need to block him. To me this shows that you apply the rules to suit you. How about blocking him so he that he could move on, sometimes we have to think of others too, we have to forgive. If he has been doing all this suffering, as you state, then blocking him and moving on with your life will not only help you, it will help him too, good luck.

Edited February 27, 2014 by AlphaC

[regine_phalange]

First of all I never cursed at you, you seem to have a hard time expressing yourself, I also notice a mean streak in your writing.

 

We'll all see you in a few months writing about how this man got away, how you should have gone to the concert with him and now he's with another woman, he's changed blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, there is a reason why your ex cheated on you - just remember that!!

 

Mmmm, I think I'd prefer the cursing.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

sigh, women.

 

[AlphaC]

sigh, women.

 

 

 

ha ha, exactly brother, i would like to say she is immature but you know the mods will edit or delete my post, so I won't say she is immature, hahahaha!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

emotions, they are a motherf--ker.

 

 

because even if you don't like their tone or what they're saying.

 

 

they're right.

 

 

because if you didn't care, and you were in fact "over" him..

 

 

you'd already know what to do.

 

 

but then again, women primarily use emotion in decision making, and men primarily use logic. so we know, you're all over the place, motherf--k'n roller coaster ride.

 

 

 

 

truth be told.

[regine_phalange]

emotions, they are a motherf--ker.

 

 

because even if you don't like their tone or what they're saying.

 

 

they're right.

 

 

because if you didn't care, and you were in fact "over" him..

 

 

you'd already know what to do.

 

 

but then again, women primarily use emotion in decision making, and men primarily use logic. so we know, you're all over the place, motherf--k'n roller coaster ride.

 

 

 

 

truth be told.

 

I have been searching google scholar for articles about how women primarily use emotion in decision making, and men use logic. I didn't find anything... But I found this very insteresting article; "Testosterone shifts the balance between sensitivity for punishment and reward in healthy young women"

 

 

I quote a part of it ; "As hypothesized, subjects showed a more disadvantageous pattern of decision-making after testosterone compared to placebo administration. These findings not only provide the first direct evidence for the effects of testosterone on punishment–reward contingencies in humans, but they also give further insights into the hypothetical link between testosterone and psychopathy."

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I have been searching google scholar for articles about how women primarily use emotion in decision making, and men use logic. I didn't find anything... But I found this very insteresting article; "Testosterone shifts the balance between sensitivity for punishment and reward in healthy young women"

 

 

I quote a part of it ; "As hypothesized, subjects showed a more disadvantageous pattern of decision-making after testosterone compared to placebo administration. These findings not only provide the first direct evidence for the effects of testosterone on punishment–reward contingencies in humans, but they also give further insights into the hypothetical link between testosterone and psychopathy."

 

 

 

 

so tell me , ol' wise one...

 

 

why are you here?

 

 

because of those dam emotions.

 

 

and say what you want, but you don't even know what you want or what to do

 

 

because....

 

 

you're not over him.

[regine_phalange]

so tell me , ol' wise one...

 

 

why are you here?

 

To give scientifically valid information to people.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

To give scientifically valid information to people.

 

 

 

lol or because you aren't over your ex.

[AlphaC]

so tell me , ol' wise one...

 

 

why are you here?

 

 

because of those dam emotions.

 

 

and say what you want, but you don't even know what you want

 

 

Hey LifeGoesOnMan,

Remember my last post about wanting to, but not calling the OP immature? Well read her signature, it reads the following

 

"it's never too late to have a happy childhood."

 

I rest my case!!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Hey LifeGoesOnMan,

Remember my last post about wanting to, but not calling the OP immature? Well read her signature, it reads the following

 

"it's never too late to have a happy childhood."

 

I rest my case!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lol seriously, im not even trying to be snarky, just trying to give some tough love and make her realize this.

 

 

doesn't work well with the female persuasion, or so it seems.

[regine_phalange]

Did I travel in time? Is this elementary school or what?

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Did I travel in time? Is this elementary school or what?

 

 

 

you're acting like it.

 

 

im just trying to tell you what you already know...

 

 

YOU ARE NOT OVER HIM.

 

 

which is just fine! maybe spend some time alone really thinking about how you are going to feel when you see him banging other girls and then make your decision.

 

 

 

 

for god sakes, you posted this is the "2nd chances" section of the forum...

 

 

why?

[regine_phalange]

you're acting like it.

 

 

im just trying to tell you what you already know...

 

 

YOU ARE NOT OVER HIM.

 

 

which is just fine! maybe spend some time alone really thinking about how you are going to feel when you see him banging other girls and then make your decision.

 

 

 

 

for god sakes, you posted this is the "2nd chances" section of the forum...

 

 

why?

 

I've made my decision since September 2013! I wonder, how am I going to see him banging other girls? I don't own a telescope.

 

I don't understand why you and Alpha insist that I am not over him. I am not in love with him any more. That doesn't mean I don't care. What you're saying is superficial, not me.

 

 

What do you mean why? Because he wants me back!