Best friend situation getting complicated

[DeadliestFruit]

This one is a doozy.

 

 

I am friends with a girl I have known for about 7 years. I get along very well with her and her family. So well that I am treated like a member of that family. She even considers me her brother.

 

You probably guessed that I have feelings for this girl. Have for a while now. I asked her out when I first knew it in the beginning which I was turned down for. Oh well. Live and move on. I was young anyway.

 

I have been through some relationships since. Have been single for a while and my feelings for her are still there. They have never gotten in the way of our friendship, but they were getting worse to handle especially when it seemed like she was interested in me (friends and family were saying they thought she was into me as well).

 

So I told her.

 

Turned down. Oh well. Live and move on.

 

Except that she is still giving off signs that she is interested and everyone else still believes it.

 

So I decided to lessen contact with her. I won't text her or talk to her first on FB. I figure that if the absence from me sprouts feelings in her, so be it. If the less contact helps me to move on, then so be it as well.

 

It helps that she lives 8 hours away, but I always have to travel to where she lives to visit my family and a group of my friends who she is also friends with. So we end up hanging out every now and then but never just by ourselves.

 

But the real problem is that we have a planned holiday away together this year. It is a week with just the two of us and shared beds to make things cheaper. I thought that after I had confessed my feelings to her, she would not be comfortable with going anymore. But the topic was brought up and I asked her if she was sure she wanted to go and she is still very keen for it.

 

What do I do? Do I keep going with the less contact approach that I have been going with? Or do I upgrade it to the absolutely no contact approach and cancel the holiday away with her?

 

What would you do, LoveShack?

[Trimmer]

Hold on a sec here... can you clarify?

 

Are you male or female? And how old?

 

If you're male, and just the two of you are going on a trip, and the plan is to share a bed - I think that's kind of a weird setup... Who made this plan that you are subject to?

[DeadliestFruit]

I am male. We are 22 years old each.

 

We both planned the setup before my confession. Can't remember who made the actual suggestion for it, but we both agreed to it because we don't have lots of cash.

[damien201]

I am male. We are 22 years old each.

 

We both planned the setup before my confession. Can't remember who made the actual suggestion for it, but we both agreed to it because we don't have lots of cash.

 

Man, you had plans to sleep in the same bed with a girl you liked for a week?

 

Massive mistake on confessing your feelings. When a girl wants to share a bed with you she likes you at least a little and probably wants to have sex. I would say try to play it off like it never happened and hope it didn't get you friendzoned.

Edited February 27, 2014 by damien201

[preraph]

You've been honest with her twice and gotten turned down, so I think now you have to accept it and move on. I would either pony up the money for my own room or not sleep with her but with someone else. Why torture yourself? She's said no. She wouldn't do that if she didn't mean it. You're in the friendzone.

[ASG]

Man, you had plans to sleep in the same bed with a girl you liked for a week?

 

Massive mistake on confessing your feelings. When a girl wants to share a bed with you she likes you at least a little and probably wants to have sex. I would say try to play it off like it never happened and hope it didn't get you friendzoned.

 

 

Er... no. This is just simply not true. I've lost count of the amount of male friends I've shared a bed with that I had no intention of having sex with. Will be doing the same this weekend actually. Sharing a bed with a friend I have no intention of sleeping with, ever.

 

As for the OP... I guess it depends. She is fine with it, because she has no intention whatsoever of getting sexual and is seeing the whole thing as just two friends saving some money and trusts you to behave.

 

What you have to decide is whether you will be comfortable with that setting or not. Will you be able to handle sharing a room and a bed with a friend you have feelings for, in a completely non romantic way?

If your answer is yes, then go ahead and go on holiday with her.

If your answer is no you need to come clean, talk to her about it and possibly cancel your trip.

[damien201]

Er... no. This is just simply not true. I've lost count of the amount of male friends I've shared a bed with that I had no intention of having sex with.

 

I feel for those guys.

[preraph]

^ Well, don't feel too sorry for them because when that happens it's usually because you're doing them a favor and letting them sleep over because they're too wasted to be on the road....or too broke to get their own accommodations....or trying to trick a disinterested female into putting out.

[darkmoon]

she sounds naïve, I can almost hear her..."he's a really nice guy, he isn't like that, he's my mate"...compliments, okay, but at 22, she might mistake being nice for being neutered, one sexless night together might be bearable, but a week is virtually setting you up for sex

 

 

try a lil kiss before you go, test her, you will not know til you kiss

[DeadliestFruit]

Man, you had plans to sleep in the same bed with a girl you liked for a week?

 

Massive mistake on confessing your feelings. When a girl wants to share a bed with you she likes you at least a little and probably wants to have sex. I would say try to play it off like it never happened and hope it didn't get you friendzoned.

 

Yep. I am a moron. I should have kept my mouth shut.

 

I was under the impression that I was already in the so called 'friend zone' on account of us being like family.

 

 

You've been honest with her twice and gotten turned down, so I think now you have to accept it and move on. I would either pony up the money for my own room or not sleep with her but with someone else. Why torture yourself? She's said no. She wouldn't do that if she didn't mean it. You're in the friendzone.

 

I am in the process of moving on. I am currently on no contact duties unless it is in person when I travel to her area. I am just not sure if I should still go away with just her later in the year when things have calmed down.

 

Er... no. This is just simply not true. I've lost count of the amount of male friends I've shared a bed with that I had no intention of having sex with. Will be doing the same this weekend actually. Sharing a bed with a friend I have no intention of sleeping with, ever.

 

As for the OP... I guess it depends. She is fine with it, because she has no intention whatsoever of getting sexual and is seeing the whole thing as just two friends saving some money and trusts you to behave.

 

What you have to decide is whether you will be comfortable with that setting or not. Will you be able to handle sharing a room and a bed with a friend you have feelings for, in a completely non romantic way?

If your answer is yes, then go ahead and go on holiday with her.

If your answer is no you need to come clean, talk to her about it and possibly cancel your trip.

 

I agree with you. Just because a girl wants to share a bed does not mean she wants pants to the floor. She has shared a bed with only one guy before and that was me a while ago. Nothing happened, but there was some faint sexual tension.

 

I can probably handle sharing a bed with her in a non-romantic way. By the time it happens, I will have gotten a grip on myself. The thing I am worried about is if she keeps exhibiting signs that she is interested even though she has stated that she sees me as no more than a friend. And if those actions resurface my feelings. Again.

[DeadliestFruit]

she sounds naïve, I can almost hear her..."he's a really nice guy, he isn't like that, he's my mate"...compliments, okay, but at 22, she might mistake being nice for being neutered, one sexless night together might be bearable, but a week is virtually setting you up for sex

 

 

try a lil kiss before you go, test her, you will not know til you kiss

 

 

I don't think she has ever called me a 'nice guy', but I know what you are saying. And I am actually not like that.

 

So you believe there is an expectation for that sort of thing, even with two close friends? Two people in a room long enough results in ****ing?

 

Of course try a kiss first. You don't pounce on a fully clothed woman and have at it. Or have I been doing it wrong for all of these years? She does do the whole looking at my lips thing that I have been told is a sign to try it.

[darkmoon]

I don't think she has ever called me a 'nice guy', but I know what you are saying. And I am actually not like that.

 

So you believe there is an expectation for that sort of thing, even with two close friends? Two people in a room long enough results in ****ing?

 

Of course try a kiss first. You don't pounce on a fully clothed woman and have at it. Or have I been doing it wrong for all of these years? She does do the whole looking at my lips thing that I have been told is a sign to try it.

 

 

 

i am looking at the situation from a guy's point of view, am female, my male friendships all have gone the same way, sex eventually is requested, in the same room for a week, you will be thrown together, it is not unreasonable to see a come-on, mother nature, hormones make it happen

Edited February 28, 2014 by darkmoon

[damien201]

I agree with you. Just because a girl wants to share a bed does not mean she wants pants to the floor. She has shared a bed with only one guy before and that was me a while ago. Nothing happened, but there was some faint sexual tension.

 

*FACE PALM*

 

Man she probably wanted to fool around with you then too. If you really like this girl please just make a move on her.

 

Please take ASG's advice with a grain of salt. Yes, there are women out there who will just sleep in a bed with a guy as friends. These women thrive off the attention and control they have over the men in their lives. Most men would refer to them as a tease.

 

Your girl doesn't sound this way at all. Don't be afraid to give her what she wants.

[mrs rubble]

How does she act when you've been involved with other woman? Does she flirt with you? Is she jealous or possesive? I think that would be your biggest clue whether she does have romantic feelings that she's not admitting to.

[DeadliestFruit]

*FACE PALM*

 

Man she probably wanted to fool around with you then too. If you really like this girl please just make a move on her.

 

Please take ASG's advice with a grain of salt. Yes, there are women out there who will just sleep in a bed with a guy as friends. These women thrive off the attention and control they have over the men in their lives. Most men would refer to them as a tease.

 

Your girl doesn't sound this way at all. Don't be afraid to give her what she wants.

 

Perhaps you are right. It would be strange if she did. She has had no experience with guys at all (dating or intimate) and usually comes across as not interested in dating or intimacy at all.

 

 

How does she act when you've been involved with other woman? Does she flirt with you? Is she jealous or possesive? I think that would be your biggest clue whether she does have romantic feelings that she's not admitting to.

 

My previous partners have hated her and she returned those feelings.

 

Because she is a shy girl, her flirting seems to be very subtle. Towards the end of my previous relationship, she was showing the same signals that she has been showing lately and they never used to exist before that.

 

I don't know about her being jealous or possessive. She would come out of her shell a bit more when I was hanging around with my last partner. Funnier and louder. And she gets rather quiet when she is around a discussion about my relationships, although she joins in the laughter when my friends and I joke about them.

[mrs rubble]

I'd say she does have feelings for you.

[DeadliestFruit]

I'd say she does have feelings for you.

 

That's going to make moving on very difficult indeed.

 

But why say that she only sees me as a friend if she does happen to have feelings for me? I don't understand why someone would do that.

[Trimmer]

That's going to make moving on very difficult indeed.

 

But why say that she only sees me as a friend if she does happen to have feelings for me? I don't understand why someone would do that.

If she is, as you suggest, inexperienced, and possibly naive, then expecting her choices and positions in this area to be rational and understandable is a losing game. If she's inexperienced, then she's winging it...

 

I've had this feeling in the thread - and this point about her inexperience just strengthens it - that I think you need to take more control of the situation. You have feelings for her, and you admitted it? Fine then, don't be embarrassed or shy away from that. Own it without shame, even as you accept that it's possible nothing will come of it. No apologies; no shame. Confidence (but not arrogance.)

 

And within that, and given her likely naivete, you may need to actively establish "friend" boundaries, sort of teaching her as you go. "Given my feelings for you, it's really not going to work for us to share a bed on this trip." Don't apologize for it or act ashamed - own it with confidence and strength. (I bet if anything is going to attract her and "wake her up", it's you taking control a little bit...)

 

You want to still be friends? Cool, no problem. But for example, since you've acknowledged some "feelings", just take the unapologetic, confident (but again: not arrogant...) attitude that sharing a bed isn't going to work. If anything (and especially if she does have some latent feelings for you,) she should understand this as a compliment - let it hang out there unspoken. And it may even jar her a little bit, in that she is comfortable to enjoying a kind of a "safe" intimacy from you. This will pull that back - and it may pull or push her out of that comfort zone and off the fence a little bit, maybe onto your side.

 

Understand that you are probably the more experienced one with relationship dynamics here, and you probably have the clearer view of the dynamic between the two of you. Don't sit around waiting for her to establish the emotional dynamic that will work for her, because with her inexperience, she will probalby just continue to take whatever "safe" intimacy she can get from you as a brother-type. You can kindly and respectfully pull back a little from that - confidently acknowledging your attraction and teaching her about male/female boundaries within a friendship vs. a relationship - and who knows, maybe it will move her in one direction of the other.

[DeadliestFruit]

If she is, as you suggest, inexperienced, and possibly naive, then expecting her choices and positions in this area to be rational and understandable is a losing game. If she's inexperienced, then she's winging it...

 

I've had this feeling in the thread - and this point about her inexperience just strengthens it - that I think you need to take more control of the situation. You have feelings for her, and you admitted it? Fine then, don't be embarrassed or shy away from that. Own it without shame, even as you accept that it's possible nothing will come of it. No apologies; no shame. Confidence (but not arrogance.)

 

And within that, and given her likely naivete, you may need to actively establish "friend" boundaries, sort of teaching her as you go. "Given my feelings for you, it's really not going to work for us to share a bed on this trip." Don't apologize for it or act ashamed - own it with confidence and strength. (I bet if anything is going to attract her and "wake her up", it's you taking control a little bit...)

 

You want to still be friends? Cool, no problem. But for example, since you've acknowledged some "feelings", just take the unapologetic, confident (but again: not arrogant...) attitude that sharing a bed isn't going to work. If anything (and especially if she does have some latent feelings for you,) she should understand this as a compliment - let it hang out there unspoken. And it may even jar her a little bit, in that she is comfortable to enjoying a kind of a "safe" intimacy from you. This will pull that back - and it may pull or push her out of that comfort zone and off the fence a little bit, maybe onto your side.

 

Understand that you are probably the more experienced one with relationship dynamics here, and you probably have the clearer view of the dynamic between the two of you. Don't sit around waiting for her to establish the emotional dynamic that will work for her, because with her inexperience, she will probalby just continue to take whatever "safe" intimacy she can get from you as a brother-type. You can kindly and respectfully pull back a little from that - confidently acknowledging your attraction and teaching her about male/female boundaries within a friendship vs. a relationship - and who knows, maybe it will move her in one direction of the other.

 

She has a strange way of winging it if that is the case.

 

Yeah. Confidence without being arrogant is the key as I have always been told. I am always teetering on the line between the two though. But that is because usually I am hanging out with her in a group of friends rather than one on one.

 

So you are saying I should physically distance myself from her (more than the no contact when apart) and the friendly intimacies that we share. But I am guessing that I have to cite the reasons you listed to her in a confident manner while avoiding being arrogant in case she thinks I am just being a dick. And if she wants those intimacies, she needs to know that they come with feelings attached. Am I understanding correctly?

[preraph]

Once a woman has said no, you need to stop making advances! It's hard for women to be that direct, but she has been, twice.

[Trimmer]

So you are saying I should physically distance myself from her (more than the no contact when apart) and the friendly intimacies that we share. But I am guessing that I have to cite the reasons you listed to her in a confident manner while avoiding being arrogant in case she thinks I am just being a dick. And if she wants those intimacies, she needs to know that they come with feelings attached. Am I understanding correctly?

Well, in the big picture, you have to decide what works for you. Continuing on like nothing has changed lets her satisfy her need for those intimacies that you provide, without having to take the risk of a closer relationship - certainly a win for her. But the question is, does that work for you? If it does, then fine, but is that really a sustainable "friend" relationship for you?

 

Some on here might say that you would be submitting to being (a very judgmental-sounding term...) her emotional tampon. This supposes that she will use you when she needs you, and then is free to discard you without risk when she doesn't any more. That's a bit of a harsh term for me, but the metaphor is worth thinking about.

 

And, if it's worth it to you to keep to the status quo, to keep the close, safe, brother-sister type of relationship, then maybe you will decide to do so, and I'm not going to judge you for it - just understand what you are doing, and keep a clear view.

 

On the other hand, great things are usually achieved by taking risks, and every risk does bring with it a downside.

 

The status quo is safe - but it's the status quo.

 

As far as what to tell her, she's really laid the groundwork for you there. As peraph points out:

Once a woman has said no, you need to stop making advances! It's hard for women to be that direct, but she has been, twice.

When it comes up (like if you tell her you need to get separate beds or even separate rooms on your vacation) you can just start by telling her this. She said "no" so out of respect you will back off.

 

And if she says "well, why can't we just be like we were before?" then you can just say "with the way I feel, there are certain things I can't do - they just don't work for me; here's what works for me as friends..." and go from there. Don't apologize or be ashamed of your feelings for her, of stepping back out of respect for her "no" answer, or of establishing reasonable boundaries. Don't stuff it in her face, like "screw you, I'm going to hold out on you", but make it about what works for you - what you need to do - given your feelings for her.

 

Right now, she doesn't have to do anything, doesn't have to take any risk, to get your emotional intimacy. It's OK for you to decide that doesn't work for you. Making that declaration may knock her off that fence: it may result in her pulling back a bit, too (which is probably just as well as it will help you get over her if she's not "innocently" trying to share a bed with you) or she may come to realize that she wants that intimacy, and it's worth taking the risk of a closer relationship to get it.

 

But, to gender-reverse the old metaphor, why would she buy the cow if she's getting the milk she needs for free?