My 13 year old daughter does not like to come home.

[happily_divorseing]

Gawd!!!

I dont know where to begin, I love my daughter with all my heart. I would do anything for her. But i am frustrated with her, and mad at her all at the same time. She is 13 years old, i want to let her be a teenager, but the things that she does, just gets to me.

Every day after school she has to go to her friends house, oh and on weekends she goes there. Her friend is the only child. I remind her to come home every day. I told her she has to ask if she want to go over there. She never asks me. She just does whatever she wants to.

 

Before x-mas vacation, she got caught skipping school (4 days). She got 3 weeks grounding for skipping and 2 days in house suspension. She has not done it since. She is failing 8 th grade.

But there is one thing, when she is home she is a perfect angel. When ever i have to talk to her at her friends house, she gives me an attitude, until i give in. I know i have to be strong with my desicions, but i am at my wits end with her. It seems that she want to live at her friends house and not here.

Grounding her does not help, she's like " oh well". I even grounded her from her friend, and she told me that i can't do that.

 

How can i get it through to her that it hurts me when she has no respect for me. It feels that she is controlling my life. I am the mother not her.

 

Some advice on how you would or have handled a situation like this would be greatly appreciated.

[Sarah12385]

*hug* i am so sorry you are going thru this.

 

i am 20 years old, AND an only child. i was the SAME WAY when i was 13. it's a PHASE, believe me.

 

i look back now and feel absolutely horrible for talking to/treating my mom the way i did, but you know what, honestly - you have to be stirct with her. you can't let your daughter take hold of you that way. my mom let me do that for a while, but when she got fed up she REALLY put her foot down. i was pissed about it, slammed some doors, stomped around the house, but i got over it. your daughter will too. you are her mother, not saying you can't be a friend AND mother, but mother comes first. 8th grade....ahh, lol what a time. your daughter is most likely at the "i'm right and everyone else is wrong" phase. i know i was at that age along w/many other girls. it's rough lol.

 

let her mope around for a while, she'll lighten up, trust me. you gotta give her attitude back, don't let her talk to you like that, and try not to feel mean when telling her your rules. if she can't do something as simple as asking you to go to her friend's house, then don't let her go. call the friend's mother if u have to and inform her of the situation. if she has homework to do, make sure she shows it to you or SOMETHING before she leaves the house. you are putting the roof over HER body, it's not the other way around. time to switch into army commando mode hehe

i'm sure things will shape up, good luck!

 

~Sarah~

[Matilda]

You are letting your 13 year old daughter tell you what to do. You have got to step up and be her parent. Yes, you most certainly can tell her she can't see her friend, and that's exactly what I would do. Seeing her friend is a privelege, that she can receive if she does what she is supposed to do, and behaves how she is supposed to behave.

 

If she were my daughter, there would be no more friend's house or anything else until she brings her grades up. School is her job right now, and it comes first.

 

Do you know how much supervision there is at the friend's house? I would be very concerned that she is doing things over there that she knows she wouldn't be able to do at home.

 

Finally, never, never, never, give in to the attitude. You're going to have make some rules and stick by them.

 

Oh, one more thing, she does not need to understand that it hurts you when she does not respect you. She just needs to respect you, whether she understands or likes it.

[happily_divorseing]

Thank You guy's so much, for the replies.

 

 

It just seem so much easier to let her do what she wants, and not have to fight with her. I tell myself every time i have to stick to it, i have even thought about picking her everyday from school. But it's not that easy, when i dont want to be a bad mom.

 

 

She has been through alot this past year, so i think that has something to do with it.

 

 

The thing about what she is doin there at her friends house, I am not really sure. She always has excuses for why she is there,( homework, etc...). Well the other day i went and picked her up. There was 2 boys there. She did tell me that her friends mom's boyfriend was there. I am tring so hard to trust her, and not to jump to conclusions.

 

 

 

I just hope the "PHASE" goes away soon, or i may end up losing it.

 

 

Tell me this do you think i should move her to a different school, she would be very upset with me if i did that. But i may have to.

[Sarah12385]

i personally don't see a need to put her into another school, i just think she needs more discipline. repremanding her isn't bein a bad mom, it's doing your job. she's 13, she needs guidance. don't let her slip onto the wrong path.

 

i'd be concerned that she was/is doing drugs, and if there are boys over there most of the time, even sex. it's a shame to say but there are so many more girls getting pregnant at younger ages than there was when i was in 8th grade. it was a HUGE deal if a senior in high school got pregnant, now it's like....these middle school/early high scool girls becoming pregnant.

 

you say she's been through alot? do you mean divorce, death of a loved one? if so, then a lot of her behavoir may be her way of dealing with it. on the other hand, maybe her being w/her friend so much gives her some peace of mind *shrug*.

 

you know what, maybe just sit down with her, and have a talk. maybe go grab something to eat somewhere to talk or just at home. let her know you're genuinely concerned about her and you feel that she's shutting you out, but make sure she's aware that she doesn't make the rules - YOU DO. just take it one step at a time. can't expect an over night miracle ya know?

 

check this webpage out -----> http://www.familyeducation.com/article/0%2C1120%2C1-9740%2C00.html

has some great advice

 

 

~Sarah~

[hooghie]

Originally posted by happily_divorseing

 

It just seem so much easier to let her do what she wants, and not have to fight with her. I tell myself every time i have to stick to it, i have even thought about picking her everyday from school. But it's not that easy, when i dont want to be a bad mom.

 

 

Tell me this do you think i should move her to a different school, she would be very upset with me if i did that. But i may have to.

 

 

It IS easier to let her do what she wants- it's much harder not to, but that is what you need to do. Remember, YOU are the parent, SHE is the child. You are NOT a bad mom by setting and implementing rules, you are a great mom. A bad mother is one who doesn't care enough to be firm.

My mom and I fought a lot when I was growing up- she was very strict, but now I know how hard it was for her and that if it weren't for her being that way- I wouldn't have the education I have and would have probably gotten into a lot more trouble and gone down a bad path like some of my friends who never recovered.

 

I don't think the solution is putting her into a different school. She is in a sensitive age, has her friends, activities, etc. and that type of change could REALLY upset her and could make her lash out at you much worse than now.

 

You mention that she is an angel when she is home. maybe you can find some time to talk to her about this stuff. If she disobeys by calling you and telling you what she is doing instead of the other way around, ground her or take away privilages.

 

she will appreciate your kindness and care in the long run. good luck

[happily_divorseing]

I really appreciate the advice.

 

That website was great sarah. Thank You.

 

October of 2003, i found out her father was sexually abuseing her. So that and him being in prison, than me divorse him. She always keep her feeling inside, to where she could not exspess herself, now she does it, cuz she was afraid of her father. I dont want her to be afraid of me.

I am going to have that mother daughter talk with her. She need me and i need her.

 

 

 

 

You guys are great, Thanks again

[Matilda]

Have you and your daughter been in counseling?

[happily_divorseing]

Yes matilda we have had counseling together, but her counseler thinks she just needs it now.

Her counseler said that we have a good relationship while we are there. But it like that when she is home, it's when she is there that she gives me the problem.

 

Well i did sit down with her and talk to her about this. And i thought i was getting somewhere. But tonight was really bad, again she went over there without asking. I told her i would pick her up at a certain time. When i got there, i spent a half an hour telling her no, that she can't spend the night. It's a school night, i did let her do it before. So i thought to myself NO.... I am the mom, i have to put my foot down (that was hard to do). i attempted to get out of my truck to go get her and her things, she said no i'll get my stuff, and while she was stomping up the stairs, she said " Thats why i f'in hate you". I could not believe she said that.

 

 

So for her not comeing home, and disobeying me, and swearing at me, she is grounded for the weekend, no phone, no freinds, no pc.

 

I really dont know why she hates me so much. I never knew being a single parent of 3, would be so hard.

[Matilda]

Honey, she doesn't hate you. All kids say that, or at least think it. You just have to remember that you are the Mom, and you are doing what's best for her. She doesn't understand that, and that's okay. She just understands that she wants to be with her friend and you won't let her.

 

Don't let any feelings of guilt you may have over the abuse situation, make you let her get away with things she shouldn't. You're doing the right thing, good for you.

[Bubbles]

May I suggest that while she is at home "grounded" you might get her to do some things around the house with you?

 

Why don't you ask HER to re-sort out the family photo albums? Possibly that could be something that the two of you could do together. You never know...it might lead to some great conversation. How about doing some "scrap booking" together? I find that crafts with my children is a great way to open up the line of conversation and it allows you to spend quality time with your children.

 

Whenever I want to have a talk with my kids I find something that we can do together rather than giving them the "I need to talk to you about something" I found that always puts them "on guard"

 

It is a phase that she is going through.....she is at an awfully awkward age she is at......she really does'nt know where she belongs.

 

You be a good Mom and show her where she belongs! You let her know that you love her unconditionally and that - that will never change.

 

Good Luck

bubbles

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by happily_divorseing

I even grounded her from her friend, and she told me that i can't do that.

 

I am the mother not her.

 

So, she doesn't like to come home. Does any teen like anything? She shouldn't be the one making the decisions. YOU are responsible for HER until she's 18. Any trouble she would get into would be on your hands.

[Stylin22]

Sounds like she is mad or worried about something and in certain environments, she appeases the audience. I work with at-risk teenagers and I deal with this all the time. You need to be firm and you NEED TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Kids don't fully understand the world and how it works, you need to show them through discipline and modeling. They respond to structure. Think of it like setting the rules so that they can play the game.

 

But back to the thing. Ask her if she is upset with you and ACCEPT her answer. Validate feelings she has and let her have them. Then ask her why she won't let you be a mom to her. Then, here is your opening to demonstrate to her all of the ways that she is disrespecting you. You need to create an environment where she can talk to you freely and without consequence. You have to respect her as well and not try to be critical of her or judgemental. All you can do with her is offer her your perspective, but you have to do it in a manner that doesn't undermine your position as the parent.

 

I tell my Staff all the time cause we worry about professional boundries and crossing that line. And alot of parents don't get this part...You can't control a kid, they have the option to walk out and never come back at any second of the day. The best we can do is help them make better decisions. You do that through communication and modeling. But neither of those work without respect. Offer to respect her world first and you'll be able to gain way more ground...And from there, the doors are wide open.

 

A tip: when talking ask her why she is making choices or "choosing to do this and that". Framing it like that demonstrates personal choice and responsibility and that she is in control of her actions.