Need Help

[cantletgo]

Help! I can't seem to let go! I have been with my husband for 14 years and married for 7. We have a 20 month old son. To my knowledge, we had a great marriage. We were enjoying life, new house, both had great jobs, wonderful friends and family, etc. We did have a young baby so we were going through some changes and struggles finding time for "us". You would think this was normal and that you would both have the committment to make it through! He never spoke of any unhappiness. Seriously, out of the blue, I found out he was seeing an 18 year old girl (16 years younger than us). What!! I was shocked! I never had any reason in the past not to trust him. He swore that he would stop seeing her. He wanted to work things out, blah, blah. For the next 6 weeks, I checked on him every minute and thought things were going well. We started getting a sitter more, going on dates, doing nice things for each other again and he kept reassuring me that it was great. Needless to say, I found out they were seeing each other again and I kicked him out. He has been living on his own now for about 5 months. He did not want to leave his son, was tormented by it but I guess he was not willing to give her up either. Now, the real shocker, she is now pregnant with his child. This girl is young, very sexually active for her age before him, lives with parents, still in school and is now having his baby. Their relationship is very unstable, they fight constantly. He does not trust her and now has a relationship with a teenager. I just cannot see this working out!

I am just still in shock that he would choose this life over what he had at home. It is like he has completely changed as a person. I look at him and I don't even know him anymore. I am heartbroken. I hurt because I miss him and I hurt that my son will never have his dad at home. He is very involved with our son but it doesn't change the fact that he misses his daddy. They are very close. I am angry at him for leaving me with a life as a single parent and back to struggling, financially. I never wanted this for myself. Right now, I am also angry with myself for still having feelings for him. Why???? Please tell me how do you all get through this!

[Ladyjane14]

{sigh}...I can never understand why a woman would want a man back who had done her so wrong.

 

Remember, you are at NO obligation to give him another chance. That OW is going to be part of his life forever now, as the mother of one of his children.

 

His illicit relationship with her WILL blow up in his face. How could it not? Wherever he goes he takes HIMSELF, along with all of the character flaws that made it possible for him to ruin his relationship with you. Besides, she's only a teenager. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

 

He'll come crawling back one day. You'll be in the driver's seat when it happens. It becomes a matter of what YOU want.

[The Analyzer]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. However I think you did the right thing by kicking him out! Its good if your husband is still involved in your childs life I feel that 2 people can remain civil and be there for their child/children and not be together if things are not working out. You stated that you thought things were good between the two of you, did you not notice any change in him at all before you found out about this other girl? I would imagine being busy with your 20 month old would take up much of your time and is possible that you didn't pay any attention to any signs that may have been there. Looking back now though, do you remember any change? Just curious.

 

As far as this other girl and her being pregant, that is on them now. Your husband made a choice and obviously didn't care about anyone involved but his own feelings. I think you need to concentrate on youself and your child and let your husband and this other girl deal with what they have gotten themselves into. Good luck and once again I'm sorry this happened.

[cantletgo]

To answer your question about seeing a change in him before this happened. No, not even when I think back. I didn't see a change in him until the moment I found out. It was almost instant that I could seen this different person standing in front of me telling me about another person in his life.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by cantletgo

It is like he has completely changed as a person. I look at him and I don't even know him anymore.

 

It was almost instant that I could seen this different person standing in front of me telling me about another person in his life.

 

That feels pretty scary. When you realize that the person that you thought you knew, is not at all who you thought he was.

 

It rocks your foundations a bit. Makes you wonder if you're as good a judge of people as you thought you were.

 

Have you thought about getting some individual counseling (IC) for yourself? Sometimes it really helps to have a sympathetic ear. It helps also to be able to analyze the situation in retrospect.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 they say. It's in hindsight that you can see your own mistakes, or....more importantly, you can see the parts in which you were guiltless.

 

Betrayed spouses tend to take on alot of guilt, wondering what they did wrong to cause their mate to do such a damaging thing. The question of why can be all-consuming.

 

 

 

p.s. I gave you a couple of web-addresses which were moderated out of my earlier post. I'm not sure why. I've seen those links posted many times, and posted them myself many times without being edited.

 

At any rate, just because I don't understand why you might want your husband back under these circumstances, doesn't mean that I don't respect that you might.

 

If you do, I would suggest that you do some research into the marital relationship. There is quite a bit of information to be had on-line, as well as many books on the subject. (Although now, I'm afraid to mention any names. )

 

I'm sorry if my earlier post is now perceived as unsympathetic. It wasn't intended to be.