ThursdayChild Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Hi everyone, I'd like to know your opinion on this. Last year my brother's new wife (I do not know her well and only see her at larger family functions) sent me a private letter expressing that an action of mine (it's too long of a story as to what it was and is irrelevant anyhow) really hurt her feelings and made her feel bad and not welcome into the family and that she would like to get to know me better but feels there is tension and would like to clear it up if so. Well I felt my actions were completely fine and told her so and I told her that she is making up excuses not to participate more in coming to my home with my brother/her husband. I did not apologize and she did not respond. My brother completely agreed with his wife's point of view and said my response was mean. I have seen her a few times since at large family events and while she is always polite she definitely just says hello and then keeps a distance entirely. My brother has also contacted me less and even though they don't keep me from their daughter as I also see her at family functions...by default I see less of her like for example I am not invited to her first birthday party. Honestly...was I wrong? I just didn't think I should apologize when I didn't do anything wrong. Please challenge me if you think I was wrong I'd like your opinions. And should I bite the bullet and apologize even now? What might happen if I just let it go? I have moved on but seems she hasn't and I'd like to know what you all think please and thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 It's impossibe to give you an opinion without knowing what she is accusing you of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 To make a long story short she essentially felt like I speak rudely to her, ignore her when she tries to talk, make plans with others in front of her and thought I disliked her. She asked if she did something to upset me and if there was something she could do to make things less akward and uncomfortable which is how she said she often feels around me Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Whatever you did or didn't do, she said in this letter, she'd like to get to know you better in order to sort this stuff out, right? And your reply ignored (and by defult kind of rejected that), right? So then from brothers point of view heres his wife saying I felt there was tension, I wanted to sort it, get to know her, make an effort with your family but your sister wont put any effort in? You'd of been better off saying something like: I didn't feel I did blah blah blah, I certainly didn't mean to and if you perceived it that way i'm sorry (you get away without apologising for something unjust ). I would totally love to sort this out and to get to know you better maybe we could do xyz. You didn't even have to do it, just offer. But hey, whats done it done, that's the past so what do you do now? The way I see it: You leave things as they are, option 1, or option 2, take a gulp on your pride, make the first move and tell them you feel there might be some left over tension and you'd love for them to come xyz on 123. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 So your own brother isn't speaking to you as much, his new wife (your sister in law) doesn't interact with you, any potential children they have likely won't be a part of your life, but you can't swallow your pride enough to merely ask her to better explain the situation??? You can be happy, or you can be "right". Which is more important? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Thanks everyone I appreciate it. I did tell her in response that I am very busy at family events and just don't have time to socialize, I guess that's why when she said those things I didn't see a need to apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Thanks everyone I appreciate it. I did tell her in response that I am very busy at family events and just don't have time to socialize, I guess that's why when she said those things I didn't see a need to apologize. Perhaps this is why you weren't invited to your nieces birthday party. They probably think you haven't the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 When you tell someone you do not have time to socialize with them yet make plans with others in front of her...a logical conclusion would be to stay away from you in my honest opinion. You say she is making excuses to not visit you at your house...but why would someone want to visit you whom you don't have time for? Maybe it isn't your intention but that is very confusing, and I would personally apologize and make exclusive plans with her if you care about salvaging a relationship with her or your brother. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Yeah - you were rude... She said she felt badly about something you said and you shut her down. She reached out to try and fix a situation that was obviously difficult for her and you shut her down. You felt you did nothing wrong, but from her perspective, she is hurt and trying to repair a situation but you aren't even willing to meet her half way. Yeah - I think you were wrong. And Rude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 You don't have a career in diplomacy ahead of you. If you were certain you were in the right but she still privately expressed to you her displeasure & unease, the most tactful response would have been along the lines of I'm so sorry that you got your feelings hurt & felt excluded. That was never my intention. I would like to get to know you better too. Would you like to meet on [day / time] at [in the middle] to [do something, lunch, shop etc.]? In saying that you are acknowledging her feelings but not retracting your own conduct. then again, how can you not have time to socialize at family functions? that is what they are for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Thank you everyone for your responses Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 then again, how can you not have time to socialize at family functions? that is what they are for. Well I just told her that I am too busy with my children at family functions to pay attention to her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I'm sorry but that sounds rude as well. Do you not like her? Is there some jealousy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 I'm sorry but that sounds rude as well. Do you not like her? I don't know her well but I like her fine and told her that when she said it seems like I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I'm on the other side of your story so maybe I can help you. I also have a sister in law with whom I don't get along well, it's not that something particular has happened rather than it's made clear from the get go that we didn't like each other so we both keep our distances. We only meet at family gatherings as well. I just want to assure you that if your SIL would really want to, she would fix the relationship with you, she would do everything possible to fix it. With the letter she showed she was interested in fixing in only to the extend that your brother couldn't accuse her of not trying. If I was really 100% ready to fix my relationship with my SIL I' would not send a letter (are we in 1950 or something? ), I'd tell her to meet me for coffee and talk straightly with her and show her in action that I want to make this better and be her friend. But I don't want to, so I just "enjoy" her being far away and distant, without saying this to my fiance of course. So don't feel guilty. It seems she doesn't care about your relationship anyway. If you want to be close to your brother, it's you who should make an effort. She is just a stranger to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Thanks for your response but I don't not get along with her or dislike her. I don't really know her. My brother found out because I told him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) I don't want to, so I just "enjoy" her being far away and distant, without saying this to my fiance of course. It sounds like you enjoy not getting along with her. That is not my case. I am just confused as to why or if I should apologize- if I did something wrong and would like to know what to do if so. Edited March 11, 2014 by ThursdayChild Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I'm on the other side of your story so maybe I can help you. I also have a sister in law with whom I don't get along well, it's not that something particular has happened rather than it's made clear from the get go that we didn't like each other so we both keep our distances. We only meet at family gatherings as well. I just want to assure you that if your SIL would really want to, she would fix the relationship with you, she would do everything possible to fix it. With the letter she showed she was interested in fixing in only to the extend that your brother couldn't accuse her of not trying. If I was really 100% ready to fix my relationship with my SIL I' would not send a letter (are we in 1950 or something? ), I'd tell her to meet me for coffee and talk straightly with her and show her in action that I want to make this better and be her friend. But I don't want to, so I just "enjoy" her being far away and distant, without saying this to my fiance of course. So don't feel guilty. It seems she doesn't care about your relationship anyway. If you want to be close to your brother, it's you who should make an effort. She is just a stranger to you. Wow no offense but I can see why you don't get along with your SIL! OP didn't say what you're saying though. And totally disagree that she is a "stranger" and OP only has to worry about getting along with her brother. They are a package deal now and that involves his wife and children. As the mother of OP's nieces/nephews, this attitude would probably be very fruitless and a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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