AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Has it ever come down to you telling your MM or MW to make a choice? What choice did they make? Or have they asked you to make a choice? My MM is back with his family after staying here for a week when my husband was away. We did not cross any lines while he was here, save for a hug or two and him telling me he loved me.. We did not get physical and we didn't talk about us except for the first day. My husband was home from Saturday until Tuesday and then left again for two weeks. I always get a little depressed when my husbands stays are so short. I miss him when he's gone. OM knows that and asked if I wanted company last night.. My kids were at their grandmothers, So he came over. He was here for about 3 hours where if anyone was a fly on the wall they would just see two friends hanging out visiting. There was not even any sexual tension because I really thought we were pausing the affair.. He's been saying they were going to start marital counselling but they haven't! Then he tells me if there was no kids involved it wouldn't even be a question between me and his wife. He says, I choose you.. Would you choose me over your husband? I say yes of course. But there IS kids. We talked about this in the very beginning but haven't really again since. Then he says he's accepted his marriage for what it is, but that we should be together when the kids are grown. He tells me he's scared that if either of us get divorced we'll lose each other along the way. If we can keep a balance for now we can end up together. I did tell him I can't agree to that. It seems like holding our spouses hostage. He disagrees saying right now, our spouses are the ones who are happy in their marriages and they don't even care about fixing what we have asked them to fix. We then started drinking and of course it got more and more intense and he asked me to tell him I love him too, I did.. We BOTH end up crying.. Have sex, and his wife starts calling around 2am demanding he get home. (She knew where he was but assumed two of our other friends were with us too) Before he left, in my drunken state I did ask if he would choose me now.. Before the kids were grown. He said he wishes he could, and left. Today I feel a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 If YOU feel a mess, imagine how his wife and your husband feel. Or the kids will feel when they find out. Doesn't seem like you two are doing anyone any favors by staying with your spouses. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 If YOU feel a mess, imagine how his wife and your husband feel. Or the kids will feel when they find out. Doesn't seem like you two are doing anyone any favors by staying with your spouses. Might not seem like it but you are not seeing or hearing their opinions on the matter. I am someone who thinks there are worse things than cheating. Doesn't give me the right to do what I'm doing but I am not an all around bad person. His wife, other then being pissed he stayed out so late last night thinks they have a great marriage, their problems and why he wanted to go to martial counselling is because they have no sex life. My husband is happy. Just finished telling me this weekend he's the happiest he's ever been. He loves the situation he's got going on, but I'm lonely. What we are doing is wrong, no way around that but it's so silly to me that people assume our spouses are model citizens and have nothing to do with our problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 My ex mw was ok with waiting years and years as well. I was not- so when my internal timeline hits its expiration I simply moved on. Never tried to force her hand as it would have been a waste of time. At the rate she was going we might have been together in the nursing home-maybe. There is no future relationship, only the past and present. In 15 yrs he might extend it another 15- good luck with that! Anyone contemplating a llong term wait like that needs to take a step back and realize what kind of gamble that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm married too. And my husband is not perfect at all. But when we made our vows, we meant them. And therefore we are bound together and have to work on our issues together, as a team. You say your spouses see nothing wrong with the relationships they have. Wouldn't their opinions change if they knew the truth?? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 To be clear, I still love my husband. I am not sure what's going to happen yet with us but I do love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm married too. And my husband is not perfect at all. But when we made our vows, we meant them. And therefore we are bound together and have to work on our issues together, as a team. You say your spouses see nothing wrong with the relationships they have. Wouldn't their opinions change if they knew the truth?? Yes I'm sure their opinions would change if they knew the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I did tell him I can't agree to that. It seems like holding our spouses hostage. He disagrees saying right now, our spouses are the ones who are happy in their marriages and they don't even care about fixing what we have asked them to fix. That's because your spouses aren't aware of the full truth. They're being held hostage by the lie that you love them enough to be faithful to them. That while there may be issues in the marriage, clearly those issues aren't as significant to them as they are to you. They remain married based on the belief that both of you are holding to a monogamous relationship. Would they still be the happy ones if you gifted them with the full awareness and knowledge of ALL that's transpiring in their marriage? Before he left, in my drunken state I did ask if he would choose me now.. Before the kids were grown. He said he wishes he could, and left. Today I feel a mess. The bottom line is...does it really MATTER if the two of you would choose differently if your lives were different? If you're not willing to do things differently NOW...what does it matter? "What ifs" in this kind of situation just create more confusion...they don't change anything. My suggestion would be to create the change you want in your own situation. If you and OM think you should be together...take steps to make it happen. IF you feel you shouldn't...take steps to make THAT happen. Remaining in the situation you're in should be unacceptable. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Might not seem like it but you are not seeing or hearing their opinions on the matter. I am someone who thinks there are worse things than cheating. Doesn't give me the right to do what I'm doing but I am not an all around bad person. His wife, other then being pissed he stayed out so late last night thinks they have a great marriage, their problems and why he wanted to go to martial counselling is because they have no sex life. My husband is happy. Just finished telling me this weekend he's the happiest he's ever been. He loves the situation he's got going on, but I'm lonely. What we are doing is wrong, no way around that but it's so silly to me that people assume our spouses are model citizens and have nothing to do with our problems. What would be their opinions if they knew the full truth? How might that change things? Might that not be a good catalyst for change of some kind? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 What would be their opinions if they knew the full truth? How might that change things? Might that not be a good catalyst for change of some kind? If they knew we were having an affair? Of course that would change things! However talking to them for years about the issues has not changed anything. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I understand the mental mess. I couldn't imagine living it for another fifteen years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 How does his wife think they have a great life if he just spent a week crashing in your basement? Something doesn't jive here. The guy moves out, a mutual decision between he and his wife to "work on their marriage", and not a week later he's spending the night hanging out with you? I understand the BS's are responsible for some of the issues within the marriage, but it doesn't appear that he's very invested in the work. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 If they knew we were having an affair? Of course that would change things! However talking to them for years about the issues has not changed anything. That's sad. It seems the four of you have trouble communicating to your respective spouses. I'd rather know the truth, than live a lie. Only when everything is in the open can everyone move forward. Whether that means divorce or reconciliation. If you resent your partners for not being willing to address and change the issues present in your marriages, then how can you excuse your behavior? Maybe you can start things off in terms of truthfulness and willingness to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 How does his wife think they have a great life if he just spent a week crashing in your basement? Something doesn't jive here. The guy moves out, a mutual decision between he and his wife to "work on their marriage", and not a week later he's spending the night hanging out with you? I understand the BS's are responsible for some of the issues within the marriage, but it doesn't appear that he's very invested in the work. Exactly!! It's not her who wanted to work on the marriage or get counselling, it was him. She does not see anything wrong with having no sex or affection in their relationship, she says she reserves her energy for their kids.. However to me it doesn't make a lot of sense, I have twice they kids she does, I still have energy to show love and affection elsewhere. She is ok them having separate friends and hobbies and she thinks he needs to just get over the fact that she doesn't want sex.. She had offered him a planned night once a month. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 To be clear, I still love my husband. I am not sure what's going to happen yet with us but I do love him. But your actions do not show this. Your husband goes away for work and your MM comes over and you two have sex. His wife calls upset and wants him home since it's 2am. WTF. Come on, you two are asking to be caught. Him not going to counseling but his wife wants to, he's gas lighting her and playing a game here. You can't see this though. Future talk of the what if's and deep down he knows (and you too) that it's never gonna amount to you two ending up together. Kids or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Him not going to counseling but his wife wants to, he's gas lighting her and playing a game here. You can't see this though. Future talk of the what if's and deep down he knows (and you too) that it's never gonna amount to you two ending up together. Kids or not. He wants counselling. Not her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 He wants counselling. Not her. Well it's really pointless to go to counseling since he is having an A with you. He is NOT invested in fixing his marriage and focusing only on his wife. I don't understand his mindset to try to go to MC with her the midst of an affair. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Exactly!! It's not her who wanted to work on the marriage or get counselling, it was him. I meant something doesn't jive with either his or your story. I know you speak with the WW and know a lot about their life. (Honestly, he should just get out, because I can't imagine it's healthy for kids to see their parents not being affectionate towards each other, an excuse it doesn't appear you and your BH have.) But if he's the one who wants to supposedly fix things, why would he just up and leave his home to hang out with you until 2AM so soon after this "separation"? Also, I'd stop having sex in your house. I can imagine various changes your husband would want to make after he finds out about the A, and the first may be to the OM's face. Especially after he welcomed the guy into your home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 He wants counselling. Not her. Fine. Tell him to tell his wife that he's been having an affair with you. Bet she wants counseling then. Or, she ends their marriage. Either of which is a step towards resolving the situation one way or another, right? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Well it's really pointless to go to counseling since he is having an A with you. He is NOT invested in fixing his marriage and focusing only on his wife. I don't understand his mindset to try to go to MC with her the midst of an affair. This does beg the question...why would he want counseling if he's not totally willing to be completely honest with her??? Be careful what you ask for...you may get it! If he wants counseling...is he willing to tell her the truth about their marriage, and about your affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I am someone who thinks there are worse things than cheating Never met a cheater who didn't say this. The person being betrayed is the only person's opinion that should matter when it comes to determining whether cheating and lying is the worst thing you could have done to him. If cheating is not so bad and you believe that he will see you as a good person, why not tell him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Before he left, in my drunken state I did ask if he would choose me now.. Before the kids were grown. He said he wishes he could, and left. Of course you're a mess, I totally understand. He essentially said, "no". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Before he left, in my drunken state I did ask if he would choose me now.. Before the kids were grown. He said he wishes he could, and left. Today I feel a mess. This got me to thinking.... What's the answer to this question from your side of the equation? You have kids, and a husband. You have a choice...today, right this moment. Would you choose OM, or the life you have...as it stands today? Would you give up what you have today to be with OM? Is your answer different from the one he gave you? If not...why be hurt by that? If so...why aren't you taking action to free yourself up to be with him already? Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Your husband travels a lot. Is gone from home. And he's the happiest he's ever been? How do you know he's not having an A, too? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 As a former M-OM, I understand your pain, and hope that you recover from this heartbreak. Anyway, some good for thought: Q1) If he can lie, deceive and fool his wife, is there any chance he might lie, deceive and fool you? Q2) So he chose his family over you, while you decided to chose him over your family. No unusual, especially if you read a few threads here. Q3) as for your H, what are your future plans? Continue deceiving him or confess? Work on your marriage or try to pass 15 years? Link to post Share on other sites
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