Snipercatt Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 He wants counselling. Not her. No he doesn't. His actions defy that excuse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 This got me to thinking.... What's the answer to this question from your side of the equation? You have kids, and a husband. You have a choice...today, right this moment. Would you choose OM, or the life you have...as it stands today? Would you give up what you have today to be with OM? Is your answer different from the one he gave you? If not...why be hurt by that? If so...why aren't you taking action to free yourself up to be with him already? I think both of us were just in a vulnerable state and we were just trying to see how each other felt, we have never talked about divorce or leaving we have always maintained we were staying in our marriages. Until the last couple weeks I did not know how much he was really considering leaving her. I'm well aware much of this was just talk. Just trying to figure out what we both want. I'm not expecting much to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm not expecting much to change. I think you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Your husband travels a lot. Is gone from home. And he's the happiest he's ever been? How do you know he's not having an A, too? He's happy he has his family waiting for him at home. I've talked about him cheating before.. I have no proof but I've definitely felt more than once that he has cheated but I don't think it would be an emotional affair .. I've had a feeling escorts maybe? But I don't have proof and have never dug for it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 He's happy he has his family waiting for him at home. I've talked about him cheating before.. I have no proof but I've definitely felt more than once that he has cheated but I don't think it would be an emotional affair .. I've had a feeling escorts maybe? But I don't have proof and have never dug for it. So you suspect him..Chances are, he suspects you. All he has to do is hire a PI to follow you or ask a trusted neighbour to see who's coming in the house while he's away. If you have nosy neighbours, then chances are they know a man comes to your house and stays very late. AM, I know I keep saying this, as do others, but your situation has the potential makings of a crime scene if and when your H and his W find out about the affair. All hell will let loose, much much worse than you could ever imagine. You and MM can 'future fake' and talk about the what if's/hopes and dreams all you want but nothing has changed and it won't change until you two are caught. Neither of you are ending the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 I didn't ask him if he would choose me now because I was willing to immediatly leave my marriage if he had said yes.. I asked him only wondering what he thought. It was him who said he would choose me to begin with and asked if I felt the same. I do feel like I would pick him over my husband if we didn't have kids.. Or if we had met first. I do not know what I want right now in this moment and I did not ask him to choose me over his wife. I just asked if he would now, instead of 'when the kids are grown' like he had first said. It's almost like neither me or him has ever really really considered leaving now. Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 A player once told me the easiest way to get a woman to have sex with him is to show some long term interest in her, it doesn't even have to be any promise, just some elusive talk about the future. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Your husband travels a lot. Is gone from home. And he's the happiest he's ever been? How do you know he's not having an A, too? I've talked about that before. Yes of course I think that's possible but I don't have proof and don't intend to go looking for it. Knowing my husband it would be sexual and not emotional, I've talked about that before. I've said I know Id be more hurt to learn he was having an emotional affair rather than just sexual. I tried hard in the beginning to keep emotion out of my own affair largely because I felt that way. And I do see the hypocrisy in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 A player once told me the easiest way to get a woman to have sex with him is to show some long term interest in her, it doesn't even have to be any promise, just some elusive talk about the future. Good tactic. I don't think that's what's happening here, he knows I'm available to him with or without any promises. Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Good tactic. I don't think that's what's happening here, he knows I'm available to him with or without any promises. I see. If you don't care about his promises and whether or not you will have a future with this men, there is no need for you to be total mess then. Just enjoy the side cake and work hard to keep it in the dark. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Do you think he went back to his wife because of you? He's not getting his needs met by his wife so he turns to you instead. I'm willing to bet if you ended the affair, he probably would divorce his wife. Affairs help crappy marriages remain crappy. Why work on something when you don't have to, right? During my A, I didn't care to work on my M because I had someone on the side to fulfill my emotional and physical needs. After my D Day, my H asked why I couldn't talk to him the way I did with my MM. Honestly, I just didn't want to. When my H and I discussed our real life problems, we'd fight and I'd get stressed out. With my MM, we don't have any bills or real life problems to deal with so it was all roses and rainbows talking to him. Yeah, escapism at it's finest! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I see. If you don't care about his promises and whether or not you will have a future with this men, there is no need for you to be total mess then. Just enjoy the side cake and work hard to keep it in the dark. What's the point in having an affair if you have no intentions of being with the AP? It's something I always asked myself during my A. Except, I was pretty convinced I was headed for divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Do you think he went back to his wife because of you? He's not getting his needs met by his wife so he turns to you instead. I'm willing to bet if you ended the affair, he probably would divorce his wife. Or move on to the next woman willing to sleep with him with some elusive talk of future. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 What is the point in having discussions that are not reality? You didn't meet OM before your husband and you both have kids. So why all the emotional energy spent on what you WOULD do if those two things didn't exist? And isn't it easy to say...ooh. ....if only? Of course you both can agree, as neither of you have to prove it...as it DOESNT EXIST. Do you believe one persons needs trumps another? Being that you have a horse in this race, do you think that your view of his wife just might be skewed....to help with justifying? Can you look from the outside? How exactly is a person working on their marriage while they are in an affair? How is Grandma gonna feel, when she finds out that she took care of the kids so you could hook up? Do you feel anything about the position you put her in? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Ego kibbles...validation...she wants to know she us his #1...that's why she has pointless conversations about hopeless situations...it might be true...it might not..they'll never know because both are so wrapped up in fantasy and lies and deception I truly think they are losing their hold on reality. Good luck with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Then he tells me if there was no kids involved it wouldn't even be a question between me and his wife. He says, I choose you.. Would you choose me over your husband? I say yes of course. But there IS kids. We talked about this in the very beginning but haven't really again since. Then he says he's accepted his marriage for what it is, but that we should be together when the kids are grown. He tells me he's scared that if either of us get divorced we'll lose each other along the way. If we can keep a balance for now we can end up together. I did tell him I can't agree to that. It seems like holding our spouses hostage. I'm hesitant to reply, because I know how hard people are being on you. But, honestly, I get what you're saying. My xAP and I had similar conversations at the very start of our affair. We knew that we wouldn't be able to be together right now (kids, distance), but he kept asking me to "save old age for him", that type of thing (this was in very very early days of the affair, before we had met up again in person). I had the same reaction as you: no f'ing way. The thought of living a sham marriage for 16 years sounded awful -- it sounded awful for me, it sounded like a truly heinous thing to do to our spouses, it just sounded totally unlivable. As the A was ending (for exactly the reasons it was all deemed impossible from the start), I found myself going back to those conversations and thinking that hey, maybe I could do it after all. But I can't, and I doubt anyone really could live like that. I found myself totally breaking down after just a few months of living that dichotomous life; it would have been totally unsustainable for much longer, let alone another 15 or 16 years. Sure, it's easy to say that there's no point in having these "what if" or "if only" type of conversations, but it's all part of this desperate bargaining that we do sometimes in situations like this. I want something so badly, and I can't have it, and so I find myself considering options that I know are completely unrealistic. I'm sorry you're hurting today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm not really sure what the point of all the attack-ish posts toward you are OP, but I just wanted to tell you that I know you are in a difficult position. My guy was in a situation similar to your guy and it was tough on him. We said the same things at the very beginning of our A. In fact, he sent me a card that said on the front "I don't have to be your first love" and when you opened it it said "I just want to be your last". We struggled in the beginning. It's never easy. I hope you find a little peace and calm. Feel better. Whatever happens will happen, but I just hope that for today, you feel a little more at ease. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Might not seem like it but you are not seeing or hearing their opinions on the matter. I am someone who thinks there are worse things than cheating. Doesn't give me the right to do what I'm doing but I am not an all around bad person. His wife, other then being pissed he stayed out so late last night thinks they have a great marriage, their problems and why he wanted to go to martial counselling is because they have no sex life. My husband is happy. Just finished telling me this weekend he's the happiest he's ever been. He loves the situation he's got going on, but I'm lonely. What we are doing is wrong, no way around that but it's so silly to me that people assume our spouses are model citizens and have nothing to do with our problems. That is probably the BIGGEST load of crap I've seen on this site. YOU are responsible for the affair, don't make out your spouses faults justification for your affair. You're doomed until you own it all...hope you figure that out before it all comes crashing down 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Then he says he's accepted his marriage for what it is, but that we should be together when the kids are grown. Haha exactly. That would have been at the very least 15 years for my xMM. I'm single, I can't wait that long. I can see how MOW (especially ones with kids) can wait. I think this is why many MM prefer having affairs with MW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Exactly!! It's not her who wanted to work on the marriage or get counselling, it was him. She does not see anything wrong with having no sex or affection in their relationship, she says she reserves her energy for their kids.. However to me it doesn't make a lot of sense, I have twice they kids she does, I still have energy to show love and affection elsewhere. She is ok them having separate friends and hobbies and she thinks he needs to just get over the fact that she doesn't want sex.. She had offered him a planned night once a month. That is what he tells you. I'd bet she has a different opinion on the matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Yes, have your spouses waste the next 15 years of their lives on a doomed marriage, there is nothing wrong with that. Why not just divorce, live as singles and keep on seeing each other on the sly for 15 years and then come out as couple then. At least that way the spouses don't waste anymore time on a lie. Honestly if you are not in your marriages for the long haul, cut them loose. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Yes, have your spouses waste the next 15 years of their lives on a doomed marriage, there is nothing wrong with that. Why not just divorce, live as singles and keep on seeing each other on the sly for 15 years and then come out as couple then. At least that way the spouses don't waste anymore time on a lie. Honestly if you are not in your marriages for the long haul, cut them loose. I totally agree, but I think the WS doesn't mind living a lie, and they think as long as the BS doesn't find out, then what they don't know won't hurt them. BS will just continue on being happy. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Hahaha! Your title cracks me up. I guess if you are both married the plan is plausible. Even then there are no garuantees because a lot can happen in fifteen years. This I know. I'm with popsicle on this. I'm single and if I was given that choice I would have to definitely say no. Hey, if you happen to run into each other fifteen years from now and are both single then maybe it could work. That's more realistic. Besides, you were both intoxicated, physically and mentally, and got caught up in the "what if" fantasy. I wouldn't take it serious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I can't imagine the flame would last for that many years, as an A. I would think the stress of it all would just wear on them to the point of exhaustion after a few years, let alone 15. And Jesus, what's the point? Wouldn't you want to spend as many of your years together as possible, if you're truly in love? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I totally agree, but I think the WS doesn't mind living a lie, and they think as long as the BS doesn't find out, then what they don't know won't hurt them. BS will just continue on being happy. So selfish of the WS Link to post Share on other sites
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