jellybean89 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 So he left your house at 2 am drunk. Did he drive home? What plausible excuse can any person give their spouse for being at someone's home, drinking, until 2 am? Since you have posted that you live in a small town, you don't think people noticed his car at your home (and no other cars of the 'friends' the wife thinks were there too)? He cried? As in sobbing or a few leaky tears? Why? I never understand the "I wish we had met sooner" stuff...especially from parents...it equates to wishing you never had the kids you have. I find that very sad for the kids -- their biological parent wishes they hadn't been born. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I hope you find a little peace and calm. Feel better. Whatever happens will happen, but I just hope that for today, you feel a little more at ease. Whatever happens will happen???? I don't think Autumn moon can even fathom how horrible a d-day would be. This is not just 2 people who only know each other and the families are strangers,these families are connected on so many levels. I just can't even imagine how devastating this will end. I had a d-day with no intentions of reconciling and i still felt like the lowest POS there was for hurting my SO the way I did 5 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Whatever happens will happen???? I don't think Autumn moon can even fathom how horrible a d-day would be. This is not just 2 people who only know each other and the families are strangers,these families are connected on so many levels. I just can't even imagine how devastating this will end. I had a d-day with no intentions of reconciling and i still felt like the lowest POS there was for hurting my SO the way I did Whatever happens in the future, will happen. For today, take a breath and try to be calm and find a little peace. YES. This is exactly what I mean. I was never MOW, I don't know how horrible it must be to feel these feelings. I just know she is suffering and I feel badly that she is. Unlike many who have taken it upon themselves to post here today. I just hope she is okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 .. Do people here think I actually agreed to just remain married and set my clock to some date in the future where I'll divorced and have a life set up with my AP? Not going to happen. If I stay in my marriage it will be because I love my husband and I will not be planning to just drop him after a certain amount of time. I think OM was in a vulnerable place when he was saying all that.. Can't really be what he would want right? He's saying even if we are unhappy we should stay married until the kids are grown and then plan to be together after that.. Because we could lose each other along the way if one of us divorces sooner. Honestly if I was seriously considering divorce I would do it.. I wouldn't just wait another 15 years. I do love this guy, but I do recognize that this is not a healthy situation at all right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 So he left your house at 2 am drunk. Did he drive home? What plausible excuse can any person give their spouse for being at someone's home, drinking, until 2 am? Since you have posted that you live in a small town, you don't think people noticed his car at your home (and no other cars of the 'friends' the wife thinks were there too)? He cried? As in sobbing or a few leaky tears? Why? I never understand the "I wish we had met sooner" stuff...especially from parents...it equates to wishing you never had the kids you have. I find that very sad for the kids -- their biological parent wishes they hadn't been born. My husband knows he was here too, we have been friends for years and it's never been a worry to anyone. She was upset he was out that late on a weeknight but not about where he was. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Well I certainly hope she's ok too. But I don't think she's really thinking about how this can turn out. There's no good scenerio. Just the title of this tread. I choose you, in fifteen years. This A cant and won't last 15 years, and who would really want it to. Autumn moon and MM are talking about what they want in 15 years. They have not been caught yet, but obviously getting more comfortable in the situation. There will be a slip. The question is not if but when Her husband and his wife will be devastated. Their kids confused. Any mutual friends dumbfounded. This A is involving SO MANY people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 No sobbing.. Just tears... That makes a huge difference? I would never wish my children weren't born. Both of us love our children very much it's not about that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 My husband knows he was here too, we have been friends for years and it's never been a worry to anyone. She was upset he was out that late on a weeknight but not about where he was. You're fooling yourself if you believe this. And all the more reason when your Dday happens, this double betrayal will be an awful fallout. So, his wife thought you were with him and another couple, did you tell your H this too? Or does he know OM was in the house, alone with you late at night and drinking? (And you never answered, did he drive home drunk?) Tears? Really? Is this him telling you this or did you listen into their conversation? I do love this guy, but I do recognize that this is not a healthy situation at all right now Yet you're doing absolutely nothing to change it. In fact , you make it worse by having intimacy in your home with MM while your husband is away, working and providing for the family unit. You said earlier that you would be hurt if your husband was (also) having an affair - There could be a chance he is having an A as well. Maybe he's as good as a liar as you. Sorry that may read harsh but it is what it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Well I certainly hope she's ok too. But I don't think she's really thinking about how this can turn out. There's no good scenerio. Just the title of this tread. I choose you, in fifteen years. This A cant and won't last 15 years, and who would really want it to. Autumn moon and MM are talking about what they want in 15 years. They have not been caught yet, but obviously getting more comfortable in the situation. There will be a slip. The question is not if but when Her husband and his wife will be devastated. Their kids confused. Any mutual friends dumbfounded. This A is involving SO MANY people. And all this takes place in a small town, everybody knows each other. The fallout does affect many and the gossip that will happen after the Dday, boy Autumn, does it make you stop and think? Is what you are doing worth it? You say this situation is unhealthy, but again, you're not doing anything to make it 'healthy'. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 If they knew we were having an affair? Of course that would change things! However talking to them for years about the issues has not changed anything. That is because they are both unaware and therefore unable to address the seriousness of those underlying issues. Neither is conscious of their involvement in an open marriage without their knowledge or consent. You are both complacent and equally so as your respective spouses in the actuality of dealing with your marital situation. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 This guy is more full of cr@p than a campground outhouse. " wants to go to counselling"? Pfffttt...for what? So he an lie to the counsellor and say he loves his wife? Fifty bucks says he'd lie and make it seem as if everything was her fault, he's not cheating and he can't understand what is wrong. how dishonest can a Person get, outright lying and pretending to want to go to counselling to work on his marriage, when the biggest detriment to it is so ending he is hiding? Seems he wants to go to counselling more to assuage his guilt than anything else. What's the damned point in going anyway? As for his idea of you waiting 15 years to be with him, that right there tells you what he really thinks about you, and the drunken tears? What the saying about " by and by a fool"? Alcohol has a way of doing that to people, makes them all weepy and sad over so,etching that really doesn't mater that much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Take a simple step first. Tell him if he's trying to work on his marriage, he can't come over to your house to keep you company while the H you love is away at work. Is that possible? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) You're fooling yourself if you believe this. And all the more reason when your Dday happens, this double betrayal will be an awful fallout. So, his wife thought you were with him and another couple, did you tell your H this too? Or does he know OM was in the house, alone with you late at night and drinking? (And you never answered, did he drive home drunk?) Tears? Really? Is this him telling you this or did you listen into their conversation? Yet you're doing absolutely nothing to change it. In fact , you make it worse by having intimacy in your home with MM while your husband is away, working and providing for the family unit. You said earlier that you would be hurt if your husband was (also) having an affair - There could be a chance he is having an A as well. Maybe he's as good as a liar as you. Sorry that may read harsh but it is what it is. You are either confusing me with someone else or making assumptions based on stereotypes but my husband is not working to provide for the family unit, he's working to "save" for the family unit more likely. I raise our kids and work full time around the clock to provide for our home, food and daily life, I give them the love and affection they need and I work my ass off to keep is going financially. My husband has always worked and lived mostly separate from us because of his job and location being vital in that. I'm not sitting here crying that my husband may he having an affair because sexual openness is something I have asked him about and he flat turned it down. I think rather than advice you are trying to find the buttons to upset me? It's not really working. And the tears.. Those were after we had said I love you and were talking.. To each other, so I didn't have to take his word for it I saw them, I didn't mean he cried with his wife. No he didn't drive home, he lives close but not walking distance in this weather and a friend picked him up. That something you are going to pick apart now? Edited February 28, 2014 by AutumnMoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 This guy is more full of cr@p than a campground outhouse. " wants to go to counselling"? Pfffttt...for what? So he an lie to the counsellor and say he loves his wife? Fifty bucks says he'd lie and make it seem as if everything was her fault, he's not cheating and he can't understand what is wrong. how dishonest can a Person get, outright lying and pretending to want to go to counselling to work on his marriage, when the biggest detriment to it is so ending he is hiding? Seems he wants to go to counselling more to assuage his guilt than anything else. What's the damned point in going anyway? As for his idea of you waiting 15 years to be with him, that right there tells you what he really thinks about you, and the drunken tears? What the saying about " by and by a fool"? Alcohol has a way of doing that to people, makes them all weepy and sad over so,etching that really doesn't mater that much. He didn't cheat on her the years and years before that when she was denying him hugs, kisses and sex . And begged her for counselling then too. And since lack of sex and affection are his main reasons for wanting councilling if day putting some blame in her is totally warranted. Is it all her fault?? Absolutely not, no more so than it's all my husbands fault got out issues but the issues we have all began LONG before the affair. Think whatever you want. But it is laughable to me that people think once someone chests it trumps everything their 'faithful' spouse has done. Completely laughable. We both know we are part of the problem, but do as they.. In out marriage, that's not blaming them for the affair. It's placing Blake for marriage issues on all right shoulders. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 He didn't cheat on her the years and years before that when she was denying him hugs, kisses and sex . And begged her for counselling then too. And since lack of sex and affection are his main reasons for wanting councilling if day putting some blame in her is totally warranted. Is it all her fault?? Absolutely not, no more so than it's all my husbands fault got out issues but the issues we have all began LONG before the affair. Think whatever you want. But it is laughable to me that people think once someone chests it trumps everything their 'faithful' spouse has done. Completely laughable. We both know we are part of the problem, but do as they.. In out marriage, that's not blaming them for the affair. It's placing Blake for marriage issues on all right shoulders. I've said the same thing about my guys ex a million times. Bs's here will downvote you to oblivion. You'll be told no matter what the frigid wife did, it is SO MUCH WORSE to have an affair. They don't understand that if you are lonely, and untouched, craving some sort of human connection, you will find it, and that is partly the fault of the person who was supposed to give it and denied it. They also do not care about the emotional damage the frigid wife inflicted on the guy that needed love and attention, just the emotional damage that was inflicted by the affair. Head in the sand, and sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 The WH has had options far less damaging than an A. He chooses to stay. He's also claiming he wants to work on his M and that he loves his W. Does this not make some of the onus being placed on his BW a little moot? If things are so bad, find a way to leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 So why can't you both divorce your spouses? What did I miss? If honesty is out of the question and neither of you are in your marriages for the long haul why are you both staying? Not saying you have to divorce your spouses and move in to together- I just don't understand why its a good idea to stay in a marriage you are not committed to for the long haul-every year you stay is another year you rob your spouses of a chance at a long, happy relationship with someone (or even alone) that cares for them in an unselfish way- Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Why doesn't everyone who cheats, just get a divorce? There are a lot of twists and turns and things to consider. We love our spouses and have always hoped to make things work. There is lives built, friends, family, careers and kids. I did not ever think I would be in this situation. I didn't plan it, but it was my own choice I know that. I am not at a place where I'm ready to end either relationship but I'm trying to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Why doesn't everyone who cheats, just get a divorce? There are a lot of twists and turns and things to consider. We love our spouses and have always hoped to make things work. There is lives built, friends, family, careers and kids. There are unique situations, though. I'll never understand why people who have A's still pledge their love to their BS's and have no plans of leaving. Just doesn't make sense to me. I am not at a place where I'm ready to end either relationship but I'm trying to figure it out. That's commendable. I think you just need to realize you may have more control over the situation than you think. A lot of these issues can be avoided, IMO. I fear the the most recent chapter of him staying in your house has only made it more complicated for everyone involved, though. You NEED the OM to give you a break, and be straight about this supposed "work" he's doing on his M. He needs to either s**t or get off the pot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 So he wants it all his way, manipulating others despite the pain it will cause then, regardless of the cost to others. This guy is no winner. He is not going to treat you any different even if you become the wife. There will almost certainly be another side dish. He will always view others as tools to make him happy and/or look good. You need to read a lot of other woman threads on LS from those who did wait and see how that turned out for them. And see a counselor. You aren't seeing straight right now. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but YES cheating does trump other marital problems. I used to get upset too when I was in my A. Let's be real here, do you know anyone who's okay with their spouse lying and hiding from them??? I don't know anyone who's okay with that. You can justify it and twist it around all you want, but cheating makes things worse. It's your choice, your life, do what you want. I know you think we're all being harsh on you. In reality we are trying to help you and get you to wake up so you don't lose everything you've worked hard for. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 If this guy has a frigid wife who doesnot give hime the affection and companionship everyone needs, why doesn't he divorce her?? This A has been ongoing for a while now and both the OP and her OM are getting more and more comfortable with it, spending more and more time together. If the OM is serious about saving his M, he would be talking to his wife, not drinking and having sex with the OP at 2 am?! and if she loves her H and wants the best for her 'friend' she would turn down offers to have him over for trysts every time H is away for work, making up all kinds of excuses. Autumn, no one's attacking you, its frustrating when the A fog is so thick, all common sense is thrown out of the window. You will get caught and the consequences will be ugly. Think about your kids and OM'S kids if you can't think of the adults involved in this. What is sooooo special about this man that he is worth risking everything for? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 In this situation time is not your friend. It won't be long before someone else makes the decision for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I've said the same thing about my guys ex a million times. Bs's here will downvote you to oblivion. You'll be told no matter what the frigid wife did, it is SO MUCH WORSE to have an affair. They don't understand that if you are lonely, and untouched, craving some sort of human connection, you will find it, and that is partly the fault of the person who was supposed to give it and denied it. They also do not care about the emotional damage the frigid wife inflicted on the guy that needed love and attention, just the emotional damage that was inflicted by the affair. Head in the sand, and sad. Hang on a minute here, Goodly. The reason BS's here do what they do is because that most of us have seen that the situation you (and the OP) have described typically simply doesn't exist that way that it's been described. Frigid wife inflicting damage? It happens...but it's a lot less common than I think that most OM/OW want to believe. And often the WS is every bit as much to blame for the state of the marriage as the BS...often, even moreso. The same personality traits that tend to let folks choose infidelity as an option to solve or avoid their problems are usually the very same primary factors that caused them to have a crap marriage in the first place...and were outside of the BS's control entirely. The "head in the sand, sad" comment is something that I think may well apply to a whole lot of folks here...not 'just' the BS's that post here. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 agree with each and every word of your post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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