I choose you, let's just wait 15 years

[Owl]

Why doesn't everyone who cheats, just get a divorce?

There are a lot of twists and turns and things to consider. We love our spouses and have always hoped to make things work. There is lives built, friends, family, careers and kids.

 

I did not ever think I would be in this situation. I didn't plan it, but it was my own choice I know that. I am not at a place where I'm ready to end either relationship but I'm trying to figure it out.

 

Great...then what have you actually DONE to try to make things work with your spouse?

 

INSISTED on counseling? Spelled out clear boundaries on what was acceptable in your marriage, and what was not? Made it clear to him that if your needs weren't met, they'd be met by someone else? Gave him the clear choice to either meet those needs, or have you get them met by someone else?

 

What are you doing NOW to try to fix your marriage? Maintaining the affair is just going to make things worse, as I think you've figured out. So...what do you want to do...maintain the affair, or maintain the marriage? The two are polar opposite...doing one destroys the other. Which is it?

[txgrl]

Why doesn't everyone who cheats get a divorce?

 

They don't but then they either stop the A and work on their M OR not stop the A and suffer the damaging consequences. Its a choice that either they make willingly or they'll be forced to , because of dday or other circumstances.

 

I just know that the longer the A, the more the justifications, the less the guilt, the more the eventual damage.

[Snipercatt]

what do you want to do...maintain the affair, or maintain the marriage? The two are polar opposite...doing one destroys the other. Which is it?

 

That really says it all!

[KathyM]

Keeping your respective spouses on the hook and in the dark for the next 15 years while you pine away for your AP is a very unfair thing to do to someone you supposedly care about. Keeping up the pretense and the deception for year after year also must be extremely stressful. I'd suggest starting to live an authentic life and letting your spouse go and giving him a clean break so he can find someone who truly cares for him and about him. He doesn't deserve to be robbed of years of his life with someone who is cheating on him. I would suggest either leaving your husband, or confessing the affair to him and start to live a life you can be proud of. This dishonest double life is not a good place to live in.

[whichwayisup]

Why doesn't everyone who cheats, just get a divorce?

There are a lot of twists and turns and things to consider. We love our spouses and have always hoped to make things work. There is lives built, friends, family, careers and kids.

 

I did not ever think I would be in this situation. I didn't plan it, but it was my own choice I know that. I am not at a place where I'm ready to end either relationship but I'm trying to figure it out.

 

not all divorce obviously but double betrayals are much harder to forgive and work through.

 

Bolded - How do you make your marriage(s) work when you two are having an affair?

[Buckeye2]

I'm not sitting here crying that my husband may he having an affair because sexual openness is something I have asked him about and he flat turned it down.

 

You offered him an open marriage and "he flat turned it down?"

[violet1]

I've said the same thing about my guys ex a million times. Bs's here will downvote you to oblivion. You'll be told no matter what the frigid wife did, it is SO MUCH WORSE to have an affair. They don't understand that if you are lonely, and untouched, craving some sort of human connection, you will find it, and that is partly the fault of the person who was supposed to give it and denied it.

 

They also do not care about the emotional damage the frigid wife inflicted on the guy that needed love and attention, just the emotional damage that was inflicted by the affair.

 

Head in the sand, and sad.

First of all, I'm a WS who got caught. If a man is so lonely and hateful of his frigid wife than he needs to grow a pair and demand marriage counseling or leave. We may not like the choices we have but there are always choices. Cheating is a choice that a WS makes without the BS's knowledge. Having an affair is NEVER the BS fault. How can the BS be blamed if they don't even know it's going on.

[whichwayisup]

You are either confusing me with someone else or making assumptions based on stereotypes but my husband is not working to provide for the family unit, he's working to "save" for the family unit more likely. I raise our kids and work full time around the clock to provide for our home, food and daily life, I give them the love and affection they need and I work my ass off to keep is going financially.

 

My husband has always worked and lived mostly separate from us because of his job and location being vital in that. I'm not sitting here crying that my husband may he having an affair because sexual openness is something I have asked him about and he flat turned it down.

 

I think rather than advice you are trying to find the buttons to upset me? It's not really working.

 

And the tears.. Those were after we had said I love you and were talking.. To each other, so I didn't have to take his word for it I saw them, I didn't mean he cried with his wife.

No he didn't drive home, he lives close but not walking distance in this weather and a friend picked him up. That something you are going to pick apart now?

 

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you said his wife was in tears calling him, not you two crying together. and not crying about your H possibly having an affair as well. The question was asked how you would feel if your H was also having an affair and you said you'd feel hurt but it would be hypocritical too since you're having an A.

 

And no I'm not trying to push your buttons, I am just going on what you've said. Your H being working away - I know you both work, but he is providing as well and contributing to the family unit.

 

I wasn't the only one who was concerned about drinking and driving.

[rumbleseat]

This story is so typical. The ws paints himself as some sort of victim, valiantly staying in a bad marriage for the sake of his kids.

 

If it's so bad, then why subject his kids to it? Why not suck it up, hard as it may be, and leave? I guess it's easier to place that responsibility on his wife. Right now, he's choosing to stay, and that is 100% him.

 

Saying he wants to stay for the sake of the kids? Pffttt...that's like saying you value their well being then putting them in a room and throwing a bomb in it. Especially in this situation, they will be hurt.this isn't just a usual mm/ ow situation. The children are friends, the adults are friends and the ties go really deep. What's going to happen if this whole affair situation gets out?

 

It's all so depressing. The idea that he is willing to risk putting his kids through a terrible situation just so he can get some sex on the side is nasty.

Paint it any way you want, that's what it comes down to.

 

As for the notion that bs will " down vote so ow one into oblivion", why do you think that is? Perhaps if one is willing to listen instead of writing it off, they will see that they are sharing their experience because they don't want to see it happen to someone else.

 

I don't think anyone is faulting him for feeling bad about his marriage, for wanting it to be different. What they are faulting for is how he chooses to handle it. In spite of what he might want to make the OP believe, he does have choices. His choice is to cheat.

[rumbleseat]

You are either confusing me with someone else or making assumptions based on stereotypes but my husband is not working to provide for the family unit, he's working to "save" for the family unit more likely. I raise our kids and work full time around the clock to provide for our home, food and daily life, I give them the love and affection they need and I work my ass off to keep is going financially.

 

My husband has always worked and lived mostly separate from us because of his job and location being vital in that. I'm not sitting here crying that my husband may he having an affair because sexual openness is something I have asked him about and he flat turned it down.

 

I think rather than advice you are trying to find the buttons to upset me? It's not really working.

 

And the tears.. Those were after we had said I love you and were talking.. To each other, so I didn't have to take his word for it I saw them, I didn't mean he cried with his wife.

No he didn't drive home, he lives close but not walking distance in this weather and a friend picked him up. That something you are going to pick apart now?

 

If your husband is away that much and never home, has maybe cheated on you and you are the one main provider to the home, and do everything else on your own, then why stay with him? How much difference could divorce really make in your life?

[violet1]

Autumn,

From reading your posts, I honestly believe your marriage can be saved. I understand you're lonely. Have you actually sat your H down and told him how lonely you are when he's away? Can he get a job that doesn't require him to travel so frequently?

[goodyblue]

Hang on a minute here, Goodly.

 

The reason BS's here do what they do is because that most of us have seen that the situation you (and the OP) have described typically simply doesn't exist that way that it's been described.

 

Frigid wife inflicting damage? It happens...but it's a lot less common than I think that most OM/OW want to believe. And often the WS is every bit as much to blame for the state of the marriage as the BS...often, even moreso. The same personality traits that tend to let folks choose infidelity as an option to solve or avoid their problems are usually the very same primary factors that caused them to have a crap marriage in the first place...and were outside of the BS's control entirely.

 

The "head in the sand, sad" comment is something that I think may well apply to a whole lot of folks here...not 'just' the BS's that post here.

 

I don't disagree, it's not only bs's who have their head in the sand sometimes. And I'm not saying all. In my situation, my guy was lonely. He tried everything. They took vacations, he tried to get her to do things as a couple. He tried to get her to go to therapy. Nothing. So, the affair took place, then he left. And she acted 'blind sided' even though he had been clear in his need for love and affection (I don't want to hear that I don't KNOW this. I do).

 

So, even now, after years, she's still upset and miserable. I feel sorry for her. Even long after he left but before the divorce was final, she sent him long meandering emails trying to explain why she hated sex, why she wasn't affectionate, why, why, why. It was too late. It may not happen all the time, but it surely happens.

[goodyblue]

First of all, I'm a WS who got caught. If a man is so lonely and hateful of his frigid wife than he needs to grow a pair and demand marriage counseling or leave. We may not like the choices we have but there are always choices. Cheating is a choice that a WS makes without the BS's knowledge. Having an affair is NEVER the BS fault. How can the BS be blamed if they don't even know it's going on.

 

And refusing love and affection is a choice the BS made without the WS consent. He didn't have a choice either. So he made his choice. It was to have a short term affair (in my case) and leave. She DID play a part in the demise of the marriage. And if you are not having sex with your husband and refuse to do anything to solve the issue, what do you expect to happen? He should just wither up and die for you? Stay and pay all of your bills? Unhappily? I wish my relationship hadn't started out as an affair, but it did. So, we did the right thing, and he ended his marriage. I'm not saying it's right for everyone, or that it will work out for everyone. This was just my experience. That is all.

[Sub]

And refusing love and affection is a choice the BS made without the WS consent.

 

Yes, but he was aware of the choice, as sh**ty as it was. She was not aware of his choice.

 

 

And if you are not having sex with your husband and refuse to do anything to solve the issue, what do you expect to happen? He should just wither up and die for you? Stay and pay all of your bills? Unhappily?

 

There should always be the expectation of honesty in a relationship. An A was not his only choice. All other choices/decisions would have at least been more genuine. If he stayed "for the kids" in an affection-less relationship, that's not sound reasoning.

 

 

I'm not saying it's right for everyone, or that it will work out for everyone. This was just my experience. That is all.

 

Exactly. And in the end, your current SO did the right thing. I think this situation we're discussing is VERY different.

[violet1]

And refusing love and affection is a choice the BS made without the WS consent. He didn't have a choice either. So he made his choice. It was to have a short term affair (in my case) and leave. She DID play a part in the demise of the marriage. And if you are not having sex with your husband and refuse to do anything to solve the issue, what do you expect to happen? He should just wither up and die for you? Stay and pay all of your bills? Unhappily? I wish my relationship hadn't started out as an affair, but it did. So, we did the right thing, and he ended his marriage. I'm not saying it's right for everyone, or that it will work out for everyone. This was just my experience. That is all.

I'm the breadwinner so my hubby doesn't pay most of the bills, I do! If I wasn't giving him sex and he was withering away, I'd expect him to talk to me or file for D. I get feeling lonely and miserable, I do. Like your man and the OP, I also used these reasonings to justify my affair. I'm not afraid to admit I was too chicken sh#t to leave. In fact, I thought for sure I wanted a divorce. After D Day though, I realized I hadn't completely checked out of my M and I'm still in love with my H. I don't deserve his love and forgiveness, but I got it. :-)

 

Yes, the BS does play a role in marital problems, but sorry the BS is NOT responsible for the affair. Period.

[sweet_pea]

And refusing love and affection is a choice the BS made without the WS consent. He didn't have a choice either. So he made his choice. It was to have a short term affair (in my case) and leave. She DID play a part in the demise of the marriage. And if you are not having sex with your husband and refuse to do anything to solve the issue, what do you expect to happen? He should just wither up and die for you? Stay and pay all of your bills? Unhappily? I wish my relationship hadn't started out as an affair, but it did. So, we did the right thing, and he ended his marriage. I'm not saying it's right for everyone, or that it will work out for everyone. This was just my experience. That is all.

 

Why do some people act like these are their only options if they're so unhappy?

[txgrl]

Ofcourse not! But why couldn't he just D his 'miserable frigid' wife before pursuing a R with you? No matter what you say an A is a dishonorable way of ending a M. That is all.

 

Now that you two are together and happy , we all want the best for you . Just your continued justification for your A and piling most of the guilt on MM's X W is not right .

[experiencethedevine]

I don't disagree, it's not only bs's who have their head in the sand sometimes. And I'm not saying all. In my situation, my guy was lonely. He tried everything. They took vacations, he tried to get her to do things as a couple. He tried to get her to go to therapy. Nothing. So, the affair took place, then he left. And she acted 'blind sided' even though he had been clear in his need for love and affection (I don't want to hear that I don't KNOW this. I do).

 

So, even now, after years, she's still upset and miserable. I feel sorry for her. Even long after he left but before the divorce was final, she sent him long meandering emails trying to explain why she hated sex, why she wasn't affectionate, why, why, why. It was too late. It may not happen all the time, but it surely happens.

 

 

 

 

He wasn't 'clear' about the choice he made to involve her in an open marriage without her consent though was he??

 

 

As for feeling sorry for the woman, you tend to make such statements after you have blatantly pointed out 'her' faults. That doesn't indicate true sympathy.

[HPrynne]

He wasn't 'clear' about the choice he made to involve her in an open marriage without her consent though was he??

 

 

 

What about when the WS does inform the BS, before having an A, that it is not working and either the problem needs to be seriously addressed/not ignored within the next [insert time period] or the WS will consider the M open? Then the BS has just as much opportunity to work on it or, alternatively, file for D before that happens.

[rumbleseat]

OP, there are a couple of things here that don't add up, and it makes it seem as if you are reLly deep in the proverbial affair fog.

 

The first is the idea that he never has sex or any affection from his wife. You say it's been years and years. How do they have small children?

 

As for the love you say you feel for your H. Really examine that and ask yourself if you are treating him in a loving way. Many ow insist that an mm doesn't love his bs if he is cheating on her. Does that apply to you and your H as well? If,so, and if you no longer love him, then why stay? If he is hardly ever home, contributes little to the overall income and day to day family life, then what would you miss if he wasn't there?

 

It almost seems as if part of you I incredibly angry with him,and cheating with his good friend is the ultimate F U to him. If you do love him, you won't want to hurt him, especially like this. You also say you asked him for a more open M, but he said no, yet you are doing it anyway, just behind his back, and you are dragging your good friend through this.

 

There is just so much dishonesty here, mostly you with yourself.

[goodyblue]

Why do some people act like these are their only options if they're so unhappy?

 

It wasn't. He chose to get out, thank God.

[Pastypop]

Your husband travels a lot. Is gone from home. And he's the happiest he's ever been? How do you know he's not having an A, too?

 

Yep, my husband said the same thing when we use to work separate shifts and only saw each every five to six days.

[artdet]

Most MMs that cheat know how to get pity sex. If he gets a woman to believe how sexless loveless and miserable his M is, she will be emotionally inclined towards him. He can then proceed with his cake eating.

If the M is really that bad, he'll be out. Cheating MMs are not gentlemen that put up with a woman's crap. If you don't believe me OW, try being loveless sexless to him, see if he stay or walk.

This is a hard pill to swallow. But it is really ALL about cake eating.

Edited March 1, 2014 by artdet

[Ruffian1]

And if you are not having sex with your husband and refuse to do anything to solve the issue, what do you expect to happen?

 

Ohh geeze. And if it is not having any sex, then it is not enough sex, and then if it is enough, it's not the right kind (passionate, kinky, swing from chandelier, whatever he feel he is not getting) then if it is enough of the right kind, it will be something else.

 

What are the BS supposed to do, put themselves out there like a prostitute and do whatever, whenever, all the time.

 

What do you expect to happen??

 

I would expect him to say, hey, I need sex and you can't so I am going to get a D and then I will have sex with who ever I want. And I won't be jerking some other women around while I am married and setting an example of infidelity for my kids.

 

OHH but it's never that simple, right Kids, finances, blah, blah. Lies, deceit. excuses. Cake.

[txgrl]

I really like a lot of posts and posters here but after your above post, you've officially become my favorite poster of the day! Thank you for calling a spade a spade ??