Ladybug12 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 My husband recently tried to have sex with a coworker that he had a one month emotional affair with. They kissed and he tried to have sex with her, according to him, but she stopped it because they were both married. He is in a state of uncertainty about whether he wants to be with me because, according to him, our marriage has been dead for a few months to him because I told him at one point I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. The reason I said this is that I was feeling unhappy because he doesn't pay much attention to me. He travels a lot for work, doesn't call, and spends a lot of time on his computer or phone when he is home. He hardly shares his interests with me or talks to me about himself even though I ask him questions. He just answers me matter of factly. He doesn't seem to express interest in what's going on in my life. I can say that he's always been this way. However, it's been a recurring problem for me as his lack of interest in me has always made me feel like he's not that into me.. and he admits that he's not sure if he's ever been in love with me, but then says he must have been at some point.. In any case, he waffles around now asking his friends whether he should go try to sleep with other people. Then every weekend, he wants to reunite with me, saying he misses me. I do love him and I am very loyal, so it's hard for me to just walk away. We have a 2 year old together and it's nice to have a united family. Also, the hurt I am feeling causes us to fight and our therapist says my insecurity is driving him away.. but I can't shake the feeling that my insecurity is warranted.. I don't know if I should continue marriage therapy or have the guts to just break things off.. He is still password protecting his phone, but I did get into it at one point and found out that he is still texting the other woman, but in a platonic way. (Eg. as part of a conversation had by him and other co-workers.) I told him he should only be contacting her about work matters... if he is planning to continue being with me. Also, he needs to make up his mind about what he wants before we sleep together again and be commited to me for a consistent period of time.. We've been married for 5 years and together for 10... What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladybug12 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 I also forgot to say, very important detail, we have a 2 year old together. We planned this pregnancy together which makes it difficult for me to understand that he seems so unsure about what he wants.. or whether he's ever been in love with me.. and the fact that he chose to try to cheat on me as an end strategy in our relationship rather than marriage counseling for more than a session or two.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladybug12 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Also, prior to me saying I wasn't sure if I was in love with him, he was lying to me about going out drinking after work (saying he was working late) because he wanted to avoid me being annoyed at him for not coming home to help with the baby when she was still very young. When I expressed hurt over this, he said he didn't feel like I was his friend or had his back.. because I was always "starting ****". (Saying that I felt like he doesn't really care or love me/ he acts very independently/ doesn't seem interested in my life) Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 You've got a real winner lady!!! He tried to cheat. He isn't interested in going to counseling. He's basically not giving you anything you need emotionally. Leave. Unless of course you like this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 "He tried to have sex with her, but she stopped it" Were they in a hotel room? Were they simply planning on doing it? Some holes there..... Anyway, You can't fix this without his cooperation. It sounds like he's not in it to win it right now. You have to decide what you need for this to work, then he has to decide if he wants to do it - then you two have to come together and make it work. If 1+1 doesnt = 2 then it's probably time to kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladybug12 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Yes, they kissed and started making out, but the other woman decided to stop it because "they are both married". He intended to sleep with her, so yes, in essence he cheated and then he walked out on my after that. I cried and was depressed for 2 weeks over it before I started to pick myself up. It's weird because I felt a friendship for him and a ceaseless sense of loyalty. Now I feel as though I should work on our marriage and try to meet his needs (as I get the sense that he perceives me as insecure and always complaining, unappreciateive, overly demanding), but will this stop the cheating necessarily? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Yes, they kissed and started making out, but the other woman decided to stop it because "they are both married". He intended to sleep with her, so yes, in essence he cheated and then he walked out on my after that. I cried and was depressed for 2 weeks over it before I started to pick myself up. It's weird because I felt a friendship for him and a ceaseless sense of loyalty. Now I feel as though I should work on our marriage and try to meet his needs (as I get the sense that he perceives me as insecure and always complaining, unappreciateive, overly demanding), but will this stop the cheating necessarily? No, it won't, especially if his attitude about reconciling doesn't change. You'd only be his housewife while he might as well keep the OW. I wonder if her husband knows what she's up to... An emotional affair is somewhat more damaging than a pure physical one, because eventually he'll be completely distanced from you, which always leads up to the physical stuff happening. Just because you change, doesn't mean he'll see it. Our awareness is not always working, and often simply too late, as in "realizing what you lost in life", although there are also people too stubborn to see it. Another point; you said that you told him you weren't sure you loved him anymore -- never say this to any husband or boyfriend, ever. Words can harm as much as actions, and yeah, it coul dhave been that this is what set this mess in motion. Should you stay with him or find someone else you'll get together with, simply talk about your feelings. There is no need to say that you might not be in love anymore - a hurtful thing to say! - and there's even less need to let it come this far. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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