tuxedo cat Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 My ex and I officially broke up a year and a half ago but we semi got back together on and off and continued to have sex until just a month ago. I've never had this much difficulty getting over anyone and sometimes it feels like there's no end to my sadness. It's so bad that every day for the past week I come home, go to my room, and just bawl. Suicidal thoughts drift from my head when I'm standing in front of a train or busy street. Will I ever get any relief? We haven't spoken in a week but every day seems to be worse. I never connected with anybody as much as I did with him and now that I've gotten a taste of that my life feels like a horrible void without him. Things he said about the world are always in my thoughts, it's like he is narrating my life. I just want him gone. I want to feel like a real person again. To make matters worse I moved to a new city 3 months ago where I know nobody except for him. He started cutting me off soon after my move. I know the common wisdom is to do good things for yourself but I have no time for anything. I have an internship that is sucking all my energy and I don't know if I"ll even get hired at the end of it. I come home every night and feel exhausted. I have no appetite because of all the stress and because of the feelings of loneliness. My physical appearance is starting to suffer as well. I've lost some weight and don't have the energy to do laundry when I get home (the laundromat is a 15 minute walk from my apartment). I don't even have furniture in my room because I haven't had the time to purchase any. It feels like I'm in withdrawal from some horrible drug but the withdrawal never peaks...it just keeps building and building. Please offer some advice. I am at my physical and psychological limit. Link to post Share on other sites
Flicka Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I'm so sorry you're hurting. When I read your post my heart twists. The only thought I have for you, and I'm sure you know this, is that it's basically impossible to heal from a breakup while still sleeping with your ex. So, I think you have to be kinder to yourself. If you just stopped talking to him last week then it's like the breakup occurred last week. Of course your struggling and depressed right now. On top of the breakup, you're stressing at your internship (I'm weirdly in the exact same internship/break up situation as you) and you're in a new town. That's a lot to take on all at once. You have to believe that things will calm down and normalize as you distance yourself from your ex and give yourself a break. The pain will still ebb and flow, but it will fade and you will feel better sooner than you know, provided you stop sleeping with your ex and give yourself some time away to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedjan Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was with my ex for what would've been 7 years in April 6 months ago. We continued to be friends (with NO benefits) but he would still kiss me from time to time and tell me he wanted to marry me. I ended contact with him a month ago and I can tell you I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It is hard, it sucks, it doesn't seem real. But I can honestly say as much as I HATED hearing this time and NC does help. It helps to see them for who they were, your faults, and why the relationship didn't work. I have been EXACTLY where you are, suicidal thoughts and all!. It will get better, for me it got bearable after the third week. I now see how emotionally abusive, manipulating, and how much of a liar he was. I told myself I could make it to a week, ill survive. Then if I make it two weeks, ill survive. Eventually you will feel the relief of the sadness. For me mornings were the worst and I would force myself to get in the shower, cry on the way to work, cry at work, cry on the way home, and vent to anyone who would listen. Venting really helped me and I just allowed myself to feel every emotion to the extreme. I spent many lunches crying in the car and asking God why. Blaming myself and wanting to be dead. Each week I didn't talk to my ex he would send me breadcrumbs and act like nothing happened. When I attempted to have a mature talk three times he cursed me out and called me every name in the book. He even said he wished that I would die. Fast forward to a few days ago he apologized (mind game). Then he reached out for some random unimportant reason (see my previous post) and that was a mind game too. Bottom line is there is a reason it is not working and as much as it hurts you have to REALLY push through the pain. You have to know your worth and who you are and if he doesn't see it that is HIS problem. We tend to get so wrapped up in another person in a relationship that we forget about ourselves and what makes us happy. I hope you feel better! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyM Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 My heart goes out to you because I often feel as you do. I know NC is supposed to help, but it hasn't been much help for me. About a month ago, I bought four books on Amazon that are like therapy for me. I always feel better after reading from them. I didn't want to go for therapy because of the expense and knowing that 45 minutes once a week will make almost no difference to me. With these books, it's like having therapy available 24/7, whenever needed. It's an immediate mood boost and gives me strength. Anyway, I just thought I'd put out there what has been helpful for me. Wishing you the best.... Link to post Share on other sites
Skyspinner Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 LadyM - Could you please list these four books so I can check them out? Many thanks. I can't afford therapy either! Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Tuxedo, I remember your initial story. I'm so sorry. I was where you are at when I was keeping contact with my ex. It's so brutal, and you are only human. Please go NC. It was the best thing I ever did even though it killed me to do it. You go through some rough times with NC, but at least it is an exit strategy. There is a light at the end of the NC tunnel, but it is only a rabbit hole if you stay in contact. If I remember correctly, he was calling you daily. Now that you have moved to his city, he is showing his true colors. He only wants you at arms length. Can you move out of this city? I get the feeling you moved there for him. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 LadyM - Could you please list these four books so I can check them out? Many thanks. I can't afford therapy either! If I may, I'd recommend "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. It helped me during my darkest days. I would keep my Kindle with my to read it when things got really bad. It literally breaks down all of the different reasons why NC is necessary, and it walks you through the stages of grief related to a breakup. It even has a section called "No Contact Booby Traps," which deconstructs all of the reasons you rationalize breaking NC and why it doesn't work. What's even better is that the author wrote this book from her personal experiences, so you feel like you have a friend going through it with you. I would read and re-read sections of it, and it always made me feel better. It's the best 7.99 I've spent in awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Skyspinner Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Many thanks BC1980, I'm off to check it out now! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyM Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) LadyM - Could you please list these four books so I can check them out? Many thanks. I can't afford therapy either! Some of the books I bought may only be applicable to the situation I had with my ex, but here they are: "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person" by Howard Halpern "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie "The Object Of My Affection Is In My Reflection" by Rokelle Lerner "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft Amazon is a great resource because there are so many thorough reviews for each book. An online site that I found extremely helpful from the recommendation of a poster here is..... http://breakuprecoveryguide.com/ It is beautifully written and illustrated. I hope that helps some!! Edited March 2, 2014 by LadyM 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Skyspinner Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you so much for taking the time to do that LadyM, I'm going right over to amazon now! I agree that website you mentioned is beautifully written and illustrated - it clearly comes from the heart of someone who knows what they're talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
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