HELP. Great guy seems not into it, but balks when I go. Am I missing something?

[Elvira]

The context of the story is this: I meet a guy who seems perfect. I didn't really pay attention to him at first, not because I didn't see right away that he was fabulous, but because he seemed so out of reach, he's significantlyy older, + a prototypical alpha-male. I was astonished when he started e-mailing me six months ago. We e-mailed constantly, at first it was fun, but then I found it a bit tiresome, but I did it anyway.

 

We both worked quite a bit, but then he started weekly dinner/movie thing at his house and I started going to that, along with our mutual friends. It has been fun, only he has an ex-girlfriend who feels the need to come and join us. Or maybe he invites her. It has always made me uncomfortable. At the start, she came and they seemed to enjoy giving each other massages. Given that I was already somewhat emotionally invested in this guy, I said that this didn't wash with me. He respected that and the fondling stopped. But she still comes every week.

 

More e-mails. I'm waiting for Mr. Perfect to ask me out, and at a point he invites me over but that day my father lands in the hospital. For the two weeks I'm at work or at the hospital, it is impossible for us to get together.

 

At a point right after, this guy e-mails me to say that he had a friend from out of town to visit. I know him well enough to know that this was no platonic visit. So I tell him how I don't think it's right that he invests so much time in our cyber relationship, such that it is, and sleeps with other people. It's only normal that I get attached. The incident really shook me and so we cut off all communication for awhile.

 

Then we got back into our little cyber-relationship. I had cooled off and I guess he wanted more... e-mails? I have no idea.

 

I was willing to wait things out and see where things were heading, I can be patient. But then I found myself out of a job. This is normal for my field so I'm OK with it, but sadly, I can't say I feel well enough established in my profession to start choosing the cities in which I want to live. Until now, I have mostly worked abroad. I told Mr. Perfect that it would take a very long time to find more work in my field in this city, and the thought of going through that process was hard for me.

 

Then Christmas. Mr. Perfect and I arrange to meet for New Years, again with mutual friends, this time sans ex. Then miracle of miracles, we have our first kiss. It was great.

 

Cut to our first date. I cook for him and we watch a movie. We argued a bit about differing opinions we have about relationships, I find him very rational and calculating when it comes to women. It was a poor choice of conversation. He is tierd and despite it being Sunday, his phone is ringing constantly because of his business. It was not an exciting date. I send him my morning e-mail for the next 3 days and for the first time in 6 months, I get no response from him. He says he e-mailed me to say that work was hectic but I never got the message.

 

By now I'm getting job offers from outside the city. Nothing is panning out for me here. I write this guy to say that really I appreciate the time that we got to know each other, but I don't want to impose on him anymore. He needs to find a woman that really blows him away. Sadly after 6 months of ambiguity I don't feel it's me. At least, he could choose someone more practical, and employed. I'm thinking that his priorities are undestandably different from mine since he is older than me.

 

He says that he is touched that I cooked for him. He wishes he understood the drama. I'm suspecting that he's willfully lacking imagination at this point. We leave it there. I stop by for the next Wednesday night thing, on my way to a job interview in a city 1.5 hrs. away. His ex is there as usual. She thanks him for playing music on her answering machine. I ask which music. She says 'Unchained Melodies'. I feel that my fears have been confirmed and that this guy really just doesn't care for me that much.

 

Now it seems that the details are getting sorted out for my next job, only 1.5 hrs away by car. I'm thankful because I don't want to be too far from my father since he isn't well. I write Mr. Perfect with the news, but he's gone awol. I'm trying hard to be mature and have a good attitude about all of this so I'm hurt that he can't just be supportive of me at this point. I can't ask most of my friends what they think because they are also his. The ones who don't know him personally are just as miffed as I am, although the girls tell me I should just let it go. Should I?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

There is an old saying that I think is quite applicable to your situation:

"Judge a person by their actions and not by their words." His actions speak volumes. You are wasting your time with this guy. He is very independent and has never cut ties with his ex girlfriend. I am sorry but he sounds like a typical player. Everything is based on his time. He sees you when he wants to. Don't waste anymore of your time. You deserve better than this.

[Sarah12385]

*cringes* this guy sounds like a royal pain! waaayyy too much drama. way too much.

 

i'm invisioning Johnny Depp as this "mr. perfect" character, but.....it doesn't seem like he's giving you the time of day.

 

i think i'd drop him. the ex thing....that would annoy me to no end. you deserve someone better than that, seriously. go find a nice boy-next-door kinda guy

i bet if and when you dump this man, you'll feel a lot better. too much to keep up with, plus it seems like there are mized signals going on.

 

goooood luck!

 

 

~Sarah~

[Girlie]

I'm guessing from the way you described things that his ex-gf doesn't just show up uninvited. He's playing love songs on her machine and they're all touchy feely? Red flag. I hate to say it, but the rule of thumb for me is that if they still have anything even remotely close to what you described going on with the ex, I steer clear. No thanks.

 

And then, he has, what....a peice of a$$ come to town? Or at least that's what you were thinking. I assume you weren't wrong from what you said.

 

If I were you, I'd let it go. Mr. Perfect is out there, but he probably doesn't have something funky going on with the ex, and he will probably show more interest in you than this one. This one is either too busy or too flakey, or worse, both. Either way, it sounds like he's not what you need. Keep looking. You'll find someone who treats you like gold.

[Elvira]

Thanks for the input, folks. Part of me wants to confront him, and get him to for once properly state what's going through his mind, then maybe he can quit sulking and be a friend, and I can say my goodbyes. The part of me that's winning out is the one that's going to jet out of town without looking back. As cheap as that is. Cheers.