dreamcatcher975 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 To those who filed for D.. Maybe you guys can help me get a glimpse into the mind of a person who filed for the divorce. Short story: My H has been saying he wants a D for the past year or so. We separated for several months. I went home to be around family during this time but he never filed. came up with excuses as to why he couldn’t file: No money too Busy and even turned it around to.. “haven’t you been there long enough to file it?” (he knows i don’t want it) Fast forward. I came home because there was no movement as far as our relationship. My belongings weren't being sent, he wasn't filing for divorce. It was just at a standstill. When i came home.. i Found out his “excuses” meant nothing. -bought a huge screen tv… electronics, clothes, etc. I always knew he had money to file for the divorce. It would be an uncontested divorce — and i don’t think those take long, do they? We don't have huge property, we don't have kids, so it wouldn't be a difficult divorce (i think?) My question is.. for those who filed and were so SURE that a divorce is what they wanted.. did you stall this long???? My H seems so “sure” he wants it but his actions say otherwise. I just wanted to see if maybe i can understand him better. He was never the best at communicating and sometimes i think my H has his foot in his mouth but his pride can't get him to admit he doesn't really want one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 No: Addiction, abuse, or affairs either. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 YOU file for divorce! All those nice new things he bought - are half yours! He is spending money you are entitled to! Go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 My question is.. for those who filed and were so SURE that a divorce is what they wanted.. did you stall this long???? My exW and I planned our filing together, settling all issues prior. As a man, one potential I would forward would be: Fear of admitting his failure. Fear of the process. I worked through both of these in MC. My exW didn't appear to have such fears, though she did mention once in MC that she was a bit ambivalent about being a 'three time loser' (her words) having been divorced two other times. I didn't really see it that way but perhaps it was a legitimate fear for her. That said, for her, the process was more familiar; for myself, it felt daunting. Unknown how your H feels or what his reasons are but my advice would mirror TaraMaiden's, in that you have choices and filing for divorce is certainly a choice you can make. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 No waiting for me. We went to therapy in the spring, it was not working out. I told her in May that I was done. Filed in June, D in August. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Thank you all for your replies! I don't want the divorce. This would be his 2nd divorce if we do get one.. and i'm pretty sure he's familiar with the proceedings. that's why idk y it would take him this long to file for one. We still "go out" on the weekends and act like a "couple" he takes me out, movies, dinner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Reading your backstory, with a long physical and distant separation, being in the military and having his own children from his past M/LTR, my BTDT opinion is that he established an alternative relationship in your absence and is now waffling internally, even if not in contact with that relationship. Our MC gave us a very keen piece of information, though totally his opinion - People separate to get divorced. We experimented with that option for a few months and I came to see what he meant. It was easy to 'move on', for both of us. We reviewed that in MC after. The way I see it is if he keeps waffling and you don't want to file for divorce yourself, you're in a limbo of both your making. You each have choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 He might be worried about the financial aspect of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) I doubt that's at the forefront of his mind.... It's going to sound harsh and is by no means indicative of ALL males, but an awful lot of men actually do their best to NOT think about it. They retreat into their mental "man den" and often pretend the unsavoury part of the separation is not happening, or can be pushed aside for now. He's enjoying your company on a regular basis (do you have sex?) AND enjoying 'the single life' at the same, time.... Edited February 28, 2014 by TaraMaiden 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 To those who filed for D.. Maybe you guys can help me get a glimpse into the mind of a person who filed for the divorce. Ok, but this is not filing for D. Short story: My H has been saying he wants a D for the past year or so. We separated for several months. I went home to be around family during this time but he never filed. came up with excuses as to why he couldn’t file: No money too Busy and even turned it around to.. “haven’t you been there long enough to file it?” (he knows i don’t want it) I can think of 2 possibilities : - he is the kind of person who is a passive-aggressive, and quite lazy ... you know him best so think this one through - he doesn't really want a D; he is just using the D card to obtain power in the relationship or to get you to do what he wants I honestly suspect the former, that he is lazy and passive-aggressive. Basically he's not a do-er unless it's something that he wants ... he doesn't do what needs to be done, he is not proactive, and he has a tendency of either letting stuff until the last minute, or to let others handle his workload. Fast forward. I came home because there was no movement as far as our relationship. My belongings weren't being sent, he wasn't filing for divorce. It was just at a standstill. When i came home.. i Found out his “excuses” meant nothing. -bought a huge screen tv… electronics, clothes, etc. I always knew he had money to file for the divorce. It would be an uncontested divorce — and i don’t think those take long, do they? We don't have huge property, we don't have kids, so it wouldn't be a difficult divorce (i think?) My question is.. for those who filed and were so SURE that a divorce is what they wanted.. did you stall this long???? My H seems so “sure” he wants it but his actions say otherwise. I just wanted to see if maybe i can understand him better. He was never the best at communicating and sometimes i think my H has his foot in his mouth but his pride can't get him to admit he doesn't really want one. When actions and words do not go together, always follow the actions. Anyone else involved ... like another woman ? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Thank you all for your replies! I don't want the divorce. This would be his 2nd divorce if we do get one.. and i'm pretty sure he's familiar with the proceedings. that's why idk y it would take him this long to file for one. We still "go out" on the weekends and act like a "couple" he takes me out, movies, dinner. You cannot allow someone to use the D-bomb and not mean it. So if you will stick together, you have to make that point clear, and not with words [with some sort of penalty], so the situation does not repeat itself. Think of all the drama and andrenaline rushes, the impending feeling of dread, that bile in your liver coming up that you had when you heard the D word. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 My exW and I planned our filing together, settling all issues prior. As a man, one potential I would forward would be: Fear of admitting his failure. Fear of the process. I worked through both of these in MC. My exW didn't appear to have such fears, though she did mention once in MC that she was a bit ambivalent about being a 'three time loser' (her words) having been divorced two other times. I didn't really see it that way but perhaps it was a legitimate fear for her. That said, for her, the process was more familiar; for myself, it felt daunting. Unknown how your H feels or what his reasons are but my advice would mirror TaraMaiden's, in that you have choices and filing for divorce is certainly a choice you can make. Since it seems like your D was a joint decision did it take long to be finalized? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Ok, but this is not filing for D. I can think of 2 possibilities : - he is the kind of person who is a passive-aggressive, and quite lazy ... you know him best so think this one through - he doesn't really want a D; he is just using the D card to obtain power in the relationship or to get you to do what he wants I honestly suspect the former, that he is lazy and passive-aggressive. Basically he's not a do-er unless it's something that he wants ... he doesn't do what needs to be done, he is not proactive, and he has a tendency of either letting stuff until the last minute, or to let others handle his workload. I have read up on PA and i do see that he does a lot of the things listed. I'm just confused.. "not a do-er unless it's something he wants".. he's voiced for a year (on and off ) that it's something that he wants but hasn't done anything to get it moving. Is that a PA thing?? It's just confusing to me. Anyone else involved ... like another woman ? no, no other woman is involved. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Since it seems like your D was a joint decision did it take long to be finalized? California has a six month cooling off period and our only delays were filing errors (our fault!) which delayed it. Also, I was involved in EOL care and getting the D done wasn't a real priority at that time, as we had already settled everything and there wasn't anyone waiting for a check or anything like that. Once we got the filings right, the dissolution was recorded the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 California has a six month cooling off period and our only delays were filing errors (our fault!) which delayed it. Also, I was involved in EOL care and getting the D done wasn't a real priority at that time, as we had already settled everything and there wasn't anyone waiting for a check or anything like that. Once we got the filings right, the dissolution was recorded the next day. i'm sorry i'm not quite familiar with the acronyms.. what's EOL care? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 EOL - End of life. In my case, my mother died about a month before our divorce was finalized. I had been caring for her about eight years at that point. Not relevant to your situation but not having that distraction probably would've prompted me to 'get 'er done' more quickly on the D front. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
michele4 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am the one who filed for the divorce even though I am not the one who initiated or wanted the divorce. My ex was more of the passive-aggressive lazy type mentioned above and it honestly just got to the point where he was not willing to change his mind and his actions were beginning to hinder my life. I know that you may not want the divorce but at this time you need to do what is best for you in the long run and if it is filing for the divorce so you can leave an unhappy situation then that needs to be a serious consideration. Your SO actually bought several pricey items before the potential divorce and as mentioned YOU are now entitled to half of these. Definitely take advantage of that. My ex had to take out a loan to pay his lawyer fees but has since somehow come up with money (I would love to know how since he was always broke during the marriage) to purchase himself many pricey items and I have no right to them- I do not want right to them but just saying if you have the opportunity definitely take it Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Thanks so much for replying guys!! I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am the one who filed for the divorce even though I am not the one who initiated or wanted the divorce. My ex was more of the passive-aggressive lazy type mentioned above and it honestly just got to the point where he was not willing to change his mind and his actions were beginning to hinder my life. I know that you may not want the divorce but at this time you need to do what is best for you in the long run and if it is filing for the divorce so you can leave an unhappy situation then that needs to be a serious consideration. Your SO actually bought several pricey items before the potential divorce and as mentioned YOU are now entitled to half of these. Definitely take advantage of that. My ex had to take out a loan to pay his lawyer fees but has since somehow come up with money (I would love to know how since he was always broke during the marriage) to purchase himself many pricey items and I have no right to them- I do not want right to them but just saying if you have the opportunity definitely take it I really don't know how this divorce stuff works.. so i apologize for so many questions.. I don't quite understand how i'm entitled to half of the stuff he bought. He bought new TV while i was away, Electrornics mostly... how am i entitled to half of those things?? Also, i was wondering (if you're willing to share) -- what were some of the things your H that began to hinder your life? Sometimes, I feel that way... but i can't figure if it's me or my H. Edited March 2, 2014 by dreamcatcher975 Link to post Share on other sites
michele4 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I would speak to a lawyer but in most states (if you are in the u.s.) things bought for the home are joint property. If there were to be a dissolution of your marriage you would have the right to an equal amount of the property/worth of property. As for life hinderance- he would say emotionally and mentally hurtful things whenever he had the opportunity (including while I was at work which made working during that time incredibly difficult), he bothered any of our/my friends that supported me, he would go out partying and hook up with other women but when he got home since we were still legally married he would expect me to talk about his day with him and act like friends etc etc. I am looking at some for of your info and my ex was also military and we had no children. Unfortunately the military is not very supportive of spouses in this position Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Hi Dreamcatcher, I agree 100% with TaraM. Why should he divorce and end the fairytale he has now by your accepting to live in limbo. His weekdays (and likely weeknights) are spent as an single man. If this week does not go as planned....well then he has those "weekends" you describe. Now that you know exactly what he wants from you (a hide-and-seek marriage)....THE REAL QUESTION is::::What do you want out of life???? I say wake up Dreamcatcher..... Very good luck to you. ~Mystery 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamcatcher975 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 Thanks everyone for the advice There might be a chance my H will file for the divorce next week. He hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. But if he does, i want to be ready. What can i expect? and any advice on how to handle such a situation?? i'm freaking out tbh... however, a small small part of me is ready to let go. I feel like i'm about to go in to get major surgery and idk how if i'll make it. Link to post Share on other sites
michele4 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I would mentally and emotionally prepare yourself as best you can and just try and stay aware of what is going on. Keeping people nearby that are supportive of you and that can be there for you if he does decide to file next week is also a good idea. As I mentioned I was the one who filed even though I did not want the divorce just so I could finally move on and stop worrying... is this something you would consider or would you feel better if he is the one who actually files? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 EOL - End of life. In my case, my mother died about a month before our divorce was finalized. I had been caring for her about eight years at that point. Not relevant to your situation but not having that distraction probably would've prompted me to 'get 'er done' more quickly on the D front.I just want to know if you lived in the basement all those past years, carhill? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am the one who filed for the divorce even though I am not the one who initiated or wanted the divorce. My ex was more of the passive-aggressive lazy type mentioned above and it honestly just got to the point where he was not willing to change his mind and his actions were beginning to hinder my life. I know that you may not want the divorce but at this time you need to do what is best for you in the long run and if it is filing for the divorce so you can leave an unhappy situation then that needs to be a serious consideration. I would imagine anyone who is not committed to the marriage would hinder the others life immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 I would imagine anyone who is not committed to the marriage would hinder the others life immensely. Remember the adage: "He who cares the least controls the most. " Never a truer word said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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