those who filed for the Divorce

[dreamcatcher975]

I would mentally and emotionally prepare yourself as best you can and just try and stay aware of what is going on. Keeping people nearby that are supportive of you and that can be there for you if he does decide to file next week is also a good idea.

 

As I mentioned I was the one who filed even though I did not want the divorce just so I could finally move on and stop worrying... is this something you would consider or would you feel better if he is the one who actually files?

 

I have considered filing... but it comes in waves. Some days, i feel really confident about filing then it out of no where i know i'm not ready. i guess i'd just feel better if he filed it.

[michele4]

If you aren't comfortable doing it then that is totally ok-you need to do what is best for you. Even if you want to wait for him to file I would definitely recommend speaking with a counselor and a lawyer just for some emotional support and to prepare yourself for what could come. It is not an enjoyable process in any way (the filing- obviously divorce is awful and we wouldn't be on this forum otherwise) and I wish he would've just taken care of it but he kept stalling and making me miserable so I just took matters into my own hands.

[dunya]

It seems like he wants you to be the "bad guy/girl" and file for he divorce. This way he can hold it against you down the road perhaps. Or maybe just maybe...he's confused and doesn't really know if he wants it that bad. As someone who almost got divorced and didn't want it, I would have probably done a lot to stall my divorce. Luckily I didn't need to go through with it because my wife and I made our marriage awesome. I hope for your sake you get some type of closure to your ordeal. Good luck.

[dreamcatcher975]

If you aren't comfortable doing it then that is totally ok-you need to do what is best for you.

 

Thank you, I appreciate that. It's difficult. it's really rare that anyone says that to me. I have a bunch of friends who just push for me to get the divorce but it's not that easy for me. I always say that it's easy for them to tell me to file but they are not the one who has to bare the pain of it. I will. It's just a nice change to hear someone say that it's okay if i don't want to file it. It takes the pressure off of me even for a second and i can breathe.

 

Even if you want to wait for him to file I would definitely recommend speaking with a counselor and a lawyer just for some emotional support and to prepare yourself for what could come. It is not an enjoyable process in any way (the filing- obviously divorce is awful and we wouldn't be on this forum otherwise) and I wish he would've just taken care of it but he kept stalling and making me miserable so I just took matters into my own hands.

 

I had a counselor but i'm currently looking for a new one. I had to change counselors. i felt worse coming out of the sessions. He told me that I "don't care" for my step kids which I feel is totally wrong. i'd do anything for my step kids. He made me feel horrible. I felt angrier at my husband after the sessions and i'm tired of being angry. So i had to dump him. I felt he was adding more negative thoughts rather than positive ones (which is what i need right now) . i'm looking around. I find running was a lot more helpful than going to his session so i've been turning to that more often. Lawyers, i'm calling around. I am setting up appointments but because i don't have a vehicle here it's hard to keep appointments but i'm renting a vehicle this week.

 

The environment at home isn't that bad. I mean, we actually talk and this past weekend we were able to talk about somethings.. even talked about some of the issues with out it getting into an argument. I'm not in a horrible situation. I'm not being abused or anything like that. Some might even say that he treats me like a "wife" still. Infact i feel he's more in tuned to my needs now more than ever. We go out for dessert, and he even offered to share desserts with me, we go out to dinner, shopping.. and i feel like he worries more about my where abouts now more than before or even insists i go to the trails with him (he rarely invited me to go)....there are changes.. but idk how to take it. When we're out, he asks me if i ne when it ed to make a stop anywhere. I'm just a bit disappointed that it takes a the threat of divorce for him to more attentive. I wish he was like this before he told me he wanted a divorce. and i wish i knew i how to handle this little subtle changes to help the situation.

[dreamcatcher975]

It seems like he wants you to be the "bad guy/girl" and file for he divorce. This way he can hold it against you down the road perhaps. Or maybe just maybe...he's confused and doesn't really know if he wants it that bad. As someone who almost got divorced and didn't want it, I would have probably done a lot to stall my divorce. Luckily I didn't need to go through with it because my wife and I made our marriage awesome. I hope for your sake you get some type of closure to your ordeal. Good luck.

 

Sometimes, i think that that's what he wants too.. but i think my H is too cocky (for lack of the better word) or maybe even too stubborn, to care what people think. He has told me that he's willing to take the blame for it. And he doesn't push me to file it. Since i've been back, he doesn't mention me filing for it. As i stated in the the reply to michele, i feel we still go out like a couple .. shopping, dinner, movies, going to trails, he "worries" where i'm at if i'm out late (i have to rid the bus) when he found out i was riding the bus to get around he sounded concerned and offers his vehicle to me now (before i came back he wasn't as open to giving me the car).... maybe i'm missing it idk if thats even normal "we're getting a divorce" behavior.

 

Can i ask.. how did you change the dynamic of your marriage (i assume you were on the verge of divorce at one point?)

[michele4]

The environment at home isn't that bad. I mean, we actually talk and this past weekend we were able to talk about somethings.. even talked about some of the issues with out it getting into an argument. I'm not in a horrible situation. I'm not being abused or anything like that. Some might even say that he treats me like a "wife" still. Infact i feel he's more in tuned to my needs now more than ever. We go out for dessert, and he even offered to share desserts with me, we go out to dinner, shopping.. and i feel like he worries more about my where abouts now more than before or even insists i go to the trails with him (he rarely invited me to go)....there are changes.. but idk how to take it. When we're out, he asks me if i ne when it ed to make a stop anywhere. I'm just a bit disappointed that it takes a the threat of divorce for him to more attentive. I wish he was like this before he told me he wanted a divorce. and i wish i knew i how to handle this little subtle changes to help the situation.

 

I am glad that it is not too toxic of an environment but it must be stressful. I hope you and your husband can work things out (counseling, etc) but you do not want to have a potential divorce always lurking in the background of any somewhat good moments.

 

Another thing to keep in mind, I'm not trying to be a downer on the situation but just realistically, is that your husband is military as was my ex husband. It looks really bad for them to have a difficult divorce or treat their wife in an inappropriate manner (not that the military helps the spouse much but it definitely reflects on them for their work in regards to their general character).

[dreamcatcher975]

He still hasn't filed for divorce.

 

He told me he'd go to a lawyer consultation this week. He didnt' go. A week ago During spring break i thought maybe he'd go to a lawyer but he didn't do it either. He told me last time March would be the month he files. March is almost over. I just don't get it. It has been over 13 months since he has told me he wanted a divorce but has done nothing to pursue it.

 

I actually went to a lawyer last week... but he doesn't know i went. I think maybe i'm one step ahead of him, even if it's something i don't want. I felt the need to understand the process so he wouldn't be able to throw information at me and i start to go into panic mode. I didn't file but i did get his number and he got some info from me so if i did want to he said i can just come in again.

 

Things are still decent in the home, we don't fight. Sometimes We go to dinner/lunch on the weekends, sometimes even watch movies. I just don't know how to comprehend what's going on or what to expect.

 

Does my H sound like a person who wants a divorce sooo bad?

Edited March 22, 2014 by dreamcatcher975

[Giggle]

No, he doesn't. You're going to ask him straight out. I'm not sure I could do it, but limbo sucks.

 

I am the one filing this time. Mine doesn't want the divorce, but he has asked like 4 times in the last week if it had been filed yet. Obviously not because he hasn't signed anything.. Lol, just had the appt Monday and he called yesterday to know when the paperwork would be ready. Mine is sounding anxious for some reason. Shrug.

[dreamcatcher975]

No, he doesn't. You're going to ask him straight out. I'm not sure I could do it, but limbo sucks.

 

I have, and i have told him to file it that's what he really wants... but it never happens and he just moves the "dates" he says he'll file. Sometimes, I think that maybe he doesn't want to retract his words because he's in it too deep.. his pride has gotten the best of him and I've noticed that my H has a lot of pride.

 

We still go out like nothing is happening. A couple of days ago, he came home early from school and i wasn't home. He starts calling me asking me where i was. I told him where I was, and he picked me up and he took me to lunch. I wasn't expecting him to come home early at all let alone have lunch with him.

 

His actions and words just don't match and i have no idea which to work with.

 

 

I am the one filing this time. Mine doesn't want the divorce, but he has asked like 4 times in the last week if it had been filed yet. Obviously not because he hasn't signed anything.. Lol, just had the appt Monday and he called yesterday to know when the paperwork would be ready. Mine is sounding anxious for some reason. Shrug.

 

I admit i did this when my H and i were separated. Not nearly as frequent as your H though. I'd ask whenever i didn't hear a word about the D after a couple weeks or so and i'd ask one time whether or not he's filed. My explanation for asking was so i can just prepare myself and i guess so i can move on to the next process of grieving my marriage.

[dreamcatcher975]

Last night my H approached me because of my recent change.

 

Lately, i've been kind of distant, one word answers, just shrugging here and there whenever he asks me a question, and i've become less passive with things around the house.

 

Well, last night he comes home from school/working out. He gets in the house and he throws some sarcastic comment at me that usually upsets me and i answered back (i usually just walk away or get upset) and told him to "keep your little comments to yourself." and i walked away. He goes in his room and i get ready to go out. (my friend had texted me earlier asking me to go out with her to get some drinks at a nearby bar/grill. I usually decline but last night i just said "heck with it!" and got ready.) As i'm getting ready my H is asking me what's for dinner but i refuse to budge. He kept asking me what i was doing for dinner (he still expects me to cook) but tonight i told him, "idk! go buy dinner!" He kept at it though. Eventually he came in my room.

 

The Conversation follows:

 

H: What's for dinner?...

 

M: Idk, go by dinner.

 

H: Where u going?

 

M: No where.

 

H: Don't lie, you weren't dressed like that when i got home (i just changed into jeans and a top)

 

M: .....

 

H: What's wrong with you? Why are you like this all of a sudden?

 

M: Nothing. I'm just giving you your space already. Don't want to be in your way.

 

H: Sure my Space (sarcastically)

 

M: Aren't you the one talking about divorce?? You wanted that divorce didnt' you?

 

H: I guess......

 

M: NO, not "I guess" it's either YES OR NO. This is what you wanted right, The divorce??!

 

H: Silence.

 

I asked him again, and he didn't answer at all. That's when i told him... i couldn't live in limbo... and how i've suggested so many things for us to try and nothing. He just walked away from me quietly and i cried. I couldn't help but just cry. My frustrations, hurt, anger. I don't understand how someone can be upfront and tell me to my face how he feels and what he wants but when i confront him about it and GIVE HIM what he wants, he can't say a word. Why was he silent, why couldn't he say a word when i asked him?

 

I had reason for my distance this week, but i never told him. My distance was because i have come to realize that i will probably end up filing for the divorce myself because i no longer want to live in constant worry about my marriage. I don't want to file for the divorce. It's not what i want.... but i know for the sake of my sanity.. it's what i have to do.

 

I just don't think it's fair. He's the one that began this mess.... yet i'm the one that's having to execute everything about it when i'm the one that doesn't want it.