Sandy66728 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 My boyfriend and I absolutely adore each other, but we have very different pasts. After a tough break up, he started sleeping around. Actually, he has always been the type to sleep around when single, but once he's in a relationship, he's one to really commit (he stops going out, devotes himself to his partner, etc). The thing is, ever since he was a teenager, he's been with tons of girls and done tons of things, including threesomes. He was really shallow and would only sleep with hot girls at some point, he dated a stripper (from a high end club, so pretty face, big boobs, skinny, etc.) There are still some girls around because social circles are small here, so you're bound to see them occasionally, and also because of mutual friends and such, so he still has some of them on Facebook. My past, on the other hand is when I was a teenager, I was constantly called ugly and barely had any "action". I only lost my virginity when I was 18. I had just one boyfriend who was slightly older and abusive, controlling, the whole nine yards. He was really insecure himself and questioned everything I'd done until that point, even the crushes I'd had... we got into a pattern of fighting and comparing. I ended up doubting myself so much. I only ever slept with like 2 other guys between my ex and current boyfriend, and I slept with them for the wrong reasons. I'm not very experienced, and I've always felt ugly. He says his past was fun, but empty, and that what we have is much more fulfilling. I find it hard to believe. I'm quite inexperienced compared to the other girls, I'm not as beautiful, and what guy doesn't like sleeping around? it just doesn't make sense. I feel that one day he'll think I'm not good enough (once the honeymoon phase is over), or maybe he's dating "under his league"... like, he told me when we first met that he wasn't immediately attracted to me, but that I caught his attention once he realized I was smart = "you're ugly, but you have a good personality". I know looks aren't supposed to matter, but as a woman, I am a bit vain and just because "looks don't matter" doesn't mean I just want to be loved for my personality. He's lucky that he's so confident in himself and thinks he's hotter than my previous partners (he is, anyway, I've never gone for traditionally hot guys). For him, it's easy, he looks at my previous partners, they're few, they sucked in bed and they were uglier so he wins... but I see his ex partners and they were hot, they were good in bed, they were plenty AND he was initially attracted to their looks so it was more stimulating for him... as opposed to me, where he had to get to know me in order to be attracted. I get that he loves me, he is really sweet and treats me well, but I also don't like feeling like he's settling physically... should I break up with him and go for someone who truly appreciates my looks? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 You are making absolutely zero sense.... You are putting all of your insecurities onto him, when YOU are the one with the problem. You claim at the end that he doesn't appreciate your looks, but its YOU that doesn't appreciate your looks. He's here.... he's with you.... he's in a committed relationship with you.... If that's not enough for you, and your insecurities are too much for you to get past, then you need to break up with him because you are emotionally broken. You are already starting to project your problems onto him, and its only a matter of time before in your mind it becomes his fault. You'll fight with him over problems you create in your mind. You'll resent him for things he hasn't even done. You'll twist his words around to mean different things . This will all happen if you don't realize that these problems are in your mind, and yours alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy66728 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 I get that insecurity is basically a "self issue", but it also sucks to know he wasn't physically attracted to me in the beginning, he said so himself. Also, how can I feel more self confident when he's done so much in the past? He's been with 10's, has had threesomes, etc... how can I compete with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I get that insecurity is basically a "self issue", but it also sucks to know he wasn't physically attracted to me in the beginning, he said so himself. Also, how can I feel more self confident when he's done so much in the past? He's been with 10's, has had threesomes, etc... how can I compete with that? You can't use the phrase " self confident " and then blame your lack of confidence on him. To quote kat Williams. " ITS ESTEEM OF YOUR MOTHER BLANKING SELF " You are still making excuses and placing this issue on HIM, when its your own issue. You keep saying " HIS past, what HE said, the girls HE has been with. " but because this YOU with the insecurity / lack of self esteem problem. You need to do some.introspection and some self evaluation to solve this problem. Its not him, its you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy66728 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 I know it's not his fault, hell I wasn't even there when he did all that, I GET THAT, but it's hard not to compare myself... also because it's kind of a disappointment to know he just likes my personality or brains... that has nothing to do with my perception. He said so himself. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 The question is: is he attracted to you now? Attraction that is based on more than outer appearances can be much more stirring and lasting. It can be deeper, and stronger. Less fleeting and surface. Also, you are NOT competing with his past. You are sharing your present. If he's happier now, that's the whole point of dating. To find the person with whom you are the happiest! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I don't understand why you find it hard to believe that he would rather have a connection then empty sex. Stop doubting him on that score. Now focus on the fact that he picked you. Since you know he can have girls who are hotter then you think you are, even if you can't find the self esteem to deem yourself worthy of him, focus on that fact that it was his CHOICE & he picked YOU. If you continue to doubt yourself & the relationship your insecurities not your looks will drive him away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy66728 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Yeah, you do have a point... I guess what scares me the most is maybe since we're still in the honeymoon phase he's still blinded by the novelty, maybe he really, really likes that I'm smart and he can overlook my appearance... but trust me when I say, I'm like a 5 and other girls he's been with are like 9's, 10's... maybe once the honeymoon phase is over he'll get tired of being with someone ugly and will want to go back to what he's used to... which is hot girls. I feel like I can't measure up. And he's already admitted that he wasn't initially attracted to my looks so it could very well happen... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Yeah, you do have a point... I guess what scares me the most is maybe since we're still in the honeymoon phase he's still blinded by the novelty, maybe he really, really likes that I'm smart and he can overlook my appearance... but trust me when I say, I'm like a 5 and other girls he's been with are like 9's, 10's... maybe once the honeymoon phase is over he'll get tired of being with someone ugly and will want to go back to what he's used to... which is hot girls. I feel like I can't measure up. And he's already admitted that he wasn't initially attracted to my looks so it could very well happen... Nobody's looks last forever. When people fall in love & start looking at each other through their hearts rather than just their eyes, love grows, it doesn't fade. Stop self sabotaging yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 That's a lot of stuff about his past and your past. Could you tell us what's wrong in the present? Is there anything wrong in your relationship? Can you feel that he loves you? Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 I have to ask, would you feel better if he'd been with unattractive girls? Jealousy is a beast which destroys all logic, passion and eventually the relationship. Its not his past that bothers you, its your own lack of self worth and love. Recognising that in myself greatly reduced my own jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy66728 Posted March 1, 2014 Author Share Posted March 1, 2014 I have to ask, would you feel better if he'd been with unattractive girls? Jealousy is a beast which destroys all logic, passion and eventually the relationship. Its not his past that bothers you, its your own lack of self worth and love. Recognising that in myself greatly reduced my own jealousy. Maybe... I just feel that he's settling, I guess if he'd been with unattractive girls I'd feel like he hasn't had better so he'd be used to girls like me, but he's had better so there's more of a chance he is/will be disappointed, that sex may be less stimulating, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 He's committed to you because you are "not" like the girls in his past. Realize this and take some pride in that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Yeah, you do have a point... I guess what scares me the most is maybe since we're still in the honeymoon phase he's still blinded by the novelty, maybe he really, really likes that I'm smart and he can overlook my appearance... but trust me when I say, I'm like a 5 and other girls he's been with are like 9's, 10's... maybe once the honeymoon phase is over he'll get tired of being with someone ugly and will want to go back to what he's used to... which is hot girls. I feel like I can't measure up. And he's already admitted that he wasn't initially attracted to my looks so it could very well happen... Most people are 5's. You're not ugly, you're probably average. Like the rest of us. A really hot guy I know of said that, when on a tour of Europe of 18s to 35s he initially hooked up with all the "hotties" on tour before seeking out his current girlfriend as he felt drawn to her in a different way than he was with the slender "hot" girls. Looks are overrated. .. so what those girls are born with thin limbs, small noses and pretty features. Doesn't make them better long term partners. They dont deserve to be put on such a pedestal based on genetics. I'm an average gal yet I have a boyfriend who is madly in love with me yet my "hot" model friends are perpetually single. One of them went for average looking men and they simply didn't want her. One preferred Asians and the other preferred more plain looking, less petite women. Link to post Share on other sites
theediblewoman Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 I can see how his past could be intimidating but like the others said you're focusing on the wrong this here. I haven't had many sexual partners either and my boyfriend has had many partners including many casual partners, but I don't necessarily consider more experienced or a better lover than me for it. If anything I have had more experience than he has building sexual relationships because I've only had sex in relationships and he's never dated anyone too long till me. Try to remember that quantity and looks don't make you a good lover;communication, humor,self-love and open mind do. He may have slept with girls that were so called 10's but their relationship didn't last. He has chosen you. Don't focus on his not finding you attractive comment,he probably shouldn't have told you that anyway, and try to think of it this way, you can be good looking without being attractive. Example; my friends boyfriend is good looking by many peoples standards, he could be on tv or in movies and many girls would probably be all over him, but I personally don't find attractive. Attraction is so much more than just looks, it's the energy you give off combined with your looks and how you carry yourself. If you're boyfriend ends up not being into you after the honey moon stage is over, it'll be because your insecurities will drive him away. So what can you do? Learn to love yourself..that's a hard one to figure out sometimes. For me this means trying to break out of negative thought patterns I have about myself and immersing myself with the people, things and activities I love. Not only does this make me happier and it makes me more attractive. I am not the most good looking women out there but I laugh hard and loud, I smile at everyone and sometimes when I don't feel like it, I try new things, I reach out to people and this has made me stand out on many occasions. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Maybe... I just feel that he's settling, I guess if he'd been with unattractive girls I'd feel like he hasn't had better so he'd be used to girls like me, but he's had better so there's more of a chance he is/will be disappointed, that sex may be less stimulating, etc. But at the same time, if he's had an amazing sex life in the past why would he want a mediocre one with the woman he's settling with? I speak from experience here. I've had very attractive GF's with whom I've had adventurous sex with. Having been there I know what I want and wouldn't settle for less. But the point is he's chosen you. As for this point score system, throw it in the bin. If you love someone she/he is your 10/10. Sexiness is what counts this point system is based on the garbage the media stuff into peoples heads at an early age. Link to post Share on other sites
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