Trying to be positive but failing some days

[Hope4thefuture]

One year ago today my STBX told me he was unhappy with our marriage and was thinking of moving out. I did all the wrong things. I begged him to try and work on our marriage for me and our 3 kids. I wanted to go to MC, but he said it wouldn't work. I blamed myself mostly for all the mistakes in our marriage and for not realizing how he felt. He told me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. It broke my heart.

 

I wanted to try to work on us and get back what once was. He told me he would try, but would continue to tell him he had no hope for us. I still believed there was a chance for us, even with his doubt. I didn't want to lose him and my family.

 

He decided it wasn't working, and he moved out last summer. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever been though. I remember just sobbing on my bathroom floor thinking I was a failure. I was so hurt and angry.

 

I have slowly been trying to put my life back together. I have the most supportive family, the best 3 boys in the world who keep me going, and some great friends. I am trying so hard to let go of my husband, but I am stuck. I still think about him and sometimes wish we would still be husband and wife. We are in the middle of getting the divorced finalized.

 

I have been reading all these stories on this forum for awhile now and finally got the courage to tell my story. They have helped me begin to move on. Any suggestions or advice about how to move forward and let go of the past. I am trying so hard to be a positive person but many days are getting me down.

[TaraMaiden]

You know what strong women do (and you are strong.... Raising 3 boys? Oh yeah, you ARE strong.....)?

 

Strong women "Fall down 7 times, get up eight."

 

Keep on doing what you're doing.

You will get through this and you will spit the world in the eye, because of it.

[Tom amoss]

Hope4thefuture:

 

This not advice as such, as what do I know!

 

But my wife left me a year ago today, after 24 years of marriage.

 

It has been just hell.

 

But one thing I have learned is that you must be patient.

 

Patient for your healing:

 

Patient for your future:

 

It’s not easy.

 

No doubt you have search endlessly on google to find anything that will give hope and an easy way through this.

 

But there isn’t is there! and you wont find it, may be bits to get you though that day, or hour.

 

So you just have to accept that it’s horrid at the moment. I know, it’s horrid for me too.

 

BUT, just like any illness, or injury, our bodies and mind’s DO heal.

 

It just takes time.

 

Because grieving is healing.

 

Have faith Hope4thefuture. You will be OK.

 

The darkest depths of your pain, will soon be the dizzy heights of your joy.

 

Keep in touch

 

Tom

Edited March 1, 2014 by Tom amoss

[Shocked Suzie]

Try to take it a day at a time.. An hour if needed.

 

Look at the positives you have and focus on those, regroup with your new family number 'feels odd at first' but throw yourself into fun things with the kids and for yourself short coffees with friends, lunch/dinner chats with supportive friends.... Walk and take some time out.

 

Read repair books... Focus on what is not what was. Break away... Minimal contact is a must!

 

It does get easier, you will start to see faults that were in your relationship...in your ex, faults that you wouldn't want back. This too helps you detach and grow... Self love is the key and is what you need to find.

 

With self love comes your freedom and new path....there is life after your H, you are the one that brings your happiness not him.

 

Hang in there, keep posting... It gets better

 

SS x

[lmyya]

It sounds to me like you are doing quite well. You are going through the story of your divorce just like I'd have the star heroine in my novel do it. This is the tough part of your story, the part with all the pain. You want to be back in the past part of your story. But my guess is, it wasn't all that happy. I think you're wrestling with the unknown-- a frightening thing. My very strong sense is, the future will be far better than the past. The reason I think that is because you are clearly allowing yourself to experience the normal pain and struggle, and even post about it. You will heal. I've avoided letting myself cry on the floor and feel the pain, in the past. I've avoided admitting that I was not where I wanted to be, avoided admitting that I was sad and scared. It took longer for me to heal because of all that. When I stopped feeling wretched, I still made dumb choices and missed out on life. You're doing it the way I wish I had. I bet you're a great mom and love your boys more than anything. You will heal like all the rest, the question is how long it will take.

 

The one time I was sadder than anything (also a break-up), I went back to school. I remember that the breakup left me feeling that I could NOT WAIT to feel better, literally. I had no time to wait and heal. I had no time to start any process that would "eventually" let me feel better. I had to feel better NOW. I had to feel not only better, but distracted from my sadness and pain. I had to, like, get a life. For me, that meant going back to school. I remember that it all happened very fast. I applied late and got in, and was surrounded by friends and also a purpose. New friends I saw every day. I ran into the ex after I'd been in school a few months, and it felt like it had been years. I just didn't care anymore, not like that.

 

I don't know whether you can relate, but there it is. If you can't do school, if you can't do something that is your equivalent, then you'll still heal. Maybe not as super-suddenly (or maybe you will). But my advice if you want to ease the pain, is to find a community. (That is what school became for me.) But if you can't find something, that's ok. It's really just to ease the symptoms in the beginning. The real healing will just happen because it just will.

 

Keep us updated.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thank you so much for the encouragement. It does help! It's funny because I did search on Google to see what I could have done differently to fix my marriage. But in reality nothing I searched or tried to do could fix it because I can't control how he feels.

 

I also loved the quote. I will have to remember that one. I try to read some positive quotes everyday!

 

Last night I found out he is seeing someone. It brought me back to that beginning time where I thought about him all the time. How could I change? What could I do to make it better? But now when I think about him all I can picture is him with her. It was NOT a good night! I couldn't eat. I was out with friends and constantly my mind would wander thinking about the 2 of them.

 

So today is a new day. I got up. I went to work for a little while to get out of the house. Talked with family and friends on the phone. Had some lunch with my mom. On the way back I blasted the radio and sang my heart out! I'm definitely not going to win a Grammy anytime soon, but it felt so good to not care about him for those few minutes. The little things will have to keep me going!

 

I know this pain won't last forever, but how I wish it would go away!

[hinatticus]

Off topic sorry, but this quote always puzzles me.

 

"Fall down 7 times, get up eight."

 

Mathematically it should be get up 7 times.

 

Fd(1),gu(1),fd(2),gu(2),fd(3),gu(3),

fd(4),gu(4),fd(5),gu(5),fd(6),gu(6),fd(7),gu(7)

 

Right?

[Shocked Suzie]

Used to find mornings the worst!! Good to keep yourself busy

 

And a good sing is the best... Lots of simple stuff for you, it's your time now.

 

You without doubt will get there, it is one heck of a journey sadly but it does improve with time

 

SS x

[M30USA]

Eh, being positive is overrated. It's the fad philosophy of the 21st century. Focus more on being CONTENT. It's worth far more.

[TaraMaiden]

Off topic sorry, but this quote always puzzles me.

 

"Fall down 7 times, get up eight."

 

Mathematically it should be get up 7 times.

 

Fd(1),gu(1),fd(2),gu(2),fd(3),gu(3),

fd(4),gu(4),fd(5),gu(5),fd(6),gu(6),fd(7),gu(7)

 

Right?

 

No, because it is assumed you've begun from a fallen position.

You have to be right down, before you can think of getting up....

 

You make a good point though.

I might put that to my Zen teacher - !

[Hope4thefuture]

Why are the mornings the hardest for me? It is usually the saddest time of the day for me, and sometimes I even still get weepy. On my drives to work I always find my mind wandering back to him and the past.

 

I have definitely made mistakes in our marriage, so did he. I have blamed myself a lot. I am not even sure of the true reasons he was unhappy. First, it was we lost that emotional connection, then I still love you, but not I love with you, and then he is just too angry at me.

 

All of this plays over and over in my mind, and what could I have done differently.

[TaraMaiden]

It's still fresh....

it may interest you to know that, not only do certain instances surrounding my separation from my ex, still occasionally play on my mind (it was 10 years ago!) but I sometimes find my head seeing unprovoked episodes in my previous relationships - just out of the blue, a flash of memory, something, and incident, will pop up in my head from nowhere, of moments (not even bad ones, just fun or neutral) I spent in the company of a previous BF/lover....

 

Your head will do this. in unguarded moments, it will just go "sur-prize!"

 

Start doing your 7 times table, if you get this. It's very diverting. (apparently it's the most difficult number/table for people to memorise....)

[Hope4thefuture]

I think after finding out about the STBXH dating someone else I finally hit the anger stage. I have been hoping for a reconciliation to be honest. I know I have been in denial. Especially those first few months when you think this can't be happening. It will get better. We can fix this. Then more months past and nothing gets fixed, so I tried my best to move on.

 

I still feel that connection to him, which I am sure he has long felt detached from me. It hurts that I still think about him and want him back.

 

I am wondering if this anger I feel towards him now will help me detach somehow.

[RightThere]

I still feel that connection to him, which I am sure he has long felt detached from me. It hurts that I still think about him and want him back.

 

I am wondering if this anger I feel towards him now will help me detach somehow.

 

The anger does help, but needs to be used in a constructive way. Hopefully it motivates you to get out and do more things on your own, and try new activities. Use it to take your mind off that old relationship and focus on new things right infront of you.

 

The more you keep yourself busy and do new things for you, the less you'll think about the past and what you hoped would happen.

[Hope4thefuture]

Confused!! Why does it seems that one minute my STBX wants nothing to do with me, and the next minute he texts me random things? Why does he think I want to be friends? Doesn't he understand how difficult that is for me? He was my best friend at one point. I could tell him my secrets or even the most mundane things. It didn't matter to him because he wanted to hear all of those things. Now he doesn't because he doesn't care about me. But why does he keep trying to contact me?

 

Why would he keep doing that to me? Thoughts?

[drummer233]

Confused!! Why does it seems that one minute my STBX wants nothing to do with me, and the next minute he texts me random things? Why does he think I want to be friends? Doesn't he understand how difficult that is for me? He was my best friend at one point. I could tell him my secrets or even the most mundane things. It didn't matter to him because he wanted to hear all of those things. Now he doesn't because he doesn't care about me. But why does he keep trying to contact me?

 

Why would he keep doing that to me? Thoughts?

 

The contact, IMO, is like control... it makes it impossible. I'm new at this myself. Its been 34 days now I believe. I still get a random "saw this and thought of u" text... then, she belittles me, etc... I've since blocked her number, and only reply to emails regarding our divorce.

 

My story is on here somewhere. If you haven't read it.

 

Good luck.

 

Take it day by day, even hour at a time if you have too.

[beembm]

Hi Suzie,

I'm so so sorry for everything you are going through. I feel your pain, and can relate to so much of it, even though I am the dumper. If your ex is like me, then he is contacting you in moments of weakness because he misses you.

 

 

I know in my heart it is mean to contact my ex because it's confusing and can stir things up and create false hopes, which is why I try to avoid it, but sometimes the pain is too deep, too raw, and too out of control and I can't help myself. Maybe it's a control thing but I think it's more about not wanting to let go because that hurts too much.

 

 

I hope this doesn't spike you. I just wanted to offer some ideas from the other side.

 

 

Lately, I am feeling like I want to send a long email, assuring her it wasn't her fault, how much I hate myself for hurting her, and letting her know that I care for her more than anyone, telling her my struggle, etc. but I wonder how this will make her feel. How would you feel getting an email like this? We've been broken up for 2 months after a nearly 5 year relationship but the grief is just hitting me now. I was numb and in denial until now. It's hitting me like a ton of bricks and I can't take the pain. I also love her more than anything and don't want to hurt her more than I have already. This is where NC gets confusing. I know it's probably best for her healing if I don't reach out but then I see so many people on these forums thinking NC means I'm fine, moving on, not thinking about the other person which is so not the case.

 

 

Please tell me what would be best.

 

 

xoxo and stay strong my heart goes out to you