Forgetfulness or not a man of his word?

[hopefullove]

This Christmas I got back together with my ex-boyfriend, my first boyfriend, when I visited home for christmas. I had loved him for a long time after we broke up and he still loved me so we decided to give it a go, but now distance is a problem since we live on different coasts.

 

He had said his work would fly me in, as they wanted him to stay in the country instead of moving away, and I was now an incentive. That was great! But then they changed their mind and said they would just give him a bonus and he could fly me in instead. I was looking up flights for valentines day and he said he would pay, so i booked it.

 

Now i have visited and am now back home again, and no mention about him paying me back. I had found a really good deal on the flight ($500 instead of $750) and I got to see my family for a day and a bit, so i thought I wasn't going to mention anything, but at the same time, he always talks about how he supports the broke people in his life. He used to have roommates and he would tell me how he would always cover their rent, and pay for things. He has moved out now, and said he left them all this stuff, and also other friends he has, he's always footing their bill. So at the same time now i'm getting pissed off that he foots their bill, but not the flight he promised me, and that he would forget and put me in this awkward situation where I have to bring it up again?

 

The other night he was making some comments and joking around, because I had lost my creditcard and my subscription to netflix expired, which he was using. He was joking if everyone was broke in this world and everyone was just after his money. I got super offended and pissed off because I would never ask him for anything, even though I am tight on cash right now, so I got mad at him, and told him maybe I am so broke because maybe I bought a flight and took time off from work when I didn't need to. And further went on about how i had a lot of bills to pay, but go on about taking care of his friends and roommates. He goes on about how well he is doing in work, making really good money etc. I don't want to take advantage of that, when I was visiting he did pretty much pay for everything. But he has said he would get my flight, I hoped he wound remember.

 

He immediately asked me for my account info to transfer cash, but i was upset and said nothing, then he said he would just send it to my parents house along with my earrings I had left. "peace"

 

that's all he said.

 

So now i'm like, did you just break up with me??? I'm pretty upset with him right now. I mean my response would be, "oh man sorry i totally forgot" and I would be embarrassed I forgot I told my girlfriend I would pay for her flight, not get all pissed off and ignore her.

Edited March 1, 2014 by hopefullove
deets

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

If he said he would pay, why didn't you let him book the flight?

[hopefullove]

I assumed he would just pay be back when i got there, i had a discount code to use so it was easier for me? I told him how much it was immediately.

[beach]

I assumed he would just pay be back when i got there, i had a discount code to use so it was easier for me? I told him how much it was immediately.

 

Why didn't HE fly to see you?

 

I don't think he intended to pay for your flight or he would have immediately reimbursed you.

 

It's a $500 lesson you have learned.

 

When a man makes you his top priority - HE will find ANYWAY he can to be near you as much as possible.

 

I know a guy who flies to the other coast every weekend to see his gal. Nothing stops him.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Just seemed like a bad setup from the get go. You were aware that he is often stuck paying for other people and discusses it a lot. Your mindset is that since you're his gf, then hell, he should pay for you too.

 

If he REALLY wanted to pay for it, he would've booked the flight himself. You could've given him the discount code. Money owed/borrowed is always a difficult thing in relationships or friendships. You said he paid for everything during your visit, and then you threw in his face about him owing you and taking care of his friends and made it seem like you did him a favor by taking off work and now he needed to pay for it.

 

Sounds like you'll get your money back minus the boyfriend. For future reference, I would just make sure that if you can't afford to cover yourself, then don't do it and don't rely on anyone else.

[Tayla]

The Gift horse lesson...amazin how many folks do that....

 

What Bank does the OP own that she can regulate how another Adult delegates their funds? Curious as it befuddles me to think Guilting someone is a positive in an open and loving environment?

 

It was kind that he said "peace". Sounds like he was making amends for the plane ticket and that is that. Now go apologize for the comments, that's your part of being an adult. His generosity deserves some respect, not ridicule.

[hopefullove]

Okay I think you guys are getting the wrong idea

 

What bothers me isn't about the money, in my situation, it is that he forgot! I don't know about you, but I am very much about a man of his word, say it once, and then do it. And I have a history with this guy where he says a lot of things and doesn't deliver, ie: "oh give me your parents address, I want to send flowers to them" when my grandfather passed away, didnt happen, to, "oh i want to take us here" didnt happen, just in general, i don't find him to be the most reliable person of his word.

 

Which is why it bothers me so much that he is always talking about how he takes care of his friends, but how they take advantage of him. For example he would say how he bought concert tickets for his friends, and assumed when they bought comedy tickets they would include him too, but no, it was just for themselves. Stuff like that. I just dont want him to be so nice to people who seem to be codependent on him? It's more of a protective thing, I'd much rather he find friends who were self sustainable, and reliable and respectable people.

 

WHICH is why I am upset, that he seems to care more about taking care of these skids, than me. It's just how I feel. For example, he was suppose to call me, we hadn't spoken for days and I know he works hard during the week, so I hoped on the weekend he would have time, and again he didn't so I said i would appreciate if he make more of an effort to communicate, and he sends me back a picture of him and his buddy, like sorry can't chat! my friend is here. His friend, who is also his coworker. Okay yes, i lost it, and got really mad, because it seems like he always puts his friends first.

 

So when he made his stupid joke about how everyone is broke and uses him for his money, that's when I got really really mad. Because the fact is, my funds are tight right now, and it's my own poor budgeting and a really expensive 2013 and i couldn't save much money. Nobody told him to offer, I wouldn't have even asked, but he offered, so that was great. But i felt bad for asking for it, so i didn't. So when he made the comment that everyone is broke and wants him for his money, i got upset! Because all he does is complain about spending money on his friends, which is his own choice, and when he makes a promise to pay for my flight, btw he can not travel, so I have to be the one that travels, I don't even ask him for it, even though I shouldn't have spent that money. And he can't even remember it.

 

Do I make a point?

Edited March 2, 2014 by hopefullove
grammar

[hopefullove]

His generosity deserves some respect, not ridicule.

 

okay. nobody told him to offer.

I had just paid my own way in Dec/January, and then he told me his work had promised to pay for my flights because they wanted to keep him happy. That was great. Then he said the boss changed his mind but instead was going to give him a bigger bonus so he could foot it. Like they decided all of this on their own. It was their idea. And it's not like it's free for me, It's like $55 each way to the airport, and I have to take time off work, and suffer the week back to catch up, and there is a time difference so I'm always messed up for a few days after. But this is what they decided then fine. So I book my flight and he forgets all about it!

 

He always talks about how thoughtful and caring he is to his friends and roommates, I just wished he could be more responsible to promises he makes to me and remember it, because he doesn't! To me, a man's word is about responsibility and reliability. And he is always responsible and reliable to his friends but not to me. I guess that is the source of my angst.

Edited March 2, 2014 by hopefullove

[justwhoiam]

This Christmas I got back together with my ex-boyfriend, my first boyfriend, when I visited home for christmas.

How long were you there at your parents? It sounds like the getting back together was done in a hurry, which is usually a bad thing for a couple dynamics.

 

He had said his work would fly me in, as they wanted him to stay in the country instead of moving away, and I was now an incentive. That was great! But then they changed their mind and said they would just give him a bonus and he could fly me in instead.

Ok. At that point, you had to be practical and ask: "How much would the bonus be?" So that you had a clear idea of how much that was. So a good agreement would have been: he was putting in the bonus ($300?) and you'd cover the rest ($200?).

 

If then he felt like putting in more, he could have.

 

There was a bit of a misunderstanding because he didn't say he was going to pay for the flight, he just let you know that his work was giving him the money for your flight, and then they changed their mind, and he told you. He also told you that he would have been given a bonus, and that probably happened at the end of Feb. But guess if they forgot?

 

When you were with him while visiting, I would have brought it up: "Did they finally give you that bonus for my flight? How much was it?" And then he would have told you if he received it or not.

 

You got yourself in a relationship, rushing to it and without the necessary level of intimacy to say this or that. You held back, he didn't mention it...

 

I certainly see your point of view. All that I mentioned above wouldn't have caused any trouble.

He bragging about how he wastes his money here and there, THAT would have bothered me big time. For what you wrote, he was constantly talking about money. I seldom talk about money. And if I'm tight on money and seeing a promise broken, having all that stuff thrown at my face all the time would have come across as in insult, no doubt. I mean, his friends are not third world people requiring basic goods, essential items or food parcels. He pays for group entertainment, buying friends tickets to concerts, which requires hundreds of dollars at a time. Always putting in extra money at restaurants as if he were rockefeller. It's like he loves showing off with everyone, but he's blind regarding the hardships of his own girlfriend. He should be more protective of your relationship, putting it first, and this is not happening.

 

he said he would just send it to my parents house along with my earrings I had left. "peace"

He got offended because he was not expecting a bomb exploding in his hands... and he didn't know how to handle it. He acknowledged your venting and made amends saying he would send the money. Let it cool off now and see what happens. If he loves you, he will get in touch with you very soon.

 

Anyway, as you made clear you will be the only one traveling, if the relationship continues, you both need to have a serious talk about how to do things, so that these misunderstandings won't happen anymore.

[hopefullove]

Ohhhh I love your post. Yes that's exactly how I feel! Insulted.

I thought about it and it's less about the money than how I feel he is responsible and reliable to his friends but not to me.

 

Actually, the original convo was that work was going to fly me in several times a year. I am in the bridal party in august so I was flying back anyway on my own dime as it's my friends wedding. Other than that if he wanted to see me, and since he can't fly out, he was and should get it and he offered. When I bought my flight he said "i got it babe". And I was like great! I got a super great deal too it's $499.

 

I didn't say anything when I was there except that i would be back in august and he was like awwww. Cus I wasn't going to shell out another 700-800 to see his immobile ass.

 

Yup, he constantly talks about money. I know he is super proud of what he accomplished cause a few years ago he was down on his luck and sleeping on friends couches and was broke. He's a really proud and stubborn guy. He's really sweet and thoughtful and nurturing and likes taking care of people, I guess I just feel second to his leeching friends. The same friends he complains about how irresponsible they are and I guess he feels responsible to care for them cus he knows how it is to be down and now he is doing super well for himself. Like top 3 position at a company, second to the owner/boss. I'm really proud of him and love him, but he's so annoying sometimes lol because I feel like he's enabling these dead beats. I'm not trying to dictate where his funds go, but he talks about how he wants to get married and etc etc etc so maybe he should be more responsible with his money than blowing it away on people who are taking advantage of it. If they were really in need, that's different, but they all have jobs and just don't know how to manage themselves.

 

After he was like "peace", I told him I myself am in a tight financial situation, (I'm not broke, I just haven't been able to save any money in 2013 and had nothing to contribute to RSP so I had to borrow from my mom... First world broke lol..but as a responsible adult, when my cash on hand dips low I start freaking out because I like a safety net and not live paycheck by paycheck... I live alone in a city away from my family, I know they will always help me out but I should be able to handle myself) I wanted to see him so I booked my flight even before he said he would take care of it, but he said he would so that's great! It bummed me out he forgot.... I feel like if it were his friend, he wouldn't forget. I didn't say that, but I really feel he goes out of his way to make sure his friends are okay. Where he should be protective over me as well.

 

Anyway I haven't heard from him since. I'm pretty offended he ended it abruptly with "sending it to your parents. Cash and earrings, peace"

He probably doesn't see himself doing anything wrong and thinks I'm overreacting. When I saw that text I'm like, did you just dump me!?!?! Because, sending the rest of my stuff to my parents? Ugh.

Edited March 2, 2014 by hopefullove

[2sunny]

I think it's important to remember he didn't keep his word.

 

He may also be TELLING you he gives to his friends - but he may also "forget" to do the actual "giving".

 

Most people are consistent - the little things you notice show the bigger picture.

 

 

Did he tell his family and friends that he was flying you out to see him?

[hopefullove]

I think it's important to remember he didn't keep his word.

 

He may also be TELLING you he gives to his friends - but he may also "forget" to do the actual "giving".

 

Most people are consistent - the little things you notice show the bigger picture.

 

 

Did he tell his family and friends that he was flying you out to see him?

 

Yes! He says a lot of things that sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. To me, he's not the most reliable person with me but reliable enough in other aspects like being responsible at work. He's also pretty passive aggressive so I was reading up on that and they "forget" a lot... At the same time he remembers minute details of our relationship from 7 years ago so he has a strong memory.

I don't even know if he is aware he says things and forgets because I don't being it up. Or I could and just be nicer about it, I have a pretty strong temper where I try to repress things but then it just explodes out so we could definitely have better communication, because usually we just don't communicate and never talk about it again. He says he hates fighting with me because it hurts him.

Men.

 

Oh I don't know if he told his friends he was flying me in, his boss would know because that's what he assumed. That's why he gave him a bigger bonus! To foot my flight! Not buy a round for the broke boys club.

[hopefullove]

Again he really set me off by jokingly calling me a "broke ass" and how everyone wants him for his cash money. That really pissed me off since I asked nothing of him even tho his said he would take care of my flight.

[LittleTiger]

I don't know about you, but I am very much about a man of his word, say it once, and then do it. And I have a history with this guy where he says a lot of things and doesn't deliver, ie: "oh give me your parents address, I want to send flowers to them" when my grandfather passed away, didnt happen, to, "oh i want to take us here" didnt happen, just in general, i don't find him to be the most reliable person of his word.

 

If you need a man who is true to his word, I would suggest that you need a different man.

 

I suspect this guy likes people to 'think' he is generous, rather than actually being generous - or perhaps he just likes to believe that's how he is, so he's convinced himself that he actually does what he says.

 

His intentions may be good, but he obviously has a habit of not following through on his promises - for whatever reason. It's more than likely that his friends feel exactly the same way you do. As 2sunny says, most people are consistent in their actions.

 

You say that your biggest problem with this is that he's generous with his friends but not with you - and yet the thread title asks if he's a man of his word. It's highly unlikely that he is generous with his friends, so that's not really an issue and he definitely isn't a man of his word! So, if you do the maths, it's not really a big deal if he doesn't contact you again.

[2sunny]

If this is the same guy from your past threads - what were the reasons it didn't work before?

[hopefullove]

You're right. His intentions are always good.

 

I've known him for 7 years now, not consecutively, we broke up and kept in touch here and there, I moved on and fell in love again and moved in with a new guy and that didn't work out. He said he never found anyone serious after me, and we both loved each other so decided to try things again since so many years passed.

 

I find he always means well, he is a great guy but nobody is perfect. He is really independent because of the way he grew up. He doesn't have any family really, he has a step dad, I don't think he knows his real dad and his real mom wasn't very responsible. He put himself through university with help of sports scholarship and worked about every job to support himself. When I am calm right now and think about it, he really is an incredible man... He did everything for himself. He's just a dense man sometimes, stubborn and proud. When I am there with him, he is attentive and caring, nurturing and thoughtful. I feel once I am out of sight he just forgets about me. Like he will forget to call me when he said he would, and I'm trying not to be so needy and starved for attention, but sometimes I just am.

 

There's lot of things he says he will do that he comes through on, and things he says will happen that just doesn't. I guess nobody is perfect but it is annoying.

 

It's not that he is generous with his friends and not me, I feel because he is responsible and reliable to his friend and not me. Maybe because I am not there and he just forgets, as dumb boys do. And also because I feel he shouldn't be so generous to full grown men who should be able to take care of themselves, like he's not Peter Pan and those aren't his Lost Boys but that's the analogy I make in my mind. He's very responsible at work but he jokes how he's never going to grow up. I don't know if this makes me Wendy or Tinkerbell.

[LittleTiger]

What caused you to break up last time? The fact that he let you down on a regular basis and didn't keep his promises?

 

What's different about your relationship now that makes you think it could work second time around?

 

It sounds as though you're used to his unreliable behaviour, so I'm surprised you're questioning it now. He is what he is and he probably won't change. Like it or lump it!

[hopefullove]

He's my first love, my first relationship. Things were really intense and to be fair, I didn't really know how to handle my emotions that well, everything was new for me, I never had any relationships in high school, and before him, dated 1 guy for 3 months in university, had a few unrequited love for afar stories, and then dated 2 guys super casually before I met him, and fell head over heels.

 

I am a super dramatic and emotional person and most people in my life get used to it and understand it's a part of me. He is very sensitive and gets offended, so in that way, we are not the most compatible because our communication skills blow. At the same time, I did have a lot of tantrums and high expectations of what I wanted from him, and acted out when I was dissatisfied, where as he is very passive and doesn't express his emotions and keeps everything bottled up. Anyway, I hurt his feelings once and he said I broke his heart and it took up until now for him to let it go, so that's why we broke up. He said he never stopped loving me, and never said we broke up because he didn't love me, just because I hurt him and he couldn't let it go. I said some mean things to him out of anger and he took it to heart.

 

Yes - part of those reasons, where I would get made and resent him was because sometimes i feel he was unreliable, but at the same times, i have to realize what kind of expectations i have. So a lot of things really weren't a big deal and maybe i just had ridiculous expectations. So i am more mature now, and am way more calm that I was. But ugh, really, not remembering that he said he would pay for my flight, to me, isn't a small thing.

Edited March 2, 2014 by hopefullove

[hopefullove]

I have to say, when I am with him, he is extremely sweet.

 

He will go out and bring me back a coffee in the morning while I am in bed, or make me a tea and I will wake up with it next to me. He stocked his fridge full of things I like to eat when I visited... and I got food poisoning from it (lol) and so he was holding my hair as I threw up. I also looked really disgusting and he kept saying how beautiful I was. Those parts, he's extremely loving and caring. He is just so dense sometimes.

[FitChick]

Why don't you move back?

[hopefullove]

Why don't you move back?

 

I will move back eventually, but his plan was to move out of the country for a few years and he wanted me to move with them there, and then after that, move back home so I could be close to my family again, and I would agree to that.

 

ANYWAY he's not even responding to my texts right now. I just sent him a neutral comment about the oscars.

 

I know my delivery of my irritation was pretty strong, but come on, he's just dumb for forgetting.

[LittleTiger]

You've just called him 'dense' and 'dumb' in two separate posts on a public message board - in a very short space of time! I hate to think what you said 'to his face' during the argument you had over the flight money. It seems to me that you have no respect for him.

 

If it was him posting here, I'd advise him not to contact you again. You hurt him in the past and now you're hurting him again. If this is you being 'grown up', I'd hate to think what you were like before.

 

A mature grown up in a respectful relationship would apologise for what they had said during an argument before sending "neutral texts" in the hope that things will blow over.

 

This guy is unreliable and always has been probably. You've known him long enough to be aware of his flaws. He will not change just because you want him to. If you don't admire him, and accept him, for the man he is (and you clearly don't), why are you wasting your time with him?

[hopefullove]

well. this board is anonymous and I am saying what I am feeling. In our history together he has never apologized to me once, and I just forget about it. He never wants to talk about our problems ever and just wants to move on. He is dumb, in the sense that men are just dumb sometimes and forget things. And he is dense, in the sense that men are dense and are not sensitive to things. These are nothing personal, but generalizations that I am pretty sure any woman can say about their man. Please tell me you have never met a dense and dumb man, every man I have met at one point has a dumb and dense quality to them. Why are you taking it so personally?

I didn't say anything like to him.

What I said to him is what I said here that i've said to him. We only texted each other. Did you read the follow up response I wrote or just stuck to your assumptions.

How am I even hurting him now. What did I say that was so wrong? Please tell me. He called me a broke ass and I said maybe I am so broke because I bought a ticket he said he would pay for and didn't, and instead on a daily basis brags about things he buys for his friends who are grown people who should know how to take care of themselves and shouldn't be taking advantage of him.

Again please tell me what I said to him that was so bad. Everything that i said was True. I was JUST back home a month ago and I honestly could have used my money for better things, if we are being practical here. I can afford it, in the sense that I am not in debt, but because he said it he would pay for it, I budgeted it back in. And I took time off, even though I was actually planning a trip to Greece with my girlfriends, but instead now broke up my vacation to see him, EVEN THOUGH I was just back a month ago. Which part isn't the truth? He said he was missing me, so I bought a ticket.

I am not sure you actually even read what I wrote.

Yes, he IS unreliable, and it IS frustrating, but he IS reliable to his friends, which is what I have a problem with, he says he wants to marry me, but he can't even remember things he says to me. This isn't about the flight money.

Where is it that he hurt me? I don't understand why you have taken his complete side on this, because he forgot, it's okay?

[hopefullove]

I do not know what I need to apologize over.

I do admire him, he's a wonderful and loving man, caring and funny, sweet and sensitive, like i said, and I do accept him and his flaws, his stubbornness and his pride, his independence and penchant for disappearing and sulking for long periods of time, and I know why he is the way he is, but at the same time I don't agree with him, and sometimes he annoys me. If everyone who doesn't agree with their S/O is wasting their time, then everyone I know is wasting their time. Please tell me how I am wasting my time with him in this one situation where he is irritated me.

 

Yes I do not agree with how he spends his money, although it is his to spend freely, I've heard enough of him telling me how he pays for this and that and generally takes care of freeloaders, at the same time complains all the time about how he is an ATM for people.. He chooses to spend his money, and then complains to me day and night about it. At the same time, he forgets he made a responsibility to me. Why shouldn't I be annoyed with this? I just don't like him being taken advantage of by people because of his generous nature, i said to him, he can do whatever he wants with his money, and I know it gets to him but he just has to be the responsible "parent" to the bunch of irresponsible children he associates with. How am I so wrong in feeling like this? He always talks about taking care of me, about our future, and honestly I wasn't going to say anything, and then he called me a "broke ass" and that everyone was after his money, and I got very annoyed and said I did not want any of his money and went off on a tangent.

Edited March 3, 2014 by hopefullove

[LittleTiger]

According to Little Tiger here, if your man irritates you with one thing, that means you do not respect him and have no business being in a relationship with them. Great advice!

 

That's not what I'm saying at all and I'm sorry if it came across that way.

 

Yes, there are some dumb 'people' and there are some 'dense' people. I wouldn't say that applies to men in general though. Nor would I use those derogatory terms to talk about a man that I love, whether he can hear me or not. I think it's disrespectful. If you disagree that's fine. It's only my opinion.

 

I haven't taken his side either. What I'm saying is that you're not a good match - surely you can see that?

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that he may like to see himself as being incredibly generous, even though he doesn't follow through. By reminding him that he didn't pay your airfare as promised you have probably triggered feelings of inadequacy in him that has hurt him deeply. That's why you haven't heard from him.